As long as we’re talking shit, WITHIN THE FAMILY, can we talk about Ellen DeGeneres hawking her skincare line on infomercials now? Because, when I think of Ellen, I think of wrinkle-fighting systems! But, seriously, what happened to all her talk show money? Did she max out with that “cottage” in the Cotswolds for her and Portia?
Look, one of the clearest recession indicators out there is that celebrities are selling all kinds of random shit these days. The most egregious, of course, is that Goopy Lady hawking those multi-million dollar Israeli luxury apartments while that country’s government continues to brutalize Gaza. Like, she truly earned the nickname Gwynocide with blissfully tone deaf lines like, “Waking up for a morning run can be brutal!”
I mean, by that metric Ellen’s Kind Science skincare line is only minorly cringe, and not ignoring a genocide cringe. Still, I have grown to really resent products that happily feed into our Beauty Industrial Complex – a multi-billion dollar industry that makes even more money the worse we feel about ourselves and things like, oh I don’t know, natural aging. Also, I see Ellen is also still trying to capitalize on the whole “I’m the Kind One” stuff. Which is, um, interesting.
Now, lest you think I’m just picking on a The Formerly Great Panted One, plenty of straight white men are also lapping lustily from the Late Stage Capitalism trough. John Cena and Walton Goggins seem to be in a commercial arms race to see who can sell out the most. They’re both the spokesmen for not one, not two, but THREE brands each right now (Hefty trash bags, Nature’s Own bread and Chime banking for Cena and Walmart, GoDaddy and Google Goggles for Goggins).
Look, I will always be thankful to Ellen for coming out when she did. Someone has to be the first and she paid a price for many years for being a pioneer. But that also doesn’t absolve her of the claims of creating a toxic work environment on her subsequent talk show.
While I get it, it’s hard out there – even, I guess, for rich and famous celebrities. So I try not to shame folks for getting that bag. But people who are already much more well off than the average person going this hard for capitalism? Makes me long for the “Lost in Translation” days where movie stars had to travel to foreign countries to make some extra scratch on the side, lest they be called a corporate shill. All I’m saying is if one more person tries to sell me wrinkle cream, I’m getting out the “Shame” bell.
Last week Rosie O’Donnell posted about her escape from America to Ireland. So now that’s two of our prominent queer celebrities, Rosie and Ellen (so celesbians to be specific), who have fled the country rather than live through Trump 2.0. And, while I 100% get the inclination to get the fuck outta Dodge – like, believe me, it has crossed my mind more than a few times – I also take some issue with our out public figures throwing up their hands and retreating into their privilege.
Because here’s the thing, the rest of us don’t really have that luxury. The rest of us are stuck here. And it is then up to the rest of us to both survive and try to fight for a better future.
I particularly take issue with Rosie saying:
“When you know it is safe for all citizens to have equal rights there in America, that’s when we will consider coming back.”
Uh, so when other people have put in the hard work, rolled up their sleeves, taken to the streets, made sacrifices, risked their safety and put up a real resistance (no, not you establishment Senate Dems – the fuck with voting to pass the GOP spending bill), she is waiting until the dust settles and the fighting is over to come back? Cool.
When those with the most resources and potential power leave instead of joining the fight, it’s discouraging. And while I certainly get it, again – I’ve certainly entertained the idea and done a google search or two – it doesn’t feel great for those of us to have resigned ourselves to the struggle. And, yes, I know that Orange Turd and Rosie have history, and I put nothing past his vengeance campaign. But also nothing changes unless we do something, nothing changes unless we work for it, nothing changes unless we fight for it. Pride has always been a riot, and don’t you fucking forget it.
I thought at first I’d have a lot to say about Ellen’s announcement she’s ending her daytime talkshow with this its upcoming 19th season. But then a lot of smart women said a lot of smart stuff already. So I’ll keep it short-ish. My feelings about Ellen are, inevitably, tinged with nostalgia. But her career is a reminder that if our heroes don’t evolve along with us, we’re under no obligation to keep actively worshipping them. I’m not an Ellen hater per se. I recognize the incalculable good she did by coming out and mainstreaming acceptance of LGBTQ people. None of that should be forgotten. She helped change the world.
But, we’re all human. And good humans change because the world keeps changing and we should too. Ellen continued to believe her brand of non-nuanced niceness is the answer. She had made unquestioning kindness her brand. But just being nice won’t fix people who believe trans people should not be allowed to exist freely. And just being nice isn’t going to cause white supremacists to change suddenly their hearts. (Not to mention the reports of Ellen’s perhaps less than niceness in real life, and her show’s terribly toxic workplace. Weaponizing niceness to become obscenely rich and wrap oneself in unimaginable privilege while doing seemingly little to help those most currently vulnerable is, uh, not a good look.)
Still, like I was saying, we’re all human. We needed Ellen, and she came through for us at a time when only a handful of celebrities were actively out. She was the lesbian next-door, safe and non-threatening. Her likability and perceived kindness were ridiculously good PR for the mainstreaming of (let’s be honest, white-) gay acceptance back in the late ‘90s. And still she suffered for it, taking a few years to find her way back out of the wilderness after her sitcom got unceremoniously cancelled. Her return to and domination of an industry that once chewed her up and spit her out took courage and strength.
We all have struggles, and hopefully we all learn and continue to expand our minds and our hearts as we get older. That’s the whole wiser part, right? Heroes are only human too, and sometimes they might forget to look back and learn from their own struggles. Sometimes they continue to do the same thing that first made them revolutionary, but now just makes them rich. Then, yeah, it’s probably time to close that particular chapter.
But I truly hope Ellen has another chapter in her, one where her niceness (and wealth it helped her accumulate) can be used to continue the legacy she has already left of opening doors. True kindness is showing the most kindness to those who have experienced the least – not those who have gotten plenty already.
Well, shit, seems like I had at least a little to say anyway. Our icons are always complicated. The best take every opportunity to add to their legacies. I sincerely hope Ellen does just that.
Well, I’m just going to pretend Ricky Gervais didn’t twat it up with his general everything (fuck that transphobe). Otherwise it was a night of some heartfelt speeches, and some deserving winners. A few baffling winners. And a ton of just staggeringly talented actresses all in one room together. I mean, Carol Aird and Therese Belivet and Queen Anne and Lady Sarah were all there. And many real-life couples as well. Beanie & Bonnie! Ellen & Portia! Kate McKinnon & Everyone In Their Dreams. So in a way it was really the Golden Lesbians, as it should be.
SGALGG
Cate Blanchett & Nicole Kidman
Look, Cate, I’m no Therese. But I have other qualities, I promise.
Charlize Theron & Reese Witherspoon
Reese looks like she’s about to climb Charlize and can you blame her?
Glenn Close & Jennifer Lopez
J-Lo, please cast Glenn in “Hustlers 2.”
Michelle Williams & Busy Phillips
I know they’re just “best friends,” but the way Busy cried at Michelle’s beautiful speech was pure love.
Sian Clifford & Phoebe Waller-Bridge
Yes, I know they play sisters. Still hot.
Olivia Colman & Kaitlyn Dever
I’m not a big May-December person, but if Patrick Stewart can marry a woman 39 years his junior why the fuck not? Like, this is only a 22 year difference, so…
Salma Hayek & Patricia Arquette
They didn’t do anything particularly gay, but boobs so you’re welcome.
Amy Poehler & Kerry Washington
Amy just tested Kerry’s boob tape. With consent. Always with consent.
Helen Mirren & Phoebe Waller-Bridge
Dame Helen is not above flirting to get into Phoebe’s next project.
Helen Mirren & Meryl Streep
And with Meryl, too. Shameless, shameless.
Tiffany Haddish & Awkwafina
Put them in a movie together. Make them girlfriends. What? I thought we were just saying wishes.
GGALGG
Kate McKinnon & Emily Lynne
Fine, it’s Kate’s sister, but I was fine with it for Phoebe & Sian so why the hell not.
Beanie Feldstein & Bonnie Chance Roberts
Say it all together with me, “Awwww.” Also definitely not her sister.
Ellen DeGeneres & Portia de Rossi
Ellen & Portia seem to be competing for the most Big Top Energy.
Sometimes we forget how different things were 30, 20, or even 10 years ago. Or how hard they still can be in too many places even today. But then someone articulates exactly what it means to finally see yourself reflected back for that first time. And it all comes flooding back. As does the gratefulness we feel for the person or thing that finally helped us realize it was okay to be different. Last night that person was Kate McKinnon who introduced Ellen DeGeneres as she received the Carol Burnett Award at the Golden Globes. It was perhaps the most heartfelt moment of the night where there were more than a few heartfelt moments (Peach it, Michelle! Hell yeah, Patricia! Yaaasss, Awkwafina!). And other than Ricky Gervais being his typical twat (not to mention transphobic) self, what I think I’ll remember best from the night.
p.s. Don’t worry, SGALGG is still coming later this week. Oh, yeah, it’s coming.
Be kind to everyone is great - in theory. It should, in a perfect world, be our guiding principle. But this world is not perfect and kindness alone is not a panacea. So in this imperfect world sometimes being kind to one person means being inherently unkind to a whole swath of other, often more vulnerable people. And there’s nothing kind about that.
Which brings me to Ellen.
Over the weekend Ellen DeGeneres was shown hobnobbing with former President George W. Bush at an NFL football game. They were visibly chummy sitting side-by-side in the VIP seats. There was American’s Most Famous Lesbian and America’s Most Famous Unindicted War Criminal. Too much? I mean, sure, Kristen Stewart is pretty famous, too. But Most Famous? Hard to say.
Now, this all would have been a blip on Twitter and our collective consciousness if Ellen hadn’t then gone onto her daytime talk show a couple days later and given a lecture about being kind to everyone. It got widely praised in some circles, especially in celebrity circles.
Here is the thing, there is a big difference in Ellen’s signature phrase, “Be kind to one another” and her insistence here that we “Be kind to everyone.” Because unconditional kindness is not really kindness. It grants grace to those who do not grant grace to others, and in fact hurt others. And there’s nothing kind about that.
Yes, the world needs more kindness, always. But it needs more kindness, in part, because of the actions and policies put in place by men like George W. Bush. Too much? Not hardly enough.
The fuzzy math of history (and absolute shitshow of Trump) has given an entirely undeserved warm glow to W and his legacy. So let’s remember just what good ol’ Dubya did, shall we?
- Lied us into an illegitimate war which killed some 4,200 U.S. service members and an estimated 600,000 Iraqis.
- Greenlit the use of torture and opened the black hole that is Guantanamo Bay.
- Made opposing same-sex marriage a wedge campaign issue, and supported adding a Constitutional Amendment banning gay marriage.
- Botched the response to Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans which killed more than 1,800 Americans and left the city’s largely African-American population drowning and stranded.
- Led our economy into the greatest economic downturn since The Great Depression.
I know, I know, you’re thinking - but that’s all in the past. He paints people’s portraits now and sneaks candies to Michelle Obama.
Well, let’s not forget that just last year he also lobbied heavily to get Brett Kavanaugh confirmed to the Supreme Court. Yes, that Bett Kavanaugh. The beer-guzzling, woman-assaulting asshole whose vote could be instumental in legalizing workplace discrimination against LGBTQ people. So, you know, that’s a really kind thing for him to do.
Just like there’s a big difference between being kind to one another and being kind to everyone, there’s an equally big difference between being kind and being polite. Look, I’m not suggesting Ellen should have turned around and punched W in the face (though, I’m not necessarily suggesting she not).
What I am saying is being kind to those whose policies and actions are inherently unkind and in fact deeply harmful and sometimes deadly to others is not kindness.
Being kind to everyone also absolves them of having to feel guilt about the ways, directly or indirectly, they’ve harmed other people. And, in the case of a former president, that’s a lot of people and a lot of harm. We aren’t talking about your racist Uncle Bob here. We are talking about a man who held the most powerful position in the world and used it in a way to hurt poor people, people of color, queer people and more. And to not acknowledge that allows him to continue to bask in unearned respect and adulation. We do not owe him our kindness; we owe him our truth. That would be the true kindness, to show him the error of his ways.
The thing is, what’s at work here isn’t really kindness. It’s not even politeness. It’s not even really civility. It’s an insidious kind of class solidarity at its core. The rich play nice with the rich, because when your life is so nice, why not be nice to each other? Money insulates against everything.
This is also why you’ve seen some celebrities who probably should know better (cough, Reese Witherspoon, cough, Kristen Bell, cough) cheer Ellen’s brand of kindness. It’s not that their accolades come from a bad place, it’s that they come from a place of privilege most of us will never even hope of attaining.
In a way, I think it’s a kind of conscious or unconscious self-preservation for the rich. They make the poor and working class and everyone in between fight with each other instead of getting all French Revolution on their asses. Like, how is it not leading every broadcast in America that last year for the first time in history U.S. billionaires paid a lower tax rate than the working class?
Yes, you read that right. The tax rate for the richest Americans used to be around 70 percent. But in 2018, thanks to Trump’s tax cuts, the richest 400 families in America paid a 23 percent tax rate. The working class? Well, we forked over 24.2 percent.
When you ask yourself, why is there so much poverty? Why is our infrastructure crumbling? Why aren’t there enough services for mental health? Why don’t we have universal health care? Why are public colleges so expensive? The answer is the rich don’t pay enough taxes and leave those less fortunate to scrap and scrape amongst ourselves for whatever is left.
Look, I am not against wealth. I, too, would like more money. But how much money is enough money? We all know a billion dollars is a lot, but exactly how much? The median American household income today is $52,000. At that rate you would have to work 19,231 years to make a billion dollars. To put that in further perspective, you would have had to start working during the fucking Stone Age, when early man was still drawing on cave walls, to now have $1 billion.
Jeff Bezos, meanwhile, is worth $108 billion.
Here’s the thing, if we really, really thought about the income inequality and gross (and I mean gross) wealth disparities in America, even the reddest Red State-er would ditch the stupid MAGA hat and grab an “Eat the Rich” shirt instead. Now, that might not be a very kind thing to say. But hoarded wealth on such astronomical rates? That’s not terribly kind either.
But enough about Late-Stage Capitalism contributing to basically all the world’s problems. I don’t think Ellen is a bad person, necessarily. And I do respect kindness above almost all things. But kindness is not just being kind to everyone. It is making sure everyone is treated with kindness and not giving undeserved comfort to those who do not.
For whatever reason, we demand out female daytime talk show hosts be nice. Really, really, unblinkingly nice. Those with long memories will no doubt recall when Rosie O’Donnell was dubbed the “Queen of Nice” by Time magazine. Oprah was so nice she gave everyone a freaking car. And Ellen has picked up both their mantels to become the nicest, sunniest, danciest daytime talk host of them all.
But now, in an interesting, in-depth interview with The New York Times, Ellen is talking about her niceness and whether she wants it to continue – well, more accurately whether she wants her exceedingly nice talk show to continue – and her persona as an exceedingly nice talk show host. It’s worth a click for sure (you can find the full article here).
As the article mentions, and I’ve also heard in certain circles, The Ellen of real life is different from The Ellen of her talk show. Her true “niceness” is up for debate. But, on some level, we’re all like that. The person we present in our professional lives versus our private lives is very often different – usually in subtle ways but sometimes significant.
It’s strange to think, but her niceness can be seen as a cage. Veer anywhere outside the smiling, dancing blonde bubbliness and she is called out as a fraud. But, hey, we all have bad days. We all want to flip people off on the freeway sometimes.
Instead of her so-called niceness, what I’ve always admired about Ellen is her resilience. She had arguably one of the highest-profile comings out of all time. But that “Yep, I’m Gay”-heard around the world left her career in shambles for three years. And she rebuilt herself, joke by joke, into one of the most beloved entertainers working today. Seriously, think of a more loved celebrity? She is like the less risqué Betty White at this point.
So whenever Ellen is ready to quit her talk show (which is what the interview was ostensibly about – and to promote her new Netflix comedy special “Relatable” which debuts today), I am fine with it. Because I have no doubt this lady will come out on top. And isn’t that nice?
Here is Ellen DeGeneres encouraging Cate Blanchett to take off her pants. Alternately, here is Cate Blanchett telling Ellen DeGeneres she keeps popping out of her pants. You are welcome. Also, if you keep watching, you will see Cate Blanchett curse in Ellen DeGeneres’ ear and then Ellen DeGeneres curse back into Cate Blanchett’s ear. Oh yeah, these ladies are one martini away from having a full gloved lunch.
Also, here is Cate Blanchett discussing not wearing underwear on a roller coaster. I take everything back, Ellen and Cate have totally had a gloved lunch already.
Do you want a little joy? Do you want an endless smile? Would you like a reminder of the power of music, art and just enjoying each other’s company? Then please heartily enjoy newfound viral sensation Mary Halsey performing Missy Elliott’s “Work It.” She went viral last month when none other than Missy herself took note of her performance and dubbed her her “FUNKY WHITE SISTER” on social media. So, of course, an invitation to Ellen followed and the rest was, well, definitely worth it. And they could work it. Now, see, a little joy does the soul good at the start of another week. Now get out there and “Ti esrever dna ti pilf, nwod gniht ym tup!”
If you know anything about my love for Pixar movies you’ll now how much this delighted me. Here is a heart-warming clip of the Swedish ending of “Finding Dory.” Um, is this how all movies in Sweden end? If you, my dear Swedish friends, you have been holding out on us.
It’s easy to get discouraged in this day and age and president. Terrible things keep happening and terrible people keep letting it happen. But never lose heart that change is possible. We can reverse, or at least heal, some of the damage. And people can change for the better. Take Nathan Mathis, a 74-year-old peanut farmer from Alabama. His story went viral after he staged a lone protest at a Roy Moore rally last week. (Side Note: How great is it to not have to worry about that monster going to the senate anymore? So fucking great.) Mr. Mathis held a sign in honor of his late daughter, Patti Sue Mathis, who was gay and committed suicide and whose very existence Roy Moore thought should be illegal. Ellen had Nathan on her show late last week and it was, well, wonderful. People can change, the world can get better and a peanut farmer from Alabama can make a difference.
Happy Fourth of July, which if you’re not from the U.S.A. is most definitely not a holiday you should worry about. But if you are from the U.S.A. I would like to take this opportunity, in between blowing shit up in your backyard, to harken us all back to an America we can actually be proud of. It hasn’t even been six months since President Obama left office, but it feels like 60 years. Sigh. Maybe we’ll get back there again some day. Yes we can, at least dream about it.
How bad have things gotten? Well, even 5-year-olds knows our current president is a joke. Speaking of jokes, this one is pretty good. Gotta laugh to keep from, I don’t know, smashing everything in sight and then crying endlessly. Or however else you cope. Happy weekend, all.
If you’ve been here any length of time you will know a few things about me. I love women in tank tops and I love women in a finely tailored suit. Basically, I love women, in general. And I love the movie “Finding Nemo,” which I watch as a comfort film when I need a little oceanic hug. It goes without saying that I also love its long-awaited sequel, “Finding Dory.” I mean, it’s pretty much everything you love from the first film, plus otters. So I, like many of you no doubt, found it more than ironic that on the same weekend our new president signs a ban on refugees and, for all intents and purposes, a ban on Muslims entering America, the first film he screens in the White House is this very one. Because, as America’s Favorite Lesbian Ellen explains above, the plot of “Finding Dory” follows someone who crosses an ocean to find her family only to be detained against her will before they can be reunited. So, there’s that.
Anyway, who is up for a cuddle party with democracy?
History has a funny way of rewriting itself. Sure, Ellen DeGeneres is America’s Favorite Dancing Lesbian™ now. But it’s easy to forget that just some 20 years ago, she all but disappeared from our screens. Because the truth is 1997 was a lifetime ago culturally. I was in college then. And I remember watching her show’s historic coming-out “Puppy Episode” then. And I remember how singular it was – as basically no one else on television at the time had the guts to lean into a microphone and say, quite simply, “I’m gay” then. But, yep, Ellen did. And then, just a year later, her show was cancelled. And then for years she was relegated to guest spots in things like “Pauley Shore is Dead” and roles like a butchy corndog-chomping detective in “Goodbye Lover” (though, admittedly, she was very funny in that). But then, thanks to “Finding Nemo,” people suddenly remembered she was great again. And that whole gay thing wasn’t such a big deal after all. And sure, they’d love to watch her dance around and smile every afternoon. See, we were OK with The Gay all along. And now here we are 19 years later and she is receiving the Presidential Medal of Freedom. But alas, progress isn’t all dancing and awards and prizes hidden under your seat. It’s also the tough years, the stumbles, the regrets and the all-out losses. But we just keep swimming. We have to. Otherwise we don’t get to write our own history. Happy weekend, all.
Two gay ladies and the future President of the United States walk into a room. No, seriously, this happened. Yesterday Ellen had Hillary Clinton and all the ladies from the new “Ghostbusters” reboot on one show. It was like the MRA’s biggest nightmare scenario.
Anyway, because I’m not alert enough to schedule my DVR, I missed recording the show. But from the online clips it looked pretty amazing.
Like, here’s Hillary talking about the election:
And, like, here’s the “Ghostbusters” cast talking about each other:
Dammit, why didn’t I record this show? Anyway. May our futures be filled with many more happy appearances by amazing these ladies. Perhaps we should all just watch this show on repeat until Nov. 8 to avoid all the ugliness that is no doubt and sadly coming for all of them in the coming months. Oy, universe. Do better.
Lesbian moms. Cute otters. And a forgetful fish voiced by the most famous gay lady in the universe. Yes, “Finding Dory” truly had everything I love packed into one movie. (Fine, fine – would it kill them to find cameos for Tina Fey and a Corgi puppy in there as well?)
Here are the possibly/probably gay moms (at 1:05 in above trailer):
Here is the trailer with the cute otters (at 0:20 in below trailer):
Look, I know this is a “kids” movie and all, but as I’ve happily admitted before “Finding Nemo” truly is my happy place. And if 13 years after the original the sequel comes out to include not only more Ellen, possibly/probably gay moms and so many cute otters, I say there’s not enough butter* in the world for all the popcorn I’m going to eat when I go see this movie over and over and over again.
* Don’t worry, all that butter will pair perfectly with the Male Tears I’ll be enjoying while at my other favorite movie of the summer.
This just makes me so damn happy. And, it’s also gay because – well, hello – Ellen. Have I mentioned how happy this makes me? Yeah, don’t bother me on June 17. I’ll be in my “happy place.”
It’s Ellen! Squared! Kate McKinnon’s Ellen impersonation remains one of my favorite things about her. I’ve been watching “Ellen’s Design Challenge” again this season. And I can attest, Ellen certainly does have some definite personality quirks. And Kate, Kate captures the essence of them just perfectly. And she ain’t a half-bad dancer either.
