Music Monday: Pheobe Pan

Now, here is a female musician who can actually pull off a cool surprise show at Madison Square Garden. From Phoebe’s surprise MSG show where tickers were only $1 and the proceeds went to the Community Justice Exchange’s National Bail Fund Network, to her entirely phone/leak-free tour for her her album, she is modeling a welcome alternative to the attentionmaxxing-at-all-cost celebrity set. Indeed the lack of publicity, save for this rather charming appearance on Fallon (I know, ew, but the options have dwindled…) is a win for under-exposure. I mean, even I think the kid band is pretty cute. (Yes, it probably is a little on the nose considering her album has a Peter Pan theme, but we have a mad king gilding his lair in gold while robbing the world, this whole timeline is on the nose.) Happy Monday, kittens.

Heated Rivalry: Lesbian Edition

I didn’t know the marketing departments for major streaming services were in the fanfiction business. But what else would you call this femflash promo for “Heated Rivalry” featuring Olympic gold medalist Amber Glenn and cosplay influencer Lena Lemon? Set to t.A.T.u.’s “All the Things She Said,” which was used for maximum yearning during a key scene in the show, the short imagines a flirty (I want to say sensual, but I actually really hate the word sensual…) encounter between apparent rival skaters played by Amber and Lena. Like, sharing a water bottle? Girls, settle down now. As much as I appreciate including us sapphics in all the “Heated Rivalry” hoopla, I would appreciate even more a “Heated Rivalry” of our own. Oh wait, we had that with “A League of Our Own,” but Amazon canceled it. More reasons to hate Jeff Bezos and his dumb megayachts. Right, back to fan fantasy I guess.

Sweet Lady Reality TV Kisses

Yes, I know, Pride is really and truly over. But for the last couple years near the end of Pride I’ve decided, “Self, it’s time to start watching something really stupid and really gay.” And it doesn’t get much gayer and stupider than queer reality dating shows. (Also there’s no show more endangered, but more on that later.)

Last year, I inexplicably started watching the second season of “The Ultimatum: Queer Love.” And this year, well, this year my inexplicable show is “I Kissed a Girl.” OK, there is an explanation. I kept seeing posts about the start of the second (and final, see what I was saying above) season of the show. But it gets stupider, because being on this side of the Pond we can’t even watch the new season yet. So I resigned myself to the first season. And here we are. So, you know, no spoilers – from two freaking years ago. Of course all these shows need some gimmick. You can’t see them! You have to get married! You have to kiss before you even say hello! Granted, I can stomach it better when it’s queer content. I refuse to watch straight dating shows because ewww.

Anyway, gay and stupid forever! Wonder when we’ll get the second season stateside? I hear it’s stupid fun. Now if they’ll just stop Canceling Our Gays, I might be able to catch up. Maybe even find some smart and gay shows too. What? A gay gal can dream.

Anyone else have go-to stupid and gay viewing around this time of year?

Tank Top Tuesday: What’s New, Katy-Cat?

This is not a drill. This is Katy O’Brian in a tank top holding a kitten. Some days, I’m just thankful for the little things. Particularly on a Tuesday.

Music Monday: Young Miko Edition

Well now, if this isn’t another reason to regret not taking Spanish in high school. But what’s not lost in translation is that Young Miko is hot. The tats, the eyebrow slit, the rings, the piercings, the TATS. The 28-year-old out lesbian Puerto Rican star is kinda like the sapphic Bad Bunny. And I’m not just saying that because he’s the only other Puerto Rican latin rapper-singer I know – I swear, they even did a song together! But I only recently tuned into Young Miko and her swagger. And despite needing a translator app to know exactly what she is singing about, I know enough. I think the whole “Baby-Baby, I'm a freak” chorus in English helps clear things up. Ahem. Happy Monday, kittens.

Selling Something

As long as we’re talking shit, WITHIN THE FAMILY, can we talk about Ellen DeGeneres hawking her skincare line on infomercials now? Because, when I think of Ellen, I think of wrinkle-fighting systems! But, seriously, what happened to all her talk show money? Did she max out with that “cottage” in the Cotswolds for her and Portia?

Look, one of the clearest recession indicators out there is that celebrities are selling all kinds of random shit these days. The most egregious, of course, is that Goopy Lady hawking those multi-million dollar Israeli luxury apartments while that country’s government continues to brutalize Gaza. Like, she truly earned the nickname Gwynocide with blissfully tone deaf lines like, “Waking up for a morning run can be brutal!”

I mean, by that metric Ellen’s Kind Science skincare line is only minorly cringe, and not ignoring a genocide cringe. Still, I have grown to really resent products that happily feed into our Beauty Industrial Complex – a multi-billion dollar industry that makes even more money the worse we feel about ourselves and things like, oh I don’t know, natural aging. Also, I see Ellen is also still trying to capitalize on the whole “I’m the Kind One” stuff. Which is, um, interesting.

Now, lest you think I’m just picking on a The Formerly Great Panted One, plenty of straight white men are also lapping lustily from the Late Stage Capitalism trough. John Cena and Walton Goggins seem to be in a commercial arms race to see who can sell out the most. They’re both the spokesmen for not one, not two, but THREE brands each right now (Hefty trash bags, Nature’s Own bread and Chime banking for Cena and Walmart, GoDaddy and Google Goggles for Goggins).

Look, I will always be thankful to Ellen for coming out when she did. Someone has to be the first and she paid a price for many years for being a pioneer. But that also doesn’t absolve her of the claims of creating a toxic work environment on her subsequent talk show.

While I get it, it’s hard out there – even, I guess, for rich and famous celebrities. So I try not to shame folks for getting that bag. But people who are already much more well off than the average person going this hard for capitalism? Makes me long for the “Lost in Translation” days where movie stars had to travel to foreign countries to make some extra scratch on the side, lest they be called a corporate shill. All I’m saying is if one more person tries to sell me wrinkle cream, I’m getting out the “Shame” bell.

Not Krashlyn, Still

So, now that it’s no longer Pride, can we talk a little shit? Like, are Ashlyn Harris and Sophia Bush (a.k.a. Not Krashlyn) having a run of bad publicity or what? First, Ashlyn gets a questionably deserved documentary made about her the *checks notes* backup goalkeeper for the 2015 and 2019 World Cup teams. Granted, they won, but they pick that lesbian above the other lesbians? And then Sophia is revealed on the creepy Dialog membership list, associated with *checks notes* uber creepy racist billionaire creep Peter Thiel. She insists she only went to two conferences and it wasn’t creepy. Anyway, just saying. They say all publicity is good publicity? But have they met judgmental sapphics? Because *low whistles in lesbian* Also, what are those outfits? Hey, it’s July – wlw critique is allowed again.

Ride On, Sarah Stallion

Let’s end on some unadulterated queer joy. Two wlw ladies who know how to have fun and how to make crowds swoon. Sure, neither is technically wearing a tank top. But halter dresses are in a gray zone, and it’s Megan Thee Stallion and Sarah Paulson. Happy last day of Pride, y’all! Have even more fun and be even gayer than these two at the Tonys. I know you can do it, kittens. I believe in you.

Music Monday: Melissa & k.d. Forever

Told ya the Gay Goes Up to Eleven in these final days of Pride. It’s hard to be more unabashedly and joyously lesbian than Melissa Etheridge and k.d. Lang dueting on “You Can Sleep While I Drive.” That it still feels radical looking back at them perform this together 32 years ago says a lot about where we are 32 years later. I wonder where we’ll all be in another 32 years. I hope, even gayer and much freer for all. Happy last Monday of Pride, kittens.

My Weekend Crush

You know what, Rosie deserves this. She looks great. She obviously feels great. She’s doing just generally great since escaping the United States. Truly, good for her. I know when she first fled I was kinda disappointed. But Rosie, and her decades-long feud with That Orange Turd, had pretty legitimate fears. And, and I cannot emphasize this enough, she was right about him ALL ALONG. I think Rosie has more than earned her flowers at this point. She got turned into a national punchline by too many for simply being a successful woman who wasn’t a Size 0 – and that was before the whole, and she’s also a big ol’ lesbo stuff. I know I’ve been a little uncharitable in the past as well. I think with fresh eyes her legacy as that other out lesbian daytime TV talk show host becomes much clearer. Please accept all these flowers as an apology for any antipathy in the past. Live your best life, and thanks for trying to warn everyone. Happy last weekend of Pride, all.

My Weekend Crush

Well I let this holiday weekend get away from me. Kind of shocking that the Orange Turd hasn't repealed Juneteenth as a federal holiday. Maybe he was too busy waging war on algae. Anyway, please enjoy a few lessons in intersectionality and the need for diversity for societies to advance from The Audre Lorde. I wonder when we, as a society, will finally learn this lesson. Not nearly soon enough. Happy what is left of the weekend, all.

Gender Fuck Thursday: DeLaria Edition

Did we know Lea DeLaria was married? Where have I been? Congrats, Big Boo! Lea is one of the very first out comics I ever remember seeing on TV. She was the first out comic to appear on late-night with a 1993 appearance on “The Arsenio Hall Show.” A queer trailblazer in every sense of the world. And, since it’s Thursday, those blazers aren’t too bad either. A cool butch before masc was a thing, and cool now no matter what’s a thing. Mazel tov, Lea.

Tank Top Tuesday: More L

I mean if we’re going to honor lesbian tank tops during Pride, let’s post some of the OGs. And did you know THE Ilene Chaiken is writing fan fiction a new short story in “The L Word” universe? It's part of Ilene and Jennifer Beal’s Run-A-Muck, the media company also behind that wlw pro basketball rom-com. Admittedly, I haven’t signed up to read “The Long Story.” I don’t know how I feel about revisiting Bette and Tina’s continued adventures n this way. But, you know, I’ll certainly revisit the tank tops.

Music Monday: Kehlani Edition

There’s a reason Shane and Kehlani hooked up. And if you watch this video, you know why. In fact, Shane should be so lucky. The out queer performer is back with a new song featuring none other than Missy freaking Elliott. And a rainbow! Is the object of Kehlani’s affection left a little intentionally ambiguous? Maybe. But, hey, the straights need to feel included too, I guess. But honestly, who cares. Because Kehlani is looking more than Shane today. And that’s what really matters. What? It’s Pride, it’s homophobic to not allow us to (respectfully) objectify each other. Happy Monday, kittens.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Stephanie Hsu

Since we’re talking about Broadway babes this week, let’s not forget our new Janet. As in “Dammit, Janet, we love you!” Not only is out queer actress Stephanie Hsu the new Janet in Broadway’s “Rocky Horror Picture Show,” she is half way to her nominations EGOT. She got an Oscar nom for “Everything Everywhere All at Once,” and now a Tony nom for “Rocky.” She just needs to record an album and then get herself some AppleTV+ series for that Emmy nom. Piece of cake. Oh, and thanks for the suit – and the ladyspreading. Ahem.

Girls Like Movies About Girls Liking Girls

What can’t Lesbian Jesus do? Sing a song about girls liking girls. Make a video for your song about girls liking girls. Write a book about your video for your song about girls liking girls. Write and direct a movie about your book based on your video for your song about girls liking girls. And then cast a little doppelganger for yourself in the movie about your book based on your video for your song about girls liking girls. Truly, what can't Hayley Kiyoko do? I know I’m not really in the age bracket for this movie anymore, but I appreciate the get-up-and-make-it-gay-yourself of it all. Way to get it done, Lesbian Jesus.

My Weekend Crush

Finally, a movie that teases possible sapphic content that I’m fairly confident won’t disappoint me with just a bunch of queerbaiting. Thanks for kinda nothing, “Mother Mary,” Verity,” “Her Private Hell” et al. But “Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma,” from everything I’ve read since its premiere at Cannes, is the real deal. And the final trailer and poster seem to emphasize that point. Also, and this is not a spoiler, just a wild guess and hopeful projection, don’t Gillian and Hannah look like the ultimate sapphic Final Girls in that poster? Make it so, Jane Schoenbrun! I loved their “I Saw the TV Glow” with such an unexpected passion, I can’t help but have the highest of hopes for Miasma. And, as all you kittens already know, I don’t even like horror movies. But between this cast who I feel equally confident in saying have both kissed women in real life and storyteller’s singularly universal use of trans allegories, yeah, bring on all the Little Deaths, whichever kind they may be. Ahem. Happy weekend, all.

Tank Top Tuesday: WNBGAY Rookies

Welcome to the WNBGAY, rookies! In honor of the start of the WNBA season last month, here is a roundup of all the women loving women who were drafted and playing their inaugural years. How someone hasn’t optioned the story of last year’s No. 1 pick and this year’s No. 1 pick drafted to the same team while being in love into the next “Heated Rivalry” already is beyond me. But then maybe Paige and Azzi are being smart and waiting for a really, really, reallyreally good offer. Get that bag, ladies. And that ball. But, you know, in sapphic way.

p.s. Look at all those jersey tank tops. Ah, Tuesdays during Pride.

All the WNBGAY rookies this season:

Azzi Fudd: No. 1 Pick to Dallas Wings

Olivia Miles: No. 2 Pick to Minnesota Lynx

Lauren Betts: No. 4 Pick to Washington Mystics*

*Autostraddle lists her, but Outsports does not. So, apologies if this is just wishful-gay-thinking.

Taina Mar: No. 14 Pick to Seattle Storm

Rori Harmon: No. 34 Pick to Washington Mystics

Music Monday: More Like Muna Monday

I don’t have a great sense for how famous MUNA is. I mean, in my little gay world they’re kind of a big deal. But I willfully admit to living in a super sapphic bubble these days where I blissfully do not know the names of any of the straight people on those rich-people-screaming-at-each-other shows. Anyway, as I was saying, I hope MUNA remains/becomes properly famous. Because queer ladies singing about their love of/hots for other queer ladies will never not be awesome in my book. Famous or not famous. Happy Monday, kittens.

Music Monday: Going Gigi

I’m not a Coachella person. I mostly never get FOMO about it and, truly, I barely know half the bands headlining these days. Have at it kids (though, perhaps you’d be interested in knowing the owner of Coachella is a billionaire MAGA dickhead - wait, is that redundant? - whose money supports shitty things like ICE’s mass deportations) ANYway.

I say all this because I did learn at least one thing from Coachella this year. And that’s that I have been sleeping on Gigi Perez and definitely shouldn’t have. I saw she brought Hayley Koyoko out on stage to sing “Girls Like Girls” during her Coachella set and was like, “Hello.” So I Googled her (-AI results, because fuck AI AND billionaire MAGA dickheads), and goodness. Where have I been? I actually am familiar with her music already, but didn’t know it. That is thanks to her rise to fame on TikTok with snippets of her “Sailor Song” playing over, kinda everything. But for whatever reason I didn’t clue in until Lesbian Jesus offered an assist. See, who says I’m not spiritual.

So here’s to a young, talented, queer artist singing her truth and making me want to sing sapphic sea shanties against the setting sun. Happy Monday, kittens.