This Is Not a Quiz, Lady

Well, the January Doldrums officially start this week (I mean, if they haven’t started for you already). So how about some kooky fun? Do you want to watch two skilled comedic actors ham it up in a feel-good story about sisters and being smart and somehow also dognapping? Of course you do. Like, you had me at Sandra Oh and Awkwafina play sisters. I am loving this recent trend of kinda off-the-wall comedies featuring Asian casts. (See: “Joy Ride” and the one that started it all “Everything Everywhere All At Once”). Also, and this has nothing to do with the movie’s quality but is another reason to love it, this thing is the perfect length. One hour and 39 minutes. Not everything needs to be two-or-three hours. Gimme that 99-minute movie and let us continue on with our lives, even if that just means blissfully rotting away watching even more movies to combat those January Doldrums. Not everything needs to be “Oppenheimer” length, even Oppenheimer. Anyway, watch “Quiz Lady,” it’s fun.

Sister Act

I guess this is the week for me to write about movies that don’t necessarily have any gay content, but have casts that this gay lady adores. So here’s another one. A while back I got all excited because Sandra Oh and Awkwafina were going to play sisters in a new comedy. If you need to know why I got excited about this movie, may I repeat the phrase, “Sandra Oh and Awkwafina play sisters.” Anyway, the trailer “Quiz Lady” has done nothing to dampen my enthusiasm (though, the wrist thing, no thank you). Instead I’m even more excited and ready to watch them hijinks it up. Seriously, two Asian-female led comedies coming (this and the uproarious “Joy Ride”) in one year? What is this, my birthday? Actually, its Hulu drop date of Nov. 4 really will be a belated birthday present. So, you know, happy birthday to me.

Oscars So Oscars

So, that happened? In a year with ample great films directed by women (Greta’s “Little Women,” Lulu’s “The Farewell,” Céline’s “Portrait of a Lady on Fire,” Marielle’s “A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood,” Lorene’s “Hustlers,” Olivia’s “Booksmart”) and truly great performances by women of color (Lupita in “Us,” Awkwafina in “The Farewell,” J-Lo in “Hustlers”) how is it even mathematically possible that only one person of color was nominated in the acting categories and a big, ugly zero women were nominated for best directing in for this year’s Oscars?

Oh, yeah, because the Academy is 84% white and 69% male. That’s how. It’s always fun to hear folks complain about “identity politics” when straight white men have been supporting/promoting/celebrating/voting for other straight white men for, I dunno, fucking centuries.

I mean, apparently “Little Women” directed itself. How else can you explain its multiple best acting nominations, its best adapted screenplay nomination and its best picture nomination – but it’s lack of best director nods? Women, we’re amazing – we can make movies without ever needing to direct a single soul. What can’t we do?

Also, ScarJo getting two, yes two, nominations and Lupita, J-Lo, Awkwafina getting none? And the one black acting nomination coming for yet another role about slavery because those appear to be the only black narratives the Academy consistently recognizes? Because we really, really should.

SGALGG/GGALGG: Globes Edition

Well, I’m just going to pretend Ricky Gervais didn’t twat it up with his general everything (fuck that transphobe). Otherwise it was a night of some heartfelt speeches, and some deserving winners. A few baffling winners. And a ton of just staggeringly talented actresses all in one room together. I mean, Carol Aird and Therese Belivet and Queen Anne and Lady Sarah were all there. And many real-life couples as well. Beanie & Bonnie! Ellen & Portia! Kate McKinnon & Everyone In Their Dreams. So in a way it was really the Golden Lesbians, as it should be.

SGALGG

Cate Blanchett & Nicole Kidman

Look, Cate, I’m no Therese. But I have other qualities, I promise.

Charlize Theron & Reese Witherspoon

Reese looks like she’s about to climb Charlize and can you blame her?

Glenn Close & Jennifer Lopez

J-Lo, please cast Glenn in “Hustlers 2.”

Michelle Williams & Busy Phillips

I know they’re just “best friends,” but the way Busy cried at Michelle’s beautiful speech was pure love.

Sian Clifford & Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Yes, I know they play sisters. Still hot.

Olivia Colman & Kaitlyn Dever

I’m not a big May-December person, but if Patrick Stewart can marry a woman 39 years his junior why the fuck not? Like, this is only a 22 year difference, so…

Salma Hayek & Patricia Arquette

They didn’t do anything particularly gay, but boobs so you’re welcome.

Amy Poehler & Kerry Washington

Amy just tested Kerry’s boob tape. With consent. Always with consent.

Helen Mirren & Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Dame Helen is not above flirting to get into Phoebe’s next project.

Helen Mirren & Meryl Streep

And with Meryl, too. Shameless, shameless.

Tiffany Haddish & Awkwafina

Put them in a movie together. Make them girlfriends. What? I thought we were just saying wishes.

GGALGG

Kate McKinnon & Emily Lynne

Fine, it’s Kate’s sister, but I was fine with it for Phoebe & Sian so why the hell not.

Beanie Feldstein & Bonnie Chance Roberts

Say it all together with me, “Awwww.” Also definitely not her sister.

Ellen DeGeneres & Portia de Rossi

Ellen & Portia seem to be competing for the most Big Top Energy.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Female Excellence Edition

A new year is a new chance to shine light on deserving women. So let’s start off 2020 with a by no means comprehensive list of excellent women whose excellence I would like to see a lot more of on the large and small screen – and really all over – this year. Now wouldn't that be most excellent? And, if I may, a gentle plea to put them on the screen wearing suits. Just saying, they all know how excellent they look wearing them.

Saoirse Ronan

She was excellent as Jo in “Little Women,” but then she is excellent in everything.

Awkwafina

She was excellent in “The Farewell,” and I am soooo looking forward to “Nora from Queens.”

Kristin Scott Thomas

She was excellent as a lesbian in “Fleabag,” and we should see her as a lesbian in more things.

Brandi Carlile

She is excellent each time she opens her mouth, and here’s hoping I get to see her do it again live this year.

Janelle Monae

She was excellent with Tessa Thompson, and here’s hoping they can be excellent some more together in the new year.

Lena Headey

She is so much more excellent than Cersei Lannister, and she deserves a better on-screen fate in 2020.

Tatiana Maslany

She is excellence personified and WHY HASN’T ANYONE CAST HER AS THE STAR OF THEIR SHOW YET?

Jameela Jamil

She is so excellent on “The Good Place,” and if she isn’t snapped up immediately for some wonderfully comedic starring role everyone in forking stupid. But then, look who our president is.

Katie McGrath

Yeah I know she’s still making excellent flirt eyes at Supergirl, but wouldn’t it be so excellent if she also got to make flirt eyes at a lady who is unquestionably lesbian in another unquestionably lesbian role? Just a thought.

Ellen Page

So “The Umbrella Academy” wasn’t as excellent as I’d hoped, but there is always hope for Season 2 and her excellently creepy new white eyes.

Lupita Nyong'o & Danai Gurira

They’re were excellent in “Black Panther,” now make a superhero movie about them where they’re a couple. Look, as long as we’re wishing for excellent things.

Tina Fey

My most excellent Fake TV/Movie Wife will always make any list about excellence. Period.

Cate Blanchett

Look, I’ve had the most excellent idea. “Carol 2.” Everything gets revived these days, why not the greatest lesbian movie of the last decade? As I was saying, excellent idea.

Awkwafunny New Show

Thanks to Cate Blanchett (because, shouldn’t every post start out with thanking Cate Blanchett?), I am a big fan of Awkwafina. I first saw her in “Ocean’s 8” with La Blanchett and and then “Crazy Rich Asians” last year and then “The Farewell” (which you should definitely, definitely see) this year. And now I’m super stoked (Do the kids still say that? Whatever, I do) to see she is going to star in the new Comedy Central series “Nora from Queens.” How stoked? Awkwafina plays a stoner in arrested development who still lives with her family including BD Wong (from Law & Order: SUV) as her father and Lori Tan Chinn (the commissary lady from OITNB) as her grandmother. Oh, and Bowen Yang (the best thing about the new SNL season, aside from Kate McKinnon per usual) and Natasha Lyonne also appear? Come on, I’m in. What I like besides a) all the wonderful Asian representation, is b) it fills the big, bong-shaped hole in my heart since “Broad City” left. So, you know, let’s find some purpose together in 2020, dumb bitches.

Vagitarians Unite

Look, I don’t necessarily think women should start having their vags compete. But if we did this would be the ultimate vadge diss track. Also, I would be remiss to allow Awkwafina’s moment pass without recognizing she started as a rapped, yo. And I think we can all agree that a vagina is 50 times better than a cis straight white male’s penis. In fact, 50 is low. Way low.

p.s. Good luck explaining to your co-workers what song you’re humming today.

My Weekend Crush

Rarely do you get to say, “I laughed, I cried,” about a movie and mean it. But, kittens, do I mean it about “Crazy Rich Asians.” What a well-crafted, beautifully appointed, wonderfully cast and all-around scrumptious movie. I finally got a chance to go see it last weekend and – despite all the glowing reviews – was not prepared for just how good this movie would make me feel. As an Asian-American woman, as an immigrant, as a person who loves good romantic comedies it was everything I could have hoped for. Funny, romantic, sad, funny some more and just absolutely luscious to look at.

And let’s talk a little more about what it means to have a movie filled with such Asian Attractiveness and Asian Excellence. I was both acutely aware and sometimes completely forgot that the cast was all Asian. There was a universality and specificity to the story that is wonderful to behold. Like, even if you’ve never played mahjong, you understand the import of that scene. And if you do play mahjong, goodness.

Also, did I mention how attractive this cast is? Because this cast is very attractive.



You can count the Asian-led mainstream Hollywood films on two fingers: “The Joy Luck Club” in 1993 and “Memoirs of a Geisha” in 2005. There are 4.5 billion Asian people yet Hollywood can only find time to make a movie about us every 12 or so years? It’s even more outrageous when you consider the entire world only has 7.4 billion people, total. Thanks, guys, appreciate the effort. It’s not like there are a lot of us or anything.

Here’s the thing about representation: It matters. It always matters. No, I’m not talking tokenism, I’m talking representation. It’s hard to aspire when you’ve never been shown what you can truly achieve. It’s a lesson we must continually apply for women, POC, LGBTQ people, immigrants, people with disabilities, and any other marginalized group. We continue to be the other, while the straight white male continues to be the default norm.

And, believe me, everyone shoved into that “other” category notices. When I was little, I used to watch the evening news on TV with my parents every night. Yet, I never dreamed I could possibly do that as a profession until I saw Connie Chung co-anchor the “CBS Sunday Evening News.” Granted, I have no desire to be a TV news anchor. But I do appreciate the option. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. I would also like respect for being a mad Constance Wu stan from the start.

p.p.s. You remember I told you she was just in a lesbian movie, too, right? Right.

"Ocean's 8" Lesbian Movie Review

Yes, kittens, “Ocean’s 8” is a lesbian movie – in its heart where it counts. OK, fine, technically it’s a lesbian-in-spirit movie on screen. But, come on, Cate Blanchett is called “Lou” and slinks around in a series of increasingly amazing suits and then rides off into the sunset on a motorcycle – quite literally. So, Harold, that’s pretty lesbian.

But really, what “Ocean’s 8” is is a reminder that the world needs to be shown more women together, period. In fact, if you put a group of smart, talented, charismatic women together and give them something to do other than pine for a man, the result is basically magic.

Look, Hollywood has been doing this for decades with men. Men at work. Men at war. Men in prison. Men in space. Men stealing shit. Men buying shit. Men, men, men. We get it, my dudes. You do things.

But, here’s a revolutionary realization, so do women. Women also work, go to war, go to prison, go to space, steal shit, buy shit. Women, women, women. And, guess what, they’re good at it, too. And it’s interesting, and different, than just watching a bunch of dudes do the exact same thing.

Take your “Killing Eve” or your “Orange Is the New Black” or your “Hidden Figures” or any other entertainment that trusts women to tell their own stories, to be their own stars. There is something deliciously alive and fresh about the chemistry between these casts. Why? Because for so damn long we haven’t been shown women as much more than the love interest, side kick, token female.

But guess what, we contain multitudes upon our multitudes.

“Ocean’s 8” is unabashedly fun and unquestionably clever. It’s also unashamed of its femininity. Now by femininity I don’t mean it’s “Ocean’s 11” with a cheap pink makeover. This isn’t that “Made Just For Women!” crap they try to sell us like pens and razors. This is fundamentally female in a way that celebrates women’s abilities and differences. And, at the same time, should be universally interesting because, duh, women are interesting.

All of the women are wonderful – Cate, Sandra, Anne, Sarah, Rihanna, Mindy, Awkwafina, Mindy. I would happily watch them read all of updated privacy policies I have steadfastly ignored over my lifetime out loud. And then I would ask them to read them again, but more slowly.

In short, I will happily watch “Ocean’s 8” again – and again, and again. Will I make Lou and Debbie kiss in my head each time? Of course. But then, everyone else is, too. Because, as I said, “Ocean’s 8” is totally a lesbian movie. It just doesn’t know it yet. But, luckily, we do.

My Weekend Crush

One of the very best things about “Oceans Eight” – besides being a movie featuring eight talented and diverse actresses pulling off the kind of heist caper previously relegated to mainly menfolks - is the parade of suits Cate Blanchett has worn leading up to its release. I mean, the woman has suit range.



Oh, did I mention that last suit has RAINBOW STRIPES down the legs? Because it does, it really does.



You know Sandy approves of her suit game, you just know.




(and, of course, you know Sarah Paulson approves, or at very least has lovingly ribbed Cate about her suit game.)

The other best thing about “Oceans Eight” is how Cate’s co-stars love to stare lovingly at her impeccable visage. I mean, they’re no Kristen Stewart in the smitten department, but close.



Happy “Ocean’s Eight” premiere weekend, all.

Ladies Who Laugh

Well now, isn’t this a nice thing to wake up to? Cate Blanchett and Sarah Paulson showed off their BFF troublemakers sides when they appeared together on “Today” yesterday. The two friends had Hoda Kotb and, later, Savannah Guthrie laughing until they cried – quite literally. It also features Sarah teasing Cate about not winning an Oscar for “Carol.” Cate teasing Sarah for only having one an Emmy. And then Cate sits on Sarah’s lap and, well.



Anyway, the whole thing has to be seen to be enjoyed, rewatched, enjoyed some more.



p.s. I know you guys like me, you really like me, because not one, not two, but three of you send me this video all like, “Snarker, guuurl, you’ve GOT to see this!” My most sincere and lesbian thanks, ladies.

p.p.s. Only oblivious straight women would ever deign to ask Cate and Sarah what movie they were in together. The indignity! Also, straight ladies, you should totally watch “Carol.”

p.p.p.s. If you want to see the entire cast (well, six of eight) of “Ocean’s 8” play Never Have I Ever and crack each other up, please enjoy. I am here to spread joy and many, many wonderful ladies laughing together.

Eight Is More Than Enough

Yes. That is all. Yes.

A Perfect Eight

Look, I know Christmas was yesterday, but who is to say we can’t celebrate a second day? (Heck that song with the partridge says we can celebrate 12 days, dammit.) But instead of two turtle doves, on this second day of Christmas I give you eight awesome ladies. I know, I know – you might have seen it already since the “Ocean’s Eight” trailer was released before Christmas. But, let’s be honest, it’s the gift that keeps on giving.

p.s. I love every. single. thing. Cate Blanchett is wearing.



p.p.s. I also love what Awkwafina is wearing.



p.p.s. And what Sandy is wearing.



p.p.p.s. And what Sandy is doing to Sarah here.



p.p.p.p.s. Fine, I love everything, everyone, all of it, the whole eight-chilada.