Vacation Vixen: Kristin Scott Thomas

Does it look a little like Kristin Scott Thomas skinned Gritty and made him into a fabulous coat? Yes. Do I care? No. I mean, Gritty should feel honored to grace those shoulders. And be under that hair. Also, I’m not really on vacation. But I have a work conference this week still the end result for you is the same. Some lovely, lovely vixens. Don’t worry, they’re not all big game hunters like KST.

My Weekend Crush

In honor of Kritsin Scott Thomas’s directorial debut (a.k.a. The film that cast Scarlett Johansson and Freida Pinto as lesbians), how about some long-overdue KST love. Now I’ve been a fan for years (truly, years). Honestly it’s ever since she admitted to being “a lesbian once in school” in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” that I know KST was a real one. And how could you not fall for her all over again as a menopausal lesbian woman in business on “Fleabag.” So I hope her new film “My Mother’s Wedding” is as lovely as she is. And thanks, regardless, for the Scarlett and Freida pairing. Also did I mention KST is 65? *low whistle* Happy weekend, all.

It Is Horrendous, But Then It's Magnificent

You know what, I think I didn’t give Kristin Scott Thomas in Fleabag its proper icon status yesterday when discussing her new directorial debut. I’ve been a longtime KST lover, since “Four Weddings,” heck since “Bitter Moon” (hello, her and Emmanuelle Seigner in bed together *makes purring sound*). And of course, who didn’t swoon over her in “The English Patient.” But unquestionably her most memorable (while simultaneously shortest) lesbian role was as Best Woman in Business Belinda Friers in Fleabag. Her monologue to Phoebe Waller-Bridge? Yeah, let’s relive that one again. As a perimenopausal woman it gives me hope. And it’s a good reminder to, if the chance arises, you should probably snog Kristin Scott Thomas.

A Not Gay, But Still Gay Wedding

Wait, I thought Pride was last month. But here it is, a movie where Scarlett Johansson and Freida Pinto play a lesbian couple. Maybe the good straights are atoning for the bad ones, and this is their mea culpa. Whatever the reason, I’ll take it. “My Mother’s Wedding” is the directorial debut of Kristin Scott Thomas, who lesbians with long memories like me will remember as “a lesbian once in school” in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” and was a full-time lesbian in business in “Fleabag.” It stars ScarJo, Sienna Miller and Emily Beecham as the three daughters whose mother is getting married. I get some "Happpiest Season" vibes form the sister dynamic from the trailer, down to the one lesbian sister. And did I mention Scarlett is said sister here as a British naval officer AND Freida is her girlfriend? Look, does it bode well for this film that it took almost two years to get released and it still isn’t coming to theaters until August 8? Not necessarily. But Scarlett and Freida are lesbianing together in it, so I’ll wait as long as it takes – which, in all likelihood, is whenever it gets sent to whatever streamer I’m already paying for. What? That’s usually only a couple months, tops, these days. I’m impatient, but also frugal. Even for lesbian ScarJo.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Female Excellence Edition

A new year is a new chance to shine light on deserving women. So let’s start off 2020 with a by no means comprehensive list of excellent women whose excellence I would like to see a lot more of on the large and small screen – and really all over – this year. Now wouldn't that be most excellent? And, if I may, a gentle plea to put them on the screen wearing suits. Just saying, they all know how excellent they look wearing them.

Saoirse Ronan

She was excellent as Jo in “Little Women,” but then she is excellent in everything.

Awkwafina

She was excellent in “The Farewell,” and I am soooo looking forward to “Nora from Queens.”

Kristin Scott Thomas

She was excellent as a lesbian in “Fleabag,” and we should see her as a lesbian in more things.

Brandi Carlile

She is excellent each time she opens her mouth, and here’s hoping I get to see her do it again live this year.

Janelle Monae

She was excellent with Tessa Thompson, and here’s hoping they can be excellent some more together in the new year.

Lena Headey

She is so much more excellent than Cersei Lannister, and she deserves a better on-screen fate in 2020.

Tatiana Maslany

She is excellence personified and WHY HASN’T ANYONE CAST HER AS THE STAR OF THEIR SHOW YET?

Jameela Jamil

She is so excellent on “The Good Place,” and if she isn’t snapped up immediately for some wonderfully comedic starring role everyone in forking stupid. But then, look who our president is.

Katie McGrath

Yeah I know she’s still making excellent flirt eyes at Supergirl, but wouldn’t it be so excellent if she also got to make flirt eyes at a lady who is unquestionably lesbian in another unquestionably lesbian role? Just a thought.

Ellen Page

So “The Umbrella Academy” wasn’t as excellent as I’d hoped, but there is always hope for Season 2 and her excellently creepy new white eyes.

Lupita Nyong'o & Danai Gurira

They’re were excellent in “Black Panther,” now make a superhero movie about them where they’re a couple. Look, as long as we’re wishing for excellent things.

Tina Fey

My most excellent Fake TV/Movie Wife will always make any list about excellence. Period.

Cate Blanchett

Look, I’ve had the most excellent idea. “Carol 2.” Everything gets revived these days, why not the greatest lesbian movie of the last decade? As I was saying, excellent idea.

My Weekend Emmys

Look, I’m not saying the Emmy’s have impeccable taste. But, they basically had my taste in TV this year. Sooooo. I guess what I’m saying is the Emmys had impeccable taste this year – you’re welcome.

“Killing Eve” getting nominations for Best Drama, Best Lead Actress in a Drama (for Sandra and Jodie) and Best Supporting Actress in a Drama (for Fiona). “Fleabag” getting eleven, yes ELEVEN, Emmy nominations including Best Comedy and Best Lead Actress in a Comedy for Phoebe and literally every other female actress who appeared in either a supporting or guest role on the show. Seriously, I am not kidding: Olivia, Sian, Kristin and Fiona (yes, again) all got nominations.

And then there was all the love for “Russian Doll,” a head-trip of a show that was way smarter and stranger than I thought the Academy would ever recognize. And “The Good Place” getting rightfully recognized too. And “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel,” thought admittedly I haven’t had time to start the second season yet. And same goes for “Schitt’s Creek,” but there are only so many hours in a day and sometimes I need to close my eyes.

In short, it was a very good year for smart women who like to watch smart television about other smart (and strange and sometimes murderous) women. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. This is how Phoebe Waller-Bridge acts when she wins a big award. So, just saying, Academy voters – you too can make this happen.

One Lesbian Wedding Minus Any Funerals

“Four Weddings & a Funeral” remains one of my all-time favorite rom-coms. This may or may not be because there’s a sneeze-and-you’ll-miss-it “Lesbians Until Graduation” moment featuring Kristin Scott Thomas – which come to think of it may be part of my enduring crush on KST. And then there’s the funeral outing scene which never ceases to make me cry. Also, imagine not being out to even your closest friends. Dammit, the 90s (and all of previous recorded history).

So imagine my delight when I saw the whole jolly gang back together minus any funerals and plus a whole lot of lesbianism. The entire cast reunited minus Charlotte Coleman (the actress who played Scarlett) and Simon Callow (the actor who played Gareth is luckily very much alive, but his character died in the film so…) for Comic Relief’s Red Nose Day last month.

Watching it was like a who’s who of actors you are hapy to see had full and thriving careers. Like, look, it’s David Haigh – not only is he back to play the loveable Bernard, he is clearly an actor who had mastered affable Englishman vibe as he also displayed as Bill from “Killing Eve.” And then there’s Duckface, who lesbians no doubt remember as the men rich lady with a thing for leather dildos from “Tipping the Velvet.”

All that and we haven’t even gotten to the lesbianism yet! Alicia Vikander and Lily James play Fiona and Charles’ now-adult offspring who grew up to be lesbians who fell in love. Like, was someone reading my diaries from the 90s? All I can say is I want my other 76 minutes. Because this would be the perfect lesbian rom-com if it was a full 90 minutes long. Seriously, add a meet-cute and throw in some serious but not too serious issue as the Obstacle That Must Be Overcome For True Love and we’ve got a movie I would watch again and again (and again and again).

p.s. Alicia should have it written into all of her contracts that she must appear at least once on screen in a suit.

p.p.s. Looks like YouTube removed the video, so here is a preview.

Tank Top Tuesday

Each time I post a Tank Top Tuesday I struggle to find a theme. The universal theme is hotness, because ladies in tank tops are hot. Duh. But specificity is also important. So if the family is hot, then the genus is brunettes. Sorry blondes, sometimes we’re the ones having more fun. But wait, there’s more. If the kingdom is hot and the genus is brunettes, the species would be tasteful black and whites. Hey, I didn’t make the hierarchy of biological classification, I just put things into their place. Or that was a really long-winded excuse to post Shay Mitchell in her tank top on the beach. And all these other hot, brunettes in black and white. Just keeping it orderly.

Emmanuelle Vaugier

I continue to feel inconsolable about the end of “Lost Girl,” and it hasn’t even started yet.

Angie Harmon

I am considerably less bereft about the cliffhanger on “Rizzoli & Isles.” It’s not like they are going to rename the show “Isles & Her Wikipedia-Like Memory.“

Julia Ormond

Apparently she’s on some Lifetime show about witches. I haven’t watched and I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.

Hettienne Park

She is definitely on that show about the cannibalistic serial killer. I haven’t watched that either, but only because I can’t spare the nightmares.

Kristin Scott Thomas

Remember when she said she was a lesbian once in college? That’s back when we all still thought Hugh Grant was charming.

Juliette Binoche

I fear I’m probably getting my hopes up too much about her lesbianing together with K-Stew in “Clouds of Sils Maria.” But a gal can dream.

Jada Pinkett Smith

I still don’t understand her speech pattern on “Gotham,” but I do appreciate her swagger. The lady brings her own bat.

French twist

Right, so here we ugly Americans go remaking another foreign film. Subtitles are apparently unpatriotic. Reading is for sissies. Kidding, kidding! Well, not about the remaking a foreign film thing. The latest is “Passion,” a remake of last year’s French film “Love Crime.” Both films feature two strong female leads playing off one another – a female executive and her seemingly naïve protégé. Both involve strong Sapphic (ugh, I know – that word) overtones which are played up in the trailer. But there is one very obvious difference, minus the language barrier, that leaps out immediately.

Whereas the French original “Love Crime” featured Kristin Scott Thomas and Ludivine Sagnier, the American remake “Passion” stars Rachel McAdams and Noomi Rapace. Now, I love all these actresses. I think they are tremendously talented. But let’s play a little game of which one of these is not like the other. First, watch both the trailers.

French Version


American Version

Pick up on the difference? No? Maybe some numbers will help.

Rachel McAdams is 33.
Noomi Rapace is 32.
Ludivine Sagnier is 33.
Kristin Scott Thomas is 52.

Bing-bing-bing! We have a winner! The older woman, younger woman dynamic has been eliminated in the American version. Instead it has been replaced by two younger women of the same age. Which, um, huh? Now, I have not seen this movie. I haven’t even seen the French version of the movie. But I know a large component of the French movie was the age difference and the intrinsic power struggle and dynamic it created. But now in the American version, the women only have their stations, not ages, to spar with. And that is just, well, less interesting. Why make the women so close in age? Why not have an older and a younger women face off together? Because it’s hotter when two younger women kiss? Because older women don’t exist in American cinema outside of maternal roles or lovelorn rom-coms? Ugh. Don’t get me started.

Look, “Passion” may be an excellent movie. I probably will see it because I have a fetish for freaky masked sex scenes. Kidding, kidding! But I am nonetheless annoyed that we had to go take out the old(er) lady and put in two younger hotties instead in the remake. Oh, America.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Drag Edition

There’s gender fuck, and then there’s Gender Fuck. The world witnessed the latter last weekend when the incomparable Lady Gaga went full on Jo Calderone for the entirety of the MTV Video Music Awards. Not only was it one of the only times I’ve ever seen her in an outfit that didn’t involve mirrors, bubbles, spikes or require refrigeration. Regardless of what you thought of her lengthy leering performance as Jo, you’ve got to admire her commitment. Hell, Gaga was even packing. So today let’s celebration those who dare to drag with mustaches – or without. All hail the kings.

Kristin Scott ThomasEat your heart out, Ivan Aycock.

Katharine HepburnThey don’t make movie stars like this anymore – male or female.

Brooke ShieldsDid you know Brooke pulled a “Yentl” in the movie “Sahara?” Neither did I.

Barbra StreisandOf course, nothing beats the real thing.

Anne HathawayUnsurprisingly, the woman who looks like a Disney princess in real life looks like a Disney prince in drag.

Natalie PortmanNow I’m thinking they missed a brilliant potential “mustache ride” scene in “Black Swan.”

Veronica WebbAlso unsurprisingly, beautiful models make handsome fellows.

Christy Turlington, Naomi Campbell & Linda EvangelistaVery handsome fellows.

Julie AndrewsNever mind raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, Julie in a suit and tie is more than a few of my favorite things.

Lady GagaWhen he’s not glowering ferociously at the world, that Mr. Calderone is one GQ motherfucker...

...But when he is he kind of looks like an extra from “The Outsiders.”

Gender Fuck Thursday: Gay It Forward

Right, so sometimes the lovely ladies who gay it forward wear suits instead of tank tops. Which is fine by me. I’m equal opportunity when it comes to my preferred lesbian attire. And I can’t think of a better subject to lead the way than Carla Gugino. She’s had more lesbian and lesbianish scenes than the cast of “The L Word.” Granted, the movies are largely of questionable quality. “Jaded,” “Rise: Blood Hunter,” “Center of the World,” “Sin City,” “She Creature.” They’re not exactly “Citizen Kane.” But, you know, A for effort. Though I really think we should get a petition going to finally put Carla in a good lesbian movie. It’d be a crime to let someone who looks that good in a suit go to waste. A damn crime.

Jaime MurrayIf Myka saw this you know she’d throw herself at HG, non-corporeal form or not.

Jordana BrewsterIf you ever want to find the lesbians in a crowd, just yell the name “Lucy Diamond” and see whose heads swivel faster than you can say “D.E.B.S.”

Amy AdamsWhile I’ve never seen the rest of “Standing Still,” I will admit to watching one particular scene more than once.

Chloe SevignyI have no idea what’s going on with the strange face kerchief. But seeing her in a jacket gives me warm fuzzies about her uber butch hottie in “If These Walls Could Talk II.”

Christina HendricksI kept the “Without a Trace” where she played an agoraphobic lesbian on my DVR for an unusually long time.

Kristin Scott ThomasI know, I’ve been on a bit of a KST kick of late. But with “Love Crimes” coming up and “Tell No One,” “Bitter Moon” and that scene in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” where she said she was a lesbian once in college all in the bag, can you really blame me?

Heather MorrisIt’s Brittany, bitch. And I have a lot more to say about her over on AfterEllen a little later today.

Cameron Diaz, Lucy Liu and Drew BarrymoreIt’s the hat trick of lesbian kisses with Cameron in “Being John Malkovich,” Lucy in “Rise: Blood Hunter” and the “Ally McBeal” kiss heard around the world and Drew in “Poison Ivy.” With that track record it’s amazing they didn’t work in a threesome kiss in “Charlie’s Angels.” Well, there’s always the new TV show.

Sasha AlexanderDr. Maura Isles wearing Det. Jane Rizzoli’s clothes? I’ll be in my bunk, possibly forever.

p.s. Maura is totally checking out Jane’s ass in her dress here.