Welcome to the freak show

As much as Ryan Murphy drives me absofuckinglutely nuts, I look forward to his freakfuckingtastic “American Horror Story” each year. Part of its appeal is its one-shot nature every of season. Murphy’s famously short attention span tends to doom his shows past their first season. (cough, Glee, cough) But by completely changing the setting, the plot and the characters it keeps things fresh. But the smartest thing by far is keeping the same very, very talented female cast. Jessica Lange, Sarah Paulson, Kathy Bates Angela Bassett. It’s hard to find a more talented collection of ladies on one show than that. This year’s carnival theme is rich with possibilities, and already we’ll have double the fun with Sarah and triple the fun with Angela (oh yeah, I noticed the extra girl in there). So bring on the freaks.

Which Witch is Witch

I don’t know will ultimately rise up and become the next Supreme tonight on the season finale of “American Horror Story: Coven.” I’m rooting for a “Chosen” kind of power-share. Are you ready to be strong, witches? But save that, I’m rooting for Misty or Cordelia. How could I not?

In looking at the scope of this season’s “American Horror Story,” I am both thrilled and disappointed. It’s a Ryan Murphy show, you were expecting more? I have unquestionably enjoyed this season more than last. The total mind-fuck of psychological (and physical – because of course) torture to befall the characters in “AHS: Asylum” was almost too stomach churning to watch. Sure, “Coven” folks have had to endure dismemberment, disembowelment and self-inflicted garden shears to the eyes. But it doesn’t feel as torturous, somehow.

What I’ve loved all along is two-fold. One, it’s absolutely lights-out female cast. (Jessica and Kathy and Angela and Sarah and Lily and Frances and Gabourey and Emma and Taissa and Patti, OH MY!) I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again – this is hands down the biggest gathering of female talent on TV this season. And, goodness, how they’ve flexed their collective muscle.

But what I haven’t loved, in fact hated, is that a series all about female power would be fixated on the wrong kind of power struggle. Instead of Witches vs. The World, “Coven” is Witches vs. Witches. Like women can only fight and destroy each other. Sure, there can be infighting, but does it ALL have to be infighting? Ugh, whatever Ryan Murphy.

I also have some not insignificant quibbles with the way the show has portrayed its African-American characters as motivated almost exclusively by vengeance. That and they tragically underused Marie Laveau. (Really, Benadryl takes down the Voodoo Queen of New Orleans? Really?) The show’s insulting insistence on keeping its focus on the stereotypical cat-fight dynamic robbed us of more of an opportunity to see Jessica Lange and Angela Bassett acting with each other, instead of against each other.



Oh, and then there’s the show’s reliance on tropes for what motivates women: fear of aging, want of a baby, jealousy over a boyfriend, et al.

Still, in spite of it all, I remain grateful for the ridiculous bounty of female talent who got to be on my TV together each week. And however it turns out, they should feel pride in how – despite the often subpar material – they’ve utterly bewitched us.

Witchy Women

Despite my better judgment, I am enjoying the shit out of “American Horror Story: Coven” so far this season. Like, really, I look forward to this insane locomotive of witchy-bitchy magnificence each week. It’s so unexpected because when “American Horror Story” first premiered two seasons ago I was like – No. All of the no. I’m a legendary chicken and have watched most horror movies from behind a pillow and if no pillow is available with my hands over my eyes.

Now I realize saying I like “American Horror Story: Coven” will make some folks angry. There are so many things not right about this show. Among them are Ryan Murphy’s depictions of women, Ryan Murphy’s depiction of a gang rape and Ryan Murphy’s depiction of the torture of (literally) faceless slaves.

If you want to get very angry at me because I continue to watch a Ryan Murphy show, that is your right. And if you want to get very angry at me because I continue to watch a show that featured a voyeuristic rape and graphic torture, that is your right. If you want to get very angry at me because I continue to watch a show that believes women’s main motivations are youth, boys and babies, that is your right. Also, one of the witches “powers” is she that has an honest-to-goodness killer vagina. I mean Jesus fucking Christ. I find so much of this show horrifically, horrifically problematic. I am not saying you should continue (or even start) to watch this show because of these problems. I am just saying why I choose to continue tune in. Those reasons are multi-fold. But if I had to enumerate them that would be 1) Jessica Lange, 2) Angela Bassett, 3) Kathy Bates, 4) Sarah Paulson and 5) Lily Rabe.



This is hands down the most impressive cast of female stars working together on TV today. There are certainly other shows with ridiculously talented and amazing actresses on TV. But I don’t think there is another show with the sheer volume of ridiculously talented and amazing actresses working together in one ensemble on the air right now.

And we have not even gotten to the younger generation which includes Taissa Farmiga, Emma Roberts, Gabourey Sidibe and Jamie Brewer. Oh, on, and I am waiting impatiently for the return of Frances Conroy.

These women are good. They are damn good. Getting to watch them act together is an absolute treat. That the material does not always live up to their talent is a damn shame. That the material sometimes is outrageously below them is an absolute crime. But what they do with the material they have is nothing short of miraculous.

But what “American Horror Story” Coven” gets right, it absolutely nails. There is real venom and humor and darkness and – believe it or not - campy fun in these stories. For all of its copious issues, this is also still almost exclusively a show about female power. And that, that’s something.

As always, I am in it for the ladies. And these ladies cast a damn fine spell. (Sorry, I had to. It’s a show about witches, people.)

My Weekend Crush

No matter how you feel about “American Horror Story” and all the mental anguish and abject terror it puts us through, we should all at the very least agree that Jessica Lange is amazing. Complex, raw, beautiful, horrifying, damaged and crazy crazy crazy. When she is on screen, not much else seems worth watching. And that’s no small feat considering costars James Cromwell, Sarah Paulson and Lily Rabe are absolutely no slouches. But something about Jessica, that face and its gorgeous cunning, that demands we pay attention. Like this week, when the show returned and we were all spellbound for a few minutes by the simple “Name Game.” Look, I was worried not so long about Jessica after she’d clearly done something not-so-subtle to her face. But the grace of age has managed to creep back in and make her just so much more interesting and no less stunning. Plus, the lady can just act. Be she is playing a crazy former nun, tragic country star, an up-and-coming soap opera star, a gorilla’s object of affection, Jessica grabs out attention and makes us watch. Happy weekend, all.

UPDATE: Oh, just watch the trippiness yourself.

SGALGG: Award Season Edition

I love award season. First, you get to honor amazing actors for outstanding work. And second, dude, women in beautiful dresses. Hello. But, even better than a lady in a nice frock is a lady in a nice frock acting frisky with another lady. Oh, kittens, you know where I am going with this. In honor of last week's Oscar nominations, here is a look at the Best SGALGG nominees so far this awards season. The competition is fierce. And by fierce, I mean hot.
[Click any and all to enlarge for, you know, judging purposes.]

Most Insistent: Robin Wright Penn & Kate WinsletRobin really, really wants to get a little closer to Kate.
Can you blame her?

Best Couple: Amy Adams & Emily BluntWhat? In my head they're totally a couple. (p.s. I can't wait for “Sunshine Cleaning.”)

Luckiest S.O.B. Ever: Dude between Olivia Wilde & Angelina JolieThis guy is inches away as Olivia and Angelina are about to touch. Five bucks say he jizzed! in! his pants!

Best Kiss: Anne Hathaway & Rosemarie DeWittDear Anne: Brokeback for lesbians. Think about it.
xoxo, Ms. Snarker.

Most Blatant Checking Out of the Merchandise:
Eva Longoria & Rosario DawsonRosario, honey, her eyes are higher.

Best “Oh My,What Are You Doing With Your Hand?”: Meryl Streep & Penelope CruzA little down. Now to the left. Oh yeah, just like that.

Most Mommy Issues: Jessica Lange & Drew BarrymoreSure, they play mother-daughter in “Grey Gardens.” But if men can do May-December, then so can SGALGG.

Best Recruitment Material: Christina HendricksFine, so there isn't another gal to act gay with Christina. But, come on, if just seeing that doesn't make every straight gal on the planet question her sexuality, well, nothing will.