Sorry Daphne, Niles has a boyfriend

David Hyde Pierce is gay. And with that the world breathes a collective duh. The former Frasier star confirmed what pretty much anyone with the ability to take in oxygen had suspected for years when he backdoor outed himself in a recent Associated Press profile.

“Pierce got to Los Angeles in the early 1990s when his partner, actor-writer-producer Brian Hargrove, wanted to write for television.”

The story is accompanied by perhaps one of the least gay pictures of Pierce ever taken. If it weren’t for the vanity-mirror dressing room lights behind him, you’d have nary a hint that he was a mo. In fact, you could easily skim over the discreet outing which comes 22 grafs into the story. AfterElton even called to double check, just to make sure it wasn’t a typo or semantics error. His publicist confirmed that, yes, he meant that kind of partner.

David makes the third relatively high-profile gay male television star to come out in the last eight months, the others being T.R. Knight and Neil Patrick Harris. Side Note to Robert Sean Leonard: Good thing you’re engaged or by the rule of three (that being actors who go by three names/initials) you would be on our gaydar. But Haley Joel Osment, consider yourself on watch.

While I’m all hip-hip hooray for the boys, where -- might I ask -- are the ladies? Oh, ladies? Hello, ladies? Your spotlight and People magazine cover awaits.

Gimme a “G!” Gimme an “A!” Gimme a “Y!”

What’s that spell? GAY! GAY! GAY! Somehow I don’t remember this cheer from high school. But, if you believe TV and movies, gay cheerleaders are all the rage. According to new “Heroes” spoilers, the show will add a gay cheerleader named April in its second season. Ooooh, I hope she has some really kick-ass superpower. Like, say, the ability to leap a U-Haul in a single bound. I kid, I kid.

But seriously, what is up with all the gay cheerleaders? “But I’m a Cheerleader,” “Veronica Mars,” “Bring It On” (OK, that last one wasn’t gay per se, but come on -- look at Eliza. I mean, really). I guess it started as a clever way to tweak the stereotype. What could be further from the flannel-wearing, buzz-cut sporting, Indigo Girls-singing lesbian of lore than a perky, peppy, platinum-blonde pom-pom queen who is into real-life pom-poms, so to speak? Now, however, it is fast becoming its own cliché. Not that I’m complaining. You can’t beat the outfits. Go team!

On a clear day you can see for miles

Lordy. I’m sure you are all well aware of Rosie’s very public deViewing this weekend. And for those of you who still haven’t heard yet, is there enough room for me too under that big rock you apparently call home? A quick recap for the cave dwellers. Wednesday: An epic blowout between Rosie and Elisabeth is captured finger-wag by finger-wag through the magic of spilt screen and ratings-mad producers. Thursday: Rosie takes the day off to celebrate her partner Kelli’s birthday as media outlet across the country pee themselves with delight replaying the fight ad nauseum. Friday: ABC announces that Rosie has asked to be released from the final three weeks of her contract and is now no longer enjoying any View. Monday: A pre-taped episode airs where the gals celebrate Elisabeth’s birthday, complete with Rosie warmly offering her a week’s vacation at her Miami house. And so ends the Rosie era on “The View” -- with a bang, then a whimper and finally the definition of irony.

This whole crazy affair has made one point abundantly clear: Politics is personal. We as a nation have lost the ability to rationally, emotionlessly, sanely discuss our political views without things becoming uncomfortably personal. There is no discourse, only discord. We are so polarized that instead of building bridges, we fill the gaping chasm between our ideologies with sound and fury. And, well, we all know what that signifies. I shouldn’t be surprised. After all, if our president refuses to listen to opposing viewpoints, how can one we expect more from an electorate which put him in office twice? (Well, once, but that’s an old drum and I’ve grown tired of beating it.)

Despite my past grumbles, I will miss Rosie. We need more outspoken women with strong opinions on television. And say what you will about her conspiracy theories and celebrity smackdowns, but she has been a consistent and passionate voice for her beliefs. And unlike the calculated talking heads and role-playing pundits, I believe Rosie spoke from the heart. We can’t really ask for more from our public figures than that. Plus, love her or hate her, she made that show infinitely more interesting to watch. Well, we’ll always have the blog. I mean, really, celebrities don’t get much more unvarnished than this.

My Weekend Crush

Few women can make me laugh as consistently as Leisha Hailey. When a simple “Uh-uh” can cause a fit of giggles, you know you’re good. Her comic timing is impeccable, her epic adorableness is unparalleled. A gay woman with a good sense of humor, God, is there anything sexier? All that and the girl can flat out rock. I knew and loved Leisha from her days in The Murmurs long before The L Word was even a glimmer in Ilene Chaiken’s eye. Hell, I even smile every time I see one of her silly yogurt commercials. She is -- to put it simply -- practically perfect in every way. Plus, can you think of anyone more fun than her to spend this leisurely Memorial Day weekend with? No, me neither. See you Tuesday, but until then may visions of lovely Leisha dance in your head. Here, I’ll even get you started. Happy weekend, all.

Look, lesbians. Wow, I’m suddenly thirsty.

The Commercial Closet announced its 2007 nominations for the Images in Advertising Awards. If you aren’t familiar with the CC, by all means check it out. It’s a great place to discover obscure European ads of insanely sexy lesbian action or -- as I like to call it -- “conduct research.” But as I was looking over the 10 nominated campaigns for Outstanding Lesbian Portrait (scroll to the bottom) I was a bit perplexed. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate every crumb of maybe, perhaps, if-you-squint-and-turn-your-head-sideways lesbian representation in the media. But that said, some of the nominees seem to be lacking in the gay. Instead they’re just attractive pictures of attractive women in close proximity to one another.

Like, say, here. OK, they’re two women getting out of a limo together. Clearly, the champagne makes it gay.Or this one. Sure, at least these gals are visibly touching, but the one on the right just comes across as impatient to me. And kinda pushy. Oh, wait, that must be the gay part.And, seriously, don’t get me started on the crazy vodka-drinking lesbian robot ones. Is this a variation on the “dykes love their power tools” theme? Plus, if you look closely, the gal next to Short Circuit v2.0 is wearing a fur bikini. Subtle.Some of the other ads were more overt, but no less bizarre.

Take Ms. I Do A Lot of Crunches who seems to have been stricken with sudden paralysis of the arms. That’s going to make it really hard for her to pick up her beer.While here, clearly, we’re being given a visual retort to that old “Harder than finding a lesbian in a haystack” refrain.Not that I didn’t enjoy some of the ads. The Orbitz ad was cute. And the Time ad was sweet. And the Logo portraits of Subaru-driving lesbians (really, are their any other kind?) were rather refreshing. And I must shamefully confess that I think some of those haystack ones are a kinda hot. I can’t help it. The Midwestern gal in me is a sucker for straw.

Cheney junior has two mommies

So Mary Cheney and her partner Heather Poe had their baby yesterday, little 8-lbs, 6-oz Samuel David Cheney (well, you can see who wears the pants and the surname in that relationship. Hyphenation, apparently, is for sissies and Democrats). The official White House photo of the newest little Cheney shows the beaming baby boy with his new, proud…grandparents. But not his parents. Because otherwise it would be weird. I mean, who takes a picture of a newborn baby with his actual parents? Weirdo.

Let’s face it, the Cheneys barely acknowledge that their daughter as gay, so they definitely wouldn’t want to acknowledge that she is a loving gay parent. The mental and emotional gymnastics that family must go through for everyone to still feel good about his/her political and personal choices must be exhausting. My parents love me, but they hate gays, but I’m gay, but they don’t support equal rights for gay families, but they love our new son, but they hate… Damn, I’m exhausted just thinking about it. Congratulations ladies and, yeah, good luck. Oh, and here is the first official unofficial portrait* of the new happy family. Samuel David has two mommies, dammit.
*NOTE: Yeah, this “official unofficial” photo is a joke. Something along the lines of: “What do lesbians bring on their second date? .... A U-Haul.” Fine, I never said it was a good joke.

Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals…

…And How To Tell the Difference. Consider this SGALGGAHTTD (wow, that’s unwieldy) entry the first in an occasional series. This debut edition will focus on hands, courtesy the lovely ladies at Cannes (OK, so I think that rhyme made up for the bad acronym). As they say in real estate, location location location.

Tracie Thoms and Rosario Dawson

Sure, Tracie successfully played gay in “Rent,” but if she really wants to convince us she needs to grab hold of Rosario’s arm as if to say, “No damn way you’re backing away from this.”

Zoe Bell and Rose McGowan

One word: cupping. Any self-respecting lady-loving lady would take this opportunity to cop a little feel of that cheek action. Come on, you know you would. Don’t lie.

Warning: serious couch time ahead

Now that the dust has settled from the network upfronts, it’s time to start planning my new fall television viewing schedule. Looks like my whatever-will-fill-the-huge-gaping-hole-that-was-Buffy lament might finally get the answer it’s been longing for as both the “Bionic Woman” and “The Sarah Connors Chronicles” vie to fill the strong women who kick ass and take names spot in my heart.On Fox, “The Sarah Connors Chronicles” will bring Lena Headey and Summer Glau into my home every week. Fine, the show won’t debut until January but the mere prospect is reason enough to do a jig around the couch. I’m going to let the preview do the talking.

Also on Fox, and also not premiering until January (dammit, Fox, what the hell?), is “The Return of Jezebel James.” All you need to know is that Parker Posey and Lauren Ambrose will recite the whip-smart dialogue of “Gilmore Girls” creator Amy Sherman-Palladino. Heaven, thy name is witty repartee.

Over on ABC, beside the welcome return of “Ugly Betty” (but why, why did you have to kill Santos?) will be two newcomers of note -- or at least of note to me -- “Cashmere Mafia” and “Pushing Daisies.” Cashmere boasts a killer cast (Lucy Liu, Miranda Otto, Frances O’Connor and Bonnie Somerville) and sounds a lot like “Sex and the City.” It will also sport the fall season’s first new lesbian/bisexual storyline. Bonnie’s character will share an unexpected yet electric kiss with a co-worker. Read all about it here and fantasize about it until the show finally airs later in the fall on its regular night Tuesdays, replacing “Dancing With the Stars.” Bonnie starred as Ross’ girlfriend Mona on “Friends.” I don’t remember her at all, which doesn’t bode well. But, hope spring eternal. Still, couldn’t it have been Frances’ character who had the gay revelation? Really, that would have been much hotter.

And finally, coming to ABC Wednesday nights is “Pushing Daisies.” The show centers around a man who can raise the dead, and kill them again, with one touch. Sure, the supernatural premise sounds a little “Tru Calling” meets “Six Feet Under,” but wait it gets better. The series was created by the same fantastically quirky mind that thought us “Wonderfalls.” If you’ve never seen that show go to Amazon right now and buy the box set. You will not be sorry and, yes, I will accept small gifts as tokens of your appreciation for turning you onto one of the best prematurely and unjustly canceled television shows ever. But back to Daisies, which features Kristin Chenoweth and a woman with an eye patch. Hell, we haven’t had a good woman-with-an-eye-patch character since “Twin Peaks.” About damn time.

Equality right damn now

Have you ever read something so eloquent, so moving and so true that you felt like you’d been given a gift and in turn wanted to share it with everyone you knew? No, I’m not having some crazed Oprah’s Book Club moment. I’m talking about the gift that was Joss Whedon’s post at Whedoneque over the weekend. If he isn’t a feminist, then I don’t know what one is. I’ve tried my own weak attempt at eloquence on the matter over at AfterEllen. But I think I’ll just let his unvarnished words speak for themselves.

“I have never had any faith in humanity. But I will give us props on this: if we can evolve, invent and theorize our way into the technologically magical, culturally diverse and artistically magnificent race we are and still get people to buy the idiotic idea that half of us are inferior, we’re pretty amazing. Let our next sleight of hand be to make that myth disappear.”

When I finished reading (go, read it now, I mean it), I realized that his words fit so seamlessly into Buffy’s final battle cry from “Chosen” that it was almost eerie. Joss, I am ready to be strong. And I am looking up.

My Weekend Crush

Mary-Louise Parker has always radiated an earthy, thinking-woman’s sexiness to me. Of course, she forever stole my heart away as Ruth in “Fried Green Tomatoes.” Raise your hand if you wished you could be her personal bee charmer, so to speak. She so impresses me with her sly beauty and understated grace that I always think more highly of whatever lucky man is wise enough to partner up with her. But, her smarter-by-association charm also rubs the other way -- like when seemingly-sensible turned scurrilous-scoundrel boyfriend Billy Crudup left her, seven months pregnant, for his “Stage Beauty” co-star Claire Danes. Oh, no he di’nt just leave Ruth alone and pregnant with his child to trade up for a younger model! (p.s. Did you see the hilarious Gawker ad that parodies the whole sorted affair?)

Of course Parker handled the situation with wit and her own brand of looking good is the best revenge, when at the 2004 Golden Globes she thanked her then newborn son for her own set of newly-acquired golden globes. Ahem. Plus, two years later when she won again she said she wanted to make out with her entire “Weeds” cast, especially Elizabeth Perkins. Swoon. Right now I’m kicking myself for not naming her one of my AfterEllen hotties. (In my defense, certain people told me I could only have 10 and then certain people – cough, Scribe, cough – went and listed 12 themselves.) So please consider the luminous Ms. Parker one of my honorary hotties, with my eternal apologies to the cosmos for her glaring omission. Happy weekend, all.

War is Hell-oooo ladies

Welcome to TGIV, or Thank God It’s Video. Why? Because it’s the end of another long work week and the last thing you want to do is read more of my inane drivel. So kick back, and enjoy. Just keep the giggling to a minimum. It totally blows your cover at work.

p.s. If you’re feeling particularly saucy, that “V” above can stand for something else. Rhyme with angina. Meow.

Samantha Bee "N.I.L.F."
Uploaded by virtualmatter

Gimme that hot dirty-over-thirty NILF action, baby.


Now that is what I call smoking in the girls room. Hat tip, Sarah.


Not funny, just cool. Plus, Starbuck vs. the Bionic Woman? This femmeslash practically writes itself.

From Cannes, with love

Oh, Cannes. The film festival is a brief, glamorous flash that can only come from the synergy of the French Riviera, movie stars and ooh la la. It’s been a couple months since we saw such a mass of famous faces all gussied up together (Oh, award season, how I miss your wealth of posting possibilities). Yesterday, the stars came out in their finest for the premiere of “My Blueberry Nights,” starring Jude Law, Norah Jones and Natalie Portman. Sure, they all look magnifique, but what were they really thinking?

French actress Judith Godrèche

Look, it’s a heart, over my heart. Get it? It symbolizes love, or something. But definitely not my left breast. Seriously, stop looking at my left breast. Note to self: Never be late with Jean-Pierre’s paycheck or that little fruitcake of a stylist will get all passive aggressive on you. Hey, buster, stop staring at my boob! Fuck it, who has a shawl?

Maggie Cheung

Oh shit, this can’t end well.

Norah to Jude

Hey, Jude. Look, I know you think you’re still the beaming golden boy we all fell in love with from “The Talented Mr. Ripley,” but time has passed. And it has passed all over your hairline. Not to mention your charm. So, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, get your skeezy hand off my waist. Where is Sienna Miller when you need her? Oh, and the Blues Brothers called, they want their sunglasses back.

Unknown smiling guy who is probably someone important and why don’t I know him, duh, between Sarah Polley and Toni Collette

Score. Wait until my ex-wife sees this picture.

The Three Graces: Andie MacDowell, Gong Li and Kerry Washington

[All Together] Damn, it’s like the United Colors of Hotness up on this red carpet. Suck it, Pussycat Dolls. Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like this. Plus, “cha” isn’t even a word. Idiots.

Cyndi’s true colors are beautiful like a rainbow

Holy crap. Here I am going about my normal day. Outrage here. Outrage there. Outrage, outrage everywhere. And then, blam, something happens that makes me believe in the wonders of the universe again. Something like, say, Cyndi Lauper taping a personalized shout out for the blog to promote her super cool and why-the-hell-don’t-you-have-your-ticket-yet True Colors Tour, which raises funds and awareness for gay rights. Last night I got an email from a marketing company, which happens every so often and for the most part I just ignore. But this one wasn’t the usual “If you put this banner ad on your site, we’ll send you a calendar”-type offer. Well, see for yourself.

Crazy, right? I mean, she even jokes about Toto! I could not love her more. I’m pretty blown away that, in some tiny way, she know that this site exists (even if a PA was standing in the background with flashcards prompting her what to say as she taped shout out after shout out in some small studio somewhere and then later went out for beers with friends and said, ‘Damn, those promo call days really take it out of you’). Really, it’s amazing that she takes the time to do this kind of outreach. She is truly a wonderful ally, a wonderful singer and a wonderful woman. So seriously, I’m not kidding -- get your tickets now!

NBC loses 60, goes Bionic and finds Shahi

NBC held its upfronts yesterday and it’s official: Studio 60 is dead. The much-hyped, then much-maligned and finally much-ignored dramedy from the overly-articulate mind of Aaron Sorkin officially got the axe. I love, love, loved this show at first. The story was smart. The writing was witty. Sarah Paulson was pretty (and witty and gay). But the writing and story suffered as things shifted away from topical, political storylines and into the emotional arena. Watching ex-couples argue and pseudo-couples stalk each other? Not that fun. Too bad, because had it been able to stretch its genius without the constant specter of cancellation, I think it could have grown into something special. Sigh. In more uplifting news, NBC unveiled its full fall season. Of interest (because she is endlessly interesting) is the return of Tina Fey as Liz Lemon. The previously-announced pickup of “30 Rock” comes with a move up one time slot on Thursdays. Looks like I’ll be glued to my couch Thursday nights -- again. A couple new shows also caught my eye. One was the reimagined “Bionic Woman” airing Wednesdays. I watched the original and remember running around our house making the bionic “Na-na-na-na-na-na-na” sound. The new Bionic babe will be played by British actress Michelle Ryan. See a one-minute clip here. No “Na-na-na-na-na-na-na,” but it still looks pretty hardcore. Strong women and super powers? Kick and Ass.And finally, just because she is hot like fire, here is Sarah Shahi all smiles at the upfronts promoting her new show “Life,” which will air Wednesdays behind the “Bionic Woman.” O Carmen, Carmen! Wherefore art thou Carmen? Sarah plays a cop (hot damn, I’m going to have to add her to my girls with guns list). Otherwise, I have no idea what the series is about (fine, I know a little -- detectives, second-chances, life…) but, really, I don’t care. What I do care about is the zipper that runs down the front of her dress. The only thing between us and heaven is one good tug.

Rosie vs. Ellen: Sign away the gay?

As you probably already know, late last week the Lesbian Titans of Television (TM pending), Rosie O’Donnell and Ellen DeGeneres, had a testy tête-à-tête via blog/publicist (since, really, who actually speaks face-to-face anymore?). A chronological recap for those who have better things to do with their time than troll the internet for pseudo-feuds between power lesbians. On Thursday in a video post on her blog, Rosie said that Ellen was contractually obligated to not speak about being gay. As she does in these vlog sessions, Rosie and Co. answered reader emails and the question in question went: “Why do you talk about being gay all the time? And the subject of gays all the time. Ellen never mentions it.” To which, Rosie responded:

“Ellen is not allowed to. She signed a contract that said she wouldn’t. [To which her blogging cohort respond with stunned: “She really? She did?”] It was on the heels of my show -- so that’s why she doesn’t. But you know what, she also paved the way for a lot of gay people, especially on TV. There were no gay shows on TV. She was pre-“Will & Grace,” remember that. So, you know, I talk about gay because I like to. And she doesn’t talk about it because she doesn’t want to or she can’t. But who cares? It’s fine. Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay.”

Well, wow. That was quite a bombshell. The next day TMZ contacted publicists for the producers of “The Ellen DeGeneres Show,” asking if Ellen was indeed being muzzled. The response:

“She’s gay? Who knew? Ellen is free to talk about whatever she wants and we encourage her to do so.”

Then on Friday, Rosie posted an apology on her blog in her normal not-quite haiku, not-quite e.e. cummings style that “according to jim,” and a couple other people we don’t know in the least, “no contract - ever did or would prevent ellen from saying anything in any way shape or form.”

a correction
4 all
my apologies

Well, wow. True or false, Rosie’s claims are deeply disturbing. If it’s true that Ellen really can’t talk about her sexuality on the air, then it is a sad day for free speech and gay awareness. But if it’s true that Rosie was wrong when she aired her contractual conspiracy theory, it proves that the former Queen of Nice should probably be called the Queen of Speaking Out of Her Ass instead.

Where does the truth lie? I tend to believe that Ellen wouldn’t flat-out sign a contract saying no lesbian business on the show. She fought too hard and endured too much to go back into that kind of Hollywood closet. Did producers/executives maybe ask her to, possibly, tone down the gay? Perhaps. But, then again, Ellen’s act her never been overtly sexual, even after coming out. Plus Rosie has a history of playing fuzzy with the facts. And while I appreciate her openness and outspokenness, I do not appreciate her openness to being outspoken when it comes to outrageous, unsupported claims.

Anyway, so now I’m going to go off on a somewhat-related, entirely-more-enjoyable tangent and say, check out the guns on Ellen! On Friday she taped an outdoor segment with Kelly Clarkson (airing today) where The Great Panted One became The Great Bermuda-Shorted One. Plus, her short-sleeve shirt gave us an inadvertent (and rare) peek at her muscley goodness. [Click below to get your own tickets to the gun show.] I opened the picture and went all Joey Lawrence, “Whoa!”

My Weekend Crush

The late, great Katharine Hepburn would have celebrated her 100th birthday today. I’m sure, if she had lived to see the milestone, she would have something pithy and wry to say for the occasion. Something that struck a universal truth without taking itself too seriously. Something like, “Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” That is, if she hadn’t said that already. Kate was a woman who blazed trails simply by being herself. She was also a woman who never once considered her femininity, or lack thereof, a handicap. She lived freely. She spoke bluntly. She acted brashly. And she did it all while wearing an impeccably pressed pair of pants. Strong and striking, independent and intelligent, Kate was a lion among men and women. I could go on, but Kate herself would have waved away my wordiness and pish-poshed my praise. What I will say is that when I think of people, present or past, who I would love to have a beer with and simply shoot the shit, Kate ranks among my top five. Happy weekend, all.

Come on, let’s laugh at Ilene

Are you ready for “Ilene Chaiken: The Parody”? The creator and executive producer of Showtime’s hit series “The L Word,” who wants everyone to know that she is the creator and executive producer of Showtime’s hit series “The L Word,” finally gets the spoofing she deserves. I’m pretty sure I snorted when faux Ilene says, “Ilene Chaiken doesn’t need tools, if you know what I mean.”

The video was created by what appears to be a group of very funny, very gay gals in L.A. Comic Karey Dornetto wrote the spoof and stars as The Chaiken. And, in case you watched the couch scene at the beginning and thought, “Hey, that girl second from the left looks familiar…” I am here to help. That is comic and actress Erin Foley who you may remember as the angry Rolling Stone fact checker from “Almost Famous” or as the smart angel in those Philly Cream Cheese ads. I Google so you don’t have to.

Anyway, the whole thing is hilarious and every lesbian and her cat should watch and laugh and watch again. Except maybe Ilene Chaiken. She undoubtedly would call it another example of “lesbians eating their own.” Me, I think it’s funnier than eating caviar on a cracker.

Barbarella rules

Jane Fonda, that sexy minx, has forever earned my respect for doing the impossible: rendering Stephen Colbert speechless. Watch, laugh, repeat. What other show could get references to lesbian covens, freaky three-ways and Gloria Steinem into the same interview? This almost makes me want to see “Georgia Rule.” Almost. As Colbert himself would say, “She nailed it!”

Suddenly, I feel like having a glass of OJ

OK, Jessica Simpson, we get it. Your breasts are big. They’re huge. They’re planetary. They should be avoided by small children and animals for fear of getting sucked into their gravitational orbit. Seriously, we get it. Now, please, put them away. Plus, the girls look angry. Really, really angry. But then, wouldn’t you be a little pissed off if you were constantly being squeezed like oranges at the juice factory? Speaking of OJ, why is she the color of Tang?

Lesbian undertones or just bi-curious boots?

The first pictures of Keira Knightley and Sienna Miller together on the set of their new film “The Best Time of Our Lives” popped up this week. For those keeping score at home, this is the movie that Lindsay Lohan was once attached to and claimed had a “a lesbian undertone.”

“[Keira] is older than me, but she kind of has a mysterious relationship with my lover. And then there’s somewhat of a lesbian undertone.”

Yes, God help me for believing and/or repeating anything Lindsay Lohan says. Apparently all my better instincts just committed suicide. What we do know for sure is that the film centers around the relationship between famed poet Dylan Thomas (Matthew Rhys) and the two women he loves: his wife (Sienna, who replaced Lindsay after she dropped out) and his childhood friend (Keira). If the lesbian undertones are indeed true, it sounds a bit like “Henry & June,” but with different writers and without Uma Thurman.

I’m not sure how I feel about a Keira-Sienna coupling. Sienna doesn’t do much for me and her fashion sense does even less. But it’s still worlds better than any Keira-Lindsay canoodling. The mere thought is almost enough to turn a girl straight.

UPDATE: More shots of Keira and Sienna frolicking at the shore. Of course, since I’m questioning my “stores about lesbian and their life, feeling and so on,” I will scour over these images as research so that I don’t “know little to lesbian.” Ahem.

Back door beauty

Listen attractive actresses of the world, if you’re going to complain about how your attractiveness holds you back and how you wish were recognized for your abilities instead of your body, might I a suggest a pose other than “doggy style” as the best way to make your point. Just a thought. In this month’s Elle, cover girl Jessica Biel discusses her burden of sexiness. No offense to Jessica or her bodacious badonkadonk, but perhaps instead of talking about being taken seriously, she should have listened seriously to the photographer’s instructions. Because I’m pretty sure that when you’re asked to get on your hands and knees and stick your ass in the air, the end result is going to look pretty porny. Seriously, when did Elle become Penthouse? Is the pizza guy going to walk in next as music blares bow-chicka-bow-wow?

My Weekend Crush

While the debate still rages in America about whether Hillary Clinton or any woman, for that matter, could be elected president, the question is being put to the test this weekend in France. On Sunday, French voters will go to the polls and could make history by electing Ségolène Royal the country’s first-ever Madame la Presidente. Now, admittedly, I haven’t followed the daily ins-and-outs of the campaign or the finer points of her political agenda. But what I have seen of the 53-year-old politician, I like. From this outsider’s perspective, she seems to blend strength with compassion in her stances on everything from the economy to education and gay rights. And she is proving to a world that so often wants to place women in prescribed boxes that we can be many things all at once. We can be smart and we can be sexy. We can be gritty and we can be glamorous. We can be tough and we can be tender. And, we can -- if given the chance -- be just as good a president as any man. Happy weekend, all.

UPDATE: Well, damn. Je suis très désolé, mes amis français.

Michelle Rodriguez shoots straight back

As has become the trend with so many celebrities these days, Michelle Rodriguez has gone to the internet to set the record straight. And by straight, I mean non-gay. The actress recently labeled as bisexual by Curve magazine (Lord, don’t get me started on that oh-so-stellar piece of journalism again), wrote a rambling and roaming post on her official website responding to the story. I’ll let you read the whole thing yourself (just be warned, between the small font size, random capitalization and misspelling of the past participle of “be,” you will need some ibuprofen or perhaps a stiff drink -- preferably both).

I’ll give you the unedited highlights with my interpretation below. I had considered responding with interpretive dance, but it’s no fun to watch someone roll into a ball and whimper.

“I thought I would Update you guys on what's going on lately, I know I've bin quiet, for the most part anyway. As far as rumors go of me coming out, I guess curve magazine took it upon themselves to out me on the premise of their own suspicions. Whatever, I'm not insulted, I have a big lesbian following, and for whatever reasons they show me love I'm never going to shun, disrespect or neglect anybody who shows me genuine non-psychotic Love.”

Right, so what I’m taking away from this is that perhaps lesbians should be more choosy about who they show love to.

“Look, I guess what I'm trying to say ultimately is that, if I wanted people to know what I do with my Vagina I would have released A sex video a long time ago. Yet i haven't done that. You know why? Because extremists can rarely be mediators, mass communicators, or chameleons for that matter. I have bin an extremist in my personal life, Yes. Yet I have never really over stepped the boundaries consciously in the public eye.”

Hmm, is she saying everyone who is out is an extremist? Or that everyone who releases a sex tape is an extremist? Because I think a more accurate term for the latter would be an exhibitionist.

“If I were Ellen I may get away with: ' The I'm Gay' level of exposure, but I'm not a comedian, I like men; ( real One's Anyway) and I've only bin in this business for 7 years not 20. Years of recognition can give a person lots of leverage especially if you have many years of positive recognition under your belt. There are certain things that can close doors between a celebrity and certain audiences.”

Uh, so I believe here she is saying that if she didn’t like men, she would be ready to come out in about 13 years.

“I want to communicate on a worldly scale, i don't care if your a bigot, highly religious, gay, poor, rich,stupid, or intelligent, i close no door when it comes to my media work. Some people, ( I call them 'the sheep People'), are highly susceptible to outside influences and suggestions, Especially that of recognizable media channels. These people may make up most of the worlds population. They may not want to even watch a film I produce, direct, or star in, because of Mediocre Rumors produced by insect sucubus media hounds looking for a quick buck.”

While I appreciate her ambitious (attempted) use of the word “succubus,” somehow I feel the irony of its definition might be lost on her.

Listen, I respect Michelle’s right to come out on her own terms, but I take issue with her reasoning. She thinks she can’t come out or even be perceived as gay (really, she kind of flip-flops between the two) because people will hate her irrationally. Well, duh. Welcome to the club. And you know what the solution to that is? More people coming out. Fear of the unknown motivates most of the hatred in this world. And the more people see that gay people are normal and everywhere (and famous), the less they will be able to randomly hate us. No one said doing the right thing was easy or painless. But progress doesn’t come without courage.

Basically, this whole thing makes me tired. And it makes me think that possibly Michelle has a lot of storage issues at home. Otherwise, why else would she keep talking about all those bins?

Betty gets medieval, musical and more

Only THREE more Ugly Bettys left this season and, oh kiddies, tonight is gonna be good. How good? Think Betty, a renaissance restaurant and a mechanical steed. Really, what’s not to love? Plus, all kinds of Betty news broke this week including tidbits on the season finale May 17. Popping in for the big show will be Tony-winner Kristin Chenoweth, Bound-babe Gina Gershon and Mexico’s own Ugly Betty Angélica Vale (star of the telenovela “La Fea Más Bella”). Two Bettys for the price of one? Awesome.
In equally awesome news, get ready for an all-singing, all-dancing episode sometime next season. Not since “Once More With Feeling” has the prospect of a musical made me this happy. At a panel discussion on the show at the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences in Hollywood April 30, producers revealed that a sing-along was in the works. I’m already envisioning Wilhelmina’s number as something very “Priscilla Queen of the Desert” meets “Evita” crossed with “The Bitch is Back.”

In somewhat less awesome news, Salma Hayek probably won’t be returning as a guest star anytime soon. At the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences event, Eric Mabius (who will always be Tim to me) told TV Guide not to expect Salma’s real-life pregnancy to be written into a new storylines for Sophia.

“[Salma] has made it very clear that she’s not going to be returning. She likes to keep her private life very private.”

Bummer. But, we’ll always have our fond memories of that elevator scene. Apparently, America Ferrera has her own special memories of Salma in that arena. As she told E! during the same event, she took the role as Betty because of Salma’s flawless sales pitch, not to mention her flawless breasts. As Salma told her how “Ugly Betty” would be the “biggest hit since Mary Tyler Moore,” America admited to being distracted.

“I was staring at her boobs the whole time.”

You and me both, America. You and me both. Speaking of great boobs, have you seen America (No. 23) as one of People en Espanol’s “Los 50 Más Bellos 2007”? Damn, that girl is gorgeous. I believe a “Hubba!” and a “Bubba!” are in order here.

Buffy #3: The Return of Willow

Willow! Willow is back! Willow is back with a vengeance! (Relax, not the black-eyed, back-haired, black-hearted vengeance we saw from her at the end of season six.) The third comic in the Buffy Season 8 series hits store shelves today. Looks like something Wicca this way comes. Sunnydale’s resident red-haired lesbian witch makes her first full appearance in the new comics to face off with former-witch, turned-rat, turned-back-to-witch Amy in a “witches’ battle royal.” Our cover girl is looking good. Damn good. Check out those pants. And that top. Are we sure this isn’t Vamp Willow? Speaking of Willow looking unWillow-like (but in a very good way), have you seen the shots of Alyson Hannigan in a bikini making the rounds? Oh the freckles…they’re…everywhere.

Ellen gets horizontal

Ellen DeGeneres hurt her back over the weekend and is under doctor’s orders to stay in bed. Now, if a doctor put me on bedrest, I would stay home, eat Cheetos and watch bad daytime television while calling my friends and telling them how awesome it is to be under doctor’s order to stay in bed. But not our gal, Ellen. The Great Panted One is doing her show this week from bed – a bed wheeled right out into the middle of her talk show set. Wow, that’s dedication. Today she’ll be on her back with Ryan Seacrest (insert joke here about this being the first woman Ryan has ever had on her back) and then Wednesday she’ll get horizontal for Lindsay Lohan (insert joke here about La Lohan taking her new Sapphic responsibilities perhaps a little too seriously). Now, if only there was a way to get all the guests in bed, too... Hey, look at that, someone’s listening.

p.s. Get well soon, Big E. Hope you’re back (oh, the puns!) up and at ’em again in no time.

p.p.s. Awww, check out this clip of Ellen talking with her doctor about her injury. Even while drugged out of her noggin on painkillers, the woman is spot on with the funny. That’s our gal.