Just Total Hacks

God, I love this show. I love Jean Smart and Hannah Einbinder’s chemistry. I love the show’s unexpectedly big heart. And, obviously, I love how hilarious AND gay the series has been from the start. And now we get to see Hannah’s Ava has become more and more queer to the point where she gets to makeout on screen with Christina Hendricks. Like, good work if you can get it, honey. Well done, you. Also well done are all the glowing reviews I’ve read of the new season. And almost all of them have said something along the lines of, I didn’t think we needed another season after that perfect ending in Season 2. But, uh, we were wrong and it got better. Now that’s what I like to hear. And, in one week, see. The lesbian TV gods are real, that's for sure.

"god is real"
she's so gay i'm obsessed with her pic.twitter.com/6jRHzw4DuK

— judith's secret gf (@julesnichqls) April 17, 2024

We Can Hack It

Hacks! Is! BACKKKK! And, from the looks of things, pretty gay. Emphasis on “The Pretty” and “The Gay.” I’m just thrilled this show is returning to give us more May-December platonic female friendship/mentorship/proxy mother-daughter hilarity between Jean Smart and Hannah Einbinder. I just love their dynamic. Though, I never really thought they worked as a couple-couple (despite Ava’s occasional daydreams). So I am equally thrilled to see Ava appears to have a new romantic interest in the new season in the incredibly shapely form of Christina Hendricks. Hello. Imma need to see this whole scene immediately, if not sooner.

I mean it. Release the footage! Or at least make this happen in the first episode of the season because three weeks is about all I can wait to see what happens after she gets that pesky top off.

Gender Fuck Thursday

Seeing how Tuesday and Wednesday’s ladies were all doing it, I thought it only seemed fair that Thursday made it official. Also, Ladies in suit jackets are hot, duh. Especially when paired with a nice tie. Since we haven’t had a Gender Fuck Thursday in a while, we were also due.

Angelina Jolie

God, I cannot wait for “Maleficent.”

Christina Hendricks

I feel like I haven’t seen her and the ladies in forever.

Lena Headey

Even though much of it is quite troubling, I’m thrilled for Lena that Cersei is getting more screen time this season.

Michelle Krusiec

After “Imagine Me & You,” “Saving Face” is my go-to happy-place lezzie rom-com.

Anjelica Huston

Man, that lady gives good face.

Ellen Page

Man, it really is lovely watching a smart, talented young woman articulate exactly how coming out has improved her life.

BONUS: Some casual Ellen Page Gender Fuck, courtesy her The Hollywood Reporter cover story.

My pretties

Who says I need a fucking theme? After staying up way, way, crazy way too late writing this week’s Rizzoli & Isles Subtext Recap (check it out later today on AfterEllen, won’t you please), I just felt like posting pretty things. And I am in the process of some technological transition (more on that soon). So today all I could muster was this thought, if there must be a theme. Ladies, pretty. Pictures, good. It’s the best I can do. Please accept them with my sincerest apologies. But then, who needs complex thought with all this pretty?

Halle Berry

I have no idea what is happening in her personal life, but damn if that woman can’t fill out a T-shirt.

Vivienne Westwood & Christina Hendricks

Just a couple ginger gals hanging out and stuff.

Lucy Liu

Sure, I like her on “Elementary.” But, gosh, if I don’t miss the cop outfit from “Southland.”

Lena Headey

Because I can. Because it makes me feel good. That’s why.

SGALGG: Emmys Edition

Oh, Emmy Awards. Each year I have such high hopes that only the most deserving will wing and each year something like Jon Cryer happens. And I even used to love Duckie. While they’re not always the most merit wothy of meritocracies, they are almost always a great source of Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals. Like whatever is happening here between Sofia Vergara, Sofia Vergara’s mom and Julie Bowen. Well, Julie did go on about sister wives in her award speech. So keeping it all in the family must just come naturally. A few more SGALGG moments from this year’s Emmys which merit your attention.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus & Amy Poehler

Even Julia thought it was a shame Amy didn’t win. But at least they hugged it out.

Lucy Liu & Julianne Moore

In my head, Julianne just told Lucy she wanted to see her Russia in her house. Are those euphemisms? You betcha.

Jessica Lange & Connie Britton

You can’t blame Connie for taking a shot at Jessica. In fact you’re probably a little jealous.

Morena Baccarin & Claire Danes

While nothing overtly SGALGG-y is happening here, you have to believe the magnificent V in Morena’s dress is giving Claire pause.

Amy Poehler & Tina Fey

If I can’t marry My Fake TV Wife, then I want Amy to have her and I want them to make the funniest babies in all the world together.

Ginnifer Goodwin, Emily VanCamp & Julie Bowen

Julie just made Ginnifer and Emily and offer they can’t refuse.

Katee Sackhoff & Tricia Helfer

What happens in the photobooth rarely every just happens in the photobooth. Ahem.

Christina Hendricks

While she isn’t doing anything gay, she is certainly making a lot of new gays just by sitting there.

Sarah Paulson

This is what I call a Gay Gal Acting Like a Gay Gal. I mean, really, look at how excited she is at the sight of sensible shoes.

Sofia Vergara & Julie Bowen

Screw Jay and Phil. Think how big a hit “Modern Family” would be if we got to see Gloria and Claire do this every week.

NSFW BONUS

So Sofia Vergara suffered a bit of a wardrobe malfunction right before “Modern Family” took home the Emmy for best comedy. I think this might be proof there is a benevolent God, and she loves us lesbians.

Just walk away

I’m not an ass girl. This I’ll freely admit. But, this does not mean I cannot appreciate a fine ass, especially as it walks away. And it’s harder to think of a finer posterior than that of one Joan Holloway. Sure, she has an equally superior anterior. But it’s that little sashay that Christina Hendricks gives to Joan, especially when leaving a room, that really makes me swoon. So, what finer way to start off a work week than by leading from the rear. Ahem. Exit, stage rump.

[Hat tip, The Linster for unearthing this delectable compilation.]

Happy Monday, kittens. Now walk away, slowly.

Bullseye, ladies

Archery is hot. I mean, if the Girl on Fire does it, you know it’s got to be hot. But “The Hunger Games” is not the first nor more than likely the last film to bring us female heroines brandishing bows and arrows. Plenty of cinematic and real-life heroines have taken aim with one of mankind’s oldest weapons. And I’ll tell you a little secret about myself, I loved archery growing up. I didn’t do it a lot because I lived in town and my parents had this thing about not accidentally shooting the neighbors and all. But I went to a summer camp a few years in a row and my absolute favorite activity was archery. Something about drawing back that string and feeling the bow flex mixed power, grace and physics in an intoxicating way. I also liked the crisp thump sounds the arrow made as it hit its hay target. So here are a few other ladyies of the longbow to take their place beside Katniss Everdeen.

Keira KnightleyShe picked up a bow as Guinevere in “King Arthur.” I’m not sure how a bare midriff helped her aim, but everyone has her own method I suppose.

Natalie PortmanJust to keep the “Is it Natalie or Keira” confusion going, she did her own movie as bow-and-arrow wielding warrior in “Your Highness.”

Lena HeadeyI’m thinking up a zany crossover movie where Lena’s flower girl Luce from “Imagine Me & You” and huntress Angelika from “The Brothers Grimm” go on a road trip and to rescue fairy tale characters and kiss pretty girls. Fine, admittedly I haven’t thought it through very much.

Anna PopplewellI really loved the “Chronicles of Narnia” growing up, but it wasn’t exactly brimming with strong female heroines. Thank heavens for Susan Pevensie and her trusty bow and arrow.

Jessica Biel“Blade Trinity” was not a good movie. But it did introduce us to Jessica Biel’s magnificent shoulder muscles. And for that the universe will forever be grateful.

Jennifer Garner“Elektra” was not a good movie either. And not even seeing Jennifer prance around in a crime-fighting wardrobe made by Victoria’s Secret could make me thank the universe for it.

Jennifer LawrenceJennifer trained with a four-time Olympian and arching champion for her role in “The Hunger Games.” But I don’t think that’s why all the showings I wanted to go to were sold out this weekend.

Stana KaticDid you know besides speaking like half a dozen languages she also enjoys flamenco, falconry and a little archery on the side? Don’t worry, PETA, I don’t think she practices her archery and falconry at the same time.

Geena DavisGeena is another real-live archer, who even tried out for the 2000 Olympics team. She didn’t make the team, but that’s OK because she already has some gold hardware named Oscar at home.

Lucy LiuI have no idea why she’s using a bow and arrow while wearing this jaunty little outfit, but I entirely approve.

Christina HendricksLikewise, I have no idea why Christina is posing seductively in a spiked leather jacket with a bow and arrows. But, again, not complaining.

Princess MeridaI dork out so hard when I think about this movie, you guys. I am so ready to be “Brave.”

Hello, 60 percent

So last week, this splashy headline came out that said “More than half of women are attracted to other women!” Hallelujah! Praise lesbian Jesus! All our dry spells are over. We have a better than 50-50 change of scoring with that cute brunette at the bar. Go get ‘em, tigers.

I mean, who wouldn’t be attracted to other women?

Women look like this.

And like this.

Also this.

Or this.

Other times that.

And even a little of this and that.

Of course, the reality is this news probably will not improve our ability to pick up hot straight chicks. The original report came from the UK’s Daily Mail, a publication notorious for loving sensational headlines and fuzzy math. That article about a Boise State study by a professor Elizabeth Morgan that was published in the Journal of Sex Research said that “60 percent (of heterosexual women) were sexually attracted to other women; 45 percent had kissed a woman and 50 per cent had fantasies about the same sex.” But, again, it’s the Daily Mail. So, you know, please feel free to chug your salt shaker.

Doing a little research of my own, I did indeed find a real study published in the Journal of Sex Research by a Elizabeth M. Morgan, a Boise State psychology professor, that looks at sexual orientation questioning among heterosexual women ages 18 to 23. The number of women in the study was different than the Daily Mail’s numbers (study: 333, Daily Mail: 484) and findings seem a little different. The real study found that “67 percent of exclusively heterosexual respondents indicated having thought about and/or questioned their sexual orientation.” Of those who have questioned their orientation, the questioning behavior broke down as “unelaborated questioning (19 percent), other-sex experiences (16 percent), exposure to sexual minorities (26 percent), assessment of same-sex attraction (48 percent) and evaluations of same-sex behavior (26 percent).”

Now I can’t be 100 percent sure these are the same studies, because of the differences in sample sizes and report percentages. (Prof. Morgan’s full article is only available for purchase and while I want to prove a point, and I don’t really care so much that I feel like shelling out $34.) And, even if it is the same study, the fairly small participant pool means I wouldn’t go making a bunch of universal proclamations based on it alone.

But, still, it adds research to that long-assumed truth that women are more sexually fluid than men. Or, at the very least, women are more willing and comfortable with being honest about their sexual fluidity. Or maybe we should just chalk it up to college. Besides learning how to shotgun a beer and sleep with your eyes open, students pretty much major in sexual experimentation during those years of academic excellence. This is also where that beer shotgunning thing can come in handy.

In the end, we don’t really need a study (or a fake study) to tell us that while we may not be able to hook up with all these some 60 percent of straight gal, we know they’re at least taking a look at us ladies. How could they not? I mean, look at us.

UPDATE: Wow, ask the universe and it delivers. I now am in possession of seven (SEVEN) copies of Prof. Morgan’s report. So looks like I’ll have some light reading to do this week. Thank you, thank you, kittens. You are, continually, the best.

Wonder girl

Yesterday I gave you arm porn. Today, well, it’s not exactly porn porn, but – you know – close enough. Christina Hendricks showed the girls off again at the premiere for “I Don’t Know How She Does It.” I know it’s probably crass to keep talking about the obvious, but they’re just so … obvious. Though, in an attempt to change the subject, I really like this dress on her. Sometimes Christina wears fashion on the red carpet that struggles to compete with her most abundant assets (dammit, I’m back to talking about them again). But this dress just complements her figure in a lovely soft, creamy, my-God-I-want-to-touch-her-skin way.

Christina spoke with Vulture about “I Don’t Know How She Does It” as well as her other upcoming projects – “Drive” with Ryan Gosling and “Struck by Lightning” written by none other than Kurt Hummel himself, Chris Colfer. Though one tidbit that interested me in particular was how “Drive” director Nicolas Winding Refn really wanted Christina to play Wonder Woman. And she said she’d do it “in a heartbeat.”Right, not to get stuck on the same subject again, but sweet merciful Zeus, could you imagine the industrial-strength corseting that would be required to keep those wonder girls in the Wonder bustier? The mind boggles.

The other interesting tidbit from the interview was that Christina is going to bring a 19-year-old with the Make-A-Wish Foundation as her co-date to the Emmys (she’ll also be taking her husband). Well wished for, young man, very well wished for.