Music Monday: Cowboy KNTRY

Admittedly, I don’t really like country music. Wait, I take that back, I don’t really like contemporary country music. I like some of the old-timey stuff. Your Patsy Cline and your Johnny Cash and your Willie and your Dolly. I think I feel the same way about the country genre as I do about jazz. Love the classics, hate the smooth variety. But I never doubted what kind of country Beyoncé would produce. She has made modern country music that speaks to its earliest origins, and with a beat that you can dance to – which is quite something. But then would you expect anything else from perhaps the most intentional musical artist working today? I love how “Cowboy Carter” reclaims a genre overrun by the Good ‘Ol Boy Cosplayers. Like so much in this country, the deepest roots of our culture – from music to food to yes even cowboys – owes an endless debt to Black Americans. And, like so much in this country, those debts have never been properly repaid.

The reason so many people (i.e. white conservative America) resents Beyoncé is because she has used her unparalleled starpower to remind America of those debts. And that’s just not something a lot of people want to hear. But because it’s Beyoncé, they can’t just ignore it. And that just makes them mad. To which I say, good. Be mad. It won’t change the fact that Beyoncé is one of the most talented, savvy and popular artists of this generation. And speaking of that intentionality, there’s no way – NO WAY – you can interpret “II Most Wanted,” the duet between Bey and Miley Cyrus, as anything other than a lesbian love song. "I'll be your backseat baby, drivin' you crazy." Like, that is not how best friends sing about each other. So, yeah, this is gonna play at some gay wedding receptions for sure in the future. For. Sure. Happy Monday, kittens.

Tank Top Tuesday

In my ongoing effort to find joy in 2017, I’d like to take a moment to thank some of Hillary Clinton’s biggest backers – in tank tops. Like the only America who is great actually again, above. (Not that either America was ever not great.) These are some strong, talented women who supported a woman who is infinitely qualified to lead our country. Sure, things didn’t go as any of us had hoped (no thanks to Russia, the FBI, GOP voter suppression, racism, sexism and an outdated electoral college system that unevenly weighs geographic regions and was historically used to help slave owners). But these women are still great and talented, and I know still with her. In tank tops of not.

Alicia Keys


Elizabeth Banks


Beyoncé


Chrissy Teigen


Kerry Washington


Meryl Streep

Tank Top Tuesday: Technically Edition

Right, fine, so technically they aren’t all wearing tank tops in the above image. But I think, deep down, in spirit they are. Goodness, I had forgotten how much I loved seeing the ladies of the United States Women’s National Team all over the place. So consider this a little refresher for everyone. Plus, you know, who can resist a good tank top – even if only in spirit.

Beyoncé

Technically, this is a swimsuit. But, as I always say, a swimsuit is just a tank top that doesn’t know when to stop.

Alycia Debnam-Carey

Technically, this is a muscle shirt. But, girl, the boots more than make up for that.

Zoe Kravitz

Technically, this is a camisole. But, we all know, a camisole is just a tank top that wants to Netflix and chill.

Brandi Carlile

Technically, this is a vest. But, duh, that makes it even gayer.

Pink

Technically, this is just netting. But, please, like you’re complaining.

Winona Ryder

Technically, this is overalls. But, yeah, overalls.

Christine and the Queens

Technically, this is really a tank top. But, I told you, I am just really into her music right now.

SGALGG: Oscars Edition

Where there is an award show there will always be Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals. These Oscars are, of course, no different. I mean when you seat Jennifer Lopez next to Meryl Streep, what were you expecting?

Jennifer Lopez & Beyoncé

Fine, if JLo had to trade in Meryl for any other snuggle partner, I guess Queen Bey is an OK substitute. I guess.

Amy Adams & Amanda Peet

All I hear in my head when I look at this picture is “mwah, mwah, mwah” kissing sounds.

Jennifer Aniston & Emma Stone

Starting the Hugs Across America movement all over again.

Jennifer Hudson & Angie Harmon

DOES MAURA KNOW? And on a Gayzzoli Recap Day. For shame.

Reese Witherspoon & Nicole Kidman

Everyone’s a cheater today. Nicole, you’d better hope Naomi Watts doesn’t find out.

Emma Stone & Julianne Moore

This is a two-timing I approve of. I mean, I like Jen. But Julianne all day long.

Iman & Paula Patton

No cheating here. Paula kicked that Blurred Lines idiot to the curb where he belongs.

Patricia Clarkson & Sienna Miller

I’m having major “High Art” flashbacks, minus the heroin.

Natalie Portman & Rashida Jones

Fine, so they’re not acting super gay to each other. But I just dig that they’re friends.

Meryl Streep

Jacket on point.

Scarlett Johansson

Undercut on fleek.

I think Meryl speaks for all of us about Scarlett’s haircut. YAAAAASS.

Bow down, feminists

Say what you will about Beyoncé (and what you’re saying is a little prayer, as she has taken over as our pop culture lord and savior), but she has never shied away from the F-word. Yes, she’s a feminist. It’s right there on the screen at the MTV VMAs. No mistaking. And regardless of what you think of Beyoncé’s pop iconography or booty shakes or personal dramas (hey, sometimes shit goes down when there’s a billion dollars on an elevator), I think it’s wonderful she would choose this moment to promote the ideal. I’d happily gif feminism any day.

And, like in her single, Queen Bey again sampled Nigerian novelist Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s TED speech “We should all be feminists,” which said:

We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls, ‘You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful. Otherwise, you will threaten the man.

Feminist: a person who believes in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes.

Now that sentiment is the perfect way to start off a week, hell, a life. Is there a bucket of ice we can throw at each other for feminism to go viral?

p.s. See her entire, insane, VMA Vanguard Award performance here. Bow down, indeed.

Gender Fuck Thursday: B&W Edition

It’s hard to think of ways to improve the sublime sexiness of a woman in a nice suit. But put her in a nice suit and take a black and white picture and, well, you’ve mad a good thing even gooder. Hush now, I’m looking at black and white pictures of women in suits and ties. Ain’t nobody got time for good grammar. Fine. Better – the word is BETTER. Now, do you feel better? Oh, sorry, not about the grammar. About the black and white pictures of women in suits. Duh.

Cate Blanchett

I’m pretty damn excited to see Cate and Rooney Mara lesbian it up in “Carol," from Patricia Highsmith’s novel “The Price Of Salt” – even if the age difference eeks me out. But, then, I think it’s supposed to.

Charlotte Rampling

At 68 she was just featured in a new ad campaign for Nars lipsticks. I’ve never heard of Nars lipsticks, but I certainly like them more now.

Léa Seydoux

I could make an obligatory “Blue Is the Warmest Color” joke here. But I’ll take the high road I love this looks except for the frilly cuffs. I just want to scissor those. Oh, shit. Sorry, I tried.

Beyoncé

Life’s a lot easier if you just accept and acknowledge that Beyoncé is our new lord and savior.

Charlotte Sullivan

I feel bad that I don’t watch “Rookie Blue.” Yeah, that’s all I got.

Bette Davis

Old-School Suit Game Status: Impeccable.

p.s. Fixed it. My most humble apologies for not delivering Charlotte at first as promised. For shame.

Tank Top Tuesday: Back to Basics

Like Amy Poehler, I will always say “Yes please!” to a plain white tank top. While there are endless variations on a classic, sometimes going back to basics is the best. So let’s do just that. Plain white tanks of summer, activate.

Angie Harmon

“Rizzoli & Isles” is back Tuesday and it’s both good and bad – you know, like the show. Good, as always, the chemistry. Bad, oy, this show.

Beyonce

What the Solange/Jay Z elevator fight was about will remain one of the great unsolved mysteries of our time.

Sarah Silverman

What has she been up to lately? Is there some sort of Comedy Overlords rule that there can only be one funny, inappropriate lady comic making headlines at a time? And right now Amy Schumer is filling that position. Oh, right, it’s called sexism.

Evelyne Brochu

Well, at least last weekend’s crush was justified. I think. I am distracted because it was apparently a bit nippy wherever Evelyne was for this photo. Ahem. (p.s. I can’t believe there’s only one episode left.)

Lena Headey

Sure, Cersei is technically (not technically, really) “bad.” But gotta give her props for helping to ruin Tywin Lannister’s Father’s Day. .

Queens for a Day

These are by no means a complete or coherent listing of my thoughts about the Grammys. But it is late and my brain needs a break from all the stage fog. What I do know is that these were the first Grammys I have actually enjoyed in years. My enjoyment was twofold. 1) There were some very fun performances by Queen Bey, Pink, Lorde, Sara Bareilles and Carole King, Kacey Musgraves, Kendrick Lamar and those rock guys and Macklemore, Ryan Lewis, Mary Lambert, Queen Latfiah, Madonna and all those couples who got married. 2) I watched it on tape delay with liberal use of the fast forward button.

The only way it could have been better, besides all the boring bits I fast forwarded through, was if Queen Latifah made it official while officiating all those marriages. Come on, Queen. If Jodie Foster can do it at an award show, so can you.

pic.twitter.com/SfXr2Gf6WJ

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) January 27, 2014

Short Cuts

Hey, did you hear Beyoncé got a haircut? Of course you did. It was the STOP THE PRESSES news from last week, dammit. I for one applaud each woman who decides it’s time for an alternative lifestyle haircut. I don’t have the face for it, too round like a pumpkin. But I sure do appreciate others who can make it work. And, interestingly, so many are making it work as blondes. Do they have even more fun the shorter they go? For each straight lady who successfully goes Ellen with her locks, one bad lesbian hair joke gets forever laid to rest. Just don’t screw it up by brining back the mullet, fashion. You’ve already brought back high-waisted jean shorts and fanny packs. We can’t survive another era of business in the front, party in the back.

Some short hair, do care looks to enjoy along with Queen Bey’s.

Beyoncé

I can’t wait to see this styled and paired with a tuxedo jacket.

Charlize Theron

Marrying this haircut is now legal in 13 states and the District of Columbia.

Cate Blanchett

I’m kind of excited for “Blue Jasmine,” Woody Allen notwithstanding.

Carey Mulligan

I kind of think she should never have long hair.

Anne Hathaway

I don’t hate her blonde pompadour. I really didn’t.

Miley Cyrus

I really, really don’t hate her blonde pompadour. Really.

Pink

Blonde Pompadour + Visible Obliques = Nothing to Hate Here.

Tilda Swinton

Please, you knew she’d be on this list.