Vacation Vixen: Gunpowder Milkshake

As promised, I watched “Gunpowder Milkshake” basically as soon as it came out. And while it has flaws and isn’t a perfect movie, I did greatly enjoy it’s moxie and matriarchal assassin society. Plus, goodness, you can’t beat that cast. I mean, you can beat them, but these ladies beat right back and then some. While the story is a bit Lady John Wick-ish, honestly it’s just refreshing to have women continue to enter the male-dominated action world and kick all kinds of ass. And, I mentioned the cast, right? Lena, Karen, Angela, Michelle, Carla. Yeah, gimme a movie filled with unbelievably talented women and point them at something to attack and I’m yours for two hours.

p.s. Had to add one more picture because I mean, look at them.

Vacation Vixen: Brandi Carlile

No Music Mondays while on vacay. But there can be musicians. And if they’re wearing a three-piece suit and sing like Brandi Carlile, all the damn better. Happy Monday, kittens.

Vacation Vixen: Pre-L (204) Lake House

So, I won’t have time for full Pre-L pre-caps during my vacation (mostly because I got the screeners a little late). But I will provide one screencap from each because I love you and I want you to be happy. Back in full-force (screeners permitting) when I’m back, kittens. Until then, enjoy all the talking, laughing, loving, breathing, fighting, fucking, crying, drinking, riding, winning, losing, cheating, kissing, thinking, and dreaming without me. Sophie sure seems to be.

Vacation Vixen: Cate & Gillian

Guess what? I’m probably on an airplane right now. I know, THE HORROR. After two years, I’m finally flying home to see my family. It’s been a long-ass pandemic that’s for sure and just when we think the end is in sight, well. Yeah. Anyway, as always, in my absence I will not leave you high and so dry. So here come the Vacation Vixens. I couldn’t decide for the first one, so you get Cate Blanchett and Gillian Anderson in crisp white shirts with suspenders. What can I say? I’m a giver. See you on the other side. And if anyone gets duct-taped to their seat during my flight, trust me, I’ll share. Happy vacation, keep wearing a mask indoors and get vaccinated, all.

Xena & Gabrielle Redux

Remember when we had to nudge-nudge, wink-wink our way to credible lesbian content? Well, the queen of the gay-but-not-gay-but-definitely-gay shows of that era was, of course, “Xena: Warrior Princess.” I distinctly remember an episode where Xena threw fish at Gabrielle’s face. Fish. At. Her. Face. Anyway, if you like me have warm memories of that intentionally silly (and I mean that with love) show you’ll be pleased to know Xena and Gabrielle will be reuniting, sorta, on Lucy Lawless’s new murder-mystery crime show “My Life is Murder.”

Renee O’Connor will guest star on the new season of the Australian show. I haven’t watched any episodes, as I don’t have Acorn TV or live in Australia. But I’ve seen Lucy in action as a crime fighter before (hello, who killed Jenny again) and I’m happy to see her back giving baddies hell. Now if only they have her throw a killer Frisbee at a suspect, well, our late 90s dreams will be fulfilled. And if she felt like throwing some more “fish,” yeah, I’m also OK with that. Yep, still got it.

Out Developments

Right, I may have calmed down a little from last week (also because I’m about to go on vacation). So how about we get maybe possibly future excited for some new projects that hopefully (maybe, hopefully) will bring us some new queer lady stories. Development and casting news has come out about a two new premium networks shows in particular that have queer potential.

The first is the HBO adaptation of the videogame series “Last of Us.” Now, I’m not a gamer. But even I know that the “Last of Us” franchise features prominent female queer characters. Maybe it was the Ellie and Dina gifs all over my timeline when it came out a that tipped me off. I also know things don’t really get gay until the game’s sequel, Part II. So I don’t know what we can expect on the queer front from the new HBO series based on the apocalyptic video game. But, for once when referring to a show about a video game, I’d love if they kept it close to the source material.

What I do know is that they’ve cast “Fringe”/”Mindhunter” start Anna Torv in a key role as smuggler Tess and “Game of Throne” badass Bella Ramsey in the even keyer (whatever, it’s a pandemic still, who grammars) Ellie! You might remember Bella Lyanna Mormont, the tiny warrior nobleswoman of Bear Island. I know I might be grasping at tiny little gay straws here, but I feel like they could definitely Make It Gay™, like the original videogame story. Or, why stop there, with Anna in the show please Make It Gayer™. But then I say that about everything. Game on, queers.

The second new development that immediately had my gay lady ears perked up is the adaptation of the No. 1 bestselling nonfiction book “Three Women.” Shailene Woodley has been attached to star in the new Showtime series. As soon as I heard the premise for “Three Women,” I knew there would be some queer up in there.

Described as “an intimate, haunting portrayal of American female desire, three women are on a crash course to radically overturn their lives.” The character of Sloane is particular is described as “a successful restaurant owner in an exclusive enclave of the Northeast, is happily married to a man who likes to watch her have sex with other men and women.”

Yeah, I dunno how hopeful to get about that since I have not read the book it was based on. But, I’d be interested to see who they cast as Sloane. Woodley is playing the writer character in the series adaptation, so I’d field any suggestions.

Music Monday: Girls5Eva Again

Remember I also told you to watch “Girls5Eva,” like a couple times? Well, you should because it has songs like this. And if this delightful little number doesn’t convince you’re all suffering from PTSD caused by the incessant feminist dystopia called 1990s pop, well nothing will. Happy Monday, kittens.

Pre-L: Luck Be a Lady (203)

Well, they certainly aren’t letting go of the poker theme anytime soon. Though I am glad no animals have been kidnapped or persons drowned in a pool. Yet. Let’s go, lesbians, let’s go. It’s another week of Pre-L pre-caps. And here the house always wins.

1) Seeing Angelica all grown up with asymmetrical eye shadow makes me feel very, very extremely totally old.

2) This is for the Sinley shippers out there.

3) When she uses “The G Word” out of the blue.

4) When you haven’t art-gasmed in a while, and are long overdue.

5) Finley plus pizza is officially my ship.

6) Though, admittedly, pizza should be everyone’s OTP

7) Embarrassing Gay Aunties Level Achieved: 100

8) They grow up so fast.

9) Is “The L Word” going Brokeback redundant?

10) Seriously, I am again asking, is shirt collars on top of lapels a thing again? Also shiny shirts? Can anyone confirm?

11) If Gigi gets more than Shane this season, well, I’m OK with that.

12) Whereas poor Alice, well, there’s always alcohol.

13) Now this is the kind of dogs playing poker painting I’d hang up in my living room.

14) In my mind, she’s busy ripping new assholes into anti-vaxxers on Facebook.

15) When it’s not just bisexual lighting.

Kick-Ass Kate

Right, OK, so fine. I might have some untapped anger issues I’m avoiding this week. You know, it’s still a man’s world and a pandemic and all. But, every now and then, it’s not at the movies. I took great pleasure in the trailer for the new Netflix film “Kate,” which looks a bit like a John Wick-ish revenge thriller but with a female assassin and her hot neon pink muscle car. Plus, there’s a spunky female sidekick. So, I mean, it’s gotta ace Bechdel, right? And I thought “Atomic Blonde” was pretty fantastic (well, except for the Dead Lesbian Syndrome).

But what I really love is seeing Mary Elizabeth Winstead tap her inner rage. We saw her do it to more comedic, but still badass effect in “Bird of Prey” (which, again, I loved – go watch it again!). But here, damn, does she go HAM. And I can’t wait. So Hollywood types take note, female rage in an untapped well of ideas. Ass-kicking, rage-filled assassins? Sure. But have you every considered the quiet rage of a suburban housewife with a husband who calls watching his own children “babysitting” instead of “parenting?” Yeah, endless possibilities for cinematic female rage await. I’ll bring the popcorn and the slow, continuous seething anger.

Movies About Women Starring Men

I’ll start off by acknowledging I have not seen either of these films, I have no idea if they’re any good and am not privy to the details of their development. What I do know is these are both movies based on very, very famous women’s stories and instead of centering these very famous women, they center men — specifically their fathers.

The first is “Stillwwater,” the Matt Damon movie ripped from the Amanda Knox headlines about an American exchange student who gets wrongfully convicted of a murder and the father who tries to exhonerate her. The second is “King Richard,” the Will Smith movie that ostensibly tells the Venus and Serena Williams story as told through the lens of their father.

When I saw the trailers for both I immediately thought these movies should be about and center these women, but also immediately knew they only got greenlit because Matt Damon and Will Smith are big-name male movie stars. And big-name male movie stars are what Hollywood loves to sell most. Could they have gotten big-name female movie stars for these films? Of course (though, admittedly a little tricker for Venus and Serena because racism/sexism and all that horrible gravy). But they exist because men thought men should tell the stories of these three women. Sigh. You start to see why maybe we’d fantasize about the “Y: The Last Man” scenario.

Again, both these films might be really good. And, I get that Richard Williams was an incredibly important and influential force in Venus and Serena’s lives. But would you ever, in your wildest dreams, see a movie made about Tom Brady where they cast Sandra Bullock as his mom, called it “Mrs. Brady,” and then centered her instead of him, would you? (Though, if the football player is Black, they already made that movie. It’s called “The Blind Side.” Because, you know, that’s the other thing Hollywood likes to do most. Take POC stories and make them about white folks instead.) Anyway, one day famous/infamous women will get to tell their own stories. Today is not that day.

This Is One Man's World

Well now, if this doesn’t pass the Bechdel Test then I give up. At first glance the new series “Y: The Last Man” may seem like the ultimate lesbian wish fulfilment. (Kidding, we don’t want to kill ALL the men, we just want ALL the men to treat us equally! Alas.) But hopefully what it is is a fantastic showcase for what looks like an amazing cast of female actors: Diane Lane, Olivia Thirlby, Amber Tamblyn, Ashley Romans (who played gay in “Shameless”) and more. And it’s also been confirmed that trans men will be a part of the show, which is great. Also, in a world devoid of all but one dude, you have to think lesbianism will start to look like an appealing option. Just sayin’. I haven’t read the graphic novels on which this new TV adaptation is based, but I have hopes this could be like a lady-led “Walking Dead.” Like maybe it’s a post-apocalyptic world where for once we don’t have to still smash the patriarchy. (Kidding, we all know women internalize the patriarchy and its protection, particularly white women!). Though, and this is an admittedly small quibble, even in a world basically devoid of men, we still find a way to center that one singular guy and make the whole title of the show about him. Some things never change.

Music Monday: Lady Parts Edition

Remember when I said you should watch “We Are lady Parts?” Well? Huh? Have you? Well, if you still haven’t (or if you want this most excellent punk anthem stuck in your head again), please enjoy “Bashir With the Good Beard.” Seriously, you should go watch this show. Happy Monday, kittens.

Pre-L: Lean on Me (S202)

Well, they shouldn’t be that shocked. It’s not like this is this group’s first ruined wedding or anything. But, goodness, was that some cringe to start a season or what? Anyway, let’s see where the bad decisions train takes us. Next stop? Geez, with this group? Who knows.

1) That look means things are going well, right?

2) Somewhere, Carmen is laughing.

3) The more things change, the more Shane’s hair stays the same.

4) When you thought black-tie optional was really an option.

5) Heart-eyes emojis forever at Sophie’s family for taking home all the wedding food.

6) This house always wins.

7) I’m totally here for Alice slowly morphing into Edna from “The Incredibles.”

8) Donald! *involuntary gagging* Sorry, I’m happy about him being on the show but that name still gives me instant PTSD.

9) A little on the nose about Finley’s maturity level, but I’ll take it.

10) Who wins when two power tops get together? The audience.

11) I like this “friendship,” and I want to see more of it.

12) I have this mug. It’s nice to drink from. That is all.

13) Wait, are we really wearing our collars outside of the blazers lapels again, ladies? Seriously, is this back? I did not get the memo. Who do I need to contact about this? I have concerns.

14) I also like this friendship (but without the quote marks, I think, though clearly not opposed to with the quote marks), and I want to see more of it.

15) Some couples don’t know when to break up.

16) Some couples do.

17) No comment.

So, thoughts on the season so far? I hope they make Faison’s character a good guy, and not another Agent of Chaos. We have enough of those. More than enough.

Don't Fear the Lesbians

Since yesterday was all about television, today will be about movies (though, considering every film I’ve watched in the last year and a half has been from my couch on my TV, the line is blurry — but I digress). So I’ve already gone on record repeatedly talking about how much I dislike horror movies. Slasher/Pain pics are my least favorite varieties of the genre. So I wasn’t all that thrilled to watch Netflix’s “Fear Street” trilogy. The three-part horror franchise is set in three different years - Part 1 1994, Part II 1979 and Part III 1666.

Honestly, the best thing about the trilogy and what truly makes it any different than any other teenage horrors flick is its centering of queer characters Deena and Sam (played by Kiana Madeira and Hannah Miller through the ages). Just like in “Army of the Dead,” the decision to tweak the story away our unfortunate cultural default of straight white and instead give out lesbian/queer characters (and in Tig’s case out lesbian performers) a chance to shine and see themselves as heroes just makes it so much more interesting.

And, again honestly, it’s just smart business. I would have never watched any of “Fear Street” had it been a conventional movie about a bunch of straight teenagers getting sliced and diced. But if you include people and populations unfamiliar with seem themselves as the lead character (ah, secondary character roles, how we know you all too well), it gets us interested. We become invested. It means something to us.

As always, representation matters because no one is a secondary character in their own life. We all deserve to see our stories told, and see ourselves in every situation — even scary ones.

As for the movies themselves, well Part I was mostly just perfunctory mythology building, while Part II was mostly an excuse to murder a bunch of teens. But Part III, well, that’s where things got interesting and for all its flaws and occasional horror clutches (like you name someone Goode, uh, we see what you’re doing there), I thought the final film actually tied it together nicely.

And [SPOILER ALERT: I’m about to give away the whole ending so you have been warned. Stop reading now. Now! I mean it. NOW.] the lesbians live! I mean, not the old-timey ones. But our 90s ladies, they’re our final gay girls for sure. And they stay together (indeed, their love spans centuries and drives the entire narrative which honestly is so wonderful). A happy ending for queer women in a horror film? Yeah, I watched that — sure, occasionally through a pillow and clenched shut eyes, but I watched dammit

What to Watch: Queer Lady TV Binge

So the Olympics, and all its tank tops, are over. What is a queer gal to watch now? Well, luckily, I’ve made it my (sorta) mission to watch all the new, female-fronted ensemble original series being put out right now, particularly those with queer characters/cast. No, I obviously haven’t watched them all. But, honestly, I’ve watched a lot this year. And I’m here with some recommendations because you can’t have enough shows by and about women, especially queer women.

“Hacks,” HBO Max: My love for Jean Smart and this show is well documented. If you like Jean Smart and smart, sometimes caustic women working hard to be in control of their own destinies in an unforgiving industry — this is the show for you. Also Ava/Hannah Einbinder is out and bi on the show and in real life. Definitely watch, even if the ending left us on a fairly predictable cliffhanger.

“Girls5Eva,” Peacock: I’ve also already loved all over this show. But the wonderfully chaotic comedy energy of the series, not to mention it’s spot-on satire and hilariously earworn worthy songs make it an easy weekend binge. Plus Paula Pell could not be any gayers as former “Tomboy” of their girl group.

“We Are Lady Parts,” Peacock: You’ll find hilarious, adorable nerd energy and wonderful, diverse casting in this funny and liberating look at a group of disparate young Muslim women who come together to play in a punk rock band. While I’m still waiting for frontwman Amina/Anjana Vasan to become the breakout angry rebellious queer lady heartthrob she was clearly meant to be, you’ll get the warm fuzzies from drummer Ayesha/Juliette Motamed’s unexpected crush.

“Betty,” HBO Max: Now, I haven’t started the second season, having just binge devoured the first season. But from what I have seen so far if you’re looking for a chill show that’s all vibes, occasional plot, this is for you. (And, the second half of the season does rev up the narrative drive more.) Real-life skaters were cast as the show’s female ensemble cast about a group of young women skaters who become friends while navigating the dude-heavy culture of skating. Plus, more than one out queer character! Like kinda a bunch. Which means you get to pick your type. Say, if flirty labrador retriever stoner types are your thing, you’ve got Kirt/Nina Moran. If artsy, shy types are your weakness, goodness will you be into Honeybear/Kabrina Adams. And again, I’ve only watched the first season. And, truly, I am thrilled there is a second. Because it is good, but also because I feel pretty confident more Totally Gay Shit will go down.

“Harley Quinn,” HBO Max: Yes, this is an animated series. Yes, it’s extremely violent. But, honestly, Harley Quinn may be my favorite female superhero/anti-hero/badass. I truly, truly loved the freewheeling kinetic energy of the “Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn)” movie. So fun and so smart and so well done nad did I mention fun? And while the animated series may seem like a bit of a pastiche of the movie, it’s truly its own weird and oddly wonderful grown-up beast (like, this is NOT a kiddie cartoon folks). And it’s gay! Harley is so queer, and so queer for Poison Ivy and, well, I won’t spoil it. But you’re gonna like the end of Season 2. (Yes, that’s my only grumble is it takes us two damns seasons to get there.)

Tank Top Tuesday: Queer Olympics Edition

Oh, you thought the Olympics were over? Well they’ll live forever in my heart. And because this year’s historic number of out LGBTQ+ athletes made it too much to chronicle each one, I will give additional special shout outs to some of the out non-medal winners for their valiant tank topping in Tokyo. A grateful nation of queer women thanks you. Showing up (in a tank top) is winning in itself.

Erica Bougard, USA, Heptathlon

Like, I can’t do one sport right. She can do seven. In a tank top. Looking like a damn renaissance painting. Whew.

Irish Magno, Philippines, Boxing

I’d like to thank boxing for making contestants wear tank tops. That is all. (Irish in red)

Melanie Henique, France, Swimming

I’ve long maintained swimsuits are just tank tops that don’t know when to quit. I stand by my decision.

Samantha Stosur, Australia, Tennis

I’ve long maintained skirts are silly and sexist for tennis players. But I will praise the tank tops. (Samantha on left right)

Rut Castillo, Mexico, Rhythmic Gymnastic

Rut is the only out Mexican-born Olympic athlete competing this year. Her tattoo says “liberty.” Also, leotards are dry-land swimsuits that don’t know when to quit, hence are also tank tops.

Rowie Webster, Australia, Water Polo

See: Swimsuit Rule. Also, the helmet somehow sets off the tank nicely.

Rachele Bruni, Italy, Marathon Swimming

So you can’t really see the tank/swimsuit, but you can see her arm. So, you’re welcome.

Kayla Miracle, USA, Wrestling

Yes, obviously, a singlet counts. I will not be taking additional questions at this time.

Michelle-Lee Ahye, Trinidad & Tobago, Track & Field

I can’t tell if this is a singlet or not, but either way it counts.

Annie Guglia, Canada, Skateboarding

I LOVED the inclusion of skateboarding these Games. And if you watched the women’s competition, you’ll have seen perhaps the best example of sportsmanship and rooting for each other I’ve ever seen at the Olympics. Also, there were a few tank tops.

Laurel Hubbard, New Zealand, Weightlifting

Laurel was the first out transgender atheletes to compete in the Olympics. And while she didn’t medal, her presence was historic and hopefully goes a long way toward dispelling the myth of unfair advantages for trans athletes.

Paola Egonu, Italy, Volleyball

This photo is helping me get over my trauma of painful volleyball gym sessions and red wrists.

Senni Salminen, Finland, Triple Jump

Senni competed alongside fellow out contestant and eventual Gold medalist/World Record setter Yulimar Rojas, coming in sixth. So hopefully they shared a secret handshake afterward together.

Rashida Ellis, USA, Boxing

I didn’t watch any of the women’s boxing this year and I’m starting to feel like that was a mistake. (Rashida in red)

Meghan O’Leary & Ellen Tomek, USA, Rowing

I am eternally grateful that most rowers wear tank tops. (Meghan & Ellen front two)

Kendall Chase, USA, Rowing

No, Kendall didn’t end up medaling either. No U.S. women’s (or men’s) rowers. But, as always we appreciate the effort and tank tops. (Kendall center)

Ann Wauters (12), Marjorie Carpréaux (9), Kim Mestdagh (5), Belgium, Basketball

Only the USA has more out women’s basketball stars, at 5, compared to Belgium’s four. (Not Pictured: Julie Allemand, also super gay)

Alison van Uytvanck, Belgium, Tennis

To make up for missing one of Belgium’s best above, here’s one for the Belgian ginger lovers.

Caitlin Rooskrantz, South Africa, Gymnastics

Again, I will not stand for leotard tank top erasure.

Aoife Cooke, Ireland, Marathon

I just hope they have Olympic-level sunscreen at these events for these athletes in the infernal heat. Think of the Irish athletes, please.

Geisa Arcanjo, Brazil, Shot Put

Geisa competed alongside Raven. So, hopefully, they shared the out Olympians handshake, too. Or better yet, an out Olympians booty shake because they’re all winners in my book.

Silvana Lima, Brazil. Surfing

Surfing was added to the schedule this year and I should have watched surfing on the schedule this year. Regrets, I have some. At least there are pictures.

My apologies to all the out Olympians whose team uniforms aren’t tank tops and didn’t make the collection. Though, obviously, if any would like to send me pictures of themselves in tank tops I will happy include you for purely scientific reasons. Cheers, Team Rainbow. You did us all proud.