Music Monday: Normani & Teyana Edition

Yes, admittedly, I have to Google most of the people who perform/attend the MTV Video Music Awards these days. As an official Old, I just accept this as the natural order. So, obviously, I had to Google who Normani and Teyana Taylor were (the former is a former Fifth Harmony member, the latter also a singer though I honestly have no idea what she sang). Anyway, during the VMAs this year, Normai performed and then brought Teyana out strapped down to a convenient climbing contraption and stuff happened. (It was apparently a tribute to Janet Jackson, who did the same thing with a male counterpart, but gayer.) I have no idea if either woman is queer (though a preliminary Google search says no for both, particularly the latter who is married to a pro basketball player). But, hey, sometimes even for an Old like me, it’s just nice to look at the pretty pictures. And if they’re pretty pictures that move like that, well, who am I to stand in the way of progress. Happy Monday, kittens.

p.s. In case you want to watch the whole performance (but, again, the good stuff starts at 3:30)

Pre-L: Light (207)

Well, well, well. Has the hook-up carousel from last week stopped yet? Nope, I can still hear the music. So buckle up and let’s see where the musical chairs stop this week. Hint: If you’re betting on whether folks will snog, I’d take that bet.

1) Ah, the We-Can’t-Keep-Our-Hands-(And-Other-Stuff)-Off-Each-Other Phase.

2) And then there’s the We-Can’t-Keep-Our-Hands-(And-Other-Stuff)-Off-Each-Other Phase Version 2.0

3) I truly appreciate Finley’s commitment to that one sports bra every lesbian owns.

4) Is that hot sauce a metaphor? I think that hot sauce is a metaphor.

5) When the O.G. soft/andro butch of the show has some thoughts on your suit.

6) The meta lesbian talk show host jokes, I don’t hate ‘em.

7) I did not go to prom, nor do I fully understand promposals, but – fine – that was sweet.

8) Look, I’d hate it too if Bette Porter was my fiancée’s ex.

9) Exes and currents making awkward all over the place, what is this a lesbian bar?

10) Is there a shipper name yet? Pette? Bippa? Ugh, I’m out of practice.

11) On that same note, how about Gini in Bottle? What, I said I was out of practice.

12) Beam me up, lesbians.

13) While we’re talking about lesbian bras, I have never owned one this fancy. Ever.

14) Well, I mean, if everyone’s doing it.

15) When it’s definitely not bisexual lighting - again.

Let ‘Em Fly

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A post shared by Evan Rachel Wood (@evanrachelwood)

I’m a longtime Evan Rachel Wood fan. Like, “Thirteen” is still a legit great movie. And I’m old enough to fondly remember her as Jessie in “Once and Again.” Yeah, that was 20 years ago. Two decades later she is still bringing her talent, bravery and nuance to roles. That several of those roles have explored queer issues, coming of age and sexuality makes it all the better. And, again, if you haven’t watched “Kajillionaire” yet — OMG, stop reading right now and go watch it. So odd and so wonderful and so unexpected and so even more unexpectedly sexy.

Late last month, ERW made another bold and unequivocal statement about her thoughts on the attempted rehabilitation efforts of her ex and abuser Marilyn Manson. Kanye — possibly the only person who could make me feel sympathetic toward a Kardashian because, whew, no one should be married to this dude — brought Manson on stage with him recently because two gross things should be gross together, I guess. Naturally Evan — and hopefully every sane person who is outraged by the continuing plague of sexual assault and harassment perpetuated by the seemingly endless number of Bad Men in the world — let her feelings be known while on stage in a nonverbal but unequivocal way. While singing the New Radicals’s “You Get What You Give” she let the middle finger fly to Manson — and one would think all men who are finally facing a reckoning thanks to the #MeToo Movement, and those who have yet to pay for their transgressions as well. It’s truly the only appropriate salute for them. So raise ‘em high with Evan (the bird flies at 4:40). Because seriously, fuck that guy

Corky Was Here

If you didn’t think “The Matrix” movies were cool in the early 2000s you’re probably lying. And if you didn’t have an enduring crush on Carrie-Anne Moss as Trinity you’re definitely lying. We all did, hon, get in line. And as convoluted and possibly overly ambitious as the sequels might have become, the films were a revolution in so many ways beyond their stylized, incredibly cool aesthetic. The benefit of time and perspective allows us to see them now as the trans and queer allegories their creators the Wachowskis meant them to be.

So imagine my delight when Twitter pointed out an Easter Egg for queer fans, particularly queer female fans of those talented Wachowski siblings. In the new, highly anticipated trailer for “The Matrix Resurrections,” Lana Wachowski gave all us gay ladies a true treat. As Neo stares up at the “sky” on the streets of San Francisco a sign looms in the background. A sign for “Corky’s Massage Spa & Salon” that includes a signature labrys. (Check out that bottom right hand corner in the above screencap, kittens.)

Yes, that Corky. As in Corky & Violet. As in “Bound.” As in 1996 lesbian noir crime caper that made us all either want to be and/or be with Corky/Gina Gershon and Violet/Jennifer Tilly.

I love that even in the meta, made-up & messed-up Matrix world, the power of Corky & Violet transcends. And, obviously, Violet runs the salon — and possibly the hidden, members-only tattoo parlor in the back.

Tank Top Tuesday: Brie Edition

As we continue through this seemingly endless pandemic (thanks, unvaccinated people — I just love being held hostage by the most willfully ignorant and maliciously antagonistic people in society), may we be reminded of the power of new hobbies. Perhaps you took up baking bread these past 18 months. Or started gardening. Or, like Brie Larson, became an expert archer. Like, I know she’s Captain Marvel and all, but I could get behind a “Hunger Games” reboot. But, obviously, make it gay and include a lot more sports bras. What? She suggested it. And, of course, my feelings about sports bras being abbreviated tank tops remain unchanged. To new hobbies!

Music Monday: Doja Cat (& That Chime) Edition

If you’re A Gay and been on TikTok this year, you probably have an instinctual Pavlovian response to that little chime sound. You know the one, the singular chime in Doja Cat’s “Kiss Me More” featuring SZA. So as soon as that chime goes (at about 2:47 in the official video above) there goes our wrists. That little chime in “Kiss Me More” has become a universal symbol for Queerness, and a short (and limp) handed way to quickly out yourself to those around you.

Honestly, as A Gay, but also An Old, I mostly knew the song through the brief, specific snippets shared on Gay TikTok. Still I’ve found myself unconsciously doing the limp wrist along with the chime whenever the song comes on in the car. Sure, it’s a cute trend, but it’s also a bold reclaiming of a gesture once meant to degrade our community. Which, truly, feels great. Just like how we took back “Queer,” the limp wrist is ours. We’ve taken a smear and turned it into a joyous declaration of self. So, get those wrists ready. Here come the chime. Happy Monday, kittens.

Pre-L: Love Shack (206)

If the title doesn’t give it away, this is the episode some of this season’s long-telegraphed couples finally come into focus – some into very, very close focus indeed. (Sex, kittens, I’m talking about sex.) While the show has boardered on musical chairs with some of its friendship/benefits/more than benefits pairings a bit this season, it’s always fun to watch them move to the music – so to speak. So start the music, we’ve got some chairs to arrange.

1) Make it a drinking game and try to keep up. I dare you.

2) When the music stops and there’s definitely more than one chair missing.

3) Whodathunk these two would be the most unlucky in love so far this season, eh?

4) Like, damn, that was so cold I bet Gigi wishes she wore the whole sweater.

5) And drink! Like, probably a couple drinks to be honest.

6) And, again, drink! I did try to warn you.

7) Admittedly, when the puppy is happy it’s hard not to want to pet their cute lil head.

8) I just don’t know. Like, I like them both. But, yeah, I don’t know.

9) This, on the other hand, I definitely don’t hate.

10) Nor this, but more still as friends because, again, Shane plus doggy is my OTP.

11) No comment.

12) All the comments.

13) When you experience that “Smack My Ass Like a Drum” meme in real life.

The Happy Queer Couple

Look, I know this is basically old news. But I was on vacation. So congratulations Jacqueline Toboni for proposing (and getting a yes) from Kassandra Clementi! Mazel, queer ladies, mazel. And also I just want to say how cool it is for young queers growing up (and us older folk) to see the out queer stars of today be so out and queer and just joyfully gay in public. When “The L Word” premiered in 2004, only one of its regular cast members was out. (Love you, Leisha, the O.G.) But, just like with the Olympics, the days of the nudge-nudge, wink-wink knowing a star’s orientation while they weren’t publically out yet are also quietly fading away. Congratulations, Jacqueline and Kassandra. Now, just neither of you show up at your wedding ceremony in ripped jeans and a backwards ball cap and you are sure to enjoy a lifetime of happiness together.

St. Queer Lady Drama

And, we’re back. So what better way to return than with some messy, trippy, funny, sexy queer gal drama? The new film “The Nowhere Inn” is part concert documentary, part satirical autobiography, part exes working through their feelings – and all something gay women will likely watch and have definite opinions on.

Former lovers (sorry, I know you can’t say that unless proceeded by the word “pizza” or followed by the word “Cindi”) made a movie together about, well, themselves I think. Singer-songwriter Annie Clark/St. Vincent and her ex Carrie Brownstein of “Portlandia” and Sleater-Kinney and The Lesbian Eyeore fame made a movie together that’s a very meta look at their lives – and looks pretty funny as well. Also there’s Dakota Johnson and St. Vincent canoodling like gal pals in lingerie, as one does. So there’s that. Also, let me tell you, you can go down some queer lady rabbit holes looking about Dakota and, you know what, I’ve spent worse ways whiling away the hours.

Vacation Vixen: Padma Lakshmi

Technically I’m back today. Technically. But we all could use an extra day/Padma Lakshmi. Right? Right.

Vacation Vixen: Tessa Thompson

Tessa Thompson in this suit makes me feel things on a Monday morning. I hope they make you feel things, too. Happy Monday, kittens.

Vacation Vixen: Pre-L (205) Lobsters, Too

Now who could that be knocking on Shane’s door?

Vacation Vixen: Sandra Oh

Nothing like a little vintage Sandra Oh to start your day. I’m guessing this is late 90s, early 2000s. Also, where can I get this shirt? Seriously, I am asking for a friend and that friend is me. Also, I haven’t had a chance to watch “The Chair” yet. But I plan to wholesale consume it when I’m back. Preferably while wearing that shirt.

Vacation Vixen: Happiest Season

Fuck, it’s September already? That means in like a month – if that – we’ll start seeing Christmas and holiday junk in the stores. And then another year will have passed. And then time and its relentless march will just keep marching. Right, sorry, where was I. Oh, yes, the pits of too-early holiday despair. Well one thing I don’t despair about is a planned annual rewatch of “The Happiest Season.” Now, just like life, the movie wasn’t perfect. Yes, I know, it was about coming about again. But, thinking back even 10 years ago, the thought of having such a high-profile out actress in such a high-profile out role in a freaking holiday movie about lesbians seemed inconceivable. Also 10 years ago we couldn’t get married. Anyway, happy September!