Eat Your Heart Out, Everyone Else

@gilliana Jean Smart, eat your heart out 👄❤️🔪 @MUBI ♬ original sound - Gillian Anderson

Well, now. I truly appreciate Gillian Anderson’s commitment to her campaign to start major beef with Jean Smart over the affection of Hannah Einbinder. So far Jean has largely tried to stay above the fray, confident in her place as Hannah’s O.G. Alpha May-December Suitor. But after those glowing reviews of “Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma” from its Cannes premiere last week, I’m more invested in the Jean Smart-Gillian Anderson throwdown than ever. Also, Hannah’s wide-eyed reaction and insistence that they’re “open.” Talk about giving the sapphics what they want.

p.s. This is exactly how I’d look at Gillian if she put her hand around my waist like that. Exactly.

p.p.s. I know, I know, I’m super behind on all the gay shit on “Hacks.” But this is Gillian’s moment anyway.

Hacks for the Memories

How is an incredible, groundbreaking and whip smart show like “Hacks” ending after only five seasons when at least one and for several years multiple “The Big Bang Theory” extended television universe shows have been on the air continuously since 2007? Sigh. Life isn’t fair, bitches. I mean, a universe where Deborah Vance can’t tell one little single joke? Yeah, we knew that couldn’t last. I just hope Ava finally gets some. That whole Christina Hendricks thing was such a tease. Though, obviously, you should never fuck a Republican. And, on that note, they’d better not make the great pantless Cherry Jones another lesbian Republican. Though, I see pantlessness may be a theme this season, and I’m not mad at it. Not mad at all. Except, of course, about “Hacks” ending.

Jean v. Gillian

As if we needed more reason to be excited about “Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma!,” but it has ignited a probably parasocial, definitely enjoyable heated rivalry between Gillian Anderson and Jean Smart for Hannah Einbinder’s affections. Like, when Hannah posted a picture of Jean in a jaunty beret with a sexy martini, Gillian had to respond with her own French twist - yes, towel beret and grape olive and all. Seriously, please, more of this. We need it. The world needs this. I did not have Gillian Anderson and Jean Smart battle to be drawn like one of Hannah Einbinder’s French girls on my 2026 bingo card, but I will most definitely take it. Gillian, Gillian, I was unfamiliar with your towel game.

The Golden Wandas

I know I said I’d write about the Golden Globes, but honestly I thought they were pretty meh. Part of this is because so few celebrities took the opportunity, international attention and enormous platform to say something, anything about the cruelty and craziness unfolding all around us. Yes, there were notable exceptions (see, this is why we stan Jean Smart, Wanda Sykes and Natasha Lyons. You too, Mark Ruffalo – but you’re a straight white man so truly more of your brethren need to start showing up).

I don’t have any feelings about “One Battle After Another” yet because I haven’t watched it, though I do have mostly sleepy feelings about “Hamnet” (which moved at a glacial pace before packing a surprisingly emotional punch at the very end). I was also pleasantly surprised by Nikki Glaser’s return hosting gig, mostly because of her dig at the Bari Weiss-ified CBS News. But I really loved Wanda Sykes. Leave it to the queer Black woman to speak the most truth to the powerful and privileged in the room. I mean, she roasted Bill Maher and Ricky Gervais to their faces (well, Ricky wasn’t there – but you know he heard that). The best part of the night, by far, was that after Gervais inexplicably won, Wanda followed through on her threat to thank “God and the trans community” on his behalf. Be more like Wanda, Hollywood.

NYC Hacks

I’m so thrilled “Hacks” is coming back and so thrilled “Hacks” is filming in New York City. Why? Because then you get to see Deborah Vance pose with a Sabrett’s cart. And do, well, whatever ridiculous nonsense that Deborah, Ava and company are up to in the concrete jungle.

Also, come on, I know it’s wrong. And I actually don’t even want to see it happen on the show. But, yeah, I ship it. I can’t help it.

p.s. Speaking of inappropriate crushes, I definitely have not overcome my totally age-inappropriate crush on Hannah Einbinder. I mean, after that Emmy acceptance speech, who could not have a crush on her?

Hacking Away

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Here are some “Hacks” Season 4 bloopers to spark joy. They might spark something else too, because of how Hannah Einbinder and Jean Smart love to tease. The funny thing about Deborah-Ava shipping is that if Deborah Vance and Ava Daniels actually did hookup it would be a May-December nuclear disaster. But then, things aren’t going to well in the real world, so why not Chernobyl our fantasies too.

Hacks for the Memories

Thank the universe that Deborah and Ava, everyone’s favorite age-gap frienemies, are back for a little well-needed distraction. The power dynamic between the two has never been more, well, dynamic. As Deborah starts her new late-night talk show with Ava as her blackmail-enthusiast head writer, the sparks are gonna spark.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not necessarily an Avorah shipper (that’s the portmanteau for some reason when “DeVa” was right there). I’m not necessarily adverse to it either. I’m kinda lesbian Switzerland about it. So not seeing too much in this trailer for Season 4 isn’t a worry. Ava is dressing gay enough (hello, suits, ties, whatever that brown thrift store pullover dealie was) for me to feel confident that we will be well represented this season. And by “we” I mean klutzy queer women who are bad at hitting on other women, obviously.

Plus, it looks like Deborah goes to what seems to be a gay dance club AND a strip club at some point. I’m all for later-in life experimentation. So, what Deborah/Ava shenanigans are you hoping for this season?

Pride Vacation Vixen: Hannah Einbinder

[SPOILERS FOR HACKS SEASON 3 FINALE]

Like, holy shit. Truly, wow. Before the finale I would say my one possible criticism of this season was it had underused Hannah Einbinder a bit. Like besides that rather unsatisfying encounter with Christina Hendricks as yet another unrepentant Capitalist Monster, Hannah was mostly straight woman as Jean Smart gave multiple tour de forces. (I don’t think I conjugated that right, but I’m traveling for work so shrug emoji.) Anyway, let me get to the point which I can conjugate which is give Hannah Einbinder the damn Emmy. Whew, the student has become the hot damn master. Bring on Season 4 (which has been renewed so don’t worry)!

Forever a Hack

Since we’re pre-gaming Pride early this week (start early, trick the homophobes!), how about we talk a little about my favorite show right now. “Hacks” has always been good, right from the start. Funny, smart and a perfect showcase for the comedy chemistry and overall greatness of Jean Smart and Hannah Einbinder. But this season, after what I thought was a near perfect season last year, they’ve somehow gotten even better.

They’re taken a show already brimming with great performances and somehow upped everyone’s game by raising the stakes (and I’m not even trying to make a Vegas pun here, I swear!). No, the stakes this season has raised are about the finite nature of time itself. Deborah is getting older. We’re all getting older. The somedays of our dreams grow fewer each year, and this season “Hacks” has leaned way the fuck into this reality with Deborah’s pursuit of her late-night dreams. Sure, on her surface, Deborah Vance is a capitalist nightmare. But peel back and there’s a beauty in her realization that time is coming for us all.

Few shows have taken the time to delve into the emotions of aging. What does it mean to no longer have a bright future ahead of you? But Hacks, this unlikely cross-generational look at female and creative friendship, has done just that in its third season. As we delve deeper into what these two women mean to each other creatively and emotionally, I have greatly enjoyed finding out who these women truly are underneath it all. Only one more episode to go this season. Here’s hoping the Deborah and Ava show goes on forever.

Just Total Hacks

God, I love this show. I love Jean Smart and Hannah Einbinder’s chemistry. I love the show’s unexpectedly big heart. And, obviously, I love how hilarious AND gay the series has been from the start. And now we get to see Hannah’s Ava has become more and more queer to the point where she gets to makeout on screen with Christina Hendricks. Like, good work if you can get it, honey. Well done, you. Also well done are all the glowing reviews I’ve read of the new season. And almost all of them have said something along the lines of, I didn’t think we needed another season after that perfect ending in Season 2. But, uh, we were wrong and it got better. Now that’s what I like to hear. And, in one week, see. The lesbian TV gods are real, that's for sure.

"god is real"
she's so gay i'm obsessed with her pic.twitter.com/6jRHzw4DuK

— judith's secret gf (@julesnichqls) April 17, 2024

We Can Hack It

Hacks! Is! BACKKKK! And, from the looks of things, pretty gay. Emphasis on “The Pretty” and “The Gay.” I’m just thrilled this show is returning to give us more May-December platonic female friendship/mentorship/proxy mother-daughter hilarity between Jean Smart and Hannah Einbinder. I just love their dynamic. Though, I never really thought they worked as a couple-couple (despite Ava’s occasional daydreams). So I am equally thrilled to see Ava appears to have a new romantic interest in the new season in the incredibly shapely form of Christina Hendricks. Hello. Imma need to see this whole scene immediately, if not sooner.

I mean it. Release the footage! Or at least make this happen in the first episode of the season because three weeks is about all I can wait to see what happens after she gets that pesky top off.

Return to Golden Hour

So, yeah, the Golden Globes were on a random Tuesday and it felt weird watching them because, well, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association sucks and we all know that. But, well, I love a glitzy event and I REALLY love Everything Everywhere All At Once (duh). And, you know, it’s always fun to see TV People hobnob with Movie People – though the biggest groan-inducing repeat gag (literally and figuratively) of the night everyone saying “Hi!” to Brad Pitt. Honestly, if they’d just let Jennifer Coolidge fill the three and a half hours with her kooky stories while handing out the awards to all the POC who deserve it I would have been just as happy with the telecast.

Admittedly, because they had to, the HFPA did considerably better this year with inclusion both on stage, behind the scenes and among its winners. And, it was pretty gay, too. From host Jerrod Carmichael to Jennifer Coolidge stealing the show, twice. All of the excellence from winners like Quinta Brunson and Michelle Yeoh and Angela Bassett is a reminder that while talent is everywhere, opportunity is not. When we allow the two to come together, everyone – especially the viewer –benefits.

Because this was a somewhat more muted affair (because of its literal cancelation last year), there wasn’t much SGALGG. So here are just some of the most memorable bits – in no particular order because the show was three and a half hours long. That’s a lot to remember.

This is the start of the best later-in-life coming out lesbian rom-com in history.

This whole cast makes me smile and also – smash. Respectfully, because they’re educators, but definitely smash. (What? Like you don't have a thing for teachers, too.)

I’m mainly happy for the success of “House of the Dragon” because it means Emma D’Arcy can show up at award shows dressed like this.

This whole cast makes me smile, and also – smash. Sorry, not you Ke Huy Quan – but your Short Round was one of the first Asian character I saw I saw on screen growing up. So thank you for that.

Meg Stalter and Hannah Einbinder together is like seeing the members of a high school gay-straight alliance grow up and do well for themselves.

Angela Bassett and Rihanna together, I don’t have anything clever to say that’s just like seeing royalty or something (but not real royalty, because those Windsors as kinda the worst).

It’s still so perplexing to me that Natasha Lyonne isn’t gay. Like, still!

Niecy Nash and her wife Jessica Betts are always one of the very best dressed couples on the red carpet. Period.

Oh, Lydia Tar won. But didn’t attend. So in case you forgot what she looks like, here’s a current picture of Cate Blanchett. You’re welcome.

My Weekend (SGALGG/GGALGG) Crush

While watching the Emmys on Monday I had the strangest sensations. Great winner after winner was named: Sheryl Lee Ralph, Quinta Brunson, Jennifer Coolidge, Lizzo, Jean Smart. Did I just experience JOY from an award show? Granted, the telecast ended up fizzling toward the end and then limped to the finish. And, of course, as with any award show, there was plenty of SGALGG. There were also plenty of GGALGG, as is now also always refreshingly the case. So please enjoy these moments of JOY and ladies enjoying being in the presence of other ladies. Though, if seeing newly minted Emmy winners Jean Smart and Sheryl Lee Ralph SGALGGing together doesn’t make you happy, what could? Happy weekend, all.

Jean Smart & Everyone

I mean, who wouldn’t want a chance to hold Jean’s hand, like Marvelous Mrs. Maisel’s Rachel Brosnahan and Yellowjacket’s Tawny Cypress.

Or Maisel’s Alex Borstein and Yellowjackets co-stars Christina Ricci and Melanie Lynskey. Christina appears to also want a handful, and who can blame her.

Jean Smart & Hannah Einbinder

But no one called DIBS as hard as her “Hacks” co-star Hannah Einbinder. They already dream kissed in the show, so real life truly cannot be a stretch. (Yes, I know I know, very May-December.)

Quinta Brunson & Hannah Waddingham

Can Hannah resurrect her Shame Nun from Game of Thrones to shame Jimmy Kimmel for his disrespectful stunt during Quinta’s acceptance speech? Because, yeah.

Zendaya & HoYeon Jung

The future looks bright for young Hollywood. Now how about a “Squid Game” and “Euphoria” cross-over? I mean, the characters are all desperate and destructive in their own ways.

Lizzo & Zendaya

Joy. That’s all, just joy.

Christina Ricci & Reese Witherspoon

Are Christina’s Misty from “Yellowjackets” and Reese’s Tracy Flick from “Election” kind of spiritual twins? I mean, at least in the striving department. Possibly not the (possible) cannibalism. Also, props to Tawny for rooting for some good femslash between these two.

Sarah Paulson & Holland Taylor

Truly, no award show is complete without our royal lesbian couple gracing the red carpet, now with a new pert alternative lifestyle haircut to boot. Also, there arrival marks our official transition into GGALGG land.

Hannah Einbinder & Her Afterparty Suit

Did I mention she changed into this after the awards? Because, yes.

And it encouraged her to perhaps cheat, respectfully, on Jean. Just a little. But then if The Bear’s Ayo Edebiri wanted a bear bug, you’d give one too.

Ariana DeBose & Everyone

Not to be out-gayed, Ariana indeed had a gay old time at the Emmys. Like schmoozing with Amanda Seyfried.

Or canoodling with Tracie Thoms and Rosario Dawson in a mini “Rent” movie reunion.

And how about this epic kibitzing with none other than RuPaul across the aisle.

Finally, there’s this. Possibly the gayest thing to happen at the Emmys. Ariana. Bowen Yang. Kate McKinnon. Like the only way it could have been gayer is if Sarah and Holland photobombed them. Oh well, goals for next year.

Hack It Up

Since it’s Pride and we’re gay and we want to celebrate by watching gay stuff, here’s another suggestion. Have you checked out the second season of HBO Max’s “Hacks?” I mean, I’m assuming you already watched the first season because, come on, JEAN FREAKING SMART. The second season continues the show’s excellence, while leaning into its vulnerability and heart. Also, it’s a lot more gay.

That is to say out bi actor Hannah Einbinder’s out bi character Ava gets to smooch and flirt with ladies. And there are just more queer ladies, period. Did I mention there’s an episode set on a lesbian cruise with a cameo from Margaret Cho? Honestly, for parts of that episode you’ll think you’ve died and gone to lesbian heaven. The look on Ava’s face sure thought so too.

And, while some may say the show doesn’t have the hard, ugly edges needed to be great (though, come on, it is in no way bad), I think that’s bullshit. Things don’t need to hurt to be good. Indeed, one of the things I enjoy most about Hacks is its undercurrent of sweetness. Ava in particular in the new season is less of a jerk and more of a young person trying to find herself. We also aren’t given nearly enough shows about female mentorship and generational friendships that aren’t familial. (I mean, really, try to think of like two more shows with that kind of dynamic. I’m waiting.)

Truly, anything that gives us maximum Jean Smart and much more general gaiety is well worth the watch. Also, somebody give Ming-Na Wen her own show immediately because she was smoking this season. Smoking.

Hack It Up

Drinking*, dancing, dumpster diving and DIVAS! Yes, “Hacks” is coming back next month and did I mention you should 100% be watching “Hacks” if you haven’t been watching “Hacks?” The Jean Smartessaince continues with the second season of the Emmy winning comedy. Joining her will be her partners in comedy (and maybe crimes) is out bisexual actor Hannah Einbinder. We can only assume her character Ava will continue to be queer on screen. I mean, that tie sure makes me think so. More of that, show. *wolf whistles inappropriately* What? It’s a good show.

p.s. *It was missing the "D," which is something I never say.

SGALGG: Wannabe Queer Oscars 2022 Edition

So, fine, some straight people showed up at the Academy Awards, too. I guess. And they were perfectly lovely, for the most part. But, as always, how those Straight Gals love to act like Gay Gals when the fancy dresses (and suits) go on. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. And, yes, a few Queer Gals also slip back into this post. But, then, anyone who has ever been to a college party knows Straight Gals can flock to Gay Gals like moths to a flame when the mood strikes. Or so I’ve heard.

And, to be honest, who isn’t happy to see Sarah, Jean and Judith all together again? On y va!

Judith Smart & Judith Light

See, hanging out with Sara has made them want to SGALGG by themselves.

Rosario Dawson & Amu Schumer

Love means always having to share your jalapeno poppers.

Marlee Matlin & Penelope Cruz

Marlee’s clearly saying, “Don’t worry, Penelope. I was on The L Word, I know what to do.”

Billie Eilish & Megan Thee Stallion

Look, people will try to lick you if you wear a dress made out of Reese’s peanut butter cup wrappers.

Zendaya

I don’t even understand the physics of how she can look like this in that suit. But I kind of hope this signals the return of big shouldered 80s broads – in attitude if nothing else.

Nicole Kidman & Jessica Chastain

Getting a little handsy there, Nicole.

Nicole & Zoe Kravitz

Am I sensing a theme with Nic?

Nicole & Ariana DeBose

Theme confirmed.

Now, this part I call, Everybody Loves Ariana (Unlike Chris, ahem)

Ariana & Kirsten Dunst

It’s the intense hand-holding for me.

Ariana & Jessie Buckley

Using that fellow nominee status to sneak in a long embrace, I see.

Ariana & H.E.R.

Now, that would be a ridiculously talented couple.

Ariana & Rita Moreno

I mean, who am I to judge that May-December love?

Who You Calling Hacks?

How do you make “Hacks,” one of last year’s sharpest new comedies that has helped bring the much-deserved Jean Smart renaissance into full force, even better? Why add a host of extremely talented female guest stars, that’s how. Which guest stars? How about adding Laurie Metcalf (who was so so good in “Lady Bird”), Ming-Na Wen (who is Ming-Na freaking Wen, people) and Martha Kelly (who is in “Euphoria,” which I don’t watch because seeing teenagers make questionable life choices just isn’t my jam) as recurring guest stars for its second season. And how about announcing that Margaret Cho (THE Margaret Cho) will also guest star. That is how you do it, folks.

I’m excited to see where they take this smart, biting look at fame and ambition and women in the entertainment industry. I am also hoping they bring more of Hannah Einbinder’s real-life bisexuality into play in her also bi character Ava. Like that dream/nightmare sequence kiss between Ava and Jean’s Deborah Vance was nice and all. But let’s do some waking hours gay shit as well, show.

So, hopes for the new season? I bet Margaret will be playing herself, since the shot is set in the comedy world. Bring the funny, ladies. I have no doubt you will.