My Weekend Crush

[Click to Embiggen the Queer Ladies Saying GTFO]

I’ve decided that my aesthetic for 2017 is going to be Queer Women Calmly Dismissing Dudes Who Can’t Take a Fucking Hint. Like, ladies, we have all been there. We have all endured this exact same situation. We have all been interrupted when we are just trying to enjoy each other’s company. Yes, all queer women. In fact, all women – period. But you know what, in this Grab ‘Em By The Pussy Age we have to be even more resolute in standing our ground. Men who are not invited into our spaces need to get the fuck out. So, dudes, you are officially on notice. Speak when spoken to. Interject when invited. But do not assume your presence is exactly what’s missing whenever a woman, two women, a group of women are sitting somewhere. Because, in fact, in almost every instance the exact opposite it true. Yes, dudes. Really. Happy weekend, all – but especially all you ladies.

Tank Top Tuesday: Play Gay Edition

You know what gay ladies love? Well, lots of things, really. But besides cats, tea, recreational sporting events and other ladies in general, what gay ladies really love is are actresses who play us on TV (or movies, but come on everyone eventually watches movies on their TV so potayto/potahto – say that last bit out lout in your head). So thought I’d give a few of these fine thespian ladies the old tank top salute and thank them for their faithful, super gay service. A very small sampling of the ladies who will happily play gay for fun and profit. Also, who doesn’t like looking at pictures of Piper Perabo? She has a Twitter now, by the way – and has already tweeted Lena. Sigh. Now off to watch that movie on my TV again.

Rutina Wesley

Did you watch the “True Blood” season premiere? No spoilers, but holy shit.

Famke Janssen

Remember when she made out with Kelly Preston in “Eulogy?” Of course you do.

Megan Follows

Remember when she was a gay lady making Kerry Weaver feel uncomfortable on “ER?” Maybe not, but thank heavens there’s video.

Berta Hernández

I didn’t keep up with “Tierra de lobos” like I should have. Is everyone still a lesbian, and alive?

Shay Mitchell

I’m pretty sure burning that plaid shirt in the Season 3 premiere of “Pretty Little Liars,” was a major felony in lesbian court. But having met Shay, I can safely say we should forgive her anything ever on the planet.

Charlize Theron

Saw “Prometheus” over the weekend. Eh. Guess now I am holding out my high heroine hope for “Brave.”

Naomi Watts

“Mulholland Drive” remains one of the hottest/most confusing movies ever.

Allison McAtee

“Bloomington” wasn’t really a great movie. But it did give legions of budding lesbians hope that their college would be filled with lascivious professors like Catherine.

Evan Rachel Wood

In order of my favorite gay roles for EVR ERW I’d have to go “Once & Again,” “True Blood” and then “Thirteen.” But, really, they’re all pretty close. Also, dammit, I still miss Queen Sophie-Anne.

Tank Top Tuesday: Superhero Edition

I like superheroes. I particularly like female superheroes. Sadly, there aren’t too many of them around, particularly on the big screen. Which kind of makes no sense because female superheroes tend to wear skin-tight outfits. And we as a culture love to look at women in skin-tight outfit. So it’s a win-win, really. Of course, the other side is that our culture tends to be scared/dismissive of women with power. And you don’t get much more powerful than a female superhero. So I guess our society’s love of sexy ladies is overridden by its need to subjugate all ladies.* Hm. That was kinda deep for a post featuring a lot of sexy ladies in skin-tight tank tops. My point is, we need more movies with female superheroes. Particulary good ones, because I have sat through too many really bad female superhero movies than I care to acknowledge. And as excited – duh, Joss Whedon and superheroes, of course I’m excited – as I am about “The Avengers” opening this weekend, I’m still bummed that the ladies are fewer and less prominent than the gentlemen. So let’s hear it for the ladies in lycra. Long may they save the world.

*Temporary wording fail. All fixed. Carry on, sisters in spandex.

Scarlett Johansson, Black Widow

Whatever boys, I’m all about Scarlett and her incredible thigh power.

Anna Paquin, Rogue

I kinda miss her as a brunette. But I really miss that white streak.

Jessica Alba, The Invisible Woman

Any movie that casts Jessica Alba and then makes her invisible is missing the point.

Charlize Theron, Aeon Flux

I wish this movie had been better, like a lot.

Halle Berry, Storm and Catwoman

Oh, Halle – you know I love you. But, alas, you’re really not at your best in superhero films.

Cobie Smulders, Agent Maria Hill

I want Cobie and Scarlett to have a lot of screentime together. Because the boy shippers can’t have all the fun at “The Avengers.”

Famke Janssen, Jean Grey/Phoenix

I love her eyebrows. Yes, I realize those aren’t what I should be staring at.

Helen Slater, Supergirl

True story, my dad took me to see Supergirl when I was a kid and afterward on the way out I accidentally hit one of the theater armrests and broke it in half. And my dad said, “Whoa there, looks like I’ve got my own little Supergirl.”

Eartha Kitt, Catwoman

Now that’s how you do Catwoman, Halle.

Which female superheroes are you holding out for – so to speak?

Bedtime stories

How is it that it's been just three days since my vacation and already I am feel sleep deprived? Clearly, I have a problem. Clearly, this problem is serious since it was not remedied by a whole week of sleeping in until past 11 a.m. Though, thinking about this issue in the wee small hours of the morning, I realized that perhaps my problem is simply motivation. Because, well, if any of these women were in my bed I'd have no problem crawling under the covers. Of course, whether we'd sleep or not is entirely another matter. Hmm, perhaps this is the wrong kind of motivation after all. Wrong but delicious.

Famke JanssenAudrey TautouAngelina JolieJulie DelpyMargaret ChoKate WinsletSarah ShahiTina Fey

Come to think of it, maybe a good night's sleep is overrated.

My Weekend Crush

Of course, everyone talks about Famke Janssen's legs. To be sure, they are magnificent. When she wrapped them around James Bond you envied the putz for being in what had to be the most pleasurable death grip ever. But it's not those killer thighs that make me weak whenever I see Famke. It's her brow. Not the eyebrows themselves really, but the whole ridge. The sheer expanse of it, the way it curves and carves its way across her face is just, to steal a term from her native tongue, schitterend. Just as brilliant are rumors that Famke may appear on the new “The L Word” spin-off “The Farm” with Leisha Hailey. OK, her addition hasn't been confirmed yet. Sure, the 20-minute pilot hasn't been picked up yet. And, granted, I have some major reservations about it being set in a prison. But it would still be another opportunity for beautiful women to do beautiful (and hopefully naked) things together on my television. Plus, we already know that Famke she can make with the gay. So the possibility of her making gay in prison with Leisha and handcuffs? Goodbye, reservations. Hello, heaven. Happy weekend, all.

Famke’s got a gun

Famke Janssen is coming to a television near you. The former Bond girl turned X-Woman turned transsexual seductress (whew, that’s a lot to put on a business card…) has signed on to star in a new NBC cop drama. According to the Hollywood Reporter, Famke will play the lead in the police procedural from the creators of “House.” Now, I love me some “House” (to recap: Hugh Laurie -- brilliant. Jennifer Morrison -- dreamy). And the thought of another hot female cop makes me happy in all the right places. Plus, with any luck, she’ll do a lot of making out on couches. Kelly Preston, presumably, not included.