Sweeps Lesbianism Redux

You must remember this. A lesbian kiss is just a kiss. A very special lesbian episode is just a thing to make us sigh. The fundamental things apply, that they won’t stay gay as time goes by.

Ah, yes, Lesbian Kiss Episodes. So many shows have had them. So many shows will no doubt continue to have them – though hopefully with less frequency and sensationalism. Though it’s funny how lesbianism so often seems to break out around Sweeps Week. Must be something about the cycles of the moon.

So now Vulture has handily compiled this video of Lesbian Kiss Episodes. I have to say, it makes me oddly nostalgic.

And, I will actually argue that some of these kisses were actually slightly more than just solely ratings stunts. I mean, sure, the ratings didn’t hurt. But there was actual bravery involved in 1991 when CJ and Abby shared a kiss on “L.A. Law,” because it was also primetime TV’s first-ever female same-sex kiss. Ever.

And the Roseanne kiss was also historic because, while still a one-off, the episode had more to do with homophobia and to show that lesbians – real ones – were actually everywhere. Even in middle America.

Also, as much as I am loathe to defend “The O.C.,” Alex (Olivia Wilde) and Marissa (Mischa Barton) actually kissed a whole bunch of times. And they had an actual relationship, which lasted about two months, with sex and everything. Sure it was short-lived and ended disappointingly for all of its lesbian and bisexual fans, but it wasn’t a just one-off.

So there you have it. So many random lesbian kisses. Which Very Special Lesbian Kiss is your favorite? You know you have one, fess up.

Delirious times

In honor of Pride Month I thought it’d be fun to watch some “classic” lesbian movies. OK, not necessarily “Maidechen in Uniform” classic. But more like old favorites. And today that old favorite is “Lost & Delirious.” You know, that tragic boarding school tale of first love lost.

The last time I saw it was the first time I saw it back n 2001 when it came out in theaters. So last night I had another look, thanks to my new best friend streaming Netflix.

The first thing you’ll notice is how young everyone looks. Piper Perabo is young. Mischa Barton is young. Jessica Paré is young. And there’s also young Emily VanCamp, Caroline Dhavernas and Meaghan Rath. So, so, so young.

The next thing you’ll notice is so much more of the movie is about general falconry. Seriously, there’s a lot of tending and feeding of that bird. I know, I know – metaphor. Though I’d definitely blocked the whole live mice thing out of my memory banks.

What might hit you after that is how so very melodramatic and emotional and angsty and crazypants the whole affair is. As a depiction of passionate, tumultuous, obsessional first love it’s not necessarily wrong. I mean, who hasn’t gone a little nutters, neglected personal hygiene and stabbed romantic rivals after a particularly bad breakup? Quoting Macbeth in the middle of the woods at night, we’ve all been there – in our hearts. Love makes you do the wacky.

And finally, you might wonder if this movie would ever get made today. The impossibility of two girls falling in love and living happily ever after is at the crux of the story. How it seems so absurd to think the world – your parents, your friends, your classmates – might accept who you really are. Certainly, sadly this still happens today. Homophobia is alive and well and continues to thrive and threaten our happiness and lives everyday. But for a movie to wax eloquent about the inevitable tragedy of two modern teenager girls falling in love in the United States (or was it Canada), well, that now seems quaint and a little absurd. And that’s a good thing.

t.A.T.u. you

Uhm, remember when Mischa Barton had a budding career and a bright future? Yeah, what happened? When I first heard about the new movie “Finding t.A.T.u.,” I was pretty sure it was a joke. A movie about faux lesbian Russian girl group t.A.T.u.? Have we learned nothing from “Spice World?” Yet, per the plot synopsis:

Two teenage girls, Janie who is American and Lana who is Russian, fall in love after meeting at a t.A.T.u concert and are swept into a dangerous world of obsession, drug abuse and murder.

Alas, it’s real and really coming to a theater (or more likely direct-to-a-video store) near you. Making this all weirder, Mischa isn’t playing American Janie. She will be Ruski Lana. So we can look forward to lots of “moose and squirrel!”-level acting. Who then will play the all-American girl? Former “Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Model Search” contestant Shantel VanSanten, whose film credits so far include such illustrious roles as “Hot Date” and “Beautiful Girl.” I am on pins and needles, you? Also, good thing one of them has an accent, otherwise it might get confusing trying to tell them apart.
And just when you thought this whole farce couldn’t get any more farcical, you realize that once-acclaimed director Roland Joffé, known in better days as the director behind the Academy Award-winning film “The Killing Fields,” is helming this insane clown car of a production. Just in case you think I might be exaggerating about the film’s insane clown car/moose and squirrel-qualities, please enjoy (and I say that very loosely) this 4-minute trailer/sneak peek/what-the-hell from “Finding t.A.T.u.” Dramatic exposition via text message? Clear some shelf space for that Oscar, Mischa.