Oscar GGALGG(BBTWTTO)

So, let’s just be honest, those Oscars were pretty straight. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Kinda. But I’m pretty sure the live telecast featured zero – at least by my count – live lesbians. Yeah, sure, they featured Jane Lynch in a pre-recorded joke ad for the future YouTube Academy Awards (which is a real thing, by the way, hello 2029). And, OK, fine – Barbra Streisand showed up and sang. So there’s that. But I don’t think the camera ever panned to Oscar-nominated Tig Notaro once (admittedly, I could have missed a split-second shot, but I don’t think I did.) So I will rectify that by featuring the sapphics of the red carpet. So welcome to Gay Gals Acting Like Gay Gals By Bringing Their Wives to the Oscars (GGALGGBBTWTTO, duh)

Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne

So they didn’t take home the best doc Oscar for “Come See Me In the Good Light,” but what lesbian couple wants a shiny naked man in their bedroom anyway?

Brandi Carlile & Catherine Carlile

Brandi’s suit is very Captain von Trapp and I’m into it.

Abby Wambach & Glennon Doyle

I wish Abby had a tie, but bonus points for the pins. (And, of course, the bag.)

Robby Hoffman & Gabby Windey

Girls really do just love funny little guys*. (*As a Gen Xer, I reserve the right to use guys in a non-gendered way courtesy “The Electric Company” forever)

Sarah Paulson & Holland Taylor

Fine, they aren’t married that we know about. Which, come on Sarah, put a ring on that.

Auli'i Cravalho

Fine, I had to give you at least one single lady. Not that there aren’t legions of age-appropriate wlws clamouring to wife her up.

p.s. I was rooting for “Sinners,” and all I can say about “One Battle After Another” having a big night is that I’m very happy for Maya Rudloph. Oh, and I’m happy Sean Penn didn’t want to attend.

p.p.s. I thought the show was overall pretty good, Conan landed some magnificent hits, and Amy Madigan and Ed Harris are a reminder that straights can have good marriages too.

Music Monday: Owned By Anne

Wait, I’m realizing some of you may not have seen Anne Hathaway totally own Kelly Clarkson at her own game – and with her own song. What a delight from a simpler time (2022) back when movies about scamming billionaires seemed more quaint than the metaphorical locusts of our christofascist capitalist hellscape endtimes. But, yeah, this was cute. Ah, simpler times. Happy Monday, kittens.

My Weekend Movie Trailer Crush

Wow, the more I see of “Montreal, Ma Belle” the more I want to see itt, so I think that’s a pretty good sign. The drama features Joan Chen playing “a Chinese Canadian immigrant wife and mother living in Montreal, Quebec, who embarks on a journey of self-discovery when she meets and falls in love with Camille (Charlotte Aubin), a free-spirited younger woman.” And because the teaser trailer didn’t have any dialogue, I didn’t fully realize that the whole movie was in French. Yes, The Joan Chen speaking French. I mean, oui oui. I have always loved Joan Chen, from “Twin Peaks” to “Wild Side” and “Saving Face” to “The Wedding Banquet.” But we really feast when she once again gets to play gay (which, by my count, was last more than 20 years ago). Encore! Encore! Happy weekend, all.

Burial Beats

Fine, I kind of dig this song. Like, could Anne Hathaway's single "Burial" from her new film “Mother Mary” be a banger? You know, the movie where she plays a pop diva reuniting with her former fashion designer lover played by Michaela Coel. I appreciate the ethereal Lady Gaga schtick her character has got going on. Though, could we expect less from the Ultimate Theater Kid Anne “Les Miserables, Wrecking Ball and beating Kelly Clarkson at Kellyoke with her own song” Hathaway? No, you could not. Truly, the only thing I wish is that all these teaser and trailers showed Anne and Michaela being more gay together. More! Gay! Together! Now that, that’s truly, that’s my favorite song.

Lesbian Rocky

Did you know Wanda Sykes is in a sports drama as a butch queer former boxing champ and recovering alcoholic? Yeah, neither did I. But there she is, in her first big dramatic role, wearing sleeveless muscle shirts and giving her estranged son the full Rocky treatment. Apparently Wanda’s character also gets to romance a hot tattoo artist. All that, plus she’s already way hotter than Cus D'Amato. Get it, Wanda. Cue “Lesbian Eye of the Tiger!”

Tank Top Mea Culpa

Whoops, this Tuesday got away from me. Here is Katy O’Brian in yet another tank top. All forgiven?

Music Monday: The Story

Since I’m humming Brandi Carlile tunes anyway today, and I went down a lesbians on TV rabbit hole thanks to Willow and Tara, how about the perfect musical combo this Monday. Remember when Arizona proposed to Callie on the way to a weekend getaway and then they were in a terrible car crash which left Callie in a coma which she sang herself out of through the healing power of the lesbian singer-songwriter’s power ballad? And it was an entire musical episode? Yeah, that aired 15 years ago this month. Happy Monday, all.

My Weekend Crush

Can you believe it’s been 25 years since Willow and Tara first kissed on screen. Do you remember the episode? A week ago marks the anniversary of the release of arguably the best “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” episode ever, “The Body.” Yes, our two favorite witches finally kissed in the same episode where Buffy’s mom died, which aired Feb. 27, 2001. I know, my knees crack just thinking about how long ago that was.

But, as a dedicated fan (stan before stanning was a thing), I remember so clearly how momentous that moment felt. This was three years before “The L Word” premiered. Eight years before “Glee” was a gay twinkle in anyone’s eyes. And 14 years before same-sex marriage became legal in America. Before Callie and Arizona, before Bo and Lauren, before the entire casts of “Pretty Little Liars,” and “Orange Is the New Black” and “Wynonna Earp.”

Before all of that, there was Willow and Tara. Sure, Joss may have been revealed to be just another disappointing man. But the story of Willow and Tara, it will always matter regardless of him. It matters because of us. And if there are any of my OG Kitten Boarders out there, stay strong like an amazon. Happy 25 years to us. Happy weekend, all.

Jean v. Gillian

As if we needed more reason to be excited about “Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma!,” but it has ignited a probably parasocial, definitely enjoyable heated rivalry between Gillian Anderson and Jean Smart for Hannah Einbinder’s affections. Like, when Hannah posted a picture of Jean in a jaunty beret with a sexy martini, Gillian had to respond with her own French twist - yes, towel beret and grape olive and all. Seriously, please, more of this. We need it. The world needs this. I did not have Gillian Anderson and Jean Smart battle to be drawn like one of Hannah Einbinder’s French girls on my 2026 bingo card, but I will most definitely take it. Gillian, Gillian, I was unfamiliar with your towel game.

Mothers Mothering

I half watched the Actors last weekend. And it had some nice moments. The lovely posthumous acceptance/tribute to Catherine O’Hara. Harrison Ford’s humble, empathetic Lifetime acceptance speech. I’d like to note that it’s a small point of pride that I picked one of the better straight white men as my movie idols from the very start. That’s my Han Solo/Indiana Jones.

Still, because, I have to make it gay somehow, I thought I’d instead comment on these pictures of Connor Storrie being anointed by these Sapphics-Approved Mothers. The “Heated Rivalry” star is fresh off hosting SNL and then this happens? Kathryn Hahn and Sarah Paulson give you their blessing on the same night?

Also, doesn’t the picture with Sarah look like she is an immortal vampire queen and he is her hand-selected son who she sends out into the night to seduce men and women alike, but only to bring the tastiest women back to her for…reasons. You know, just as a suggestion. Meanwhile Kathryn looks like she’s his proud drama teacher. Look, everyone has different fantasy sequences in their heads.

Camp Time

Do I know what’s happening? No? Do I care that I don’t know what’s happening? Also no. I do know that Gillian Anderson and Hannah Einbinder are gonna get weird together in “Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma!.” And that’s good enough for me.

Actually, that’s a lie. I also know that the movie’s queer, trans, nonbinary creator Jane Schoenbrun also directed my favorite film from 2024, “I Saw the TV Glow.” Also, I know it stars Eva Victor (who I love, love, loved in last year’s quiet “Sorry, Baby”) in a mohawk and leather.

I also assume that Gillian is playing the original final girl turned reclusive actress behind the hit “Camp Miasma” slasher franchise which now years later is being resurrected by an “enthusiastic young director” played by Hannah. I’m assuming the weird shit we can’t yet explain from the trailer is the “blood-soaked world of desire, fear, and delirium” they find themselves falling into.

So, to recap: Gillian. Hannah. Eva. A kickass director. DELRIUM.

Heck, I don’t even care that it’s about slasher horror films, which has historically been one of my least favorite film genres. Let’s get weird.

Music Monday: Joke's On Them

I’m going to see Brandi this weekend. This will be my second time seeing her, but my first since she became BRANDI FREAKING CARLILE. So, you know, that’ll be fun. I also hope that she plays “The Joke” and continues to dedicate it to the U.S. Women’s Hockey Team. Because, damn, do they deserve it. Happy Monday, kittens.

My Weekend Crush

I always, always love the Olympics. But this year, the event (despite its many, many flaws from ongoing corruption, exorbitant expenses, environmental impacts, et al) came at perhaps the perfect time. For a nation like ours that is so fiercely and feverishly divided, the Olympics was a hopeful reminder of what makes us really great. No, obviously not that rah-rah jingoism of bald eagle screeches and whatever the fuck Kash Patel was doing in the Team USA men’s hockey lockeroom. But the big-hearted, big-dreamers who care about and cheer for each other.

The version of America that most of the athletes of the 2026 Winter Games showed was that of empathy, grace, compassion and most importantly concern for their fellow athletes. I’ve never seen a more genuinely caring figure skating Olympic competition. Like this is the same contest where in the past one athlete ordered a hit on another athlete, FROM THE SAME TEAM. I’ve never heard more athletes talk openly about the toll Olympic pressure puts on their mental health. Or what success means outside of winning medals. And, of course, I’m heartened despite the horrid backlash they’ve endured that so many of Team USA also have spoken out about what is happening in this country. More of that, from more athletes and everyone else, all the time and not just every four years, please.

This year’s Olympics were also a reminder for me about how much I despise all the unchecked AI being thrust into our lives. I can’t help but believe it’s true intent is – besides, of course, getting rid of all those pesky higher-paying white collar jobs so the oligarchs can buy more private sex islands and megayachts – is to rob us of the wonder of humanity. So with each picture, each video, each given “fact” we have to ask, “But is it real or AI”?

Honestly, when I look at any of the magnificent photography coming out of this year’s Olympics, I see why I will never accept AI art. A whole industry just to recreate and reorder reality. Yet the beauty of human emotions doesn’t need enhancement. We’re doing it every day. Look at Alysa Liu's face. The JOY. All that, and it’s also destroying the planet. So, truly, truly fuck off, AI. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. Credit to the human photographers Matthew Stockman/Getty (top) and Christophe Ena/AP (bottom).

Gender Fuck Thursday of a Certain Age

Someone called me “creepy” for noting that Amber Glenn, who is a 26-year-old fully adult woman, is hot. Which, I might add, could just be empirical fact. Regardless, I would like to comfort those who are concerned about my moral compass, that I would never actually initiate any real-world romantic relationships with someone approximately half my age. Nor do I want to. But, also, I have eyes that work – and I’m not dead. Anyway, to not offend anyone’s sensibilities – delicate or otherwise – how about some Gender Fuck Thursday of a Certain Age? All these women are well within an appropriate age bracket for a Gen Xer who keeps throwing those AARP invitations in the trash.

Suranne Jones, 47

It’s the manspreading for me.

Tracy Chapman, 61

Boy, I wish she would play publicly more so I could objectify the shit out of her…talent.

Cate Blanchett, 56

I’ve never pulled off a velvet suit this well at any age.

Jodie Foster, 63

Granted, I might be on the edge of youngish for Jodie depending on her May-December tolerance. Which clearly would be the only thing holding us back and not the fact that she’s already married and also Jodie Foster.

Jenna Lyons, 57

I wish she was still with J.Crew, because as a Gen Xer I still have major residual nostalgia about that brand and its catalogue.

Regina King, 55

I’m pretty sure I can’t pull off an orange suit either, regardless of age.

Lena Headey, 52

I’ll always have a thing for age-appropriate florists thanks to her.

Cynthia Nixon, 59; Carrie Coon, 45; Christine Baranski, 73

Yes, I know Louisa Jacobson (34) and Taissa Farmiga (31) are just sweet baby angel children, so please accept the reverse 20+year age gap with Christine as my mea culpa.

p.s. In case further apology is needed, please accept this with my most sincere age-appropriate feelings (just put your thumb over 38-year-old Karen Gillan’s face if necessary) as everyone else is 50+.