My Weekend Crush

Fine, last one. Oh Sarah. Oh Holland. Look at those two love birds. And the casual legs up on the table. Now that’s how you sapphic at the Vanity Fair Oscars party. Smooch on, ladies. Smooch on. Happy weekend, all.

GGALGG: Oscars Edition 2

Well, the weeks keep getting away from me. But I wanted to atone for missing a few sapphics at the Oscars and Oscars parties. (Thought, again, I’m not sure we saw an identifiable lesbian besides Jane Lynch during the show, which — boooo.) But here we have two more wlw couples and one single beaver. What? She played a beaver in “Zootopia 2.” Get your head out of the gutter.

Brittany Howard & Park Kyung-lim

Brittany and Misty Copeland joining the ensemble for the stunning “I Lied to You” sequence from “Sinners” remains a true highlight of the night. Also, fuck you lil Timmy. (Again, can I mention how much I hated “Marty Supreme”?

Queen Latifah & Eboni Nichols

They look radiant. One day, I sure hope they kiss on the red carpet.

Fortune Feimster

Now that’s what I call Handsome.

Oscar GGALGG(BBTWTTO)

So, let’s just be honest, those Oscars were pretty straight. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Kinda. But I’m pretty sure the live telecast featured zero – at least by my count – live lesbians. Yeah, sure, they featured Jane Lynch in a pre-recorded joke ad for the future YouTube Academy Awards (which is a real thing, by the way, hello 2029). And, OK, fine – Barbra Streisand showed up and sang. So there’s that. But I don’t think the camera ever panned to Oscar-nominated Tig Notaro once (admittedly, I could have missed a split-second shot, but I don’t think I did.) So I will rectify that by featuring the sapphics of the red carpet. So welcome to Gay Gals Acting Like Gay Gals By Bringing Their Wives to the Oscars (GGALGGBBTWTTO, duh)

Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne

So they didn’t take home the best doc Oscar for “Come See Me In the Good Light,” but what lesbian couple wants a shiny naked man in their bedroom anyway?

Brandi Carlile & Catherine Carlile

Brandi’s suit is very Captain von Trapp and I’m into it.

Abby Wambach & Glennon Doyle

I wish Abby had a tie, but bonus points for the pins. (And, of course, the bag.)

Robby Hoffman & Gabby Windey

Girls really do just love funny little guys*. (*As a Gen Xer, I reserve the right to use guys in a non-gendered way courtesy “The Electric Company” forever)

Sarah Paulson & Holland Taylor

Fine, they aren’t married that we know about. Which, come on Sarah, put a ring on that.

Auli'i Cravalho

Fine, I had to give you at least one single lady. Not that there aren’t legions of age-appropriate wlws clamouring to wife her up.

p.s. I was rooting for “Sinners,” and all I can say about “One Battle After Another” having a big night is that I’m very happy for Maya Rudloph. Oh, and I’m happy Sean Penn didn’t want to attend.

p.p.s. I thought the show was overall pretty good, Conan landed some magnificent hits, and Amy Madigan and Ed Harris are a reminder that straights can have good marriages too.

GGALGG: Oscars Edition

So the thing about this year’s Oscars is they were very, very, veryveryveryvery straight this year. I mean, sure, Ariana Grande opened with “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” from “The Wizard of Oz” and then Cynthia Erivo followed with “Home” from “The Whiz” and they both finished with “Defying Gravity.” Ari even had a freaking ruby slipper attached to her back. Which, I mean, sure – that’s a pretty fucking gay way to start things off. But instead of staying gay, the rest of the show was pure “Kansas Rainbow” (this is a deep “Somebody Somewhere” cut – which if you recognize it let’s be real gay together).

But after that? None of the higher-profile queer nominees won (not Cynthia, not Brandi Carlile and Elton John, not Colman Domingo and definitely not Karla Sofía Gascón). The highlights for LGBTQ+ folks was out costume designer Paul Tazewell taking home the trophy for “Wicked” – making him the first Black man to win – and Queen Latifah singing “Ease On Down The Road” (was “The Whiz” the telecast’s true winner?) with Glad trash bags tied to her shoulders.

And can we talk for a moment about how neither of the two “Emilia Perez” winners mentioning the trans community even once in their acceptance speeches? Hello??? If you’re wondering why this movie wasn’t embraced by the LGBTQ+ community, uh, that’s why. When you use us as a plot device without any real intention of representing the greater community, it shows. That and it was a bad movie, period.

Honestly, there wasn’t much SGALGG to speak of from the red carpet either. Like hardly any fun shots of straight actresses trying to Sabrina Carpenter themselves with other straight actresses, so clearly queer sensibilities had a bad night. Also, can we talk about how 25-year-old Mikey Madison pulling a surprise upset for Best Actress over 62-year-old Demi Moore is the perfect postscript to “The Substance,” because yeah.

Even if the awards were very cis and very straight, I’m here to bring the GGALGG because that’s my whole and entire mission statement. Granted, most of the Queer Lady Rainbow Mafia only showed up for the after parties – which is just another sign of our good taste. Ahem.

Cynthia Erivo & Lena Waithe

Had to find a sneaky picture of Cynthia & Lena at the Oscars because they did not pose on the red carpet together and posted individual shots of themselves at the Oscars on their respective Instas. Which, hey, I get keeping your personal lives private. But it’s the Oscars, ladies. Not even one official shot together at the Gay Superbowl?

Marissa Bode & Lauren Brooks

The “Wicked” star brought her girlfriend with her throughout the movie’s award show run and happily posed together on the red carpet so I’m not saying she wins Girlfriend of the Year but she’s definitely not losing Girlfriend of the Year for lack of effort.

Brandi Carlile & Catherine Shepherd Carlile

I love them, I don’t love their abundance of bows. Like was Brandi’s suit inspired by Minnie Mouse, what is happening? Are bows the new carabiners? Explain, universe. Explain.

Queen Latifah & Eboni Nichols

Did a Catholic middle school dance chaperone get to them and say they needed to leave space for the Holy Ghost or what?

Niecy Nash-Betts & Jackie Betts

Thank Sappho for Niecy and Jackie, a queer couple that always looks great together and will give us the Gay Superbowl photos we deserve.

Oprah & Whoopi Goldberg

Fine, while neither is truly family, I think we can all just agree they look like the most stylish couple at Senior Prom Night at their high-end 55+ community.

Laverne Cox & Hari Nef

More trans representation in one photo than the entire production of “Emilia Perez.” Enough said.

Sarah Paulson & Hannah Einbinder

It’s like spare body parts from The Substance and a fashion-forward Dalek from Doctor Who showed up as each other’s dates.

Chappell Roan & Elton John

We have reached Maximum Gay. Any more Gay and we may risk Nuclear Rainbow Overload.

Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter

The only straight couple I will include because after seeing Melanie in this Jessica Rabbit getup, every lesbian has reaffirmed her spot on their “Celebrity I So Would” lists. And Jason is just adorable, even though he will fight every single last one of us for lusting after his wife.

Renee Rapp

Speaking of Jessica Rabbit, I’m glad to see Renee embracing her inner – or should I say outer – Jessica as well.

Clea DuVall

Again, this is exactly how I would show up at award shows were I ever to be invited to award shows – or in this case, award show after parties.

Katy M. O’Brian

I love that these are actually pants. Oh you didn’t notice the pants because of the muscles? Yeah, you’re gay.

Film Review: Emilia Pérez

Right, so what does it say about “Emilia Pérez” that I actually stopped watching right as the lesbian storyline started? Granted, I restarted and eventually finished it because I feel some sort of stupid sacred queer duty to watch all queer Oscar nominees. But, damn, you didn’t make it easy, film.

First things first, the premise of “Emilia Pérez” is like a mezcal-induced game of Mad Libs. What if a ruthless Mexican drug cartel boss was actually a trans woman who after gender affirming care then becomes the savior to the downtrodden people of Mexico that she had formerly murdered with impunity but then reveals herself to still be the abusive monster she was before transition only to wind up a kidnapping caper. And make it a musical. And don’t actually film most of it in Mexico. Or have that many Mexican actors at all. And instead let’s have this French guy who didn’t do any research about Mexico direct it instead. And did we mention Zoe Saldana and Selena Gomez are in it for some reason too? And it’s all in Spanish? And the one English-language song has the actual real not fake lyrics: “Hello, very nice to meet you/I'd like to know about sex change operation/I see, I see, I see/Man to woman or woman to man/Man to woman/From penis to vagina.”

Right, so, besides being reductive and convoluted and some French dude’s fever dream about trans existence, it’s also kind of boring. I really wasn’t kidding when I called it a night (before returning to it a couple days later) when Emilia and her new girlfriends met – to give us a wafer-thin lesbian storyline. That’s how uninvested in this film I felt. Mostly, while I believe it’s probably well intentioned on most of the participants' part, “Emilia Pérez” instead plays exactly like a cis-het person made it.

Its current Oscar run (snagging the most with a staggering 13 nominations – like have they actually watched all 2 hours and12 minutes – because I begrudgingly did) reminds me very much of another film some two decades ago – “Crash.” That film, hailed at the time as an important look at race relations by cis-het white Canadian filmmaker Paul Haggis, went on to beat “Brokeback Mountain” for best picture in 2004. Funny how now, more than 20 years later, nobody even mentions “Crash” as a culturally significant film. Funny how that works.

Anyway, I don’t know what movie is gonna take home the shiny naked man this year. I’m sure if “Emilia Pérez” wins lots of cis-het rich white guys in Hollywood will pat themselves on the back for being so inclusive. But what I’d rather see is the work made by and for queer and trans people be acknowledged with this much fanfare and award season love. Seriously, Academy, 13 nominations for this mess yet “I Saw the TV Glow” was right fucking there the whole time. THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME. Anyway, I finally finished “Emilia Pérez,” and that’s all I have to say about that*.

*OK, one more thing, while I applaud the historic nature of Spanish star Karla Sofía Gascón’s nomination, I absolutely do not applaud her past posts Muslims, BLM and the Oscars inclusivity. Anyway, did I mention that “I Saw the TV Glow” was there the whole time instead? Because it didn’t have to be like this, Academy.

Oscars SGALGG & GGALGG

How about them Oscars? I thought they were…fine. Truly, really fine. There were some nice moments. I enjoyed the past winners introducing each of the acting nominees. I liked Ken. I love love LOVED seeing Jodie Foster and her wife Alexandra Hedison attending their first Oscars together. But first, we start with the Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gays, per ritual.

Annette Bening, Emma Stone & Lily Gladstone

Best Actress Cuddle Puddle

Regina King & Danielle Brooks

Shooting your shot on the red carpet.

Jamie Lee Curtis & Lupita Nyong'o

I included this photo because omfg Lupita’s back muscles.

Florence Pugh

I included this photo because omfg Flo’s everything.

Kerry Washington & Sandra Oh

If Kerry wanted to become an international assassin who falls in love/obsession with Sandra, I would watch that – but tell them to stay away from boat decks.

Emma Stone & Jennifer Lawrence & Sally Fields

Emma went May-December on her backstage makeouts.

America Ferrera & Gay Gals

I would watch an alternate universe Barbie where America’s Gloria runs off with Kate McKinnon’s Weird Barbie.

I would also watch an alternate universe Barbie where America was Barbie and Billie Eilish was Ken.

I would watch America, Lena Waithe and Cynthia Erivo read the phone book, among other things.

And the Best Lesbian Oscars Photo Goes To

Jodie and her wife Alexandra and Brandi Carlile & her wife Catherine Shepherd together at the Oscars after parties. Sometimes, it really does get better.

Music Monday: Kenough Oscars

Ryan Gosling and the cast of "Barbie" perform "I'm Just Ken" at the #Oscars. https://t.co/UNgGySGz3r pic.twitter.com/00hd0Jw8cy

— Variety (@Variety) March 11, 2024

Look, as a lesbian it pains me to say this, but those Oscars could have done with a lot more Ken. Last night’s show was fine. I liked the smorgasbord of Oscar winners saluting Oscar nominees. But all the frontrunners won. And, again, they let a dude steal the show. But at least it was a dude who did a gender-flipped homage to Marilyn Monroe in “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.” Who also got some of the most talented women in the room to karaoke with him. So, you know, there’s that. Happy Monday, kittens.

p.s. Don’t worry, I’ve now had Kenough and will have more Oscar thoughts for you tomorrow.

Everything Oscars All At Once

I’ll admit, somewhere toward the middle of the more than three-and-a-half affair when the German War Movie was picking up technical award after technical award, I started to worry. But Everything Everywhere was All At Once Oscars. Asian Excellence for the win! And the show went off without a single case of on-stage millionaire-on-millionaire violence. So, uh, progress?

While I thought the telecast was overall a tad dull and none of the bits landed with much more than a sensible chuckle (well, other than when Hugh Grant — who had previously given one of the most intentionally caddish red carpet interviews I’ve ever seen— rightfully compared his face to a scrotum), I was generally pretty pleased with the winners. Michelle Yeoh! Ke Huy Quan! The Daniels! Yes, I was rooting for Angela Bassett to do the thing (or perhaps for Stephanie Hsu to pull off the dark bagel upset). Yes, I’m happy for Brendan Fraser even though “The Whale” ain’t it. And what did I tell you about Sarah Polley? (She also happened to be one of the only notable female stars at the Oscars in a tuxedo, so a grateful Lesbian Nation thanks her for her service.)

Other than that, the blah beige “champagne” carpet set the style tone. Given that I watch this show every year in sweatpants and a hoodie, I really don’t have anything substantive to say other than these folks sure are nice to look at. So here are the rest of my extremely queer observations from Hollywood’s biggest night. The Good, the Gay and the SGALGG from this year’s Academy Awards.

Angela Bassett & Michelle Yeoh

This is the moment that made the AP go Horny on Main.

And, honestly, can you blame them? Because *low whistle*

Cate Blanchett

Cate recycling her luxury hotel curtains to make an elegant drapey top for the Oscars feels like the ultimate admission that she was rooting for Michelle this whole time too.

Stephanie Hsu & Everyone Everywhere All At Once

getting hit on by Florence Pugh

getting armtime with Angela

making the edibles kick in with David Byrne

and finally getting a (loving) talking to from Mother Evelyn

Florence Pugh & Her Bed Sheets

I like Flo a lot. And I too would prefer to show up at formal events in my fitted sheet and shorts with pockets.

You also have to give her bonus points for changing into her duvet for the after party. Extra double bonus points for hitting on Daughter/Stephanie and Mother/Michelle in the same night, too.

Sarah Polley

Honestly, I would wear exactly the same thing if I ever went to the Oscars. So the Relatability Queen wins again.

Jessica Chastain

The only celebrity to wear a mask all evening.

Also, she got to hold hands with Halle Berry and hug Michelle Yeoh so who is the real winner here?

The Female Torso

If the blah carpet’s signature color was bridal white, the Vanity Fair afterparty’s theme was Gray’s Anatomy. Cause you got an anatomy lesson from all the exposed rib cages, upper abs, lower abs and bra-like offerings on display at the after parties.

And now, onto the GGALGG:

Ariane DeBose & someone’s upset husband

Janelle Monae & someone who isn’t Tessa Thompson

Tessa Thompson & Flo & the Duvet Cover

Cara Delevingne & Jamie Lee Curtis

Rebel Wilson & fiancée Ramona Agruma

Sarah Paulson & Queen Latifah

Don’t worry, Dana actually brought Eboni Nichols as her date.

Olivia Wilde, Sarah, Tracee Ellis Ross, Holland Taylor, The Queen

I don’t even know how to describe this other than some kind of Lesbian Moonie Wedding Ceremony.

Sharon Stone, Sarah, Holland, Sienna Miller & Patricia Clarkson

And then this is, obviously, the reception where they’re recruiting for more Queer Sister Wives, duh.

Still, I think the best moment from the whole night was Halle Berry, the first woman of color to ever win a Best Actress Oscar, handing the first Asian woman and second woman of color ever to win her Oscar. That and Michelle, Halle and Jessica walking off like this. Women. I sure do like us.