Heated Rivalry: Lesbian Edition

I didn’t know the marketing departments for major streaming services were in the fanfiction business. But what else would you call this femflash promo for “Heated Rivalry” featuring Olympic gold medalist Amber Glenn and cosplay influencer Lena Lemon? Set to t.A.T.u.’s “All the Things She Said,” which was used for maximum yearning during a key scene in the show, the short imagines a flirty (I want to say sensual, but I actually really hate the word sensual…) encounter between apparent rival skaters played by Amber and Lena. Like, sharing a water bottle? Girls, settle down now. As much as I appreciate including us sapphics in all the “Heated Rivalry” hoopla, I would appreciate even more a “Heated Rivalry” of our own. Oh wait, we had that with “A League of Our Own,” but Amazon canceled it. More reasons to hate Jeff Bezos and his dumb megayachts. Right, back to fan fantasy I guess.

Short Lesbians

Did you know you can watch Maya Hawke and Victoria Pedretti be gay together for 18 minutes? Yeah, neither did. But thankfully The Lesbian Internet graciously alerted me to this fact. The actors appear in the short film “The Non-Actor,” which is available to stream now on Mubi – whatever that is.

The short follows Elliot (Pedretti) who is staying with her ex’s new girlfriend Bella (Hawke) while attending a medical trial for her recent, unexplained loss of hearing. Per Letterboxd: “As she reconfigures her relationship with her (sonic) environment and herself, an intimate connection sparks between the two women.”

That spark better include smoochies is all I’m saying. So, does anyone subscribe to Mubi? Is it worth the $14.99(!) a month? Or, more likely, activating the 7-day free trial? Inquiring lesbian minds need to know. So far, I like the unsolicited knee pat. But, yeah, imma need some smoochies to make giving another site all my contact information seem worth it.

Music Monday: Breeders Edition

So last month, twin sisters/rockers Kim and Kelley Deal turned 65. Which is crazy because they remain the ultimate cool girls to me. And as soon as I hear any of their riffs I’m immediately back to those halcyon 90s days of youth, when the Breeders were on the radio and girls with guitars were on my mind. My first girlfriend was in love with Kim Deal, so obviously I was also in love with Kim Deal. While “Cannonball” remains their ultimate banger, “Drivin’ on 9” brings a rush of sweet nostalgia. The joy of the semi-aimless road trip. Truly, their addition to Olivia Rodrigo’s truly exceptional lineup for her Daisy Chain Fields music festival is one of the only things that could give me FOMO about not going to music festivals. Enjoy it kids. I actually wish I was there, at least in spirit if not in body. Happy Monday, kittens.

My Weekend Crush

All this gay dating show talk has me reminiscing about one of my favorite sapphic couples. Oh Alice and Dana. You were taken from us far, far too soon. Heck, so soon that we – the long-suffering “The L Word” fandom – didn’t even have a chance to give them a proper mortmanteau. We’d only gotten around to naming TiBette! And after that we had to deal with the abomination that was Shenny. Should we give them a posthumous portmanteau? This year marks the 20th anniversary of Dana’s death, after all. Piebanks? FairPie? OK, maybe not. But, whatever you call them, I miss them. Happy weekend, all.

High Art Redux

Last month, “High Art” was added to the Criterion Collection. The 1998 indie was the debut feature from Lisa Cholodenko, who would go a dozen years later to make some lesbians very, very upset about the also excellent “The Kids Are All Right” (and, yes, I still stand by that assessment, now another 16 years after that – whew, time is crazy). Now, I haven’t rewatched “High Art” in a decade, possibly two. But I remember how viscerally I felt this movie, with its arty intensity and grungy tragedy. Also, Ally Sheedy was obviously a revelation after only knowing her from her 80s brat pack days. I wonder now, much older and possibly a little wiser, if I would feel the same way about “High Art.” Guess I have to pick up the Criterion edition to find out. Also, what happened to Radha Mitchell? I definitely had a little crush on her. I mean, remember “Love & Other Catastrophes?” Gosh, I wonder if that’s available anywhere? Anyone up for a 90s lezzy movie marathon? Deep cuts only.

Sweet Lady Reality TV Kisses

Yes, I know, Pride is really and truly over. But for the last couple years near the end of Pride I’ve decided, “Self, it’s time to start watching something really stupid and really gay.” And it doesn’t get much gayer and stupider than queer reality dating shows. (Also there’s no show more endangered, but more on that later.)

Last year, I inexplicably started watching the second season of “The Ultimatum: Queer Love.” And this year, well, this year my inexplicable show is “I Kissed a Girl.” OK, there is an explanation. I kept seeing posts about the start of the second (and final, see what I was saying above) season of the show. But it gets stupider, because being on this side of the Pond we can’t even watch the new season yet. So I resigned myself to the first season. And here we are. So, you know, no spoilers – from two freaking years ago. Of course all these shows need some gimmick. You can’t see them! You have to get married! You have to kiss before you even say hello! Granted, I can stomach it better when it’s queer content. I refuse to watch straight dating shows because ewww.

Anyway, gay and stupid forever! Wonder when we’ll get the second season stateside? I hear it’s stupid fun. Now if they’ll just stop Canceling Our Gays, I might be able to catch up. Maybe even find some smart and gay shows too. What? A gay gal can dream.

Anyone else have go-to stupid and gay viewing around this time of year?

Tank Top Tuesday: What’s New, Katy-Cat?

This is not a drill. This is Katy O’Brian in a tank top holding a kitten. Some days, I’m just thankful for the little things. Particularly on a Tuesday.

Music Monday: Young Miko Edition

Well now, if this isn’t another reason to regret not taking Spanish in high school. But what’s not lost in translation is that Young Miko is hot. The tats, the eyebrow slit, the rings, the piercings, the TATS. The 28-year-old out lesbian Puerto Rican star is kinda like the sapphic Bad Bunny. And I’m not just saying that because he’s the only other Puerto Rican latin rapper-singer I know – I swear, they even did a song together! But I only recently tuned into Young Miko and her swagger. And despite needing a translator app to know exactly what she is singing about, I know enough. I think the whole “Baby-Baby, I'm a freak” chorus in English helps clear things up. Ahem. Happy Monday, kittens.

My Weekend Crush

Yes, Pride Month is truly over. But we can still bask in the afterglow. And that afterglow includes allies. So instead of celebrating 250 years of this country’s way, way (way, way, way) too slow journey toward that more perfect union, how about we celebrate allyship. So thank you, A’ja Wilson for not only being the greatest player in the WNBA right now, but for also being the GOAT of allies to the LGBTQ+ community. Last month she continued the tradition of bringing in a gay cake, or gayke as she calls it, for her queer teammates during Pride. This is truly the only Let Them Eat Cake I approve of in this day and age. Also, how funny was her reaction be being used on the promo for Pride Night with the Aces? Thanks for being a great ally, A’ja. Keep ‘em coming. Also I went to my first Valkyries game last weekend, so I am feeling the W right now. Hard. Even the straight allies. Happy weekend, all.

Selling Something

As long as we’re talking shit, WITHIN THE FAMILY, can we talk about Ellen DeGeneres hawking her skincare line on infomercials now? Because, when I think of Ellen, I think of wrinkle-fighting systems! But, seriously, what happened to all her talk show money? Did she max out with that “cottage” in the Cotswolds for her and Portia?

Look, one of the clearest recession indicators out there is that celebrities are selling all kinds of random shit these days. The most egregious, of course, is that Goopy Lady hawking those multi-million dollar Israeli luxury apartments while that country’s government continues to brutalize Gaza. Like, she truly earned the nickname Gwynocide with blissfully tone deaf lines like, “Waking up for a morning run can be brutal!”

I mean, by that metric Ellen’s Kind Science skincare line is only minorly cringe, and not ignoring a genocide cringe. Still, I have grown to really resent products that happily feed into our Beauty Industrial Complex – a multi-billion dollar industry that makes even more money the worse we feel about ourselves and things like, oh I don’t know, natural aging. Also, I see Ellen is also still trying to capitalize on the whole “I’m the Kind One” stuff. Which is, um, interesting.

Now, lest you think I’m just picking on a The Formerly Great Panted One, plenty of straight white men are also lapping lustily from the Late Stage Capitalism trough. John Cena and Walton Goggins seem to be in a commercial arms race to see who can sell out the most. They’re both the spokesmen for not one, not two, but THREE brands each right now (Hefty trash bags, Nature’s Own bread and Chime banking for Cena and Walmart, GoDaddy and Google Goggles for Goggins).

Look, I will always be thankful to Ellen for coming out when she did. Someone has to be the first and she paid a price for many years for being a pioneer. But that also doesn’t absolve her of the claims of creating a toxic work environment on her subsequent talk show.

While I get it, it’s hard out there – even, I guess, for rich and famous celebrities. So I try not to shame folks for getting that bag. But people who are already much more well off than the average person going this hard for capitalism? Makes me long for the “Lost in Translation” days where movie stars had to travel to foreign countries to make some extra scratch on the side, lest they be called a corporate shill. All I’m saying is if one more person tries to sell me wrinkle cream, I’m getting out the “Shame” bell.

Not Krashlyn, Still

So, now that it’s no longer Pride, can we talk a little shit? Like, are Ashlyn Harris and Sophia Bush (a.k.a. Not Krashlyn) having a run of bad publicity or what? First, Ashlyn gets a questionably deserved documentary made about her the *checks notes* backup goalkeeper for the 2015 and 2019 World Cup teams. Granted, they won, but they pick that lesbian above the other lesbians? And then Sophia is revealed on the creepy Dialog membership list, associated with *checks notes* uber creepy racist billionaire creep Peter Thiel. She insists she only went to two conferences and it wasn’t creepy. Anyway, just saying. They say all publicity is good publicity? But have they met judgmental sapphics? Because *low whistles in lesbian* Also, what are those outfits? Hey, it’s July – wlw critique is allowed again.

Ride On, Sarah Stallion

Let’s end on some unadulterated queer joy. Two wlw ladies who know how to have fun and how to make crowds swoon. Sure, neither is technically wearing a tank top. But halter dresses are in a gray zone, and it’s Megan Thee Stallion and Sarah Paulson. Happy last day of Pride, y’all! Have even more fun and be even gayer than these two at the Tonys. I know you can do it, kittens. I believe in you.

Music Monday: Melissa & k.d. Forever

Told ya the Gay Goes Up to Eleven in these final days of Pride. It’s hard to be more unabashedly and joyously lesbian than Melissa Etheridge and k.d. Lang dueting on “You Can Sleep While I Drive.” That it still feels radical looking back at them perform this together 32 years ago says a lot about where we are 32 years later. I wonder where we’ll all be in another 32 years. I hope, even gayer and much freer for all. Happy last Monday of Pride, kittens.

My Weekend Crush

You know what, Rosie deserves this. She looks great. She obviously feels great. She’s doing just generally great since escaping the United States. Truly, good for her. I know when she first fled I was kinda disappointed. But Rosie, and her decades-long feud with That Orange Turd, had pretty legitimate fears. And, and I cannot emphasize this enough, she was right about him ALL ALONG. I think Rosie has more than earned her flowers at this point. She got turned into a national punchline by too many for simply being a successful woman who wasn’t a Size 0 – and that was before the whole, and she’s also a big ol’ lesbo stuff. I know I’ve been a little uncharitable in the past as well. I think with fresh eyes her legacy as that other out lesbian daytime TV talk show host becomes much clearer. Please accept all these flowers as an apology for any antipathy in the past. Live your best life, and thanks for trying to warn everyone. Happy last weekend of Pride, all.