Throwback Tilda Thursday

While absentmindedly flipping through my feed recently, I came across a vintage photo of Tilda Swinton from the 90s. Which, of course, got me thinking about her 90s gender-queer masterpieces “Orlando” and “Female Perversions.” While aggressively chauvinistic pseudo-sexual thrillers (for some reason mostly starring Michael Douglas) were all the rage at the mainstream box office, Tilda was blowing my little gay socks off with a female-gaze/verging on nonbinary vision of sexuality that defied easy definition. Also, both films are examples of using queer themes for genuine exploration, and not just titillation. (Ahem, Anne and Dakota, ahem.)

Now I haven’t watched either movie in a good decade, if not much longer. And, naturally, neither appear readily available on major streamers. So I’ll have to go off memory. But I just remember feeling so engrossed and so awed by both movies. I’m sure there are things in these 30+-year old films that don’t hold up. But the intoxicating rush of unexpected sexuality, well, that will stay with me forever. Also, hot damn, I forgot how stacked the cast of “Female Perversions” was in particular. Tilda (Oscar winner), Amy Madigan (Oscar winner), Frances Fisher, Paulina Porizkova, Marcia Cross. I think, as I continue to rummage thrift store DVD racks in search of physical media we can own and keep (because, truly, fuck subscriptions and never owning anything outright), I will add both movies to my “Must Find” list. Until then, here’s a little reminder. Yeah, 90s Tilda could get it (2026 Tilda too, but she’s been in a long-term relationship for a while so, you know, respect).

The Women Next Door

Granted, I would watch almost any movie filled with slow, lingering shots of Julianne Moore and Tilda Swinton’s exquisite cheekbones. But when it’s a Pedro Alodóvar movie filled with slow, lingering shots of Julianne and Tilda’s exquisite cheekbones, well – say less, as the kids today say. This is also Alodóvar’s first English-language feature. Though anyone familiar with his work knows he is famous for centering women’s internal lives (sometimes, extremely internal – like Vagninal Tours internal). So I’m extremely curious where “The Room Next Door” will take its characters, former colleagues who worked at a magazine together years ago but have since gone their separate ways. Tilda’s Martha is a war correspondent and, if the contextual clues of the trailer are correct, appears to be ill. Julianne’s Ingrid is now a novelist and, if the contextual clues of the trailer are correct, appears to be helping Martha with her illness. There isn’t much more out there about the plot, but the film is based on the novel “What Are You Going Through” by Sigrid Nunez, so if anyone’s read it give us the heads up. As always, my first question will be does anything gay happen. I guess we shall see. Until then, we can dream.

Mask Up, Ladies

Never mind women in tank tops. These days, women properly wearing face masks in public is my new sexuality. After seeing how amazing Cate Blanchett looks in a face mask to prevent the spread of coronavirus, I thought I’d share the love. Because, and I cannot stress this point enough, all women look amazing in face masks. Why? Well, wearing a face mask means 1) you believe in science, 2) you care about other people, and 3) you aren’t an enormous asshole – at least not on the issue of spreading a potentially deadly and debilitating highly communicable respiratory illness.

I know, it seems absolutely insane that six months into a global pandemic we still have to try (largely in vain) to get more people to wear face masks. Like they’re mandated in my state (as they should be across the county) yet compliance is still hit-and-miss. But the very same people screaming about their “FREEDOMS!” are the people who keep telling Black Americans they won’t get shot by police if only they comply. But ask them to comply by putting a piece of cloth over their big, stupid mouth and nose to keep those around them healthy and you’d think we rolled the Constitution into a blunt and started smoking it in front of their faces.

Anyway. Long story short, be like Charlize, wear a damn mask. And, while you’re at it, wash your hands and fill out your Census.

Charlize Theron

I have every confidence if Charlize/Furiosa/Andy ran across you not wearing a mask, they would 100 percent kick your ass.

Janelle Monae

Giving out food to those in need and accessorizing with a hat. She can do it all.

Tilda Swinton

Masks, for humans and space aliens.

Jennifer Lopez

Ageless, flawless, but definitely not maskless. Bonus points for the tank top on a Tuesday, too.

Lady Gaga

Honestly not sure if this mask is medically sound, but it sure is hard to miss.

Naomi Osaka

Wearing the names of Black women and men killed by police on your way to winning her second U.S. Open championish is, what the kids today call, a whole mood. A very, very good mood.

Chrissy Teigen

A mask plus three pizzas? Who says the perfect human being does not exist?

Hillary Clinton

We probably wouldn’t even still have to be wearing masks if the stupid Electoral College didn’t exist.

Kamala Harris

A mask, a blazer and some Chucks. Now that’s my Vice President Straight Bette Porter.

I Wanna Hold Your Hand

In her new Harper's Bazaar cover story, Kristen Stewart revealed she has been told by Hollywood folks that, “If you just like do yourself a favour, and don’t go out holding your girlfriend’s hand in public, you might get a Marvel movie.”

What you just heard there was a sharp intake of breath from every queer woman everywhere. As much as we are grateful for the progress the LGBTQ community has made in terms of acceptance and openness, we still have so far to go – obviously. As far as mainstream entertainers go, it is telling that Ellen DeGeneres (who came out 22 years ago) and Kristen Stewart (who was 7 when Ellen came out) are probably our most famous out lesbian, bi and/or queer women celebrities.

Sure, there are a ton more out celebs than in the old days, like The Other Ellen and Cara and Sarah and Janelle and Ruby and Samira and the good news is I could go on. But if you think about which of those women came out at the very start of their careers, versus after they’ve become famous, well, that list shrinks. And, in terms of our superstars, the truth is there should be more.

But the reason there aren’t more is thinking like that Hollywood goon who dangled a “Marvel movie” in front of K-Stew if only she’d quit with the icky hand holding. The double standard remains that for an actress to really break out really big she that must be seen as straight and desirable, especially to all the drooling fanboy contingent. Gotta make that green, right?

So, in dishonor of that outmoded and money-at-all-costs kind of thinking, here are a slew of straight (and some not-so-straight) actresses who have proudly held hands with women and yet, somehow, have still managed to land themselves in Marvel Cinematic Universe movies. A chronological list from when they appeared in their first “Marvel movie.”

Gwyneth Paltrow

Somehow, the “Iron Man” star has managed to star in seven, yes Se7en, MCU movies despite flaunting her hand love with Nicole Kidman.

Natalie Portman

Not only did Natalie star in two “Thor” movies, she is going to be a new female “Thor” in a new film. And all this despite holding hands with Nicole Kidman. Though, to be fair, after openly holding hands with two Marvel ladies Nicole has only managed to land one (really, really bad – man is “Aquaman” bad) D.C. movie.

Hayley Atwell

The “Captain America” star is shown brazenly holding hands with Sally Hawkins, who has not been in a Marvel movie but did get to make out with a fish. So, win-win?

Cobie Smulders

The stoic “Avengers” star got all handy while promoting an indie film at the Sundance Film Festival a few years back. But, you know, it was an indie movie, maybe nobody noticed.

Karen Gillan

The “Guardians of the Galaxy” star is British, so many that’s why clasping hands with new late night talk show host Lilly Singh doesn’t really count, right?

Evangeline Lilly

Maybe she thought being in “Antman” would make her hands so small no one would see this.

Tilda Swinton

I mean, everyone knows Tilda is an alien from another galaxy. So this gratuitous hand holding with Charlize Theron (because aliens have good taste) had no impact on her “Doctor Strange” role, obviously.

Marisa Tomei

Well, she is playing Aunt May in “Spider-Man,” so despite the character wildly Benjamin Buttoning throughout the “Spider-Man” movies/reboots, she is still an aunt. So, that means she’s well past fuckable age anyway so hold hands all you want, “old” lady.

Tessa Thompson

Look, we know the “Thor: Ragnarok” star likes to wear Pussy Pants with a certain lady. But this obviously doesn’t count because Evan Rachel Wood is a robot, duh.

Lupita Nyong'o & Danai Gurira

Two of the stars of “Black Panther” holding hands with each other? Does that mean they cancel out? I was never good at math.

Brie Larson

The “Captain Marvel” actress got to be the titular star of her very own superhero movie and she repays the studio by unapologetically holding hands with her stunt double Joanna Bennett. The nerve!

In the end, K-Stew just needs to channel the power of Cate Blanchett who got to star in a Marvel movie, loves holding hands with ladies, happily and swoonily plays gay in movies, and has won two damn Oscars.



p.s. Given her recent comments on believing Woody Allen and being more than happy to work with him again, no one really wants to hold Scarlett Johansson’s hand anymore.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Timeless Edition

I forgot to post this photo of Greta Gerwig and Tilda Swington holding hands on the red carpet during award season. I rediscovered it in my “To Do” cache of saved photos the other day. And I felt it wrong, on a cellular level, to keep it from you now – even though it is terribly belated. Because a dapped Victoria lady and her swell Victorian lady companion are a treat to see anytime.

We Welcome Our New Alien Overlords

Dear Intergalactic Neighbors:

Yoo-hoo! Hello. Down here. Look, I realize Earth might not be the most appealing prospect right now. Humankind has, once again, gone and made a self-inflicted mess of things. Turns out we’re stunning bad at this whole being in charge of the planet stuff. We keep doing dumb, ridiculous, horrible things to ourselves – and on purpose.

But, here’s the thing, if there was ever a time for benevolent beings from another world to come visit – now would be the time. It’s clear we’re not fit to drive this bus. So if you feel like taking the keys away, we will understand. Really, it’s for our own good. Take us to your leader, she/he/it/them/Zod has to be better than what we have coming.

The time is ripe to active some of your deep operatives living among us. I promise, we will not resist. Yes, I have my strong suspicions about who some of them are (not naming names, but cough Tilda, cough). You have assimilated well. Perhaps you’ve even grown a little fond of us and our quaint provincial mannerisms. I get it, some of us are kinda cute, in spite of ourselves. Still I know deep down you must be continually appalled by our seemingly arbitrary squabbles and seemingly endless capacity for cruelty.



Granted, some of you clearly saw this whole catastrophe coming, since you called so many of your undercover agents back earlier this year before it could all go to hell. You know – David Bowie, Prince, Alan Rickman.

I’d be angry and shake my fist at the inky black sky for leaving us all alone here, if I didn’t envy your ability to slip the surly bonds of Earth and escape this madness.

Right, so as I was saying, we’re more than ready for our new alien overlords. And, if you would rather not be responsible for all of us on this crazy blue marble (your silence so far clearly indicates our continual status as uninvited guest to the universal block party), we would at least love some serious guidance. So come on down. Though, if you want this handover to go smoothly with as little collateral damage as possible, I suggest you get here before that rotting hate pumpkin gets the nuclear codes. He will, undoubtedly, launch them at you and anyone else who insults him on Twitter. And there’s no much use coming to rescue a bunch of vapor and dust.

Well, thanks for at least listening. You may decide we’re hopeless – many have already. But if you can see it in your heart – or whatever organ/organs govern your sense of goodwill and mercy – please save us form ourselves. We don’t deserve it, but goodness do we need it.

Yours,
The People of Earth
(Well, at least 47.8% of us Americans - and counting)

p.s. We understand there will probably be probing. We only ask we get to pick our probers.

Gender Fuck Thursday

Ugh, you guys. Republican Convention week is always such a struggle to get through. It’s a reminder that there is a huge, vocal and angry swath of society that still really, really doesn’t like us. They don’t like gay people. They don’t like brown people. They don’t like women. They really, really don’t like Hillary Clinton. They also don’t seem to like facts or original material. It’s terribly disheartening, to be honest. So tonight, instead of watching yet another rich, mediocre white man in a suit accept his party’s nomination for president, please enjoy all these glorious suits on a diverse group of women – and one exquisite space alien. What? How else do you describe Tilda Swinton?

Janelle Monae

It should be illegal for her to wear something other than a suit.

Kate Bosworth

Cannot look away.

Maggie Smith

Dowager Countess got swagger, yo.

Ming-Na Wen

If you tell me “Agents of SHIELD” is just Ming-Na kicking ass in a suit I will start watching again.

Lupita Nyong’o

Who wore it…

Viola Davis

…better?
Forget that, I’m convinced this is the same suit and they stole it from each other after spending the night.

Milla Jovovich

I had the craziest urge to watch “The Fifth Element” again recently.

Charlotte Rampling

Yep, yes – everything about this. Yes.

Queen Latifah

Also yes to everything about this.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

I’d vote for that.

Tilda Swinton

From space alien to Bowie doppelganger, get you a Swinton who can do both.

Vacation Vixen: Tilda Swinton

I feel like it’s been ages since I’ve posted La Swinton. A thousand apologies, please allow me to hurl myself into the endless abyss of mist and fog that rise from the tears that have been planted by her absence. (What? That is how I imagine Tilda apologizes.)

All Tilda, All the Time

Moving is weird. It can also be upsetting, stressful and wonderful – if you like where you’re going. And now that it’s over you can be assured of two things. 1) I will finally shut up about moving (can I get a hallelujah?), and 2) I enjoy the weirdness of life (especially when presented to you packed neatly away in boxes) even more. So what better way to celebrate the end of a move with the wonderful weirdness that is Tilda Swinton. I know from the second the lights went up in the darkened theater at the end of “Orlando,” that I had witnessed the birth of a strange and magical creature I hoped would continue to delight me for the rest of my days. So far so good.

Meet me in the lobby

Sometimes I find Wes Anderson films too twee. And sometimes I find them just the right amount of twee. From what I’ve seen of the new trailer for “The Grand Budapest Hotel,” I have high hopes for the latter. Lush colors, quirky characters, zany storylines and Tilda Swinton as a recently deceased amorous elderly heiress. Checking in? Yes, please.

Short Cuts

Hey, did you hear Beyoncé got a haircut? Of course you did. It was the STOP THE PRESSES news from last week, dammit. I for one applaud each woman who decides it’s time for an alternative lifestyle haircut. I don’t have the face for it, too round like a pumpkin. But I sure do appreciate others who can make it work. And, interestingly, so many are making it work as blondes. Do they have even more fun the shorter they go? For each straight lady who successfully goes Ellen with her locks, one bad lesbian hair joke gets forever laid to rest. Just don’t screw it up by brining back the mullet, fashion. You’ve already brought back high-waisted jean shorts and fanny packs. We can’t survive another era of business in the front, party in the back.

Some short hair, do care looks to enjoy along with Queen Bey’s.

Beyoncé

I can’t wait to see this styled and paired with a tuxedo jacket.

Charlize Theron

Marrying this haircut is now legal in 13 states and the District of Columbia.

Cate Blanchett

I’m kind of excited for “Blue Jasmine,” Woody Allen notwithstanding.

Carey Mulligan

I kind of think she should never have long hair.

Anne Hathaway

I don’t hate her blonde pompadour. I really didn’t.

Miley Cyrus

I really, really don’t hate her blonde pompadour. Really.

Pink

Blonde Pompadour + Visible Obliques = Nothing to Hate Here.

Tilda Swinton

Please, you knew she’d be on this list.