Music Monday: No War, Xena Edition

Well, well, well. Who says I can’t make everything, even protesting a damn war, gay? If you’ve got as many grays as me, you might even remember this little number from the musical episode in Xena’s fifth season which aired — and I really need you to sit down for this — 22 years ago. Anyway, all this really proves is I desperately need to do a “Xena: Warrior Princess” rewatch. And war, as always, is good for absolutely nothing. Say it again! Happy Monday, kittens.

Xena & Gabrielle Redux

Remember when we had to nudge-nudge, wink-wink our way to credible lesbian content? Well, the queen of the gay-but-not-gay-but-definitely-gay shows of that era was, of course, “Xena: Warrior Princess.” I distinctly remember an episode where Xena threw fish at Gabrielle’s face. Fish. At. Her. Face. Anyway, if you like me have warm memories of that intentionally silly (and I mean that with love) show you’ll be pleased to know Xena and Gabrielle will be reuniting, sorta, on Lucy Lawless’s new murder-mystery crime show “My Life is Murder.”

Renee O’Connor will guest star on the new season of the Australian show. I haven’t watched any episodes, as I don’t have Acorn TV or live in Australia. But I’ve seen Lucy in action as a crime fighter before (hello, who killed Jenny again) and I’m happy to see her back giving baddies hell. Now if only they have her throw a killer Frisbee at a suspect, well, our late 90s dreams will be fulfilled. And if she felt like throwing some more “fish,” yeah, I’m also OK with that. Yep, still got it.

Ayiyiyiyi In the Carpool Lane

Somewhere in a parallel universe this is what happened to Xena and Gabrielle. They got married, moved to the suburbs, had kids and then raised them to be kick ass warrior princesses determined to smash the patriarchy. And, you know, in their downtime they still grab a Chakram and do a little smashing themselves.

My Weekend Crush

So I know by now – as a good gay lady – you’ve heard the good news about this rumored “Xena: Warrior Princess” reboot. Cue an “Ayiyiyiyiyiyi!” war cry of joy. While Lucy Lawless herself has weighed in to say it’s more wishful thinking than done deal, it’s still something to dream about. And it’s worth getting our hopes up to hear that original series producers Rob Tapert and Sam Raimi are in on the very, very, very (very, very, very) early stages of some sort of reboot. Also, Lucy has already expressed interest in reprising her character. Time for an even louder “Ayiyiyiyiyiyi!” war cry of joy.

But here’s the part about these very (very, very, very) initial talks for a reboot that troubles me. It has been described as a “modern reboot.” On it’s face that isn’t terribly troubling, until you think about what “modern” reboot really means. Either a) Xena won’t be set in ancient times with the Greek gods and whatnot, or – and much more likely – b) Xena won’t be played by Lucy Lawless, but a more “modern” (code for “younger”) actress.

Look, I get the need to appeal to new generations of fans and all that. I really do. But I also think if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. And there’s nothing broken about Lucy. At 47 she is still plenty primed to play a warrior princess. Yet, by Hollywood standards for women, not so much. Yet at 67 Arnold Schwarzenegger is still considered plenty spry enough to reprise his role as the Terminator. And at 61 Sylvester Stallone is still considered plenty buff enough to play Rambo. Heck, even her male co-stars from the series around the same age – and even older – are still getting major starring roles in film and TV (57-year-old Bruce Campbell in the new “Ash vs. Evil,” 43-year-old Karl Urban in the “Star Trek” franchise, “Almost Human,” “Dredd,” “The Loft”).

Please allow Xena herself to respond to that kind of sexist bullshit.



All these arguments go for the return of Renee O'Connor, as well. Oh, don’t worry, I’d never forget about Gabrielle.

Look, like any respectable lesbian with a television set, I’ve watched my fair share of Xena episodes. I can’t say I’ve seen them all (or loved them all), but I have caught enough to have a true appreciation for all its campy, woman-powery, crazy-pantys glory. The key, always, to this show was it did not take itself too seriously, but it never underestimated the talent (and charisma) of its stars. So it took a special star like Lucy to bring it all together.

And, of course, there was all that glorious nudge-nudge, wink-wink lesbian subtext. So. Much. Subtext. The one modern reboot to the series I would appreciate is a transformation from subtext to maintext. While Ellen’s “Yep, I’m Gay” heard around the world happened during the show’s run, there were no other shows featuring lesbian leading characters. Xena went off the air three years before “The L Word” even started. But now, it’s a whole different time and a far more accepting society. So that kind of modernity, yeah, I’d love to see that. Not that I didn’t appreciate all the recurring “fish” jokes. Happy weekend, all.



p.s. Yes, I’m aware Xena died, or whatever, at the end of the series. Like that ever stopped a fictional character from coming back ever.

The Ever Afters

Nostalgia is a powerful drug. It’s why an unexpected mention of one of your favorite childhood books – be it “Where the Red Fern Grows” or “Anne of Green Gables” or that childhood memories juggernaut “Harry Potter” – can bring up instant emotions of communal delight. And that why lesbians everywhere goes nuts when Piper Perabo tweets Lena Headey. And why every time Renee O’Connor and Lucy Lawless hug at some public event a baby dyke gets her wings. And why the photo of Natasha Lyonne and Clea DuVall snuggling up above probably made your heart skip a big lesbian beat. I remember seeing “But I’m a Cheerleader” in theaters some 14 years ago. Yes, FOURTEEN years ago. That movie came out in 1999, people. But I think I can still recite Natasha’s big gay cheer for Clea by heart. Like childhood memories, lesbian movies memories from our formative coming out years always tend to mean the most. Hell, I happily own a copy of “Go Fish” – terrible acting and all. And it’s often the couple – whether they end up happily ever after or not – that make the biggest impression. And that couple becomes The Couple to us. Plus we gay ladies tend to be a stubbornly loyal group – once we love you we’ll love you forever. So here’s a small taste of then & now nostalgia via some of The Couples we all love

For a lot of people Megan & Graham will be The Couple of their youth. For others it’s Rachel & Luce. For others still it’s Vivian & Cay.

Lena Headey & Piper Perabo/Rachel & Luce
Lena needs to cameo on “Covert Affairs.” I’d wish for Piper to be on “Game of Thrones,” but we all know she’d probably just die a horrible death. So, you know, let’s play it safe.

Helen Shaver & Patricia Charbonneau/Vivian & Cay
See, she stayed on that train well past the next stop.

Lucy Lawless & Renee O’Connor/Xena & Gabrielle
Could you imagine if Renee showed up on “Parks & Rec” and Ron suddenly felt strangely jealous? You’re welcome for the free story idea, writers.

Natasha Lyonne & Clea DuVall/Megan & Graham
Clearly, Clea needs to get herself sent to Litchfield. Clearly.

Right, so who it The Couple for you. And, admit it, you feel all warm and fuzzy just thinking about all these imaginary happily ever afters.

Photobomb the system

Grab your flak jacket. Throw on a helmet. It’s time to get photobombed. One of my favorite photos from this year’s Emmys wasn’t a SGALGG moment (because there were precious few to be found, and trust me I looked). No, it was an explosively awesome photobomb by my No. 1 Fake TV Wife Tina Fey. While one might say I am predisposed to think everything Tina does is explosively awesome (and one would be right), I think even under the casual, objective observer would be hard pressed to think differently. Tina photobombing Amy Poehler, Martha Plimpton and Mark Burnett at the Governor’s Ball ranks among my all-time favorite celebrity photobombs. But, of course, there are others. So in the spirit of silliness, please enjoy a few of my favorite celebrity photobombs. Beware celebrities: No matter how hard you pose, another celebrity might sneak in and drop a hilarity grenade.

Sasha Alexander by Edoardo PontiGetting photobombed by your husband? Awkward.

Lucy Lawless & Rob Tapert by Renee O'ConnorGabrielle photobombing Xena? That has to be the start of a fan-fic somewhere.

Taylor Swift by Daniel CraigThis photobomb is shaken, not stirred.

Justin Timberlake & Olivia Wilde by Hugh LaurieHouse has about a million N’Sync jokes running through his head.

Catherine Zeta-Jones & Angelina Jolie by Michael DouglasThis is less of a photobomb and more of a wishful thinking.

Perez Hilton & Amber Riley by Lea MicheleSee, Lea doesn’t always pose for photos the same way.

Sandra Oh & Thomas Haden Church by Paul GiamattiPaul did this because they made him drink Merlot.

Ang Lee & Uma Thurman by Jake GyllenhaalOne of the all-time classic photobombs. Drink responsibly, kids.

Tina Fey by her daughter, AliceWhat can I say, like mother, like daughter.

p.s. “Parks & Recreation” is back tonight on NBC, so watch it y’all or Ron Swanson will photobomb all your future formal portraits.

Bitch, please

What you are about to see is wrong. What you are about to see is very wrong. What you are about to see is very, very wrong. Well, that is, unless you happen to be one of those people who enjoys breasts, nudity, fights, explosions and hot women kissing. With that said, please click play.

OH. MY. GOD. That was awesome, er, I mean wrong. That was incredibly awesome, sorry, I mean terribly sexist. That was totally freaking awesome! Dammit, I mean inexcusably offensive. Shit, who am I kidding? That was fucking genius. That, my friends, was “Bitch Slap.” [Wonderbra snap (in lieu of hat tip), to babsf!]

And, guess what, I haven't even told you the best part. Lucy Lawless and Renee O'Connor appear in cameos as – wait for it, wait for it – nuns! Yes, that's right – Xena and Gabrielle are together again. See what I was saying about genius?

Called a modern-day B-movie exploitation film, “Bitch Slap” comes to us from former producers/directors of “Xena: Warrior Princess” and “Hercules: The Legendary Journeys” (Kevin Sorbo also appears...I'm sensing a trend). They've dubbed it a “feminist, thinking man's, wild and crazy over-the-top exploitation film.” I don't know about all that, but I do know there is a little person who plays a female assassin named “Hot Pocket.”

Look out “Citizen Cane,” you've got serious competition for breast picture of all time. Wait, that came out wrong...