Weisz woman

Well hello there, Rachel Weisz. I hear you want to be a lesbian icon. Or, you want to continue being a lesbian icon. My Spanish is a little shaky, but that’s what I was able to glean from your Spanish Vogue cover story. In fact, it says you want to star in a lesbian “Brokeback Mountain.” This is all awesome, clearly. We would love to have you join the esteemed and beloved gay for pay ranks. For reference please see our undying adoration of Lucy Lawless, Lena Headey, and Jennifer Beals, among others.

Now, because you seem keen on maintaining and even improving your dykon status, I will happily pass along five very simple, very critical pointers. Any straight actress wishing to curry good favor with us will have no problems attracting gay ladies as long as they follow these basic guidelines.

1. Play Gay: So simple, but often overlooked. For instance, come on Cate Blanchett – we know you’ve got it in you.
2. Be Cool About It: Never, ever say you had to “get drunk” before a lesbian kissing scene. Instead, make no big deal about it and just compliment your co-star profusely. Admittedly, it helps with the fantasy if you’re holding hands in the interviews. Just a suggestion.
3. Don’t Bi-Bait: Don’t say you “once kissed a girl,” “think women are beautiful,” “could maybe see yourself with another woman” if you don’t mean it. We hate being teased, too. Phony is not hot.
4. Speak Out: Talk about your support of GLBT causes in public. Attend rallies. Better yet, speak at rallies. Make us swoon by saying you won’t get married until everyone can get married. Oh, Charlize Theron. You’re so dreamy.
5. Love Your Fans: Be nice to your lesbian fans. Pose in our dorky pictures and always be polite when we gush about how much we loved you as Xena/Luce/Bette/whathaveyou. We’re harmless and, if treated right, unshakable.
*Extra Credit*
6. Be Gay: Granted, this one isn’t always possible. You can’t help being born straight, poor thing. But if you are, by chance, inclined to love the ladies then say it loud and say it proud. Seriously, we’ll grovel at your feet forever.

So, there you have it. A fool-proof path to permanent lesbian icon status. You’re welcome, Rachel. If you’re thinking of ways to thank me, I’d be happy to stand in as your lady-kissing practice partner. Like I said, I’m a giver.

Super(gay)models

Because you asked and because I’m a giver: Look, it’s more Amanda Moore. Amanda Moore the out queer supermodel. Amanda Moore the androgynous hottie. Amanda Moore the possible former dater of girls who have been known to look very Shane today. But what else do we know about Amanda? Let’s let her tell us, shall we?

To recap: She grew up a military brat and went to high school in Florida. She was a basketball player who dreamed of going professional, but instead she got discovered at an open casting call. Also, she looks fucking hot with a boy’s haircut. I cannot stress that last bit enough.

As for this, well, you know – no comment.

But, just like with yesterday’s lesbothrobs and Lays potato chips, no one can have just one. Amanda follows a host of out and gorgeous supermodels down the catwalk. A look at a few of my favorite super gay models.

Jenny ShimizuAngelina has damn fine taste in women.

Eve SalvailEve and her tattoo were the best things about “Prêt-à-Porter.” Though too bad we didn’t get to see her do this with Lili Taylor.

Rachel Williams (right)I’m probably the only one who remembers her from the 80s. But this issue was one of the first fashion magazines I ever bought. And I did it all for Rachel’s eyes.

Kim StolzHands in pockets. Plaid shirt. Rolled up sleeves. Big Belt. Screw smiling with your eyes, this is gaying with your entire body.

Jessica Clark (right)Her fiancée is professional trainer Lacey Stone (left). A model and a trainer? I just went to a bendy, sweaty place in my head.

Nanna GrundfeldtWow, gay is spelled the same way in Finnish as it is English.

Gia CarangiThe one, the only, the original. Damn, really, damn.

Yeah, that crazy hot chain-link fence scene from the movie? Totally happened. [NSFW, naturally.]

Lesbothrobs

Oh, Rachel, Rachel. Suspenders. What are you doing to us? SUSPENDERS. You know what kind of tizzy this will put us gay ladies into. How could you not? In fact, I think secretly you enjoy it. Yep, for all the adorable self deprecation, there has to be a teeny-tiny part of that big, magnificent brain of yours that is loving this lesbian heartthrob status. But, why not? It’s fun to be a lesbian heartthrob. Still lest you think I have only one big gay pin-up inside my locker, let me remind you that there are plenty of lesbian heartthrobs to go around. And to think some girls go crazy over Zac Efron. Silly girls.

Ellen DeGeneresI think she’ll do great on Idol. I mean, it’s a fancy karaoke contest. Chill, people.

Jane Lynch“Yes. We. CANE!” But seriously, I would totally let Jane cane me. With a safety word. And a blindfold.

Tegan, Amanda Palmer, SaraGay hipster super powers – activate!

Wanda SykesBut a cap, tight T-shirt and leather jacket are decidedly not whack.

Amanda MooreTo keep from swallowing my tongue, I’ll take a cue from Amanda and hold on instead.

Leisha HaileyI miss Alice. Not enough to sit through “The Farm,” but enough to sit through the episode of “CSI” where Leisha was a wolfgirl.

Cherry JonesDid she not look fantastic at the Emmys? Also, I heard she broke up with Sarah Paulson. How sad. Hey Cherry, I like the theater. What? I’m just saying.

Jodie FosterThis is Jodie Foster on the streets of New York last month. This is what gay looks like.

Who is going in your locker, so to speak? And quit doodling Mrs. Rachel Maddow on your Trapper Keeper. What is this, junior high?

My Weekend Crush

Of the many, many delicious things bout Eliza Dushku, I think the most delicious of all is her confidence. The girl has swagger – and I mean that in the best possible way. Confidence does not automatically equate cockiness. Instead, she seems completely comfortable in her own body. Of course, with a body like Eliza’s how could you not feel great? Having followed her for a while now on Twitter, I find her even more interesting for her lack of artifice. In real life she seems considerably girlier than her famous Faith alter ego, also less apt to knife play. She also appears to have a big heart and boundless enthusiasm for the world. And this age of cynicism, that stands out.

She is a person who uses “yo” unironically, jets off to Italy with her brother for a weekend and cheers unapologetically for all things Boston. And she does it all from a place of genuine enjoyment of her life. And why shouldn’t she enjoy her life? She is on one of the most intriguing new shows of the past few years. “Dollhouse” has grown into its potential after a tenuous start in its first, short season. With its second season premieres tonight, I can’t wait to see what Joss & Co. dream up for Echo. Because in a world where you can be anyone, who are you really? The implications on life, death, freewill and the soul are endless. And, even if none of life’s more profound questions interest you, there is always Eliza in leather pants. Now that, my friends, is just damn fine television. Happy weekend, all.

Tell me, who are hot?

I know it’s not particularly cool to say, but I love “CSI.” The we are the original, accept no substitute, high stakes or go home “CSI.” The we don’t need a stinking city behind our initials because what happens here stays here “CSI.” The we aren’t about making bad puns while taking off our sunglasses or tinting everything in NYPD’s blue “CSI.” You know – Vegas, baby. It’s just solid TV. Is it groundbreaking? Not especially. But week after week it is well done, infrequently gimmicky and beautifully produced. Tell me some of the scenes, especially in the last few Grissom seasons, did not feel cinematic in scope.

What I have always particularly liked about crime show and procedurals is that the women in them are not superfluous. They work just as hard and are taken just as seriously as the men. And that’s important. They also aren’t constrained as tightly by the shackles of glamour. Are they glamorous and attractive? Duh, they’re actors. But they don’t need to show up in evening gowns or leather hot pants or six-inch heels. They can just show up and be competent. (Well, except when doing magazine photoshoots, but one victory at a time, people.) Which, in turn, leads me to the two founding females of CSI: Marg Helgenberger and Jorja Fox.

While there may not have been a lot of warmth between their characters when the show premiered 10 years ago, what has developed is an organic affection and genuine respect. Like something you might find at an actual workplace between colleagues who have known each other for a decade. And, in the naughty recesses of my brain, I like to think that it’s Sara and Catherine, not Sara and Grissom, that indulge in after-hours extracurriculars together. Now, I’m no GSR hater. I don’t necessarily want to watch them together in silk robes, but I’m happy their characters seem to have found a happily ever after – and even made it official. But, come on, look at the opportunity the producers are missing here. [Click any and all the enlarge.]

But now with Sara’s return for several episodes this season, they have can finally make amends. And the ladies are even teasing us about it via their new TV Guide cover story:

Would Catherine ever kiss Sara?
Jorja: We did today! At the TV Guide Magazine photo shoot.

Of course, the show already missed an equally golden opportunity when Det. Sofia Curtis (Louise Lombard, a.k.a. The Best-Strutting Butch With a Button-Down and a Badge Possibly Ever) mysteriously left the show. I mean, ohmygodhowfuckinghotaretheytogether?

And while I had hoped for some sort of Sara Sidle/Soup Chef chemistry this year, Lauren Lee Smith’s character Riley is gone before the season premieres tonight. Riley wasn’t my favorite anyway, not because of Lauren but because her character wasn’t given much to work with. So tonight, I’m going to celebrate the return of Sara, if only for a little while, to my favorite crime procedural. Plus, there has always been an unspoken agreement in the community that Jorja is one of ours.

So welcome back to my TV, homegirl. We’ve missed that gap-tooth grin. Now go get the bad guys.

Will Sing for Work

Look, someone has to hire Kristin Chenoweth. Like now, like immediately, like yesterday. She needs to be on my TV. Like regularly, like constantly, like 24/7. Her win at the Emmys Sunday only served as a reminder how much we’re missing. I mean, that speech. Did your heart not just melt? After what can only be described accurately as a series of squeaks, she started her speech with “This is very heavy” (this, of course, being the Emmy itself). And then she went on to quite smartly and sweetly make her pitch: “I’m unemployed now so I’d like to be on ‘Mad Men.’ I also like ‘The Office’ and ‘24.’” Come on, how can you resist TV producers? Hire this woman. Do it, do it now.

The thing is, I don’t understand why Kristin isn’t an enormous star already. Sure, she is a star already – an enormous Broadway star and unequivocal icon in certain circles. But STAR, like of her own show, like on any show. Seriously, why isn’t she on a show? I mean, Jay Mohr has his own show. He’s had three. But instead, since the untimely and unfair early demise of “Pushing Daisies,” we’re relegated to getting our Kristin in tiny doses. Next Wednesday she’ll guest star on “Glee,” which is you think about it is a perfect fit. Singing, dancing, spirit fingers. The combined awesome of Kristin and Jane Lynch on one show is like Christmas in September. And, look, she bowls!

The thing is, Olive Snook may go down in my personal history as one of my all-time favorite TV characters. That combination of adorable melancholy in one teeny-tiny perky package was beyond genius. Also genius? Her easy-access waitress dresses. And, of course, that voice.

For the love of all that is good and right, SOMEONE HIRE KRISTIN CHENOWETH!

p.s. “The Office” fans have found the perfect role for her already. We can make this happen, people. Work with me.

p.p.s. My God, she is truly pocket-sized. I mean, tell me the looks on both Tina and Jon’s faces aren’t a mix of “Congratulations!” and “I want to put you in my pocket and take you home!”

My sentiments exactly.

[Censored for Your Safety]

Oh heavens, the “L” word is frightening people again. But this time we can’t blame Mama Chaiken. No, it’s not that soap opera turned murder mystery that has people running scared, but the actual word lesbian. Last month news broke that some of the DVD covers to “Lesbian Vampire Killers” were being censored in the U.K.. To put a finer point on it, the “Lesbian” was being censored. The words “Vampire” and “Killers?” Totally appropriate for all ages. But “Lesbian?” HIDE YOUR CHILDREN! The warning placed over “Lesbian” reads: “Warning: may display sexually suggestive cover image.”

This is, of course, ludicrous. And don’t get me started on the sticker that is supposed to cover up the cleavage. Hey, sticker appliers, her eyes are higher. Granted, this movie seems like utter rubbish in the first place. But much like the removal of the “Titty” from that “Itty Bitty Committee,” this is simple absurdity tinged puritanical hysteria. But then, as absurd things always do, it got me thinking. Specifically, it got me thinking about what movies I would slap a warning label on because they offended my delicate sensibilities.

Vicky Cristina BarcelonaWhy let the dude ruin the fantasy for you?

Inglorious BasterdsWho spells the damn title of their own movie wrong, on purpose?

W.I say we banish the letter from the alphabet.

He’s Just Not That Into YouYou are so gay. So, so gay.

MilkWhat? I’m lactose intolerant.

So, any more you would like to see labeled for our own protection? Safety first, people.

SGALGG: Emmy Edition

Yep, kittens, it’s Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals: The Emmys Edition. Last night’s telecast was much better than usual. In fact, I would even consider calling it fun. And, as always, one of the most fun things about award shows (well, other than simply beautiful women looking beautiful) is the interesting couplings and interactions that can arise. And by interesting, as always, I mean totally gay. [Click any and all to embiggen the SGALGG.]

Tina Fey & Mariska HargitayI may need a moment or a lifetime or possibly two lifetimes.

Debra Messing & Mary-Louise ParkerDebra must have taken up bee charming. How else would she get MLP to squeeze up so close?

Blake Lively & Leighton MeesterIf straight gals start holding hands all the time in public because of this my gaydar is going to need an overhaul.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus & Amy PoehlerClearly they’re discussing how quickly they can get each other out of those dresses afterward.

Anna Torv & Keifer SutherlandThis is still a SGALGG, but on this case it stands for Straight Guy Acting Like a Gay Gal. Admit it, you were totally checking out the cleavage, too.

The Ladies of “Mad Men”Fine so Elisabeth Moss, Christina Hendricks, January Jones aren’t doing anything particularly gay. But they sure are in my head.

Glenn Close & Mariska HargitayMariska gets around. I am OK with that as long as I get to watch.

Tina FeyCome on, the woman put cupcakes on her Emmy.

BONUS: Padma v. Olivia

So, who gave us the better visual interpretation of the old “liquor in the front, poker in the back” punchline?

Padma Lakshmi
Olivia Wilde
For more of my thoughts on this year’s Emmys, check out AfterEllen.com later today.