Movie Review: The Old Guard 2

I really, really wanted to love “The Old Guard 2.” Same cast, same mission – and now with added Uma! What’s not to like? Plus, hello, the payoff of Andy and Quỳnh reuniting after 500 years was gonna be epic, right? Well. Alas, the sequel lacks the kinetic elegance and narrative panache of the first film, due in no small part to the absence of original director Gina Prince-Bythewood.

This time around, Andy and Co. are battling The First Immortal, Discord – played by Uma Thurman. Discord, as her name suggests is generally bad news. I mean she’s an arms dealer so that tracks. The second film plays a little faster and looser with our immortal heroes’ immortality – they seem to heal much faster than they did in the first one. And some other parts of their mythology felt forced this time out. It also shamelessly underuses KiKi Layne as Nile, who learns from Discord that she is the last Immortal.

But my biggest beef with the sequel is how it still triptoes around Andy and Quỳnh’s romantic past. Sure, we can infer they were more than just besties who kicked ass together. Or, you know, “roommates.” Yet they continue to deny us any glimmer of their sapphic past together. And, SPOILER ALERT, Charlize and Veronica Ngô don’t even kiss once. For a film series that has so lovingly has depicted – and shown – the love between Joe and Nicky, two gay men who have loved and fought side-by-side for centuries, to refuse to show us the same with Andy and Quỳnh seems incongruous to say the least. I mean, look, I get it. Girlfriend is PISSED that Andy didn’t keep looking for her. And 500 years is a long time to process your relationship during watery torture. But, still – flashbacks exist, people.

I’m still glad I watched and, SPOILERS AGAIN, there is hope that the third film might finally give us the Andy/Quỳnh goodness we deserve. I mean, was this whole film just a long lesbian makeup session? We can only hope. At least Charlize kept swinging that labrys the whole movie. And she manages to make that mullet look, well, I mean, she’s still Charlize Theron after all.

Tank Top Tuesday: Old Guard 2 Edition

Well, I am going to have a full review of “Old Guard 2” later this week next week, after I get my shit together from the long holiday weekend. What? Doing nothing while certainly not celebrating America is exhausting. But I thought I would give you a preview of the aesthetic we’re working here – with some bonus tank tops to boot because it’s Tuesday. Lest you forgot, it involves Charlize Theron and Uma Thurman rolling around on the ground together.

Yes, the Uma, Charlize; Charlize, Uma jokes write themselves. But why joke when we can just appreciate these two women standing next to each other. They don’t even need to be wielding weapons to look deadly.

Also, is it just me or are they essentially wearing the same outfit in these shots, minus the formal jacket on Charlize?

Truly Hot Ones

It’s July and, oh yeah, straight people exist. So here are two very nice and nice-to-look-at straight people doing the straightest thing possible, eating super hot chicken wings. Charlize Theron and Uma Thurman did a Hot Ones challenge together to promote “The Old Guard 2.” I maintain it’s homophobic for Netflix to wait to release this movie until early July (tomorrow, to be exact). But, I will forgive them a tiny bit because they cast Charlize and Uma together and made them fight. Come on, The Bride v. Furiosa? Sometimes, it’s the little things. Like Charlize’s plain white T-shirt. Who needs a whole marketing campaign when she can just show up, eat wings and look like that?

The Bride v. Furiosa

Look, I could make a Letterman-style “Uma, Charlize. Charlize, Uma.”-joke here. But that would age us all, and also I’d rather say, holyfuckingshitballs, The Bride fights Furiosa! If you thought I was hyped about “The Old Guard 2” before, goodness I plan to be insufferable until July. I even forgive them for giving Andy that wolf cut. Because the showdown of Charlize Theron v. Uma Thurman is so irresistible. So magnetic. So righteously kickass that I’m not even gonna be mad if they don’t kiss. (But, of course, all things being equal I would rather they did. Ahem.) Also, I think Andy might have her hands full with the return of Quynh. Something tells me her ex might be harboring a grudge, what with being trapped at the bottom of the sea for centuries and all. You know, typical lesbian drama.

Tank Top Tuesday: Seeing Double

And, I am back. I come bearing the "My Blogger Went On Summer Vacation and All I Got Was This Stupid Tank Top Tuesday"-T-shirt. Granted, not all these famous actresses with their stunt doubles are both wearing tank tops. But some of them are. And others are definitely showing off the only kind of gun show I approve of. So, yeah, it counts. Like you were gonna complain about your gift after I showed you Tessa Thompson and Tara Macken in their matching sleeveless Valkyrie/King of Asgard battle outfits.

Uma Thurman & Zoe Bell, Kill Bill

Two tank tops and yellow tracksuits will always be better than one.

Margot Robbie & Ingrid Kleinig, Suicide Squad

Honestly, I mostly feel for the costume designer who has to make identical rips in their T-shirts.

Caitriona Balfe & Kristin Gribbin, Outlander

This looks like the start of an epic lesbian action-adventure movie.

Kate McKinnon & Meredith Richardson, Ghostbusters

I don’t care how hard the dude-bros cry, the Lady Ghostbusters were great and they shoulda made a sequel.

Bryce Dallas Howard & Whitney Coleman, Jurassic World

I still think it’s dumb they had her in heels in the first place for this, but I appreciate the tank tops regardless.

Gal Gadot & Christiaan Bettridge, Wonder Woman

Seeing double plus kissing a double is always good.

Tank Top Tuesday: New Old Guard Edition

I…I don’t know how I feel about this development. On the one hand, I’m thrilled, THRILLED, that they are shooting the sequel to “The Old Guard.” On the other hand, I’m less thrilled, less, that they’ve done this to Charlize Theron/Andy/Andromache of Scythia’s hair while shooting the sequel to “The Old Guard.”

Sure, it’s giving me some serious late 2000s Tegan & Sara vibes. And if there’s anyone who could pull off a fashion mullet, it’s certainly Charlize. Now, I do appreciate the vest and reassurance that Andy’s commitment to tank tops (and those Wayfarers) remains unwavering. And suits, well, suits are new. And I will always appreciate suits.

But the hair? Sigh. We will just have to grit out teeth and trust the process.

Also helping me get over the hair? Uma freaking Thurman. Uma’s presence in the sequel was only just revealed, as were images of her on set tussling with Charlize. The Bride from Kill Bill going after the immortal from The Old Guard? Yes, I would like to see it. Yes.

Fine, maybe I forgive the hair. No, not really. I remain salty.

My Weekend Rage On

It’s been a hell of a year. Take Uma’s measured yet clearly furious response to the recent revelations of serial sexual harassment, abuse and assault within the entertainment – not to mention basically every other – industry and apply it to all your unassuaged anger at the world these last 365 days. Better yet, take her Krazy 88s scene from “Kill Bill,” and consider it our collective literal and figurative response. Rage more weekend, all.

Photobomb the system

Grab your flak jacket. Throw on a helmet. It’s time to get photobombed. One of my favorite photos from this year’s Emmys wasn’t a SGALGG moment (because there were precious few to be found, and trust me I looked). No, it was an explosively awesome photobomb by my No. 1 Fake TV Wife Tina Fey. While one might say I am predisposed to think everything Tina does is explosively awesome (and one would be right), I think even under the casual, objective observer would be hard pressed to think differently. Tina photobombing Amy Poehler, Martha Plimpton and Mark Burnett at the Governor’s Ball ranks among my all-time favorite celebrity photobombs. But, of course, there are others. So in the spirit of silliness, please enjoy a few of my favorite celebrity photobombs. Beware celebrities: No matter how hard you pose, another celebrity might sneak in and drop a hilarity grenade.

Sasha Alexander by Edoardo PontiGetting photobombed by your husband? Awkward.

Lucy Lawless & Rob Tapert by Renee O'ConnorGabrielle photobombing Xena? That has to be the start of a fan-fic somewhere.

Taylor Swift by Daniel CraigThis photobomb is shaken, not stirred.

Justin Timberlake & Olivia Wilde by Hugh LaurieHouse has about a million N’Sync jokes running through his head.

Catherine Zeta-Jones & Angelina Jolie by Michael DouglasThis is less of a photobomb and more of a wishful thinking.

Perez Hilton & Amber Riley by Lea MicheleSee, Lea doesn’t always pose for photos the same way.

Sandra Oh & Thomas Haden Church by Paul GiamattiPaul did this because they made him drink Merlot.

Ang Lee & Uma Thurman by Jake GyllenhaalOne of the all-time classic photobombs. Drink responsibly, kids.

Tina Fey by her daughter, AliceWhat can I say, like mother, like daughter.

p.s. “Parks & Recreation” is back tonight on NBC, so watch it y’all or Ron Swanson will photobomb all your future formal portraits.

Tank Top Tuesday

Coming off a long, lazy three-day weekend, I have to admit that I’m just not ready for the formality of business attire. So, I’m not gonna even try. Instead, let’s revel in the casual charm of the tank top. I mean, look at Keira Knightley. Does she look even remotely interested in going into the office? Whether working out, working hard or hardly working, it’s simply the best way to ease into any work week – abbreviated or not. Thanks, ladies, for reminding us that the tank top is always the preferred attire when…

…running errands, like Hilary Swank.Of course, she is taking that “running” part a little too literally. Overachiever.

…walking the dogs, like Olivia Wilde.Never before have I meant it more sincerely when I’ve said, “Lucky dogs!”

…walking a dog and a baby, like Jessical Biel.Sheesh, another overachiever.

…checking your cell, like Evangeline Lilly.If only it had GPS, this whole “Lost” thing could have been over a whole lot quicker.

…rubbing in your ability to sunbath to your undead boyfriend, like Anna Paquin.Does anyone else have to fight the urge to scream “SOOKEH!” whenever you see her?

…considering just how hot it will be to co-star with Eliza Dushku, like Summer Glau.Joss Whedon is a total babe magnet.

…relaxing before killing Bill, like Uma Thurman & Zoe Bell.Behold the beauty of always having a spare.

…arm wrestling, like Rose McGowan & Rosario Dawson.Clearly they’re wrestling to see who has to take a shower first. I call it a draw and say they shower together. Compromise is truly a beautiful thing.

Tank Top Tuesday

I know, I know. These are paparazzi pictures. And I know, I know. Paparazzi are bad. But I'm not posting these shots of stars out and about as an encouragement to stalker shutterbugs. Instead I consider these images important documentation of wild tank tops in their natural habitat. As such they also serve as a valuable public service announcement. Ladies: Wear more tank tops. Heading to the gym? Tank top. Heading out shopping? Tank top. Headed to the airport? Tank top. Doctor's office? Dog park? Jail? Tank top, tank top, tank top (hey, tank tops pair nicely with orange jumpsuits). Consider it doing your doing you part to help beautify the world. Trust me, the world will thank you. At the very least, I'll thank you. So ends this public service announcement.

PinkTank tops and biker hear, a match made in hog heaven.

Halle BerryA tank top with an easy-access zipper? Genius!

Michelle RodriguezTanks look great out of the closet – just a suggestion.

Cynthia NixonSee, I told you they looked great out of the closet.

Natalie PortmanTanking and texting: Like walking and chewing gum, but so much hotter.

Kate BeckinsaleScientific proof that tank tops make you frisky, or is that friskable. Same difference.

Shakira and Penelope CruzBFFs + TTs = Best Math Ever

Uma ThurmanTank dresses totally count.

Anne HathawayFine, tube tops don't count, but because of her adorkable headphones I've made an exception.

Tricia Helfer and Katee SackhoffRemember what I was saying about biker gear and tank tops? Double it.

Jessica BielNow that, that is how you fill out a tank top...Period. Full stop. End of discussion.