Oscar GGALGG(BBTWTTO)

So, let’s just be honest, those Oscars were pretty straight. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Kinda. But I’m pretty sure the live telecast featured zero – at least by my count – live lesbians. Yeah, sure, they featured Jane Lynch in a pre-recorded joke ad for the future YouTube Academy Awards (which is a real thing, by the way, hello 2029). And, OK, fine – Barbra Streisand showed up and sang. So there’s that. But I don’t think the camera ever panned to Oscar-nominated Tig Notaro once (admittedly, I could have missed a split-second shot, but I don’t think I did.) So I will rectify that by featuring the sapphics of the red carpet. So welcome to Gay Gals Acting Like Gay Gals By Bringing Their Wives to the Oscars (GGALGGBBTWTTO, duh)

Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne

So they didn’t take home the best doc Oscar for “Come See Me In the Good Light,” but what lesbian couple wants a shiny naked man in their bedroom anyway?

Brandi Carlile & Catherine Carlile

Brandi’s suit is very Captain von Trapp and I’m into it.

Abby Wambach & Glennon Doyle

I wish Abby had a tie, but bonus points for the pins. (And, of course, the bag.)

Robby Hoffman & Gabby Windey

Girls really do just love funny little guys*. (*As a Gen Xer, I reserve the right to use guys in a non-gendered way courtesy “The Electric Company” forever)

Sarah Paulson & Holland Taylor

Fine, they aren’t married that we know about. Which, come on Sarah, put a ring on that.

Auli'i Cravalho

Fine, I had to give you at least one single lady. Not that there aren’t legions of age-appropriate wlws clamouring to wife her up.

p.s. I was rooting for “Sinners,” and all I can say about “One Battle After Another” having a big night is that I’m very happy for Maya Rudloph. Oh, and I’m happy Sean Penn didn’t want to attend.

p.p.s. I thought the show was overall pretty good, Conan landed some magnificent hits, and Amy Madigan and Ed Harris are a reminder that straights can have good marriages too.

My Weekend (Lesbian Party Bus) Crush

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Ladies, gentlemen, thems and theys, we have a new “dance like nobody's watching”-goal to aspire to. Let us all enjoy this weekend like celesbians on a Lesbian Party Bus. Now, you may ask, what is a Lesbian Party Bus? Well, it’s a bus filled with famous lesbians, their significant others and closest friends. In short, it’s a Lesbian Party Bus. Thanks to an exhaustive and masterful display of journalisming over at Autostraddle, we know all of the LPB participants. A quick rundown includes celesbian couples Sarah Paulson & Holland Taylor, Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne, and Abby Wambach & Glennon Doyle. Also on board were Allison Janney, Carla Gallo, “The Fosters” alum Sherri Saum, “The Talk” co-host Amanda Kloots, director Lee Rose, and a coupla requisite dudes. Again, you can see how this wildly interesting pack is all connected here. But I just want to say if I every have the occasion to rent a party bus and pack it with a host of my most dear and talented friends, you’d better fucking believe we’re going to do a drunken singalong to “Closer to Fine.” This is perhaps the most relatable any celesbian has ever been. Party like you’re on the Lesbian Party Bus, kittens. Happy weekend, all.

Wedding of a Decade

Well, how about one last very good thing to end this very insane year? Just in time to become a contender for Lesbian Wedding of the Decade, USWNT stars Ali Krieger and Ashlyn Harris got married. The couple, who has been dating since the basically the start of the decade closed it out by making Krashlyn official. Of course, at the start of this decade they couldn’t have made it official, because same-sex couples weren’t able to legally marry. Now that’s progress. And their wedding was attended by a bunch of their out teammate and former teammates (Hey, Megan! Hey, Abby!), looking mighty gay. And that’s also progress. So, mazel tov to the happy couple.





p.s. Did I mention there was rainbow wedding cake? Because there was rainbow wedding cake.



p.p.s. Lesbian Wedding of the Decade, or Lesbian Royal Wedding of the Decade?

Oh, Well, Barbie Sucks Anyway

Well, never mind. Looks like they aren’t making that Lesbian Barbie after all. Mattel has been replying to fans inquiring about when they could buy an Abby Wambach Barbie by saying it isn’t going to be available for purchase. Instead they are saying it was a “a one-of-a-kind doll created for Abby.” Gee, I wonder if Abby knew that. Because she seemed pretty excited about the prospect of giving people who don’t think the current dolls reflect how they feel “another option.” I doubt she would have said that if she knew this was the only one just for her.

But, hey, that’s cool. I get it. So essentially Mattel wanted all the goodwill of introducing an Abby Wambach Barbie, without ever having to actually produce an Abby Wambach Barbie. Cool, cool. We don’t mind being used just for show. Please feel free to reap the benefits of seeming inclusive without actually being inclusive. We don’t mind one bit. Not one tiny little bit.

Yeah, fuck that noise. I knew there was a reason I was a Star Wars Action Figure girl instead. I knew it.

My Weekend Crush

Look, I was never a Barbie girl. Growing up I had exactly two – Malibu Barbie and Malibu Ken. How I ended up with the least clothed of all the Barbies is beyond me. So half of my playtime with them was spent fashioning clothing out of Kleenex and Scotch tape. Also, Jesus Christ, what the fuck was wrong with her feet? To be perfectly honest, I was a Star Wars action figure girl. And since Barbie towered over those guys, she only came in handy when they were under hostile attack from an Amazonian race.

Still none of my contrarian childhood playtime nostalgia in any way dampens my excitement about what’s happening right now with the plastic toymaker. Because right now there’s an Abby Wambach Barbie. Obviously, none of this negates the unrealistic expectations that decades of physically impossible body proportions have wreaked on girls and women as a whole. But for one of the most popular toy brands in the world to create a doll in the likeness of an out lesbian athlete with an obvious alternative lifestyle haircut? Come on, that’s a Big Fucking Deal, Joe Biden. So huzzah for the first out lesbian Barbie (I mean, we all had our suspicious about Skipper, but still).



Sadly, you probably won’t find Abby Wambach Barbie on store shelves near you soon. She appears to be part of the “Shero Collection,” which was first released last year and included Ava Duvernay, Emmy Rossum and Kristin Chenoweth dolls. While those dolls were sold commercially, it appears it was in rather limited number as part of their adult collectibles line. So whenever Abby does go on sale, you’d better get your gaymo Barbie quick.

As Abby helped introduce the doll earlier this week at the Makers conference, it was an unmistakably awesome moment for little girls who maybe didn’t quite fit into the standard Barbie mold. Like Abby said herself at the unveiling, “Maybe if our doll doesn’t look exactly as you feel, here is another option.” Another option, indeed. Happy weekend, all.

EDIT: Fuck, shit, damn. It looks like Mattel is NOT making the Abby Wambach Barbie available for purchase. It was a "one-of-a-kind" doll created just for Abby herself. Wow, so basically they just wanted the publicity of being gay-inclusive without actually being gay inclusive. NOT COOL.

Tank Top Tuesday: Technically Edition

Right, fine, so technically they aren’t all wearing tank tops in the above image. But I think, deep down, in spirit they are. Goodness, I had forgotten how much I loved seeing the ladies of the United States Women’s National Team all over the place. So consider this a little refresher for everyone. Plus, you know, who can resist a good tank top – even if only in spirit.

Beyoncé

Technically, this is a swimsuit. But, as I always say, a swimsuit is just a tank top that doesn’t know when to stop.

Alycia Debnam-Carey

Technically, this is a muscle shirt. But, girl, the boots more than make up for that.

Zoe Kravitz

Technically, this is a camisole. But, we all know, a camisole is just a tank top that wants to Netflix and chill.

Brandi Carlile

Technically, this is a vest. But, duh, that makes it even gayer.

Pink

Technically, this is just netting. But, please, like you’re complaining.

Winona Ryder

Technically, this is overalls. But, yeah, overalls.

Christine and the Queens

Technically, this is really a tank top. But, I told you, I am just really into her music right now.

My Weekend Crush

You guys, you guys – I know. But I just can’t help it. I am so in love with this team and this moment. Also, who knows if it’ll take another four years for America to pay this much attention to women’s sports again. So I’m going to drink in every single, delicious last drop of the U.S. Women’s National Team celebrating its World Cup win. At a ticker-tape parade in New York City. With Taylor Swift on stage. On Sports Center. Granted, that last one is just Megan Rapinoe being super excited about being gay. Hey, aren’t we all? Happy weekend, all.

Believe It, Baby

AMERICA! WOMEN! SPORTS! LESBIANS! WHOOOOO! Hot damn, that was something else. Like, really, something else. I won’t go into an extensive recap because if you cared you were watching. And if you don’t care, well, what is wrong with you? But, holy crap, that was pretty amazing. All I’ll say is I am very proud of this team and these athletes and women’s sports in general. Also, for gay ladies. But, you know, that goes without saying. And now, I’ll just let these glorious pictures of the United States Women’s National Team celebrating their World Cup win do all the talking. Well done, world. Congratulations, USA. Let’s do this all again in four years, eh?



p.s. Abby running over to kiss her wife Sarah in the stands after the game is now officially recognized in all 50 states.



p.p.s. The Eagle Fan, excuse me, SHEAGLE, was clearly the team’s secret weapon. Naturally, she plays for the LA Derby Dolls.

My Weekend Crush

Are you ready for some fooooootball? Damn, I enjoy watching women’s soccer. I particularly enjoy watching the Women’s World Cup because it’s got everything you could possibly want in good television. Action, comedy, drama, regret, determination, jubilation, anger, despair, elation and sometimes even a little blood. Fine, a lot of blood.

Given, as an American I’m particularly pleased with my home team. And it is Fourth of July Weekend. Finals on Sunday, baby. So in honor of the U.S. Women’s National Team’s accomplishments this World Cup, here is a tribute to everything that makes them great. OK, well perhaps not everything, but the things you lesbians care about the most. Happy weekend and go USA, all.

The Intensity:


Tobin Heath roars.


Carli Lloyd pumps.


Abby Wambach grits.


Yes, she’s problematic, but no one gives better bitch-get-away-from-my-goal face than Hope Solo.

The Hugs:


Baby Horse prances.


Meghan Klingenberg leaps.


Kelley O’Hara bounds.


Megan Rapinoe bear hugs.

The Lifts:


Tobin’s good lift.


Tobin’s bad lift.

The Thighs:


Ali Krieger, all day long.


Sydney Leroux, all night long.


Tobin, day and night.


Kelley, always.

The Hair Goals:


Megan….


Or Abby?

The abs:


Rapinoe-oh, damn, girl.

p.s. Just to get you extra pumped, here are Abby’s teammates impersonating her. USA! USA! USA!



p.p.s. Well done rest of the world, too, of course.