I’ll admit, somewhere toward the middle of the more than three-and-a-half affair when the German War Movie was picking up technical award after technical award, I started to worry. But Everything Everywhere was All At Once Oscars. Asian Excellence for the win! And the show went off without a single case of on-stage millionaire-on-millionaire violence. So, uh, progress?
While I thought the telecast was overall a tad dull and none of the bits landed with much more than a sensible chuckle (well, other than when Hugh Grant — who had previously given one of the most intentionally caddish red carpet interviews I’ve ever seen— rightfully compared his face to a scrotum), I was generally pretty pleased with the winners. Michelle Yeoh! Ke Huy Quan! The Daniels! Yes, I was rooting for Angela Bassett to do the thing (or perhaps for Stephanie Hsu to pull off the dark bagel upset). Yes, I’m happy for Brendan Fraser even though “The Whale” ain’t it. And what did I tell you about Sarah Polley? (She also happened to be one of the only notable female stars at the Oscars in a tuxedo, so a grateful Lesbian Nation thanks her for her service.)
Other than that, the blah beige “champagne” carpet set the style tone. Given that I watch this show every year in sweatpants and a hoodie, I really don’t have anything substantive to say other than these folks sure are nice to look at. So here are the rest of my extremely queer observations from Hollywood’s biggest night. The Good, the Gay and the SGALGG from this year’s Academy Awards.
Angela Bassett & Michelle Yeoh
This is the moment that made
the AP go Horny on Main.
And, honestly, can you blame them? Because *low whistle*
Cate Blanchett
Cate recycling her luxury hotel curtains to make an elegant drapey top for the Oscars feels like the ultimate admission that she was rooting for Michelle this whole time too.
Stephanie Hsu & Everyone Everywhere All At Once
getting hit on by Florence Pugh
getting armtime with Angela
making the edibles kick in with David Byrne
and finally getting a (loving) talking to from Mother Evelyn
Florence Pugh & Her Bed Sheets
I like Flo a lot. And I too would prefer to show up at formal events in my fitted sheet and shorts with pockets.
You also have to give her bonus points for changing into her duvet for the after party. Extra double bonus points for hitting on Daughter/Stephanie
and Mother/Michelle in the same night, too.
Sarah Polley
Honestly, I would wear exactly the same thing if I ever went to the Oscars. So the
Relatability Queen wins again.
Jessica Chastain
The only celebrity to wear a mask all evening.
Also, she got to hold hands with Halle Berry and hug Michelle Yeoh so who is the
real winner here?
The Female Torso
If the blah carpet’s signature color was
bridal white, the Vanity Fair afterparty’s theme was Gray’s Anatomy. Cause you got an anatomy lesson from all the exposed rib cages, upper abs, lower abs and bra-like offerings on display at the after parties.
And now, onto the GGALGG:
Ariane DeBose & someone’s upset husband
Janelle Monae & someone who isn’t Tessa Thompson
Tessa Thompson & Flo & the Duvet Cover
Cara Delevingne & Jamie Lee Curtis
Rebel Wilson & fiancée Ramona Agruma
Sarah Paulson & Queen Latifah
Don’t worry, Dana actually brought Eboni Nichols as her date.
Olivia Wilde, Sarah, Tracee Ellis Ross, Holland Taylor, The Queen
I don’t even know how to describe this other than some kind of Lesbian Moonie Wedding Ceremony.
Sharon Stone, Sarah, Holland, Sienna Miller & Patricia Clarkson
And then this is, obviously, the reception where they’re recruiting for more Queer Sister Wives, duh.
Still, I think the best moment from the whole night was Halle Berry, the first woman of color to ever win a Best Actress Oscar, handing the first Asian woman and second woman of color ever to win her Oscar. That and Michelle, Halle and Jessica walking off like this. Women. I sure do like us.