Desk Life

Look, I don’t know how you can watch the Lizzo Tiny Desk Concert for NPR and not be happy. But I don’t suggest you try. Instead, on this Hump Day (do the kids today still say Hump Day? Do I care?), please enjoy some unfiltered joy. You deserve it.

The Lesbian Craft

Speaking of queer music fabulosity in this the year of 20biteen, the original Lesbian Jesus has been heard at work too. Now, on paper it makes me feel a little like a creepy old lady to enjoy a bunch of young women in Catholic school girl uniforms dancing around. But, people still revere that perv Nabokov, so I can do whatever the hell I want.

Now, having our very own lesbian pop music star is a big freaking deal on its own. But I also genuinely enjoy her music and her videos (not for the obvious reasons, ya pervs), but because they have such a cinematic quality. They’re all these little movies. They’re all the movies I wished I could watch as a baby gay, instead of the mainstream heterosexual rom-coms I had to sit through instead. Like, this is how “The Craft” went in my head. (And, as is, “The Craft” felt plenty gay, so that’s saying a lot.) Basically, Hayley Kiyoko’s music videos are pure lesbian teen dream wish fulfillment. We’re the heroines of all of the love songs, with bursting or breaking hearts. And, for once, we don’t have to chance the pronouns.

So, enjoy away, lesbians, bisexual and queer women of all ages. We’ve earned this ogling of women dancing in Catholic school girl uniforms. I mean, sincere appreciation of the progress we’ve made on pop culture on LGBTQ acceptance and the representation of romantic love. Yeah, definitely that.

Music Monday: Gone Girls Edition

Is it just me, or does this video give off a strong Mad Max Fury Road meets Andro Queer Performance Art meets 80s High Femme Bondage vibe or what? Which, obviously, are all my favorite genres to squeeze into a music video, duh. So I guess I owe an enormous debt to Charli XCX & Christine and the Queens for nailing my exact aesthetic with “Gone.” (Kidding, my aesthetic is all those plus the scene in a Pixar movie that always makes you cry.)

Anyway, where was I? Right, this music video. Now correct me if I’m wrong – because I am in no way a music historian and also my memory is absolutely rubbish – but this is also one of the first times that two female mainstream solo artists sang what is essentially a sexy love song duet explicitly to each other in a music video? Right? Like, “Me Against the Music” was an obvious Madonna/Britney tease and we all remember t.A.T.u. But, yeah, it’s still remarkably rare to see a song featuring two female artists like this (also where at least one if queer and out, meaning Christine and the Queens – sorry I had to Google Charli XCX as is just to figure out what songs she sang, I have no seriously idea how she identifies).

So, with that, I shall watch it again. You know, for science. And, uh, history. And stuff.

My Weekend Crush

When it rains good news for our little shit show, it pours. Which is considerably better than the other kinds of rain the show could, uh, pour. (Shit, guys, I’m talking about shit.) So earlier this month it was announced season 4 of “Wynonna Earp” was finally going to begin production after IDW, the studio that produces the series, ran out of money and filming was delayed by months and months. Now thanks to additional kick-ins from both Syfy and Space (the show’s U.S. and Canadian partners) we’re back on track and demons better beware.

And now, even more good news for Earper Nation. In a new cover story with Diva magazine, series star Kat Barrell (a.k.a. Officer Nicole Haught) came out as being attracted to both men and women. The actress is married to a man, which I hope I don’t need to remind folks makes her no less bisexual. Alas, the profile touches on some of the flack she received in real life from fans about being with a man. Guys, we can enjoy and idolize our favorite stars, but their private lives are theirs alone.

With that, welcome officially to the Big Gay Family, Kat. As if there was any question she was one of ours. No one can lay a Lesbian Thirst Trap that well without being part of our big LGBTQ umbrella. Happy weekend, all.

Go West, Young Show

So speaking of everyone’s favorite Super Gay, Tessa Thompson, she’s got another lil project you might have heard of that also made some news at SDCC over the weekend. The new trailer for her series “Westworld” debuted, and I’m just as confused as always. But now with more Tessa and Evan Rachel Wood seemingly snuggling? Is there a bisexual robot pride flag? Because this show could proudly fly it.



I have to say I don’t always know if I enjoy “Westworld.” But I do enjoy trying to figure out its mystery. And it’s that reveal, the thing that will make all this tremendous effort make sense, that keeps me hooked. Damn you, confusing show with non-linear storytelling and multiple characters in multiple timelines. And now World War II? I mean, at least we get to punch some Nazis. Back when it wasn’t controversial to want to punch a Nazi, at least.

So, yeah, I’m invested in this mystery. Though, I still wish the show had even a little bit of humor about itself. Granted, I get it, the epic struggle between man and the machines man created to do terrible things to because man is terrible is heavy stuff. But, you know, a little glimmer of joy (or as in the video below, joy via cookies, never hurt anyone).

Have A Super Gay Day

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s the Marvel Cinematic Universe’s first out LGBTQ superhero! (Yes, yes – I know Superman is D.C, just please go with the analogy.) At San Diego Comic-Con over the weekend, Marvel honcho Kevin Feige and star Tessa Thompson confirmed that her Valkyrie character would be involved in an LGBTQ storyline in the next “Thor” sequel (titled “Thor: Love and Thunder,” which can I say I already love for its magnificent cheesiness?).

Tessa also confirmed the news in front of a cheering crowd at SDCC.



I mean, she’s not wrong. The King of Asgard needs her Queen. It’s tradition and all. So now let’s all brainstorm dream casting for the future Queen of Asgard. Thoughts? Suggestions? And, don’t worry, Janelle Monae and her Pussy Pants are already on top of the list. So, you know, bring on the Super Gays.

Tank Top Keeper

Yes, yes, I know the Women’s World Cup is over for another four years. But I realize I failed to bring to your attention during its run that the Chilean national team goalkeeper is a 6-foot-tall Amazon named Christiane Endler. For scale, this is what she looks like next to mere mortals.



Wait, are you OK? I didn’t expect you to fall down like that. Here, have a comfy seat and we can discuss more.

Not only is Christiane - who apparently goes by the nickname Tiane which for whatever reason only makes me like her more - very very tall and very long, she is also very strong. How strong, Snarker?

Well, here she is picking up one teammate.



Next here she is picking up two teammates.



And finally, yes, here she is picking up three - YES, THREE - teammates.



Though, can you really blame her teammates. If that was my keeper I’d also want to hug her with my legs with friendship...for sports reasons.

And, well, that tank top pic? Well. Oh dear, have you fallen down again? Well, this is only to be expected. It is Tuesday, after all.

Anne Lister Being Done™

https://yorkshireanne.tumblr.com/post/185941186675/anne-lister-being-done-while-wii-music-plays-in

I don’t know why Anne Lister Being Done™ set to Wii music fills me with so much joy. But it just does. Plus, anytime I can relive the joy of Anne Lister Being Done™ (Primarily with Men) is a good day in my book. And a great way to start any week.

My Weekend Emmys

Look, I’m not saying the Emmy’s have impeccable taste. But, they basically had my taste in TV this year. Sooooo. I guess what I’m saying is the Emmys had impeccable taste this year – you’re welcome.

“Killing Eve” getting nominations for Best Drama, Best Lead Actress in a Drama (for Sandra and Jodie) and Best Supporting Actress in a Drama (for Fiona). “Fleabag” getting eleven, yes ELEVEN, Emmy nominations including Best Comedy and Best Lead Actress in a Comedy for Phoebe and literally every other female actress who appeared in either a supporting or guest role on the show. Seriously, I am not kidding: Olivia, Sian, Kristin and Fiona (yes, again) all got nominations.

And then there was all the love for “Russian Doll,” a head-trip of a show that was way smarter and stranger than I thought the Academy would ever recognize. And “The Good Place” getting rightfully recognized too. And “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel,” thought admittedly I haven’t had time to start the second season yet. And same goes for “Schitt’s Creek,” but there are only so many hours in a day and sometimes I need to close my eyes.

In short, it was a very good year for smart women who like to watch smart television about other smart (and strange and sometimes murderous) women. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. This is how Phoebe Waller-Bridge acts when she wins a big award. So, just saying, Academy voters – you too can make this happen.

Literary Fuck Thursday

Well, now, doesn’t this look just – scrumptious. The last of the Carol Effect movies to make it to the big screen is finally here. And while I know not to get my hopes up for a happy ending with “Vita & Virginia” (given the real-life history of its subjects Virginia Woolf and Vita Sackville-West), I can’t help but feel all swoony about this none the less. Literary lesbianism, period costume, ladies kissing ladies? Well, call it the “Gentleman Jack” Effect, but my expectations are not low – to say the least.

You Look Funny

Well, here is a nice break from the non-stop horror of the headlines. Obviously, anytime I can share content from My Fake TV/Movie/Producing Wife Tina Fey, is a good day. And it’s particularly good watching Tina and “Queer Eye” host Tan France give Rachel Dratch some new looks. I very hard relate with these ladies as they awkwardly stand around as a Professional Gay dresses them. Basically, this is how I feel any time I enter a dressing room anywhere.



Except, you know, probably minus the mom jeans.



Though, unlike Rachel, I would love to have an Ellen vibe going on with my look. And you can take my Doc Martens away over my cold, dead fashion-backward body.

Our Country 'Tis Of Thee

Remember what we got to think about when we didn’t spend so much of our waking (and sometimes sleeping) hours thinking about that racist, sexist, xenophobic, homophobic, pathologically lying, pathologically narcissistic con man currently inhaling Big Macs in the White House? Yeah, neither do I.

What makes this moment in history particularly exhausting is the incessant drum-beat of bad news. Oh, he screamed on Twitter that the black and brown female freshman Democratic congresswoman should go back to their countries, and then doubled down in a press conference the next day, yet all you hear from GOP lawmakers is crickets? And the day before that his Vice President spent 90-seconds looking at the deplorable conditions migrants are being kept in in America’s new concentration camps, then turned his back and actually told us to not believe our lying eyes about what we all literally saw.

Like I was saying, incessant bad news. And, before anyone says it, no I do not care about how well the stock market is doing, not one little tiny bit (and, yes, I don’t care even though I have a 401K like every other poor slob who wishes they had a real pension instead). I don’t care about how “great” this economy is because it’s not great for everyone.

In fact it’s mostly just great for the already rich, the super rich and the obscenely rich. Or those who delusionally believe they’re destined to be one of those three. (It’s that insane ‘I’m poor and my whole family is poor and generations of my kin have all been poor, but when I get stupid rich I don’t want to be taxed too much”-mentality. ) Also going great? Corporations! Can someone give a workshop on how to incorporate myself so like Amazon, Chevron, General Motors, Halliburton, Netflix and 55 other U.S. companies I could have paid exactly ZERO in taxes this year? Cool, thanks. Now that’s settled.

The bad news I’m talking about is related to our shared humanity. The principles that invisibly tether us together. Love your family. Be kind to others. Take care of children. Love the planet.

These bedrocks of our shared humanity have taken a real hit these last two and a half years. And what makes it worse is how widespread the issues are. Corruption. Bigotry. Greed. Cruelty. So much cruelty. Every which way we look this administration is violating the rules, tenuous as they are, we’ve established to keep our government from becoming an unscrupulous farce of epic proportions. You know, kind of like the Trump Foundation.

Look, you individually may not care that Muslims have been banned from entering our country, patriotic trans men and women are being stopped from serving in the military, families are being ripped apart one another at the border, kids are being kept in cages without soap and toothpaste, 125 far-right judges have been given lifetime appointments and two right-wing Supreme Court Justices have been confirmed who will easily serve another 25 years each. (Not you, I know you care. But, the other you.) Or maybe you don’t care that Trump never divested from his real estate properties or never put his business in a blind trust and instead spent an extra $102 million in just two years playing golf at his own properties. I mean, they made Jimmy Carter sell his peanut farm, but whatever.

And, if you don’t care, hey - it’s still a free country. At least for a little while.

But there are no more excuses. If you support this “president,” you support a racist. You support a misogynist. You support a xenophobe. You support an absolute garbage human being. You know it, we know it. Heck, at least those dumb red hats make it easy to see you coming.

Still I guess the good news is, despite the rampant lack of empathy, general indifference and all-our bigotry of a solid 45 percent of this country, I still believe (and the math bears out) that more of us still care.

So now is the time for us to buckle down. Yes, we’re all tired. We’re all worn down. But we aren’t alone. Not at the ballot box. Not in the hall of congress. And if you’re wondering what the future of this country looks like, look no further than Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rep. Ilhan Omar, Rep. Ayanna Pressley, and Rep. Rashida Tlaib.

When Cheekbones Attack

Hey, remember when I said I could take or leave the live-action Disney classic remakes? Well, besides the new “Mulan?” I forgot one. I very much enjoyed the recentering of the “Sleeping Beauty” story a.k.a. “Maleficent.” And now I can’t wait for its sequel, “Maleficent: Mistress of Evil” a.k.a. “Attack of the Cheekbones.”



I honestly don’t care about the plot or whether Princess Aurora gets to marry her handsome prince. I just care that Angelina Jolie and Michelle Pfeiffer square off wearing shit like this.

My Weekend Crush

I love this team. I love their swagger. I love their talent. I love their passion. I love their determination. I love their conviction. I love their activism. I love their heart. I love their joy. I love, love, love the USWNT’s unabashed celebration of hard-earned success.



And of course it goes without saying that I love the Rapi-pose.



Just for good measure, I also love, love, love, love, love, love how incredibly gay the team is. Five, make that six, out players. At least one on-team couple. An out coach. And – you know – welcome, Kelley O’Hara. Your toaster oven is in the mail.



Fine, also I love that they’re not bad to look at in the face, arms, legs, full-body, whole human person kind of way. So whether they’re beating the world, partying at a ticker-tape parade, or glamming up for the ESPYs, I simply can’t get enough of these ladies. (And I can’t get enough of Ashlyn Harris' Instagram stories.)



Fine, I also can’t get enough of members of all the world’s national women’s teams kissing their girlfriends.



See you again in 2023, World Cup. And, hell yeah, ladies – you deserve this. We all deserve this. Happy weekend, all.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Mulan Edition

Say hello to the OG Disney Gender Fuck Thursday Superstar, Mulan. While I’m not a Disney stan, I definitely enjoy their work (See: All Pixar movies and “Moana”). Still I’ve been a little indifferent to their recent live-actioning of all of their classic animated films. Like, we get it, Emma Watson makes a perfectly fine Belle. But other than Angelina Jolie as Malificent, they’ve felt a tad uninspired. That is, until now. The trailer for the new live-action “Mulan” looks good. Like, very good. Like, for real, it looks like a Hong Kong action epic and I am here for it. It also looks like one of the first live-action remake that doesn’t try to simply recreate the original, but reinvent it in its own way. Also, fierce chicks with swords are cool. And anytime we can get more quality Asian representation on the big screen, it’s a very good thing.

Team Gay Angel

This trailer came out right when I started my vacation, because of course it did. And now that I’ve had some time to mull it over, I’ve decided I’m firmly on Team Gay Angel a.k.a whatever Angel K-Stew is playing. Look, it’s no secret that the “Charlie’s Angels” series had more than a few lesbian fans (who, if we’re being honest were always more about Kate Jackson than Farrah Fawcett, always). And then the early 2000s movies were campy ridiculousness, which you’d better believe I saw in the theaters. And now, well, it’s back for a late 20teens revival – but this time, with Obviously Queer Apparel Angel Sabina Wilson (Kristen’s character).



Now, do we know if Sabina is gay in the film? No, no we don’t. But it would stretch incredulity to the point of absolute farce to make her straight and have K-Stew look like this all the damn time.

I mean there’s even a line in the trailer that says, “Take her to the closet and gear her up.”

Yeah, like I was saying, Team Gay Angel.

That's President Straight Bette Porter To You

Well, now, wasn’t that a nice vacation? Took some fun trips. Ate some good food. Celebrated all of the Pride. Saw future president Straight Bette Porter. All in all, a good and inspiring time was had by all. True presidential pride is something I could get very, very much get used to. And, you know, Kamala’s rainbow sparkle jacket.



Oh, and while we were there we saw the casts of “Vida” and of “Tales of the City,” who came to to give the crowd some love. It’s like I always say, love shows that love you back.




p.s. I mean, come on, that’s a great jacket.

Nothing but respect for my President Straight Bette Porter. @KamalaHarris #sfpride pic.twitter.com/xdSMKbiAtq

— Dorothy Snarker (@dorothysnarker) July 1, 2019

Vacation Vixen: Emma Thompson

Just a quick Monday morning reminder to find your whimsy wherever you can. And maybe to dye your hair white-platinum blonde. And maybe to get a fierce alternative lifestyle power haircut. And perhaps also be British. Or, screw it, we can’t all be Emma Thompson. But wouldn’t it be nice to try?

Vacation Vixen: Cate Blanchett

Yeah, yeah, yeah – so Pride Month ended Sunday. But we always run on Queer Standard Time, which means I hereby extend pride to today so we can all enjoy Rainbow Blanchett. Happy extended pride weekend, all.

Vacation Vixen: Rose & Evangeline

On this Fourth of July let me tell you a true tale of American independence. While we may have never had an out gay President of the United States of America, history will show we did indeed have a lesbian First Lady. And, no, don’t get excited – we’re not talking about Eleanor (yet).

No we’re talking about Rose Cleveland, sister of bachelor President Grover Cleveland. Norms dictated since he did not have a wife a close female relative would serve as First Lady. So Rose stepped in for the start of his first term until he found some poor woman to marry him after his first year in office.

Flash forward a couple years and Rose meets Evangeline, 10 years her junior and with an enormous inherited fortune to her name. I know, it sounds too Gentleman Jack-y to be true. But it really all is true American history.

The two women entered into a 30-year “romantic friendship” relationship which, while Evangeline remarried at some point, saw them live together, vacation together, buy property together and engage in a three-decade long love letter marathon together. And we know this thanks to a recently uncovered trove of letters that had been preserved by Evangeline’s caretaker all these years.

The two women are buried in side-by-side graves in Tuscany. Yep, American history is gay as fuck. So have big, old queer birthday, America.

Vacation Vixen: Linda Hamilton

Bad. Ass. Period.

Vacation Vixen: Misty Copeland

I know everyone raves about ballerinas' legs, but can we discuss Misty Copeland’s back for a second? Wait, I’m going to need a minute. Wait, maybe an hour? How about two days? Hold up, how long is my vacation again?

Vacation Vixen: Gentleman Jack

What? I’m on vacation. It’s not illegal! As always, I promise to leave you with some lovely, lovely vixens to tide you over. The first is less vixen, more thermometer enthusiast. Oh, who are we kidding? Even with that hair Suranne Jones was a total babe as Anne Lister. Such unabashed butch swagger. Such unapologetically handsome dress-suits. Like I was saying, swoon city.