Pre-L: Last Couple Standing

L607: “Last Couple Standing”
Today’s Pre-L is brought to you by the indescribably awesome and unendingly lovely ladies at tibette.com. Without them, there would be no pre-cap this week. In short, they saved my ass. I just want to hug them all with my legs in friendship. With that, a couple of blog notes: 1) This Pre-L is made from a rough cut, so it may vary slightly from Sunday’s final version. 2) Because it is a rough cut, the screencaps are blurrier than normal. But, hey, blurry screencaps are better than no screencaps, right? As luck would have it, I also have some high-resolution production stills from the episode. So you’ll notice that while most of the caps are incredibly fuzzy, a few are incredibly clear. I know, it’s very Goldilocks of me. And with that, ladies, who wants to dance?

1. Beating a dead horse much?2. If looks could kill, we wouldn’t need a pool.3. Shit, these aren’t the auditions for “Hair?”4. I am not a crook cheater.5. And that is the story of the first Thanksgiving. Any questions?6. This Bad-Ass Motherfuckers Club meeting will come to order.7. Hey, wait, we already saw this afterschool special.8. The Lewinsky of TLW has a black iPhone instead of a blue dress.9. When it rains, it pours.10. WWJD: “Fuck you, you fucking bitch.”11. The rhythm? Not exactly gonna get Shane.12. Feeling the music? Check…… Pumping hard? Triple check.13. It’s always that damn French judge.14. Does no one just use the bathroom to pee anymore?15. Oooooh……see those girls……watch that scene……(over and over and over again)……dig’in the dancing queens.16. Reunited and it feels so good.17. Look who is showing off her “Dancing with the Stars” skills.18. Impersonating Mary Katherine Gallagher won’t save you now.19. Those clips keep the minor demon inside Jenny’s head.20. Hey, dude looks like a…dude.21. Reading a bus schedule is harder than it seems, apparently.22. The day the music died.
New Guestbian Count: 0
Best Line Pretty Much Ever: “You know what, they’ve got wigs and spandex. It’s not a fucking joke.” – Bette to Tina about Alice-n-Pepa
Second Best Line Pretty Much Ever: “I am in a turquoise onesie for you, ok.” – Tasha to Alice
They Know Each Other Too Well I: “Why are you so competitive? – Alice to Bette
They Know Each Other Too Well II: “Oh, so cute.” – Bette to Alice
Once More, With Feeling: Big, sloppy love to tibette.com.

My Weekend Crush

Those arms. That laugh. To not melt in the presence of either is practically a sin. And when those arms and that laugh come together in a tank top, well, all higher brain function pretty much ceases. For three seasons Rose Rollins has brought dignity and warmth to Tasha Williams. As one of the show's few butch characters (well, butch-er, it's still the undeniably feminine Rose underneath there), she took what could have been a cardboard cutout of a stoic soldier and made her likable, relatable and – most important – believable. You actually understand why the opposites of Tasha and Alice might attract thanks to Rose and Leisha's great chemistry. Off screen Rose has embraced her legions (and I mean legions, did you see the Tank Top Tuesday-Off voting?) of lesbian fans. And, if being a wonderful actress and supportive ally weren't enough, she is also a straight-up truth talker. Watch her This Just Out with Liz Feldman interview from earlier this week and you'll see a refreshingly candid take on the disappointment of season 6. Also refreshing is that instead of simply bashing the show's obvious creative shortfalls, she seems genuinely saddened at the lost opportunity that will forever be the great failure of “The L Word.” “It's surrounded by negativity,” she said. “We're ending this season on a negative note, and I feel like it's totally contradictory of what the show represents or how it should inspire women.” Yep, what she said. Happy weekend, all.

Top hoser

In mourning for Carla's loss and Hosea's win, I will refer you to my final "Top Chef" mini-cap posted today on AfterEllen. It's hard to fully articulate my disappointment in both the end result and ultimately this season. Gail Simmons summed it up perfectly.

Top Tortoise

Tonight is the night. Tonight we see if the tortoise really can beat the hare or, more appropriately in this case, the hair-free. Carla has been an absolute delight this season. Sure, she started out kinda kooky but now she is absolutely adorable. You just want to hug her. Or dance with her. Or simply be in the presence in such an uncanny human embodiment of a fraggle.

Seriously, at this point if you're not rooting for Carla then I'm not sure we can be friends. It's not just that she is more likable than her competitors. Sure, Stefan is endlessly arrogant and Hosea is endlessly whiny. But instead of hoping someone loses, as I've done in past season, I genuinely want her to win. She is the best chef out there. Plus if nothing else, think of the epic reaction shot we'd be treated to if Padma proclaims her Top Chef. In my mind's eye it would a little like the distillation of rainbows and unicorns and kittens and butterflies, in one smile.

Hell, you just know even the eternally serene Padma is secretly rooting for Team Hootie-Hoo.

So, now it's all over but the cooking. Go Hooti-Hoo, go! Let's all hope slow and steady really does win the race. And if that doesn't work, there's always pizzazz!

p.s. Just because every time I watch this clip it reminds me what it means to be awesome, let's see this one once more, with feeling:

Target practice

When Sarah Haskins says “Target: Women” she means “target women.” As hello bullseye, goodbye breathing. You see, Sarah has uncovered a sinister plot at the “Today” show. A plot that is being played out for a national television audience oblivious to the grizzly fate that awaits one of their morning favorites. It's a plot to kill Ann Curry.

Now, of course, this got me thinking about whether other women on our televisions should worry for their safety. Perhaps Ann isn't the only one with a primetime hit on her life. And, sure enough, a few sprang immediately to mind. The signs are everywhere. Their fates are sealed. And now, we the viewing audience can only watch as their shows execute the old leave the gun, take the cannoli routine.

The Target: Izzie Stevens, “Grey's Anatomy”The Signs: Never mind seeing dead people, she sleeps with them.
The Hit:It's not a tumor. Maybe it is. Work faster, interns!
The Cannoli: Perhaps not dead, but definitely gone by summer.

The Target: Thirteen, “House”The Signs: Chronic partying, occasional bisexuality, terminally dull relationship with male co-worker
The Hit: The Huntington's was apparently moving too slowly, so why not throw in a tumor and blindness?
The Cannoli: Would they really kill off two girlfriends in two consecutive seasons? Only if you can die from boredom.

The Target: Jenny Schecter, “The L Word”The Signs: Everyone screaming “I'm going to fucking kill you Jenny Schecter!”
The Hit: Best to heed those “no lifeguard on duty” warnings, hon.
The Cannoli: Jenny Schecter. January 18, 2004-March 8, 2009. Deranged Daughter. Insane Friend. She annoyed the world, a lot.

So, can you think of any other easy targets? And I can't be the only one who would kill for a cannoli right now...figuratively.

SGALGG: Oscar Edition

Oh, kittens. The amassed awesome at last night's Oscars was a thing of beauty. Think about it. Last night, all together in one room were, among others: Tina Fey, Kate Winslet, Tilda Swinton, Penelope Cruz, Angelina Jolie, Freida Pinto, Natalie Portman, Diane Lane, Anne Hathaway, Sophia Loren and Meryl fucking Streep. Now, I say Meryl fucking Streep for a reason, because amid last night's orgy of gorgeousness I noticed an interesting trend. Everyone who was anyone wanted to rub up against Meryl Streep. Shit, do you blame them? So in honor of the touchy-feely goodness, I give you a very special Oscar edition of SGALGG. Straight(ish, no comment) Gals Acting Like Gay Gals Who Want to Fuck Meryl. Or, you know, SGALGGWWFM. Put that on a bumper sticker, I dare you. [Click any for big Meryl love.]

Meryl & Penelope CruzMeryl & Queen LatifahMeryl & Sophia LorenMeryl & Natalie PortmanMeryl & Anne HathawayMeryl & Jennifer AnistonMeryl & Kate Winslet

Still, despite the SGALGGWWFM smörgåsbord of last night, a couple of my dream pairings didn't quite happen. But, never one to let reality get in the way of something hot, I remedied that the only way I know how. I give you a very, very special Oscar SGALGG Addendum: Straight(ish, again) Gals We Wish Acted Like Gay Gays But Didn't So We Photoshopped Together Instead. Yeah, I'm not even going to attempt that acronym.

Kate & Tilda & PenelopeTina & Angelina

p.s. Got a dream SGWWALGGBDSWPTI pairing? Well, Photoshop 'em together, already, and leave 'em in the comments.

UPDATE: Dare accepted. Hat tip to garbungled for the awesome bumper sticker!

Pre-L: Lactose Intolerant

L606: “Lactose Intolerant”
Wow, could the episode's title be more appropriate? As someone who suffers from the aforementioned affliction, I can tell you that this week's installment had the exact same effect on me as drinking a tall, cold glass of milk. Bloating, discomfort, gurgling, pain and the sudden and uncontrollable need to evacuate one's bowels. In short, it stinks. So grab the antacids and keep a clear path to the bathroom. You're going to need it.

1. It's a Mickey Mouse operation, so why not sound like him too.2. How many licks does it take to get to the center of the crazy?3. Gee, what could possibly go wrong here?4. Oh, Jenny. Jenny could go wrong here.5. People who lie, frame and extort should maybe be a little more understanding about the verifying of intentions. I'm just saying.6. WWJD: “I'm going to fucking kill your girlfriend!”7. I don't care how good the sex is, it can't be worth this.8. I hope Daniela TPed Ilene's house after this.9. I am in ur kitchn, flirtin with ur new gurl.10. If only this pump would suck the ego out of Mama C.11. I don't know nothing about birthin' no babies.12. Helena demonstrates the only way to survive this season.13. Thank fucking God.14. Hello, Tank Top Tuesday: Sweaty Threesome Edition15. Shit, did Tasha just tip?16. Transference, look it up.17. Is showering naked part of newbie hazing? 'Cause, I approve.18. What? We were just doing our taxes.19. Leave it to Bette and Tina to hire a straight handy dyke.20. Wait, isn't Shane a hairdresser. Now she's Annie Leibovitz?21. Hands! Hands!22. Ass! Ass!23. Hey, Kelly, her eyes are considerably higher.24. What do you mean? I am moving my forehead.25. That third wheel just turned into a third rail.26. Oysters have forever been ruined for me.27. Someone get that poor girl a milk crate.28. Sunset meet high tide.29. Who is the third wheel now?30. Shane sees the light, promptly uses it to cheat.31. Transference, seriously, it's in the dictionary.32. Damn, don't overreact. Next time I'll to eat a breath mint first.33. Beware botox bearing bubbly.34. The importance of camera angles has never been clearer.35. The first and only time I have ever hated an iPhone.
New Guestbian Count: 1-ish, Weezie the straight handy dyke (Tanja Dixon-Warren)
Jenny Is Nuts Line of the Week: “Oh no, Jenny's not malicious. Just completely and totally evil.” – Bette to Tina
Jenny Is Hilariously Nuts Line of the Week: “I know they're not a couple, but they look like a couple. They're just both tall.” – Jenny about Belly (™ Scribegrrrl)
Alice Is Just Hilarious Line of the Week: “Wow, looks like a giant cat threw up, huh.” – Alice admiring the art.

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