Tank Top Tuesday

I believe that children are our future, mostly because Whitney Houston sang it in her pre-Bobby Brown days when you could still trust her. But, seriously, it’s the youth who shall inherit the earth and they might as well wear a tank top because they're inheriting a seriously warming planet. What? I’m just trying to think positive. While some of these ladies are on the outer edge of age-appropriateness for me, I’d hate to be accused of ageism. When it comes to women in tank tops, I am a strict equal opportunity luster. In fact, Special Agent Sarah Walker, err, Yvonne Strahovski above is our oldest tank topper at 26. But don’t worry, Chris Hansen, I checked all their IDs. Everybody’s legal, nobody’s going to jail. Put away the cuffs…or maybe not. Ahem. And with that, I give you Tank Top Tuesday: The Next Generation.

Leighton Meester, 22I don’t watch “Gossip Girl.” Why do I suddenly have the feeling I’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake?

Lindsay Lohan, 22Is it just me, or has she gotten hotter as she has gotten gayer?

Freida Pinto, 24“Slumdog Millionaire” made me a believer. This tank top made me a worshipper.

Jessica Stroup, 22Tank Top + Fire + Kissing Heather Graham = Almost enough to make me watch “90210”… almost, but still no.

Rihanna, 20Standing under Rihanna’s umbrella is optional. Staring at her tank vest is mandatory.

Hayden Panettiere, 19What kind of space-age polymer does your tank top need to be made out of if you’re indestructible? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Kristen Stewart, 18Why do vampires love tank tops? Two words: easy access.

Mandy Musgrave, 22, and Gabrielle Christian, 24Oh, Spashley. If only your storyline lived up to your tank tops.

Blake Lively, 21

It’s official. I’ve made a tragic error in not watching “Gossip Girl.”

Tank Top Tuesday

With the embers of the American economy still smoldering at our feet, I think it's time for a little distraction. And what could be more distracting than beautiful women in tank tops? Never mind that Rome is burning, bring on the bread and circuses! I mean, you can't sob uncontrollably at your 401K statement all the time, right? Though – pssst – I've got a hot tip for investors looking for a sure thing during these terribly troubled times. Booze, buy stock in booze. Surely if there is one thing the entire country can agree on right now it's that we all need a drink. So please raise a glass to the lovely ladies of the fall television season. I've rounded up all the new tank-topped promo shots I could find. May they temporarily make you forget that our entire financial system may seize up and die at any moment. Shoot, who cares if the economy is in the tank when you can look at women in tanks? And if all else fails, barkeep, another round on me. And keep 'em coming.

Sarah Shahi, “Life”I still miss Carmen. Luckily, I don't have to miss her tank tops.

Eliza Dushku, “Dollhouse”Never mind the shut downs. In Joss we trust.

Evangeline Lilly, “Lost”Deserted islands don't seem like such a terrible option right now.

Elizabeth Mitchell, “Lost”p.s. Plus who knew they had such a wide tank top selection?

Jessalyn Gilsig & Hayden Panettiere, “Heroes”Looks like Take Your Daughter to Tank Top Day is in full swing.

Natascha McElhone, “Californication”Hank Moody is an idiot.

Michaela Conlin, “Bones”I can't wait to meet Roxie.

Elizabeth Reaser, “The Ex-List”Statistically, at least one of those exes has to be female, right?

Eva La Rue, “CSI: Miami”I hardly recognize her not inexplicably bathed in orange light.

Nadine Velazquez, “My Name is Earl”This isn't technically a tank top. But, look, midriff.

Summer Glau, “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles”TV show titles shouldn't have colons. There, I've said it.

Lena Headey, “T:SCC”p.s Abbreviating it doesn't make the colon any less odious.

Olivia Wilde, “House”A pocket tank? That's officially the gayest thing I've ever seen.

Kristen Bell’s mad skillz

So Kristen Bell debuts on “Heroes” next week. In honor of her impending arrival, I give you a little sneak peek at her power. Can you guess what it is? Super strength? Regeneration? Flight? No, no and not so much. If you look closely, you’ll see that her real power is something much more, uh, handy. That’s right, her special skill is the power of lesbian persuasion.
Look out, world. The Super Lesbian Recruiter is here, she’s queer, and she’s coming for your daughters. OK, fine, so maybe that isn’t her “official” power. But you could see how I could get confused by all of these shots of Kristen and Hayden Panettiere together. Seriously, those girls can’t keep their hands off of each other.
Though, after hearing what Kristen had to say about her character Elle to TV Guide, I think I might actually not be that far off:

“She’s a little messed up in the head, which makes her manipulative and out to get what she wants….She very much enjoys her power and the emotional power it gives her over other people…There’s a very interesting dynamic between her and Claire, in terms of what is and what is not. There’s a deeper relationship there than people are expecting.”

Called it! Damn, now that would make me start watching again.

Lick this

From one 17-year-old I’m not worried about in the least to another who is starting to furrow my brow. These shots of Hayden Panettiere kinda make me go, “Uh-oh.” Look, I know many people have a signature pose they bust out whenever a camera gets pointed in their general direction. After a couple cocktails, I’ve been known to unholster the finger guns. Oh, yeah. I’m awesome. But how, exactly, does one decide on licking as his/her signature pose? I’m sure the young fresh-faced “Heroes” star was just having fun and joking around while pretending to lap up a friend’s breasts, basket of candy, bronze statue’s bum and the Stanley Cup. But the fact that they’ve all surfaced (and then some) makes me think that perhaps Hayden should rethink her tongue’s photogenic qualities. That thing is a total camera hog.

Speaking of impressions, I saw Hayden’s big Fourth of July coming out party for her new hyphenated title (that being singer-actress). Can I just say, meh. I understand that the grass is always greener, but must every actress aspire to be a singer and every singer aspire to be an actress? You never saw Katharine Hepburn telling the press, “But what I really want to do is sing.” Call me cranky (and, many have) but I believe there is something to be said for mastering one craft before moving onto another. Listen, Hayden, we just got used to having to save you to save the world. Now, you want us to savor your music as well? Really, I think you have let the whole “invincible” thing go to your head.