And, to be honest, who isn’t happy to see Sarah, Jean and Judith all together again? On y va!
Judith Smart & Judith Light
Rosario Dawson & Amu Schumer
Marlee Matlin & Penelope Cruz
Billie Eilish & Megan Thee Stallion
Zendaya
Nicole Kidman & Jessica Chastain
Nicole & Zoe Kravitz
Nicole & Ariana DeBose
Now, this part I call, Everybody Loves Ariana (Unlike Chris, ahem)
Ariana & Kirsten Dunst
Ariana & Jessie Buckley
Ariana & H.E.R.
Ariana & Rita Moreno
Some people say casting a bunch of talented, intelligent, beautiful women and putting them in traditionally male movie roles is just tokenism. But I say, how about you give us a larger sample size before we cast judgment. And, in turn, a larger sample size will eliminate all talk of tokenism. Because, ladies, we all know that us women know how to lie, steal, fight, shoot, kill just like the fellas when the occasion arises. I’m not entirely sure what’s up with the numeric names of these kinds of movies in questions (“Ocean’s 8” and now “The 355”). But, you give me Jessica Chastain, Lupita Nyong'o, Penélope Cruz, Diane Kruger and Fan Bingbin all in one movie and I’ll say, let the research begin.
Told ya it was coming. So outside of Janelle Monae representing for queer black artists to start the shows, the Oscars were a pretty straight affair. At least, what we saw on television was pretty straight. As we all know, hand out a few shiny trophies and let the champagne flow and suddenly Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals are everywhere – or at least everywhere in the eye of the beholder. But, as has been a welcome trend these last few years, there also actual Gay Gals Acting Like Gay Gals. Queer women came out in their finest this Oscar season. So it appears even lesbians and bisexual women are attracted to golden naked men. Who knew.
Well, we made it to December. So now 2016 has one precious month left to redeem itself. So why not start off on a smart and stylish foot. Here are some smart, stylish women looking – well, smart and stylish. Plus they’re all in black in white, which makes them so much more stylish and smart-looking. Yes, I know other adjectives. But November was a doozy so smart and stylish is all my brain can muster right now. But, hey, “smart” and “stylish” suit these suits. Right, as I was saying – good luck, December. Please, at the very least, be so much smarter than the rest of 2016 was. More stylish would just be icing.
You know, I’m supposed to notice Stephanie March’s big yellow bandana. Because, you know, it’s yellow. But you know what I notice, well, besides the tank top? Her watch. That’s a big gay watch. Now, of course, I know Stephanie isn’t gay. She’s got Bobby freaking Flay cooking for her at home. But, she does play gay convincingly (as the brilliant plastics engineer slash lesbian on “30 Rock”). And, of course, gives good subtext with one Det. Olivia Benson. So, wait, where was I going with this? Oh right, those who play gay for our pleasure. Sometimes, they also wear pretty gay things for our pleasure, too. Like watches. And, of course, my personal favorite – tank tops.
Elizabeth has earned the honorary hot plate for playing gay not once, not twice but three times. If she does a fourth, I say we have it bronzed.
Penelope has only done it twice for us – but it was Charlize Theron and Scarlett Johansson, respectively. So, you know, good job.
Fine, so also played a lesbian serial killer. But, you know, nobody’s perfect.
Poor dear, “A” made Emily a juicer. Though on the plus side, think of the muscle definition.
Sometimes I still expect her to talk with a German slur, like Greta from “High Art.”
She got to make out with Mila Kunis before it was Oscar-worthy to make out with Mila Kunis.
Also a twofer, but let’s be honest, we’ll love her forever just for kissing Lena.
She doesn’t have to play. She just is. My, is she ever.
KITTENS! Did you miss me? I missed you! So much! Like crazy! I had an aces vacation though. I got to see Italy for the very first time. I got to wade into the Mediterranean Sea for the very first time. I ate pretty much every carb I could find across five countries. I learned that instead of exchanging our worthless dollars for Euros, Americans should just bring suitcases full of Converse and Coca-Cola to barter with instead. And, of course, I took lots and lots of pictures. Pictures of the beautiful Tuscan landscape. Pictures of the impossibly azure water. Pictures of food, glorious food. And, yes, even a few pictures of myself. (If you’re so inclined, you can catch a few of my holiday snaps over at Ms. Snarker Regrets.) What I learned is that taking good pictures is hard and that I should probably stick to this word thing. But that’s not to dissuade others from lifting a lens. And, if the lady behind said lens happens to be lovely herself – like the luscious Rosario Dawson – well, all the better. Say cheese, darlings.
Light, camera, drool.
My what a big…lens you have. Yes, lens, definitely lens.
This is exactly how I looked reviewing my vacation pictures in the hotel room. And by “exactly,” I mean that I too had a suitcase and a camera.
Some Kristens seen perennially sunny in front of a camera.
Some do not.
Oh, Helena, if I was wearing that outfit I’d insist on being the one behind the camera as well.
There should, however, be some sort of law that Penelope only gets to be on the receiving end of a camera lens.
Where’d she go? Remember when she was everywhere?
Hey, it’s Thursday. And nothing says, “Welcome back from vacation,” like a little Gender Fuck.
