Music Monday: The Story

Since I’m humming Brandi Carlile tunes anyway today, and I went down a lesbians on TV rabbit hole thanks to Willow and Tara, how about the perfect musical combo this Monday. Remember when Arizona proposed to Callie on the way to a weekend getaway and then they were in a terrible car crash which left Callie in a coma which she sang herself out of through the healing power of the lesbian singer-songwriter’s power ballad? And it was an entire musical episode? Yeah, that aired 15 years ago this month. Happy Monday, all.

Lip locked

You know who I don’t write about enough? Callie and Arizona. Part of this is because – and I’ve admitted this before – I simply do not watch “Grey’s Anatomy.” But, I do catch up occasionally on all that is cooking in Calzona country. Like, for instance, I know that in the season finale Arizona was [spoilers, duh] injured in the plane crash and nowhere near out of the metaphorical or literal woods. But here’s what I’ve always appreciated about this coupling. They’re adults. Sure, they make mistakes and make bad choices and make babies with best friends. But they’re definitely adults. And they’re also two gay women in a committed relationship who show affection and profess their love out loud. And on TV, sadly, that’s still rare. So this being the beginning of Pride Week in corner of the country, who better to kick it off than a super sexy gay lady couple from our television. Oh, and they kiss, heavens do they kiss. So as a mea culpa for not enjoying the deliciousness of Calzona enough, please enjoy 8 minutes and 46 seconds of them kissing. Suck on that, Ryan Murphy.

Naked Lady Monday

Hey, only 20 shopping days left until Christmas. But don’t let the crass consumerism of what should be a season of reflection and thanks get you down. Because there are still joys to be had that cost nothing. Well, next to nothing. OK, in real life this sort of thing would take at least dinner first. Possibly several dinners. Some sparkling conversation. Plenty of wine. And, you know, a fantastic personality. I mean Michelle Rodriguez doesn’t strip down to her birthday suit and cover herself in what appears to be tar for just any old lug. But, for you today, it’s totally free. Nothing says happy holidays like a bunch of naked ladies, amirite? Holly jolly, indeed.

Monica BellucciI’m not sure how she tears herself away from the mirror each morning. I mean, the view – Jesus, the view.

Carla GuginoThat “Spy Kids” is what most of Americans know her from is a tragedy of epic proportions.

Lady GagaI still haven’t figured out if this picture turns me on or frightens me. Either way, I’m going to keep looking until I figure it out.

Sara RamirezSometimes I can’t decide if I’m more jealous of Jessica Capshaw* because she gets to kiss Sara Ramirez…

Jessica Capshaw…or Sara Ramirez for getting to kiss Jessica Capshaw

Angie HarmonI am attracted to Angie Harmon because of her voice. I am attracted to Angie Harmon because of her voice. I am attracted to Angie Harmon because of her voice. I am attracted to Angie Harmon because of her… Wait, what were we talking about?

p.s. Don’t forget to catch the Rizzoli & Isles Subtext Recaps Wednesdays on AfterEllen.

*Total brain fart on the Jennifer/Jessica thing. So many ladies, so many names, one little brain to remember them all. Apologies.

Tank Top Tuesday

You know what’s nice to wear when sailing on a ship? Tank tops. You know what’s nice to see when talking about lesbian “ships?” Tank tops. Life has this beautiful symmetry to it sometimes. Today, in honor of some of our favorite gay lady relationships on TV (maintext, subtext & just the voices in our head varieties), how about a little friendly couple competition? Which pair wears it best? And, to get even more cutthroat, which partner in each pairing wears it best? Total lezzer tank top supremacy awaits, ladies. Choose wisely.

Naya RiveraStill No. 1 in our hearts, minds and pants.

Heather MorrisStill No. 1 in Santana’s heart, mind and pants.

Anna SilkIf you haven’t watched “Lost Girl,” I actually pity you.

Zoie PalmerDr. Hot Pants should always pair them with a tightly fitted tank. Always.

Sara RamirezTank scrubs, think about it Seattle Grace.

Jessica CapshawReally, really think about it Seattle Grace.

Lily LovelessLily, a pint and that smirk – it’s all a growing girl needs to survive.

Kat PrescottThough, of course, a daily supplement of Kat couldn’t hurt either.

Lea MicheleNow this is entirely different kind of “bait girl” look. I approve.

Dianna AgronWearing a tank top is basically the same thing as wearing a “Likes Girls” T-shirt, no?

Angie HarmonThis season on “Rizzoli & Isles,” in addition to wanting more eye sex we should all demand more tank tops.

Sasha AlexanderIsles being a Rizzoli is both confusing and hot. So. Fucking. Hot.

Man, life is just one tough decision after another.

That blessed arrangement

I’ll admit it. I like weddings. I like the idea of standing up in front of the people who matter most in your life and pledging a lifetime of love and commitment to one person. I’m a not-so-secret sap in that way. I also like the open bar and inevitable vat of meatballs in the buffet.

I’m somewhat more ambivalent about having a wedding myself. I’m not diametrically opposed to marriage, and I am absolutely adamant that we should have the legal right to get married. But I’m just not sure if I’ll ever do it myself. I came from a two-parent home where my mom and dad were happily married until the day he died six years ago. So it’s not like I am wary of the institution. I was just never the kid who dreamed about her wedding day. And you know I wasn’t dreaming about the big white dress. (White suit? Maybe.)

But liking weddings and wanting to get married are kind of different things, if you really think about it. Which is why I also like wedding scenes. And movies and TV are really good at wedding scenes. Like, really good. So I’m pretty excited about seeing the Callie and Arizona wedding this Thursday on “Grey’s Anatomy.” I’m excited on a number of levels. One, I like them as a couple (even if I don’t really like their show). Two, I already know they look beautiful in their dresses (seriously, get a load of those dresses – spoilers).

But more importantly, lesbian weddings don’t happen every day on TV. “The Simpsons,” when gay marriage became a Springfield industry. “All My Children,” I think – I don’t watch soaps. And that episode of “Friends” with the crazy hats. So, yeah, we’re due.

It matters seeing our lives reflected back to us with the full range of possibilities. Married, dating. Parents, single. Just like everyone else, we deserve the choices. Too often we’re just background decoration or token friend. Even if I may not necessarily dream about walking down the aisle, some little girl somewhere does. She deserves to see a beautiful bride look over at her beautiful bride on primetime television. So bring on the happily ever after for a change – especially since that ever after won’t be the end of the story.

And, if there’s anything I learned from accidentally staying up and watching the entire royal wedding last week, it’s that as happy as you are for the happy couple, there’s always the possibility that a Hot Sister will show up out of the blue and make you even happier. Like I said, I like weddings – a lot.

My Weekend Crush

I can say when I’m wrong. I’m a big girl. I make mistakes. I misjudge. I prejudge. I can have judgey issues. But when I’m wrong, I’m wrong and I’ll happily call myself on it. And I was wrong about Jessica Capshaw on “Grey’s Anatomy.” Not that I was against her as a person, per se, but I was against the idea of her as a replacement for the dearly departed into The Parking Lot of No Return Brooke Smith. That sort of inconsistent, out-of-nowhere narrative always drives me nuts. At the time it felt like the all-too familiar upgrade to a younger, hotter model. But time has a way of doing its thing with wounds. And Jessica, well, she has been impossible to dislike on “Grey’s.”

I still don’t really watch “Grey’s.” I’ve cut medical dramas (yes, you too, “House) out of my repertoire this year and so I only keep track in occasional late-night YouTube Calzona binges. But I know that they’re good together, and I know that’s a credit to Jessica. What came across as youthful eagerness in her role as poor T&A Nadia on “The L Word” has evolved into mature confidence as Arizona on “Grey’s.” Her Arizona is tough yet tender, secure yet sexy. While I normally loathe to use the word perky, she is a charming perky. She and Callie fit, they make sense (unlike their crazy airport breakup, but that’s a whole other story). So whenever that big smile breaks out over Jessica’s heart-shaped face, well, I’ve never felt better about being wrong about something in my life. She is a good man in a storm, that one. Happy weekend, all.

Kiss and make it better

I had a hell of a weekend. And, to be honest, I’m still recuperating a bit. But there’s one thing that always makes me feel better: Watching girls kissing. So instead of going to bed at a reasonable hour, like I had planned, to try and wake up refreshed and ready for the work week I spent hours engaged in perhaps the biggest time suck known to the universe: Searching for clips of girls kissing on YouTube. And because I’m not greedy, I’m passing my finds on to you. A few of the best TV kisses, just to brighten your Monday.

Callie & Arizona, Grey’s Anatomy

And the trend of lesbian bathroom kisses continues.

Dana & Lara, The L Word

Kisses against lockers…

Naomi & Emily, Skins

…are fucking hot.

Thelma & Cassie, Hex

So, fine, this was just a dream. A very, very good dream.

Alex & Jessica, Mistresses

I know this post is about kisses, but the hottest thing in this clip is the way Anna Torv unbuttons her shirt. There is something tremendously sexy about how she uses her hands, ahem.

p.s. Is it just me, or have the English just had better lesbian kisses on TV? Must be the accents.

Trench Coat Tuesday

So, clearly, it’s a Tuesday. And, yes, Tuesdays are for tank tops. But sometimes a gal needs to mix things up a bit. I figure other articles of clothing should be allowed to stop by every now and then for a visit. Like a timeshare of hotness. So today, the humble tank top makes way for the elegant trench coat. The iconic piece of clothing is as practical as it is promising. That great promise, of course, is simple: That there will be only smooth skin and sin waiting underneath. For example, on Naomi Watts the trench says both a) I’m wearing a jacket in case things get nippy on our car ride and b) I’m wearing nothing underneath to ensure things get nipply after our ride. See, change can be good, or bad – in the someone has been a very, very bad girl sense.

Emily DeschanelMy what nice, um, “Bones” structure you have. I know – groan.

Mariska HargitayIf you get flashed by a cop, who do you call? If it’s Mariska, everyone.

Kate WinsletCold outside, hot everywhere else.

Anna Torv

Just ignore Joshua Jackson, I do on “Fringe” anyway.

Megan FoxEver since she got canned from “Transformers 3,” I’ve liked her a lot more. A lot.

Jessica CapshawDear Shonda Rhimes: Next year, please consider incorporating a trench coat into next season’s mandatory Calzona make-up sex scenes. Just a thought.

Jodie Foster

See, you’ve forgotten all about dumb old tank tops already.

Greetings from Arizona

[SPOILERS! Grey's Anatomy Spoilers! Skedaddle, STAT if you don't want to know what happens at Seattle Grace tonight.]

So, do you remember how “Grey's Anatomy” made our little lesbian dreams vanish into the parking lot of no return? And do you remember when, despite rumors that ABC executives did not like the “explicit nature” of Callie and Erica's relationship, show creator Shonda Rhimes insisted Brooke Smith was not fired for playing a lesbian and that she believed it “belittles the relationship to simply replace Erica with 'another lesbian'?” And then remember how almost exactly a month later news broke that, never mind, she had indeed simply replaced Erica with another lesbian – just a younger and (by conventional straight male standards) hotter lesbian?

Well, Grey's attempt to short circuit your short term memory comes to fruition in the form of Dr. Arizona Robbins tonight. Despite being one of the dumbest character names possibly ever (what, New Mexico Häagen-Dazs was unavailable?), Jessica Capshaw (that's Nadia to you and Bette) seems like a cheerful presence on Grey's. Given her striking resemblance to Brooke, producers have gone out of their way to make Arizona the anti-Erica. She is smiley. She is chipper She is friendly.

And when I say friendly, I mean friendly. As in, I-wish-girls-would-be-this-friendly-to-me-when-introducing-themselves friendly. But let me back up. As reported earlier, tonight's episode features “girl-on-girl action” (their words, not mine). Having seen the episode, I can say there is a some action, and it's definitely girl-on-girl. But far from being salacious it's actually rather sweet.

First, you only need to tune into the very last five minutes of the show to see everything. Second, it only lasts about a minute and a half. So, right there, I've freed up 58 minutes of your night.

Callie is upset because she is celibate. I think she's upset because her bangs are ridiculous. Seriously, why would you cover up those eyebrows? Those eyebrows are sex on stilts. But I digress. Anyway, Callie is drowning her sexless sorrows at the bar. Grey's lil' sis comes up and starts talking about her love for Sloan. Callie can't take it. I can't take it. So she goes to the bathroom.

Arizona happens to be at the bar, too, and we notice her notice the departure for a split-second. Yadda yadda, Grey voiceover, yadda. The bathroom door opens and Arizona enters. Callie is at the sink ironically wiping away her wet tears about her dry spell. Arizona introduces herself and tells Callie that people at the hospital talk, so she she knows things about her. Callie realizes that “things” means “The Gay” and spits out, “Terrific.” Arizona is unfamiliar with sarcasm and exclaims that it is terrific, and proceeds to say how “people” really like her and how “people” are interested in her and how some “people” really like her.

Arizona tells her that when she is done being upset, “people” will be lining up for her. Since her flirting density shield is obviously activated, Callie doesn't pick up that “people” is actually one person. Instead she gives one of those deliciously deep laughs and implores, “You want to give me some names?” To which Arizona gives her the patented “Me, dumbass” look and then this happens.

She answers “I think you'll know” and leaves with a cute smile.

And Callie is left bewildered with her own cute smile.

Fuck, am I going to have to start watching this show again?

Given that this is the only episode I've seen since Erica walked off into the asphalt and this whole show tends to annoy me (The whiny, it burns!), it's a ridiculously tough sell.

On the one hand I love Sara and would watch her kiss a forklift if I had to (not that I want to; this isn't a weird forklift fetish...shit, here come the crazy Google searches). But on the other hand I'm mad as hell and not going to take it anymore about broadcast TV's treatment of lesbian and bisexual characters this season. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the dumbass who just got fooled twice.

Ultimately the dishonorable way Grey's disposed of Callica means no matter what delectable offerings Calzona (you know, because of the possibility of cheese) has in store, it will forever be tainted. Bitter is one of those taste that lingers, no matter how many sweets you try to wash it away.

Same story, different lesbian

Everything about “Grey’s Anatomy” makes me want to pound my head into a wall these days. Granted, what little I used to watch I stopped watching altogether as soon as news of The Great Parking Lot Blowout That Blew of 2008 happened. But now comes news that can only be deemed an insult to anyone with eyes and short-term memory.

Let’s take a trip in the way-back machine, way back to November 3 when Grey’s creator Shonda Rhimes issued a statement after Brooke Smith’s firing that read, in part:

“The impact of the Callie/Erica relationship will be felt and played out in a story for Callie. I believe it belittles the relationship to simply replace Erica with 'another lesbian.' If you'll remember, Cristina mourned the loss of Burke for a full season.”

And then there was Callie's own admission to Erica about her sexuality from this season's premiere when she said:

“I'm not sure I even like kissing girls. I don't, actually, like kissing girls. I just like kissing one girl – you.”

Guess what, NEVER MIND suckers!

Turns out Callie will indeed simply “replace Erica with ‘another lesbian’.” And that lesbian would be played by one Jessica Capshaw. Jessica will join the cast as Dr. Arizona Robbins, a pediatrician who comes in to help Bailey with a case for a three-episode arc in January. And word on the lesbo street is that she shares a kiss, if not more, with Sara Ramirez’s Callie.

Where. To. Start? Let’s start small and let the anger build organically, shall we.

First, um, Arizona ? Did they get her name while playing “I Spy” on a road trip to the Grand Canyon ? “I spy, with my little eye…a Baskin-Robbins! I spy…an Arizona Route-64 sign! Hey, that’d be a great character name…”

Second, didn’t I read that Callie and crazy Sadie were flirting recently? Oh, wait, sorry – that’s right. They are bisexual, so that means they are fast and loose with the fellas and the ladies. Carry on. These ridiculous stereotypes won’t perpetuate themselves.

Third, when exactly did “The L Word” become the farm team for “Grey’s Anatomy?” First Papi (Janina Gavankar has wisely since left her blink-and-you’ll-miss-her role) and now Bette’s cast-off Nadia all stop into Seattle Grace? You remember T&A, err, TA Nadia, right? She thought Bette had boxer’s arms and then they went at it like teenagers on prom night in Bette’s Saab.

Finally fourth, and most infuriatingly, how did this show and its lesbian characters turn into a dramatic recreation of those dumb “Upgrade” commercials? I mean, they didn’t even try to pick an actress who looked significantly different than Brooke. They just went for a younger and (by some mouth-breathing executive’s assessment) hotter model. Jessica is 32, Brooke is 41. The math does not lie, it only makes your blood boil.

I know that television is a medium know for its unrealistic beauty standards. And I know that many people watch television just so they can see beautiful people do beautiful things. Still this kind of obvious “trading up” points at what continues to be an ugly truth in our society. Women and their stories remain largely ornamental. So if we do not fulfill a preconceived notion of what is attractive, we are expendable.

Well fuck that noise, “Grey’s Anatomy.” Sell your bullshit elsewhere, because we’re not buying it anymore (seriously, even your straight stuff stinks: Izzie and Denny and the brain aneurysm, WTF?). We have eyes and short term memories and senses of decency. We are not expendable. We are not interchangeable. We are not stupid. Everyone, come join me on NBC at 9:30 p.m. on Thursdays instead. I hear there’s this great show with this smart lady that doesn’t insult your intelligence at every turn. Something about “30” and a “Rock.” Yeah, suck it ABC.