The eLection Word

Look, I have no idea who will ultimately win the Democratic nomination for president in 2020. But I do know one thing, I will vote for a Democrat for president in 2020 no matter what. We’ve got more than a year and a half and an infinite number of Trump administration corruption scandals to go before the next presidential election, but already there are so many contenders and would-be contenders in the mix. While it’s overwhelming to think of how many candidates we’ll have to choose from, I truly think the field will benefit from vigorous – though not vicious – primary. The motto for the all the Democratic candidates should be, “First, do no harm (to each other).” Because, dammit, one of these men or women has to win…she just has to.

While we no doubt each have our personal favorites from the candidates and would-be candidates, the issue that really matters (you know – besides climate change, Medicare for all, $15 minimum wage, criminal justice reform, voting rights, racism, LGBTQ equality, et al) is how the candidates compare to their “The L Word” counterparts. Who will pander to us, the all-important queer women who obsessively watched “The L Word” constituency? So here are the candidates and their TLW doppelgängers. Because if we can’t have fun with this already infernal 2020 election cycle, we will definitely go insane before Nov. 3, 2020.

ANNOUNCED

Kamala Harris: Bette Porter

The senator from California is Bette because duh.

Kirsten Gillibrand: Tina Kennard

The senator from New York is Tina because I am deeply invested in a Straight TiBette 2020 Ticket.

Elizabeth Warren: Shane McCutcheon

The senator from Massachusetts is Shane because you always remember your first progressive girl crush.

Pete Buttigieg: Howie Fairbanks

The openly gay mayor of South Bend, Ind. Is Dana’s little brother Howie because he gives off that just-out baby gay vibe and you know it.

Julian Castro: Max Sweeney

The former Secretary of Housing and Urban Development is Max because he deserved a better storyline/would have made a great VP candidate in 2016.

Andrew Yang: Sandrine Holt

The former tech executive is Sandrine because she was the only recurring character on the show of East Asian descent and being a a tech executive is basically like being a con artist.

John Delaney: Random Bald Guy TiBette Asked For Sperm

The former congressman from Maryland is that random bald guy because, seriously, who?

Tulsi Gabbard: Lisa the “lesbian-identified man”

The congresswoman from Hawaii is Lisa because you can call yourself a Democrat all you want, but we know you’re just a anti-LGBTQ, pro-Assad fraud.

CONSIDERING

Joe Biden: Kit Porter

Good old Uncle Joe is Kit because everyone likes Kit, but you didn’t tune in/vote for Kit.

Bernie Sanders: Tim Haspel

Bernie is Tim because I’ve got nothing against straight white men, but this election/show is for the rest of us.

Cory Booker: Tasha Williams

The senator from New Jersey is Tasha because good, incredibly charismatic people can sometimes be a tad more conservative than their friend group.

Beto O'Rourke: Alice Pieszecki

The failed senate candidate from Texas is Alice because everyone lovesloveloves him, but he might not be ready for the big leagues since his senatorial campaign/spin-off show failed to launch.

Sherrod Brown: Angus the Manny

The senator from Ohio who is married to Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Connie Schultz is Angus because he seems sweet and sincere, but if he ever cheated on Connie we’d drop him in a heartbeat.

Michael Bloomberg: Mark the Creepy Video Guy

The billionaire ex-mayor of New York is Mark because he isn’t your friend, he is just another billionaire Republican from New York and can fuck right off.

Howard Schultz: Toxic Tonya

The billionaire former Starbucks CEO considering a run as an independent is Tonya because the last thing we need is another opportunistic social climber without any experience trying to run the country.

OTHER

Barack Obama: Dana Fairbanks

Obama is Dana because he’s beloved, deeply missed – dead to us because of fucking term limits.

Donald Trump: Jenny Schecter

Trump is Jenny because – while this might actually be unfair to Jenny – someone has to be the most hated crazy clown in the room.

BONUS

Unnamed Other Female Candidate: Carmen de la Pica Morales

The mystery “other” female candidate is Carmen because she’s hot and perfect and elusive, yet will still somehow get dumped at the ballot box/altar as soon as she wants to make it official by so-called progressive dudes who love to say, “I’d vote for a woman – just not that woman.”

Naked Lady Monday: TLW Edition

So while I took Leap Day to bemoan the lack of Jennifer Beals on our TVs, I know plenty of “The L Word” alums are gainfully employed and gracing our screens (large and small) with their post-Chaiken magnificence. So, because it’s Monday and because some of you seemed somewhat perplexed by the clothing-optional selections I posted of their former coworker, I thought I’d double down. How about a little Naked Lady Monday with the hard-working former ladies of TLW? These lovely former ladies of the L all have interesting projects and programs they’re working on. And that they look god not entirely clothed? Well, that’s a sure bet. (As always, sort of NSFW. But, come on, you know you want to peek.)

Sarah ShahiThe artist formerly known as Carmen returns for the second season of “Fairly Legal” March 16 on USA. She’ll be back as legal mediator Kate Reed who usually wears considerably more clothes than this while solving complex legal disputes.

Janina GavankarThe artist formerly known as Papi will return as a series regular on True Blood this summer on HBO. She plays shifter Luna, who kind of has forever redefined my image of a beautiful wild pony running free across the planes.

Kate MoennigThe artist formerly known as Shane has signed onto the Showtime pilot “Ray Donovan,” where she will play gay once again as the “dark, intense” right hand gal to the title character L.A. P.I. to the rich and famous. Via the pilot script, we first see her waking up next to lovely lady in bed. Guess we all know who she’s looking very like that day.

Mia KirshnerThe artist formerly known as Jenny had a recurring role on “The Vampire Diaries” last season. She can next be seen on the big screen alongside True Blood vamp Stephen Moyer in the horror film “The Barrens,” about a family being stalked by the Jersey Devil. Hmmm, maybe it killed Jenny.

Lauren Lee SmithThe artist formerly known as the Soup Chef joined the second season of the Canadian psychic drama The Listener, and will return for its third season debuting later this year. I’m not going to lie, I miss the red hair.

Leisha HaileyThe artist formerly known as Alice is still as adorable as ever. But instead of acting she’s making merry music with her band Uh Huh Her. And they even have a new video out, with “So You Think You Can Dance” runner-up and out dancer Sasha Mallory.



Definitely NSFW:

Pam GrierThe artist formerly known as Kit starred alongside Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts in “Larry Crowne” last year. The inimitable Ms. Grier can next be seen in the action film “The Man with the Iron Fists” with Russell Crowe and Lucy Liu. To quote every line of Kit’s dialogue ever, “You go, baby girl!”

NOTE: No, clearly, this is not a comprehensive update of all the past TLW regulars. Those without current performing projects on the large or small screen were left off on purpose.

Vacation Vixen: Pam Grier

To paraphrase Kit Porter, “Damn, baby girl. Damn.”

Gun it

Now, don’t get me wrong, I liked “Inception.” It was like one of those M.C. Escher paintings from you college dorm room came to life, spun around a dozen times and then spit out that guy from “Titanic” and that gal from “Juno.” Also, who doesn’t love Ellen Page in an assortment of neckerchiefs? But what I really want is a little lady action. Sure Marion Cotillard gets to brandish a weapon here and there. But I crave is the big, bad-ass ladies with even bigger guns. I mean, damn Michelle Rodriguez, damn. So now the only question is, old school or new school? Decisions, decisions.

OLD SCHOOL

Gail DavisAnnie’s got not one, but two guns. As it should be.

Jane FondaWell now, Ms. Ballou, I like the way you point that thing.

Marlene DietrichThis is her just hanging at the shooting range in leather pants.

Pam GrierShe wasn’t called Foxy Brown for nothing.

Audrey HepburnAdmittedly, this is just adorable. I mean, a sun hat – come on.

NEW SCHOOL

Zoe SaldanaModern girls know how to double-fist it, too.

Noomi RapaceNo American version needed, thank you very much.

Milla Jovovich & Ali LarterTwo girls, one shotgun. So much better.

Yvonne StrahovskiIn my dream scenario Agent Sarah Walker and Agent Annie Walker meet and compare, um, guns.

Angelina JolieYes, I know, we already had a lengthy discussion about sodium content this week. But Ebert gave “Salt” four stars, and I want it to do well this weekend. Ladies first, ya know.

So, ladies – old school or new school? Or is it just fun to be schooled, period?

My Weekend Crush

I need more Pam Grier in my life. I know she is on “Smallville” right now, but I can only bring myself to watch one teenage show on the CW at a time and right now that honor goes to the one with the vampires. Though I’m thrilled Pam is still on TV somewhere. She is just too fun not to be. One of the (many) great disappointments of “The L Word” was that Mama Chaiken couldn’t find something better for Kit to do than the requisite “baby girl!” each episode. Sure, there were the Ivan Aycock and Sunset Boulevard relationships. But there was also the alcoholism, the manny, the self help philanderer, the homophobic son, the Papi experiment, the armed robbery, the near homicides, the armed Angelica – need I go on? And then all too often she was relegated to being sassy head shake or the comforting hug giver. But Pam is, of course, capable of so much more. In fact, anyone who can effortlessly pull a gun out of her afro deserves more. Her bad-ass bona fides come from a career of kicking ass and taking names in blaxploitation films. Still even with her minimal dialog on TLW, Pam projected warmth, humor, spunk and strength. I mean, it’s not everyone who can walk down a hallway like this. Work it, baby girl. Happy weekend, all.

Tank Top Tuesday: Burton’s Babes Edition

You know, I enjoyed “Alice in Wonderland.” Truth be told, I pretty much enjoy all Tim Burton films on one level or another. “Alice” was a good film, not a great film. It was fun, but without some of the wonder you'd expect Burton to bring to the land. But what I really liked were the women in the film (I know, I know – when don’t I like the women in a film?). I wasn’t familiar with Mia Wasikowska before the movie. I’d never seen “In Treatment” and just basically didn’t know her from Mia Hamm. But, oooh and doogie. Did she make an impression. Actually, I think it was her suit of armor that made an indelible impression. Say what you will, but Tim Burton has great taste in women. (Men, too, but – gosh – who doesn’t love Johnny Depp?)

Helena Bonham CarterAlice in Wonderland, Sweeney Todd, Corpse Bride, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Big Fish, Planet of the Apes

Anne HathawayAlice in Wonderland

Christina RicciSleepy Hollow

Pam Grier

Mars Attacks!

Michelle Pfeiffer

Batman Returns

Marion CotillardBig Fish

Sarah Jessica ParkerEd Wood

Winona RyderBeetlejuice, Edward Scissorhands

Mia WasikowskaConsider this a bonus, like Armor Top Tuesday.