Music Monday: Joy in a Hopeless Place

The United States is not a fun place to live right now. And, I know we haven't been great to be around either for our global neighbors, near or far. (Many of us are truly sorry about all of this, we absolutely loathe him too.) I fear things will get more cruel, stupid, racist and violent before they get better. I mean, they’re just shooting people in the street in broad daylight. So, we’re already in the bad place. I salute all the good people of Minnesota, particularly Minneapolis, for standing up for their neighbors.

Not to sound trite, but in these intensely distressing times – when as an individual it feels so hard to make a meaningful difference while at the same time knowing the only way out is if we all find ways to resist and repudiate what is happening in front of our eyes – we need joy. Joy has always been a form of resistance. Not joy without the work, but there’s something exquisite about finding joy in the face of those who hate your very existence.

Anyway, this is a long way of saying please enjoy the pure cathartic joy of the cast and crew of “Hamnet” dancing to Rihanna’s “We Found Love” to celebrate the end of filming. If you’ve seen the movie, you know they’d earned that moment (especially because I’ve heard they filmed that final scene last, which *low whistle*). I love the diverse body of work director Chloe Zhao has built, always with a contemplative eye and unhurried pace. Did I think “Hamnet” was a little too unhurried? I’m just saying, don’t eat a big meal before watching, otherwise you might find yourself lulled into an unplanned nap. But that ending? That moment. Yeah, like I was saying, find your joy. Take it where you can. Let it fuel us for the road ahead. Happy Monday, Kittens.

My Weekend Crush

What should you do when the President of the United States points his stubby little finger at a female reporter just doing her job and says, “Quiet, piggy” for all the cameras and world to see?

Yeah, you know what to do. Because fuck that motherfucker. Or, Bill fucker? So let them fly, ladies. Though which style you do it, well, that’s entirely up to you.

The Double Cersei

The Smile & Bird

The Smile & Double Bird

The Look Away

The Emmy Worthy

The Oscar Worthy

The Early 2000s

The Billionaires Are So Cringe

The O.G.

So, yeah, fuck that motherfucker. Happy weekend, all.

"Ocean's 8" Lesbian Movie Review

Yes, kittens, “Ocean’s 8” is a lesbian movie – in its heart where it counts. OK, fine, technically it’s a lesbian-in-spirit movie on screen. But, come on, Cate Blanchett is called “Lou” and slinks around in a series of increasingly amazing suits and then rides off into the sunset on a motorcycle – quite literally. So, Harold, that’s pretty lesbian.

But really, what “Ocean’s 8” is is a reminder that the world needs to be shown more women together, period. In fact, if you put a group of smart, talented, charismatic women together and give them something to do other than pine for a man, the result is basically magic.

Look, Hollywood has been doing this for decades with men. Men at work. Men at war. Men in prison. Men in space. Men stealing shit. Men buying shit. Men, men, men. We get it, my dudes. You do things.

But, here’s a revolutionary realization, so do women. Women also work, go to war, go to prison, go to space, steal shit, buy shit. Women, women, women. And, guess what, they’re good at it, too. And it’s interesting, and different, than just watching a bunch of dudes do the exact same thing.

Take your “Killing Eve” or your “Orange Is the New Black” or your “Hidden Figures” or any other entertainment that trusts women to tell their own stories, to be their own stars. There is something deliciously alive and fresh about the chemistry between these casts. Why? Because for so damn long we haven’t been shown women as much more than the love interest, side kick, token female.

But guess what, we contain multitudes upon our multitudes.

“Ocean’s 8” is unabashedly fun and unquestionably clever. It’s also unashamed of its femininity. Now by femininity I don’t mean it’s “Ocean’s 11” with a cheap pink makeover. This isn’t that “Made Just For Women!” crap they try to sell us like pens and razors. This is fundamentally female in a way that celebrates women’s abilities and differences. And, at the same time, should be universally interesting because, duh, women are interesting.

All of the women are wonderful – Cate, Sandra, Anne, Sarah, Rihanna, Mindy, Awkwafina, Mindy. I would happily watch them read all of updated privacy policies I have steadfastly ignored over my lifetime out loud. And then I would ask them to read them again, but more slowly.

In short, I will happily watch “Ocean’s 8” again – and again, and again. Will I make Lou and Debbie kiss in my head each time? Of course. But then, everyone else is, too. Because, as I said, “Ocean’s 8” is totally a lesbian movie. It just doesn’t know it yet. But, luckily, we do.

Gender Fuck Thursday

You look like you need some ladies in nicely tailored suits. So here are some ladies in nicely tailored suits. You are welcome.

Cate Blanchett

Should we pass a law that Cate can only walk around in her clothes from “Carol” or a tuxedo? Yeah, I think we should.

Letitia Wright

I want the little sister in “Black Panther” to have her own movie, accompanied – of course – by the all-women Wakandan army.

Lena Headey

In another life, Cersei runs away to pursue her love of genealogy at university and starts wearing nice tweeds and turtlenecks.

Rihanna

I can.not.wait. to see her as one of the eight in “Ocean’s Eight.”

Dame Maggie Smith

I suddenly want to find out everything I can about, what appears to be, Prof. McGonagall’s past as a well-dressed graduate student at an all-women’s magicians college.

Jessica Chastain

I need to make an amendment that adds Jessica in the above “Must Wear a Tux” law.

Eight Is More Than Enough

Yes. That is all. Yes.

A Perfect Eight

Look, I know Christmas was yesterday, but who is to say we can’t celebrate a second day? (Heck that song with the partridge says we can celebrate 12 days, dammit.) But instead of two turtle doves, on this second day of Christmas I give you eight awesome ladies. I know, I know – you might have seen it already since the “Ocean’s Eight” trailer was released before Christmas. But, let’s be honest, it’s the gift that keeps on giving.

p.s. I love every. single. thing. Cate Blanchett is wearing.



p.p.s. I also love what Awkwafina is wearing.



p.p.s. And what Sandy is wearing.



p.p.p.s. And what Sandy is doing to Sarah here.



p.p.p.p.s. Fine, I love everything, everyone, all of it, the whole eight-chilada.

Another Ocean To Cross

I have said for the past two months (78 days, to be exact) that “Oceans 8” is one of the only things I’m looking forward to in 2017. And now, dammit, I’ve finally realized that “Oceans 8” isn’t coming out in 2017. It’s not coming out until 2018. And summer 2018 at that. GODDAMIT, UNIVERSE. Throw me a bone here. I need every sliver of joy I can get to make it through each day. At the very least you have to give me more than one single picture of the elegant eight sitting together/apart in a subway car. Fine. Sigh. I’ll take it. Hey, it is a rough year. We take what we can.

My Weekend Crush

One of the few things bringing me real and consistent joy in the hellscape that has been 2016 is the set photos from “Ocean’s 8.” The lady power spinoff of “Ocean’s 11” continues to delight. Like, for real, every picture is so damn delightful. And I hope they delight you as much as they delight me. Happy delightful weekend, all.

Helena Bonham Carter threatening Anne Hathaway’s life. Delightful!


Rihanna wearing an “I’m With Her. And Her.” T-shirt. Delightful!


Sarah Paulson doing anything. Always delightful!


Cate Blanchett and Sandra Bullock kissing while wearing Anne Hathaway masks. Weirdly delightful!


Cate Blanchett’s arm porn. OK, that’s just hot. Delightfully hot.

My Weekend Crush

So today we have a good news, bad news situation. Because I want to send you into your weekend on a good note, we’ll deal with the bad first. Bad news, guys, they probably won’t be making a “Ghostbusters” sequel. The all-female reboot that made manbabies shit themselves has apparently not done well enough at the box office for the studio to proceed. Because it was such an affront to their fragile manhood to allow four smart, funny, talented women to play roles once occupied exclusively by men, we now don’t get to find out how these ladies would have dealt with Zuul. Well, at least we got to ruin all those men’s childhoods along the way.

So now, the good news. A new “Oceans Eleven” spinoff is in the works, but this time with an all-female cast. YES! YES! BRING ME ALL THE MEN’S CHILDHOODS TO RUIN! I know, that alone seems delicious enough. But wait until you get a load of this cast: Cate Blanchett, Sandra Bullock, Anne Hathaway, Rihanna, Helena Bonham Carter, Mindy Kaling and Awkwafina. HOLY SHIT, GUYS. GIVE IT TO ME NOW NOW NOW NOW. This news is so exciting on so many levels including but not limited to anything to do with a gloved or ungloved Cate Blanchett, two Asian cast members, freaking Rihanna, etc. etc. etc. The only question now is who will be No. 8? ? I have a few suggestions: Helen Mirren, Angela Bassett, Kathy Baker, Kate McKinnon, Tilda freaking Swinton.

For all those who criticize the idea of an “all-female” anything, just think for a minute. Really think. No one calls “Saving Private Ryan” and “all-male war movie” or “Reservoir Dogs” an “all-male crime caper” or “The Hangover” an “all-male gross-out comedy.” Yet, that’s what they are. And, also, pretty much, all-white to boot. The reason male is the default isn’t because male is the default experience for the world. Quite the opposite considering women make up 51 percent of the global population. It’s because of years, decades, centuries, eons of systematic and institutional conditioning to construct society in a way that benefits one and only one group of people. Dudes.

So in light of both this good news and bad news this weekend, I just want to remind menfolk at home of one thing. When women enter into what was perceived as men’s spaces it is, in fact, not an assault on your personhood. Not in the least. Instead, and this is important, it is a validation of women’s personhood.

You see? You see how that works? The world is meant to share. And, if you take even a tiny step back, you can see how ridiculous it is that we don’t. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. While we’re on the subject of men being terrible, please enjoy these women explaining why they aren’t funny. Hey, if I’m already a man-hating lesbian, best to play the part thoroughly.

SGALGG: Shine Bright Like a Diamond

Right. So I’m normally not the kind of gal to go for those girl-on-girl exploity kind of photoshoots that run in fashion and lad mags. But it has been a long week and there is no shame in just enjoying the visual smorgasbord that happens when Rihanna and Kate Moss mingle for the cameras for V magazine. Now, I like Rihanna a lot – despite her seeming forgiveness of the unforgiveable Chris Brown. And Kate Moss, well, she reminds me of the 90s and those were generally pretty good for me. So, yeah. Hey, I never said this place was exclusively highbrow. And you know you love the smut, kittens. You love it.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Shirtless Edition

They say no shirt, no shoes, no service. But in cases like these if you’re wearing no shirt, there’s no way you’re not getting serviced. Rimshot! Hey, it can’t all be high brow. Sometimes it’s just about the exquisite pleasure of a lady wearing a nice jacket without a nice shirt. And if that lady happened to be wearing a lovely garter set underneath, like Kirsten Dunst – well, that’s some extra special service coming up right there. Extra special, indeed.

Catherine Zeta-JonesBest black-tie optional attire ever.

RihannaOne of my goals in life is to have vacations like Rihanna.

Anne HathawayPeople seem worried about whether the new Catwoman will be sexy enough. I have to say, I’m not overly worried.

Keira KnightleyI wish Keira would go back to the short hair. You don’t know how much.

Eva GreenFrench women, amirite?

Amber HeardLots of you seemed concerned about informing me that Amber is now single. Good to know, very good.

Tilda SwintonRight, like one of these would be complete without a little Swinton.

Lauren Hutton & Christy TurlingtonI find shirtlessness most fun in pairs, too.

Demi MooreWell, I never said she needed to be wearing a jacket, too.

Keeping abreast

Hey, hey. My words. They’re up here. OK, so, yesterday my thought process went like this: “Write many things and then spruce them up with some pretty pictures.” But today, I know better. Today I’m going to stop fighting it and reverse the equation. Why? Because it’s 10 days until Christmas (or if you don’t celebrate Christmas, a nice long weekend). I think we all deserve to turn off our brains a bit. And, as evolution would have it, my theme for today’s post has a habit of turning off brains anyway. I’ll freely admit, I’m not really a breast gal. I mean, don’t get me wrong, they’ve nice – no, really nice. But I can usually still make steady eye contact with a lady in spite her really nice rack. Not that I don’t enjoy a peek now and then. There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world, it would be a pity to not stare at these. [Though your work might think otherwise, so tastefully – that means no nip – NSFW.]

Scarlett JohanssonSo she is single now. So, you know – hey, girl.

Christina HendricksLike I could leave her off this list. Pshaw.

Anna FrielSize doesn’t matter.

Julianne MooreI can’t say this enough: This woman is FIFTY.

BeyoncéIt’s kind of not fair being both bootylicious and boobylicious.

Anne HathawayAnne is totally laughing at my boobylicious joke.

Dita von TeeseMatching one’s cleavage to one’s jacket is truly a lost art form.

RihannaIf she really was the only girl in the world, that would be a shame because we wouldn’t be able to look at her.

Blake LivelyIs it just me, or does that look uncomfortable?

Salma HayekWhen she arrives to vacation on small South Pacific islands the villagers always notice an abrupt change in the tidal patterns which subsist immediately after she leaves once again. They have yet to determine what is causing the additional orbital pull. Ahem.

Lynda Carter/Wonder WomanThe Wonder Boobs were responsible for untold numbers of nascent lesbian experiences.