My, My, My Nostalgia

How about a mid-week dance break? Is it gay? Well, Steve Zahn’s character was gay, but celibate. Still, one could argue that Janeane Garofalo’s character was every queer alterna-girl’s root. Since I’m feeling nostalgic (and/or old) these days, I thought we’d wax on a little about “Reality Bites.” I remember thinking this movie was so cool when it came out 32 years ago. I mean, I’m a Gen X kid, so this was our movie. And who amongst us hasn’t dreamed of raiding the convenience station snack racks on their parent’s gas card while dancing to “My Sharona”? And best yet, not a cellphone on sight.

It's Ghostime!

Now, I wouldn’t normally get excited for Spooky Season a half year out. Nor do I generally get too hyped about sequels because we all know about the law of diminishing returns. But, 26 years later, I am definitely, definitely going to see “Beetlejuice Beetlejuice.” No just because Winona Ryder is back as as Lydia Deetz and not just because Catherine O’Hara is back as Delia Deetz and not just because Jenna Ortega is joining as Astrid Deetz. It’s all those things, and the fact that I still quote parts of “Beetlejuice” a quarter century and change later. (“I am alone. I am utterly alone.” It may only be April, but I’m already planning my all-black outfit for Sept. 6.

Lady Dance Lessons

Remember when celebrities used to slink away to foreign countries to make flashy, high-profile commercials so as not to damage their brands and appear to be sellouts? Like, the whole premise of “Lost in Translation” is based on the former practice of quietly going to Japan to shill for major corporations. Those days, clearly, are long gone as capitalism gotta capitalism in every aspect of our public and private lives. What celebrity isn’t trying to sell you a credit card or coffee maker or bottle of over-priced perfume these days?

Anyway, this is an overly complicated way of saying because of the glut of celebrity advertising I somehow missed this commercial for H&M starring Winona Ryder and Elizabeth Olsen (pre-WandaVision) back when it came out in 2018. TikTok helped resurface it to my attention, well a short clip of Winona and Liz dancing at least, that made me hunt for the full clip which led me to the ad which led me to my long-winded intro.

Now, I know this commercial is trying to sell me clothes. But if you stop before the logo shows at the end it plays like a PSA about how boring men are to dance with and how you should try a series of female dance partners instead until a beautiful, mysterious woman shows up to sweeps you off your feet. What? Stop the video at 1:14 and tell me this isn’t your take away from this whole thing. And if that’s the case, I’m buying what they’re selling.

Low Ryder

Because this is the Fuck the Patriarchy Golden Globes week here at Surrenders, I thought we’d discuss that insane L’Oreal commercial that aired during the ceremony. You know the one, where a dark-haired actress prepares nervously for her big moment in a dressing room while inspirational music swells. And then, ever so slowly, she turns to reveal it is WINONA FREAKING RYDER. And then the tagline is, “Everyone loves a comeback. Damaged hair deserves one too.”

Holy fucking shitballs, did L’Oreal just compare Winona Ryder’s career to damaged hair?

Look, it’s true, everyone loves a comeback. And, yes, it would be nice if all our hair could be lustrous and beautifully conditioned. But JFC on a cracker, is this an awkwardly juxtaposed message.

As well constructed (seriously, I’m sorry they chose that particular keyframe for the video – not to mention the title – because the whole and entire drama not to mention impact of the thing was the reveal of Winona Freaking Ryder at the end) as this ad was an strangely emotional, it’s also one of those things they would never, ever, ever ever ever ever do to a man.

Has Robert Downey Jr. ever been in an ad that compared his comeback to nice hair? Has Rob Lowe been in a commercial comparing his career renaissance to deeply conditioned roots? Was Mel Gibson subjected to hair styling product metaphors? Nope, nope and fuck that guy.

My point is, it’s a terribly superficial comparison and our beloved Winona’s career arch deserves more than allegories about shiny hair.

My Weekend Crush

Winona Ryder at the premiere of “The Commitments” in 1991. Winona Ryder at the premiere of “Paterson” in 2016. Twenty-five years later, same T-shirt and still the coolest girl in the room. I look forward to finally being able to binge “Stranger Things” Season 2 this weekend. Happy Winona weekend, all.

Tank Top Tuesday: Technically Edition

Right, fine, so technically they aren’t all wearing tank tops in the above image. But I think, deep down, in spirit they are. Goodness, I had forgotten how much I loved seeing the ladies of the United States Women’s National Team all over the place. So consider this a little refresher for everyone. Plus, you know, who can resist a good tank top – even if only in spirit.

Beyoncé

Technically, this is a swimsuit. But, as I always say, a swimsuit is just a tank top that doesn’t know when to stop.

Alycia Debnam-Carey

Technically, this is a muscle shirt. But, girl, the boots more than make up for that.

Zoe Kravitz

Technically, this is a camisole. But, we all know, a camisole is just a tank top that wants to Netflix and chill.

Brandi Carlile

Technically, this is a vest. But, duh, that makes it even gayer.

Pink

Technically, this is just netting. But, please, like you’re complaining.

Winona Ryder

Technically, this is overalls. But, yeah, overalls.

Christine and the Queens

Technically, this is really a tank top. But, I told you, I am just really into her music right now.

Naked Lady Monday

All this politics can make a girl weary. So while tomorrow we will all have our eyes glued to the Electoral College, today here is a little something else to ogle as a momentary distraction. And if that momentary distraction is in the form of a nude Kate Winslet, all the better. So here are some more lovely distractions to ogle – in a respectful way, of course. If it has got to be Monday, the ladies might as well be naked. But on Tuesday, be sure to vote.

Kristen Wiig

Funny is sexy. Case in point.

Olivia Wilde

Yet another reason to hate the existence of white jean jackets.

Charlize Theron

This was originally shot for a watch ad. To which I say, what watch?

Winona Ryder

I approve of this wardrobe malfunction.

Kerry Washington

If she dresses like this on “Scandal,” I definitely need to start watching.

Our Firefighter Friends

Let’s hear it for first responders. Also, abs.

Gender Fuck Thursday

Yes, yes. I know. This is a lot of Charlize for one week. But I just cannot resist a crisp white shirt and a pair of suspenders. They go together like peanut butter and jelly. The moon and stars. The Captain and Tennille. OK, you see where I’m going with this. And while they’re perfectly nice by themselves (well, I don’t know about The Captain – he seems needy), together something special happens. And that something is hot. Really hot. But you don’t have to trust me. Just trust Charlize & Co.

Emma WatsonIf Hermione looked like this she would have watched softball instead of Quidditch.

Diane KrugerThe tuxedo shirt and bow ties says business. The sleeveless arms say parrrrr-tay.

Kate MoennigShhh. Don’t speak. You’ll ruin the religious experience.

Winona RyderWell, I didn’t say you had to button the shirt.

Kristen BellOr that the shirt had to have any buttons, period.

Rachel MaddowNow comes the part in the religious experience where you should be leaving small offerings as a sign of respect.

Keira KnightleyOK, fine. She’s not wearing a crisp white shirt. My bad.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Break the Tie Edition

Tied! Untied! Tied! Untied! Tied! Untied! OK, you get where I’m going here, right? I’ve discussed my love of a nice tie – bow or neck – in the past. But the question always remains – tied or untied? Which is sexier? Often it’s situational. Start of the date: tied. End of the date: untied. Really, the great thing about a tie is its ability to be either or, whenever you want it. Fine, too much kumbatie for you? Then go ahead and decide for yourself. Tied? Untied? Delightfully loose like Noni? Some choices are just…fun.

Janelle MonaeTied, definitely tied.

Jane LynchWait, untied, definitely untied.

Noomi RapaceDammit. No, I mean it, tied.

Kate WinsletNo! I was so wrong. Untied!

Regina SpektorFine. I give up.

Monica BellucciI said I give up.

Hope SoloNow you’re just hurting me.

Naomi WattsOfficially dead.

Right, so what did you decide? Tied or untied? I know, both.

Gender Fuck Thursday

There is no one way to properly gender fuck. In fact, it’s the variation that makes it so terribly delicious. Who says you need to wear a tie? Or a jacket? Or even pants? Wait, I think I’m getting off track here. What it’s really all about is owning your look and looking damn good no matter what you’re wearing. Sure, we can’t all look as flawless as Katharine Hepburn in a full suit and hat. But these ladies sure do their part fucking with gender in their own special way.

Billie Piper in suspenders
Winona Ryder in a smoking jacket
Evan Rachel Wood in a uniform
Zhang Ziyi in an Annie Hall
Pink in a vest
Melanie Laurent in no jacket
Piper Perabo in no tie
Drew Barrymore in no shirt
Sofia Coppola in an untied tie
Julie Andrews in a neatly tied tie
Gemma Arterton in a tuxedo
Keeley Hawes & Rachael Stirling in full tux, tails & top hat

Ah, yes, variety is truly the spice of gender fuck.

Crack open a good book

Every New Year, I make a resolution to read more. Not that I don’t read, clearly. I read every single day, all the time, non-fucking-stop. Newspapers, magazines, books, The Internets. But I don’t always read the best writing. And I don’t always read as many really great books as I’d like to. So this New Year, once again, I’m making a pledge to be good to myself and my brain and pick up some excellent books. They say print is dead, but you’ll never look as sexy holding a Kindle as you do a book – trust me.

Christina Ricci
Audrey Hepburn
Emily Haines
Marilyn Monroe
Evangeline Lilly
Marion Cotillard
Jessica Stam
Kate Winslet
Winona Ryder
Alyson HanniganWillow is my favorite book nerd, period.

So ladies, let me have it, what should I be reading this year?