Historically Stupid Men, Always Men

Everything is so stupid (and, of course, scary) all the time these days. But can we all just have a deep, endless belly laugh about the World’s Richest Man crashing out so spectacularly about a 3,000-year-old epic poem? He can’t shut the fuck up about how the casting of Lupita Nyong’o as Helen of Troy in “The Odyssey” is “ahistorical.” My dude, it’s a mythological story. There’s also a cyclops, a six-headed serpent and vessel-devouring whirlpool monster. Are you also gonna complain that the vessel-devouring whirlpool monster is anatomically inaccurate?

But then, why would we expect anything less from the World’s Most Racist Serial Killer (I mean, he killed USAID, which is killing…*stares in ebola crisis*). He’s mad about Elliot Page being cast as (maybe Achilles, maybe not Achilles, really anything) in the movie as well because why just be a Nazi when you can also be a transphobic piece of shit? Anyway, I’m going to see Christopher Nolan’s next opus, not because I’m a homer for Homer. But because it will make Elon crash out even more if it does well at the box office. And these days, it’s the little things that get you through.

p.s. Like how attractive is this female cast? All their faces could launch a thousand ships – and more. So Stay mad, Musky! Stay mad.

My Weekend Crush

What should you do when the President of the United States points his stubby little finger at a female reporter just doing her job and says, “Quiet, piggy” for all the cameras and world to see?

Yeah, you know what to do. Because fuck that motherfucker. Or, Bill fucker? So let them fly, ladies. Though which style you do it, well, that’s entirely up to you.

The Double Cersei

The Smile & Bird

The Smile & Double Bird

The Look Away

The Emmy Worthy

The Oscar Worthy

The Early 2000s

The Billionaires Are So Cringe

The O.G.

So, yeah, fuck that motherfucker. Happy weekend, all.

Movie Review: The Old Guard 2

I really, really wanted to love “The Old Guard 2.” Same cast, same mission – and now with added Uma! What’s not to like? Plus, hello, the payoff of Andy and Quỳnh reuniting after 500 years was gonna be epic, right? Well. Alas, the sequel lacks the kinetic elegance and narrative panache of the first film, due in no small part to the absence of original director Gina Prince-Bythewood.

This time around, Andy and Co. are battling The First Immortal, Discord – played by Uma Thurman. Discord, as her name suggests is generally bad news. I mean she’s an arms dealer so that tracks. The second film plays a little faster and looser with our immortal heroes’ immortality – they seem to heal much faster than they did in the first one. And some other parts of their mythology felt forced this time out. It also shamelessly underuses KiKi Layne as Nile, who learns from Discord that she is the last Immortal.

But my biggest beef with the sequel is how it still triptoes around Andy and Quỳnh’s romantic past. Sure, we can infer they were more than just besties who kicked ass together. Or, you know, “roommates.” Yet they continue to deny us any glimmer of their sapphic past together. And, SPOILER ALERT, Charlize and Veronica Ngô don’t even kiss once. For a film series that has so lovingly has depicted – and shown – the love between Joe and Nicky, two gay men who have loved and fought side-by-side for centuries, to refuse to show us the same with Andy and Quỳnh seems incongruous to say the least. I mean, look, I get it. Girlfriend is PISSED that Andy didn’t keep looking for her. And 500 years is a long time to process your relationship during watery torture. But, still – flashbacks exist, people.

I’m still glad I watched and, SPOILERS AGAIN, there is hope that the third film might finally give us the Andy/Quỳnh goodness we deserve. I mean, was this whole film just a long lesbian makeup session? We can only hope. At least Charlize kept swinging that labrys the whole movie. And she manages to make that mullet look, well, I mean, she’s still Charlize Theron after all.

Tank Top Tuesday: Old Guard 2 Edition

Well, I am going to have a full review of “Old Guard 2” later this week next week, after I get my shit together from the long holiday weekend. What? Doing nothing while certainly not celebrating America is exhausting. But I thought I would give you a preview of the aesthetic we’re working here – with some bonus tank tops to boot because it’s Tuesday. Lest you forgot, it involves Charlize Theron and Uma Thurman rolling around on the ground together.

Yes, the Uma, Charlize; Charlize, Uma jokes write themselves. But why joke when we can just appreciate these two women standing next to each other. They don’t even need to be wielding weapons to look deadly.

Also, is it just me or are they essentially wearing the same outfit in these shots, minus the formal jacket on Charlize?

Truly Hot Ones

It’s July and, oh yeah, straight people exist. So here are two very nice and nice-to-look-at straight people doing the straightest thing possible, eating super hot chicken wings. Charlize Theron and Uma Thurman did a Hot Ones challenge together to promote “The Old Guard 2.” I maintain it’s homophobic for Netflix to wait to release this movie until early July (tomorrow, to be exact). But, I will forgive them a tiny bit because they cast Charlize and Uma together and made them fight. Come on, The Bride v. Furiosa? Sometimes, it’s the little things. Like Charlize’s plain white T-shirt. Who needs a whole marketing campaign when she can just show up, eat wings and look like that?

The Bride v. Furiosa

Look, I could make a Letterman-style “Uma, Charlize. Charlize, Uma.”-joke here. But that would age us all, and also I’d rather say, holyfuckingshitballs, The Bride fights Furiosa! If you thought I was hyped about “The Old Guard 2” before, goodness I plan to be insufferable until July. I even forgive them for giving Andy that wolf cut. Because the showdown of Charlize Theron v. Uma Thurman is so irresistible. So magnetic. So righteously kickass that I’m not even gonna be mad if they don’t kiss. (But, of course, all things being equal I would rather they did. Ahem.) Also, I think Andy might have her hands full with the return of Quynh. Something tells me her ex might be harboring a grudge, what with being trapped at the bottom of the sea for centuries and all. You know, typical lesbian drama.

Guard Up Again

Who needs some good gay news only this week? I sure do. How about the long-awaited – at least by me – return of “The Old Guard.” Five years after the Charlize Theron action film debuted, the immortal gang is all back for more labrys-swinging ass kickery. To which I say, damn, took you long enough. Now, if you recall the 2020 original, it was Action Charlize at the peak of her game (and with a peak alternative lifestyle haircut). She returns with an even gayer haircut (hello, a wolf cut/mullet, come on) for the sequel and I cannot wait. Like make July 2 get here now. Immediately, if not sooner.

“Old Guard 2” has comic series creator Greg Rucka return with the screenplay and has director-producer Victoria Mahoney step in for the amazing Gina Prince-Bythewood as director. Mahoney is the first female director on a Star Wars film after serving as second unit director on 2019’s “Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker.” For good measure, she was also the first Black woman director in the Star Wars franchise history too. Also joining the cast for the sequel is none other than The Bride herself, Uma Thurman. Action Uma and Action Charlize? Seriously, is it July 2 yet?

I am also excited for the sequel to give us more of Charlize’s Andy and her ex-teammate/girlfriend/ride-or-can’t-die Quynh, played by Veronica Ngô. I feel like after being chained underwater for 500 years these two would have a lot to process. I hope not only with battle axes. Though, just as a reminder, this is how Charlize looks wielding one.

Vacation Vixen: Furiosa

Furiosa forever. Enough said. Happy weekend, all.

Call Me by My Furiosa

See, told you’d I’d have some real posts. But then how could I not post about “Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga?” We all know and adore the original “Mad Max: Fury Road.” And, yes, I’m still a tad salty they didn’t just give Furiosa her own movie, they instead had to make Furiosa younger (and cast a younger actress) to get her own movie. That said, I mean, obviously it looks cool. But, it is also obvious that Anya Taylor-Joy does not radiate the kinetic physicality of Charlize Theron. Like, Charlize is hands down my favorite and the most interesting action star working right now. Yes, no matter the gender. “Mad Max: Fury Road,” “Atomic Blonde,” “The Old Guard.” Please, Tom Cruise’s last three action movies were all sequels – and one was a sequel to another sequel in the same damn franchise. Anyway, I will watch this because a) still a female action lead, and b) still Furiosa. But I certainly hope they don’t let Chris Hemsworth and his enormous prosthetic nose steal the show from our gal.

Tank Top Tuesday: Fetch Me My Axe

Whew, it’s been a week. Here’s a tank top for my tardiness this Tank Top Tuesday. And, you know, a battle axe.

X-cellent Ladies

I guess this is the week I write about trailers for movies I’m not actually that excited to watch but will have to begrudgingly watch because of HOT WOMEN. Truly, I am really that simple. Anyway, I’ve watched (I think) most of the Fast & Furious franchise films, though not necessarily in order and not necessarily at full attention. But the new Fast X brings together not just Michelle Rodriguez, not just Charlize Theron, not just Helen Mirren, but also now Brie Larson and, like, I’m only human. If you make Charlize and Michelle bare-knuckle fight each other I am going to watch. There is no other option. Show me the carnage.

p.s. Also, I just remembered that I didn’t watch No. 9 because they were wankers and gave Charlize this haircut. I mean she still pulls it off, but come on.

Vacation Vixen: Charlize Theron

“The Old Guard” sequel is one of the things I’m looking forward to most in 2023. Charlize Theron and her alternative lifestyle haircut kicking ass and hopefully being super gay along the way? Look, all my New Year’s resolutions can’t be profound. Some of them are just to fully enjoy (respectfully) ogling a hot movie star.

Good & Evil Times

Shoot. The first week back from a vacation always gets away from you somehow. But at least there are things like the new Netflix movie “The School for Good and Evil” to look forward to. Starring Kerry Washington and Charlize Theron as the aforementioned good and evil school head mistresses, respectively, the film looks a little like Harry Potter but with women at its center and more diversity. And more diversity in fantasy and science-fictions films is always welcome because the lack thereof is, clearly, a choice. It’s like all the right wing nutters who insist that elves and mermaids can’t be Black. My dudes, they are ELVES and MERMAIDS. To purposely not have people of all races, ethnicities, body types, you name it play IMAGINARY creatures is truly a failure of imagination. If the worlds we make up in our heads aren’t diverse and inclusive, then they’re not really all that worth imagining — now are they?

Tank Top Tuesday: New Old Guard Edition

I…I don’t know how I feel about this development. On the one hand, I’m thrilled, THRILLED, that they are shooting the sequel to “The Old Guard.” On the other hand, I’m less thrilled, less, that they’ve done this to Charlize Theron/Andy/Andromache of Scythia’s hair while shooting the sequel to “The Old Guard.”

Sure, it’s giving me some serious late 2000s Tegan & Sara vibes. And if there’s anyone who could pull off a fashion mullet, it’s certainly Charlize. Now, I do appreciate the vest and reassurance that Andy’s commitment to tank tops (and those Wayfarers) remains unwavering. And suits, well, suits are new. And I will always appreciate suits.

But the hair? Sigh. We will just have to grit out teeth and trust the process.

Also helping me get over the hair? Uma freaking Thurman. Uma’s presence in the sequel was only just revealed, as were images of her on set tussling with Charlize. The Bride from Kill Bill going after the immortal from The Old Guard? Yes, I would like to see it. Yes.

Fine, maybe I forgive the hair. No, not really. I remain salty.

Vacation Vixen: Charlize & KStew

So it’s mini-vacation time at Surrenders as I celebrate my 10-year dating anniversary with my wife (and also her birthday) this week. So, as always, I’ll leave you with some Vacation Vixens in my absence. Charlize and Kristen kick it off as we ponder the eternal question: Why would you put these two in a movie together and not make them kiss. Like, you know, at least once. For science! See you next week, kittens.

Tank Top Tuesday: Old Guard Edition III

So, yeah, it has been a chaotic week so I am late. But I recently found some new promo gifs for “The Old Guard,” particulary Charlize Theron/Andromache with her labrys. And, well, labryses are hot right now. And, more good news, looks like the sequel to the 2020 Netflix action movie is finally happening. So, get ready for a lot more of Charlize/Andy and her labrys with the rest of the super gay ancient immortal warrior squad.

A Better Hunger

All I want to know on this random Wednesday is why they would put Charlize Theron and Kristen Stewart in a movie together and not make them lesbian vampires in love with each other. I mean, it’s right there.

Luckily I’ve already written my own lesbian vampires in love story in my head that will make us all forget we dutifully sat through “The Hunger” to be respectful of our culture or whatever. And, uh, also forget about the ones with the sparkly vampires. (Though, upon rewatch, if you take them as high camp they’re practically masterpieces.)

I mean, not as much a masterpiece as lesbian vampires in love movie I’ve written in my head. But how could it be with them in it?

And a Charlize New Year

I’m not really the kind of person who puts much stock in vision boards or inner dreamscaping and such. But if I were such a person I would spend an inordinate amount of time pinning scenes from Charlize Theron action movies to my board. She has had – and this is not hyperbole in any way – the best consecutive, non-franchise/sequel-based run of action movies of any actor in modern history. “Mad Max: Fury Road” (2015), “Atomic Blonde” (2017), and “The Old Guard” (2020). That is the holy trinity of quality Charlize Theron action movies. And her kicking dudes asses all over the world and into futuristic apocalyptic hellspace while kissing girls is exactly the energy I want to bring with me into 2021.

p.s. Get out there and VOTE FOR OSSOFF & WARNOCK, GEORGIA. This is our one chance to go all Furiosa/Lorraine/Andy on Mitch's ass, America.

My Weekend Crush

Look, Christmas is coming. And if I could have one gift it would be...for the pandemic to end. For Trump to go to jail. For humans to finally band together to reverse climate change. For BIPOC, LGBTQ+ people and all underrepresented peoples to have full equality and opportunity. And then, after all that, I’d really like that dream Charlize Theron and Aisha Tyler lesbian “Die Hard” movie to happen.

Wait, you haven’t heard about the lesbian “Die Hard” movie with Charlize and Aisha? I shall explain.

The other day someone tweeted that lesbian rom-coms were all fine, but what he really wanted was “a Die Hard where Charlize Theron goes on a rampage to save her wife.”

This is how Charlize responded:

Where do I sign https://t.co/nO47Bj28CN

— Charlize Theron (@CharlizeAfrica) December 8, 2020

And then this is how Aisha responded to Charlize’s response:

Where do I cosign https://t.co/fWe7kWKlME

— Aisha Tyler (@aishatyler) December 8, 2020

Right, so, MAKE IT HAPPEN HOLLYWOOD. Or, you know, Santa could come through. Honest, I’ve been extremely good this year. Barely left the house. Worn a mask. Kept socially distant. Washed my hands. Voted for Joe Biden. Yes, I sorta believed the polls so that was bad. But, truly, it’s been just an unending hellscape of a year. We need this. We want this. We deserve this. COME THROUGH, SANTA. Happy safe, healthy and righteous weekend, all.

Mask Up, Ladies

Never mind women in tank tops. These days, women properly wearing face masks in public is my new sexuality. After seeing how amazing Cate Blanchett looks in a face mask to prevent the spread of coronavirus, I thought I’d share the love. Because, and I cannot stress this point enough, all women look amazing in face masks. Why? Well, wearing a face mask means 1) you believe in science, 2) you care about other people, and 3) you aren’t an enormous asshole – at least not on the issue of spreading a potentially deadly and debilitating highly communicable respiratory illness.

I know, it seems absolutely insane that six months into a global pandemic we still have to try (largely in vain) to get more people to wear face masks. Like they’re mandated in my state (as they should be across the county) yet compliance is still hit-and-miss. But the very same people screaming about their “FREEDOMS!” are the people who keep telling Black Americans they won’t get shot by police if only they comply. But ask them to comply by putting a piece of cloth over their big, stupid mouth and nose to keep those around them healthy and you’d think we rolled the Constitution into a blunt and started smoking it in front of their faces.

Anyway. Long story short, be like Charlize, wear a damn mask. And, while you’re at it, wash your hands and fill out your Census.

Charlize Theron

I have every confidence if Charlize/Furiosa/Andy ran across you not wearing a mask, they would 100 percent kick your ass.

Janelle Monae

Giving out food to those in need and accessorizing with a hat. She can do it all.

Tilda Swinton

Masks, for humans and space aliens.

Jennifer Lopez

Ageless, flawless, but definitely not maskless. Bonus points for the tank top on a Tuesday, too.

Lady Gaga

Honestly not sure if this mask is medically sound, but it sure is hard to miss.

Naomi Osaka

Wearing the names of Black women and men killed by police on your way to winning her second U.S. Open championish is, what the kids today call, a whole mood. A very, very good mood.

Chrissy Teigen

A mask plus three pizzas? Who says the perfect human being does not exist?

Hillary Clinton

We probably wouldn’t even still have to be wearing masks if the stupid Electoral College didn’t exist.

Kamala Harris

A mask, a blazer and some Chucks. Now that’s my Vice President Straight Bette Porter.