That's Madam Boss Bitch to You

Well, we all know that “Choose Your Quarantine Fighter” meme by now. (Again, I’m the one who cried in the shower after reading the news.) But some real-life badass quarantine fighting ladies got together to film the ultimate “Boss Bitch Fight Challenge.”

I suggest you go ahead and watch if you haven’t already before reading the rest. But if you don’t mind getting spoiled, get ready to see stuntwoman and actress Zoe Bell fight it out (while maintaining proper social distance) with many of her talented and famous – and might I add fierce – female friends.

Fighting it out are professional stuntwomen and some very famous actresses. They go, in order: Zoe Bell, Lucy Lawless, stuntwoman Tara Macken, Drew Barrymore, Juliette Lewis, stuntwoman Tamiko Brownlee, Rosario Dawson, stuntwoman Amy Johnston, Cameron Diaz, stuntwoman Kim Murphy, Daniela Ruah, stuntwoman Michaela McAllister, Kaitlin Olson, stuntwoman Lauren Mary Kim, Florence Pugh, Zoe again but this time with a puppy, Julia Butters, stuntowman Angela Meryl, stuntwoman Sarah Irwin, Daryl Hannah, Sophia Di Martino, Tracie Thoms, stuntwoman Shauna Duggins, Zoe Saldana, stuntwoman Ming Qiu, Renee Goldsberry, Rosie Perez, Lilly Aspell, Thandie Newton, stuntwoman Mel Stubbs, stuntwoman Jessie Graff, Zoe but this time at her car, stuntwoman Monique Ganderton, Halle Berry, stuntwoman Heidi Moneymaker, Scarlett Johansson, stuntwoman Dayna Grant, Margot Robbie, stuntwoman Renae Moneymaker, KT Tunstall and finally back to Zoe.

Gosh, that was fun. Who was your favorite? I’m still crying in the shower as far as my fighting styles goes. But, I’d gladly have any of these ladies tap in for me at any time. Any time at all.

Tank Top Halle

Full Disclosure: I do not like guns. I do not own any guns. I do want all the gun control.

That being said, the lizard part of my brain grew up watching American TV and American movies so I therefore cannot resist a good fictional (and only ever fictional) shoot out. So it is that spirit which I share this video of a mostly tank-topped Halle Berry showing off her shooting skills while training for “John Wick: Chapter 3.” Gotta love that double tap. Ahem.

I will also admit to having an outsized fondness for the operatic violence of the whole John Wick franchise. It’s, like, finally – an action movie series that admits that life is just random bursts of violence, chaos and inequality, but at least we get to pet dogs sometimes.

p.s. For those who don’t like even seeing guns, you can still enjoy some Halle Berry tank top action, plus some bonus lady-smooching-lady action from when she dropped by Jimmy Kimmel Live to give some needed inspiration to guest host/everyone’s favorite stud Lena Waithe.

SGALGG: Oscars Edition

And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming. So the Oscars were on Sunday. If you want a comprehensive recap of the big show (Cliffs Notes version: boobs song, sexist joke, Jaws theme, J-Falls perfectly) check it out over at AfterEllen. If you want to see a bunch of Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals together, well, you know where to go. No, wait, don’t go anywhere. Stay here, because that’s where they are. No, I mean it. Just scroll down.

Jennifer Lawrence & Anne Hathaway

Don’t they look like the toppers on a gay lady same-sex wedding cake? Replace those shiny naked golden men with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and it’s pretty much ready for the “I Dos.”

Catherine Zeta-Jones & Jennifer Hudson

I am telling you, I’m not going…down on you in front of all of these people. Wait until later, darling.

Amanda Seyfried & Jessica Chastain

Zero Dark Eyes Up, Chastain. Eyes up.

Norah Jones & Adele

Think of the beautiful music they could make together. Figuratively and literally.

Reese Witherspoon, Naomi Watts & Isla Fisher

Naomi is the shiny meat in this beautiful cobalt blue sandwich.

Sally Field & Amy Poehler

Kiss! Make it a threesome with Tina Fey! Or with Aubrey Plaza since she’s leering at you two together in the background already.

Halle Berry & Paula Patton

No, you’re prettier. No, you’re prettier. No, you’re prettier. No, you’re… Sorry, I’m imagining their conversation.

Anne Hathaway & Sarah Silverman

Unlike Zeta-Jones and JHud, they’re not waiting to be alone to make the magic happen.

Miley Cyrus & Kelly Osbourne

This is becoming a regular thing for these two. Same time, same place next year I can only assume.

Jennifer Aniston & Charlize Theron

The blurriness of this picture was obviously caused by Jen lunging toward Charlize because no one has the kind of restraint to hold herself back when presented with that much stunning.

Charlize’s Hair

I’ve never asked a haircut to call me before. But in this case, gurl, call me.

My pretties

Who says I need a fucking theme? After staying up way, way, crazy way too late writing this week’s Rizzoli & Isles Subtext Recap (check it out later today on AfterEllen, won’t you please), I just felt like posting pretty things. And I am in the process of some technological transition (more on that soon). So today all I could muster was this thought, if there must be a theme. Ladies, pretty. Pictures, good. It’s the best I can do. Please accept them with my sincerest apologies. But then, who needs complex thought with all this pretty?

Halle Berry

I have no idea what is happening in her personal life, but damn if that woman can’t fill out a T-shirt.

Vivienne Westwood & Christina Hendricks

Just a couple ginger gals hanging out and stuff.

Lucy Liu

Sure, I like her on “Elementary.” But, gosh, if I don’t miss the cop outfit from “Southland.”

Lena Headey

Because I can. Because it makes me feel good. That’s why.

Tank Top Tuesday: Superhero Edition

I like superheroes. I particularly like female superheroes. Sadly, there aren’t too many of them around, particularly on the big screen. Which kind of makes no sense because female superheroes tend to wear skin-tight outfits. And we as a culture love to look at women in skin-tight outfit. So it’s a win-win, really. Of course, the other side is that our culture tends to be scared/dismissive of women with power. And you don’t get much more powerful than a female superhero. So I guess our society’s love of sexy ladies is overridden by its need to subjugate all ladies.* Hm. That was kinda deep for a post featuring a lot of sexy ladies in skin-tight tank tops. My point is, we need more movies with female superheroes. Particulary good ones, because I have sat through too many really bad female superhero movies than I care to acknowledge. And as excited – duh, Joss Whedon and superheroes, of course I’m excited – as I am about “The Avengers” opening this weekend, I’m still bummed that the ladies are fewer and less prominent than the gentlemen. So let’s hear it for the ladies in lycra. Long may they save the world.

*Temporary wording fail. All fixed. Carry on, sisters in spandex.

Scarlett Johansson, Black Widow

Whatever boys, I’m all about Scarlett and her incredible thigh power.

Anna Paquin, Rogue

I kinda miss her as a brunette. But I really miss that white streak.

Jessica Alba, The Invisible Woman

Any movie that casts Jessica Alba and then makes her invisible is missing the point.

Charlize Theron, Aeon Flux

I wish this movie had been better, like a lot.

Halle Berry, Storm and Catwoman

Oh, Halle – you know I love you. But, alas, you’re really not at your best in superhero films.

Cobie Smulders, Agent Maria Hill

I want Cobie and Scarlett to have a lot of screentime together. Because the boy shippers can’t have all the fun at “The Avengers.”

Famke Janssen, Jean Grey/Phoenix

I love her eyebrows. Yes, I realize those aren’t what I should be staring at.

Helen Slater, Supergirl

True story, my dad took me to see Supergirl when I was a kid and afterward on the way out I accidentally hit one of the theater armrests and broke it in half. And my dad said, “Whoa there, looks like I’ve got my own little Supergirl.”

Eartha Kitt, Catwoman

Now that’s how you do Catwoman, Halle.

Which female superheroes are you holding out for – so to speak?

Tank Top Tuesday: Global Warming Edition

It’s been an unusually warm winter out here in California. Granted, it’s California. So it’s always going to be warmer in the winter than, say, Minnesota. But still, even for the Golden State it’s a little nuts. Especially up here in Northern California. I mean, it’s supposed to hit the 70s this week. It’s still February, right? I know this should probably be wringing my hands about global warming and our carbon emissions. And – don’t worry, Al Gore – I totally do. But I’m also a tiny bit selfishly grateful for our depleted ozone layer. Because it means ladies are going to break out the tank tops that much faster. Hey, don’t judge me. I recycle.

Troian Bellisario

I’m so behind on my “Pretty Little Liars.” Is Spencer gay yet? Because she should be.

Lena HeadeyRemember when Lena was on that show about robots from the future and she ran around in a lot of tank tops. Yeah, me too.

Olivia WildeRemember when Olivia was on that show about teenagers from The O.C. and she made out with Mischa Barton? Yeah, me too.

Maria BelloOh, “Prime Suspect,” you could have been so damn good.

Halle BerryIt’s been 10 years since she won her Oscar. I know, that is blowing my mind too.

Mila KunisMore movies where you make out with Natalie Portman. Less movies where you make out with Justin Tumberlake. Oh, and don’t even consider making out with Ashton Kutcher again, honey.

Charlize TheronEvery time I see her in a tank top I think, “You know what, $140,000 for a kiss might even be a little low.”

Michelle RodriguezIf I had a dollar for each time Michelle gave a camera this look I’d be able to buy everyone of you a tank top, and then some.

Hope Solo

OK, OK – this isn’t “technically” a tank top. But it sure makes me appreciate warm weather. Also sweat. Also abs. Mmmm, abs.

Right, so maybe our carbon footprint isn’t looking so great. But until the rising oceans swallow all the land, I’m going to enjoy this silver lining while I can.

Hello, 60 percent

So last week, this splashy headline came out that said “More than half of women are attracted to other women!” Hallelujah! Praise lesbian Jesus! All our dry spells are over. We have a better than 50-50 change of scoring with that cute brunette at the bar. Go get ‘em, tigers.

I mean, who wouldn’t be attracted to other women?

Women look like this.

And like this.

Also this.

Or this.

Other times that.

And even a little of this and that.

Of course, the reality is this news probably will not improve our ability to pick up hot straight chicks. The original report came from the UK’s Daily Mail, a publication notorious for loving sensational headlines and fuzzy math. That article about a Boise State study by a professor Elizabeth Morgan that was published in the Journal of Sex Research said that “60 percent (of heterosexual women) were sexually attracted to other women; 45 percent had kissed a woman and 50 per cent had fantasies about the same sex.” But, again, it’s the Daily Mail. So, you know, please feel free to chug your salt shaker.

Doing a little research of my own, I did indeed find a real study published in the Journal of Sex Research by a Elizabeth M. Morgan, a Boise State psychology professor, that looks at sexual orientation questioning among heterosexual women ages 18 to 23. The number of women in the study was different than the Daily Mail’s numbers (study: 333, Daily Mail: 484) and findings seem a little different. The real study found that “67 percent of exclusively heterosexual respondents indicated having thought about and/or questioned their sexual orientation.” Of those who have questioned their orientation, the questioning behavior broke down as “unelaborated questioning (19 percent), other-sex experiences (16 percent), exposure to sexual minorities (26 percent), assessment of same-sex attraction (48 percent) and evaluations of same-sex behavior (26 percent).”

Now I can’t be 100 percent sure these are the same studies, because of the differences in sample sizes and report percentages. (Prof. Morgan’s full article is only available for purchase and while I want to prove a point, and I don’t really care so much that I feel like shelling out $34.) And, even if it is the same study, the fairly small participant pool means I wouldn’t go making a bunch of universal proclamations based on it alone.

But, still, it adds research to that long-assumed truth that women are more sexually fluid than men. Or, at the very least, women are more willing and comfortable with being honest about their sexual fluidity. Or maybe we should just chalk it up to college. Besides learning how to shotgun a beer and sleep with your eyes open, students pretty much major in sexual experimentation during those years of academic excellence. This is also where that beer shotgunning thing can come in handy.

In the end, we don’t really need a study (or a fake study) to tell us that while we may not be able to hook up with all these some 60 percent of straight gal, we know they’re at least taking a look at us ladies. How could they not? I mean, look at us.

UPDATE: Wow, ask the universe and it delivers. I now am in possession of seven (SEVEN) copies of Prof. Morgan’s report. So looks like I’ll have some light reading to do this week. Thank you, thank you, kittens. You are, continually, the best.

SGALGG: Lesbian Oscars Edition

God, did you make it through all 127 hours of the Oscars telecast? Did anyone find James Franco’s personality? Or, better yet, could he have just shared whatever he was smoking with all of us. That way it would have been a much more enjoyable experience for all parties involved. Though, despite the show falling in its desperate attempt to be young and breaking its hipness, there were still some quality Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals moments. I mean, the show’s one conscious host Anne Hathaway herself called it “a great year for lesbians.”

Michelle Willliams & Busy PhillipsBusy was Michele’s date for the Oscars, and they even arrived holding hands. Someone needs to give them a portmanteau tout de suite.

Gwyneth Paltrow & Cameron DiazI can’t tell if I’m more excited by the SGALGGy hug or the arm porn. Probably both.

Sandra Bullock & Halle BerryI will pay good money to whoever has the next photo in this sequence. Kiss her you fool!

Marisa Tomei & Melissa LeoMarisa looks like she’s about to jump into Melissa’s arms. And then, in my head, they do the dramatic lift from “Dirty Dancing.”

Selena Gomez & Taylor SwiftWhile the Bieber kid looks more lesbian, Selena and Taylor make a cuter couple.

Leslie Mann, Emma Stone & Jennifer WestfeldtThe best thing about this picture is how badly Judd Apatow wants to make this a foursome and how defiantly the ladies are keeping it a threesome.

Rosario Dawson & Jennifer HudsonWhat I would not give to hear a “Take Me or Leave Me” duet between those two.

Reese Witherspoon & Elizabeth BanksI’m assuming Reese just said something absolutely filthy about what she was going to do with that finger and Elizabeth approves.

Anne HathawayIf only Anne had hosted with herself and her tuxedoed self, instead of James Franco. It would have been so much more entertaining, and hot.

Lea Michele & Dianna AgronI particularly love how they both look like they’ve been caught in the act. Busted, Achele, busted.

GGALGG Bonus: Lora Hirschberg & her wife LauraOut lesbian sound mixer Lora Hirschberg won for Inception and got a smooch on her way to the stage.

OK, Anne Hathaway, you were right. It was a great year for lesbians, or at least lesbian behavior.

p.s. Check out my full Oscar recap over at AfterEllen.