My Weekend Crush

I am almost at “Ocean’s 8” level excited for “The Spy Who Dumped Me.” (Now if they somehow managed to sneak Cate Blanchett into the movie, then I’d be a full 8 on the Excited Gay Lady scale.) Why the excitement you ask? Well, Kate McKinnon, Mila Kunis and Gillian Anderson certainly don’t hurt. As do Kate McKinnon in a tank top and suspenders. Kate McKinnon in a suit and tie. And Gillian Anderson, period.

Plus it has a female director and co-writer in Susanna Fogel. Now gay ladies might remember Susanna as the straight half of the gay lady/straight lady best friends comedy web series “Joni & Susanna” from about 10 years ago. Or, gay ladies will recognize her as the writer and director of “Life Partners,” the about gay lady/straight lady best friends.

But wait, before you can say, “Hey, that seems familiar,” consider the premise of “The Spy Who Dumped Me.” In it a straight lady played by Mila Kunis is dating a dude spy who dumps her so she goes to Europe with her sexually ambiguous BFF played by out actress Kate McKinnon who likes to wear tanks tops and suspenders and/or suits and ties to save the world. Now, I cannot confirm Kate’s character’s sexuality in the film. But The Advocate calls her “Your Lesbian BFF” in the movie. Sooooo.

Now, alas, Fogel told The Advocate that Kate’s character isn’t explicitly queer, but “it’s sort of obvious to most people that she’s not straight-identifying.” Granted, it is disappointing that she didn’t go ahead and make Kate’s BFF character gay. The “everyone knows it anyway, nudge-wink” gets a little old in light of the miniscule representation of LGBTQ people in mainstream films. Just say it. Own it. Embrace it.

I mean, Kate’s all but screaming it in the trailers. But then, I think her fangirl gushing is probably how any woman would respond to being in the presence of Gillian Anderson – lesbian, straight, bi, trans, whathaveyou. I mean, it’s Gillian Anderson as “the Beyoncé of the government.” Respect. Happy getting dumped by a spy weekend, all.

Tank Top Tuesday: See Kate Run Edition

Look, this movie may end up sucking. Maybe not. It’s hard to say. But, then, we know three things for sure. One, it stars Mila Kunis and Kate McKinnon. So, you know, that does not suck.



The other two things we know for 100 percent sure?

1) Kate McKinnon runs around in a tank top and suspenders


2) Kate McKinnon wears a suit and tie.


So, in conclusion, it doesn’t matter how good or bad this movie ultimately turns out to be. I will be seeing this movie. And, I am guessing, you might, too. I mentioned Kate McKinnon runs around in a tank top and suspenders, right?

All roads lead to lesbianism

While my Pride Month Lesbian Movie Rewind Experience 2013 has ended – finished it off with “Edie & Thea: A Very Long Engagement,” appropriately, last week. (You can stream it yourself on Netflix or Wolfe.) But the amusing discoveries from the LMRE 2013 continue. Like, did you know a lot of now-famous faces made some of their very first appearances in lesbian movies? Rewatching some of the recent (and less recent) lesbian cinema classics reveal some very special guest starts before they were very special. A sampling of leztastic cameos:

Emily VanCamp in “Lost & Delirious”

Before she sought her “Revenge,” Emily was Tori’s annoying sister, Allison, who really needs to learn how to knock first.

Jeffrey Tambor in “Desert Hearts”

Before he was the Bluth family patriarch on “Arrested Development,” Jeffrey worked at the ranch Prof. Vivian Bell came to stay during her quickie divorce.

Dale Dickey in “The Incredibly True Adventures of 2 Girls in Love”

Before she was the wolfie grandma of Alcide’s new pack on “True Blood,” Dale was Randy Dean’s coworker at the gas station.

Benedict Cumberbatch in “Tipping the Velvet”

Before he was the all-knowing, all-deducing Sherlock Holmes, Benedict wasn’t able to see or deduce that his so-called girlfriend Nan Austin was a total lezzer.

Rashida Jones in “If These Walls Could Talk 2”

Before she was beautiful tropical fish Ann Perkins on “Parks & Recreation,” Rashida was one of the “unnamed angry feminists” who didn’t want the lesbians to mess up their fight for women’s rights.

Christopher Meloni in “Bound”

Before he was Det. Stabler on “Law & Order,” Chris was the dim-witted son of the mob boss.

Mila Kunis in “Gia

Before she was the imaginary “Black Swan,” Mila was a young Angelina.

Idina Menzel in “Kissing Jessica Stein”

Before she was “Wicked,” Idina was an overly happy bridesmaid.

See all roads (to fame) really do lead back to lesbianism.

A Mila first dates

A reminder on this Monday to always reach for the stars. And by stars I mean actual movie stars. And by actual movie stars I mean Mila Kunis. Like, on this Monday you should ask Mila Kunis out on a date. Why, because everyone is doing it. Marines, awkward British interviewers and this lesbian film student who wants to ply her with Blue Moon and then dance her final cotillion away in her arms. Wait, colleges still have dances? Anyway, point being. Go for it, lesbians. Chase your dreams. Just stay away from Tina Fey because she is, as always, mine.

p.s. In case you missed it, here is the video that helped to make Mila everyone’s second-favorite movie star BFF behind Jennifer Lawrence.

Tank Top Tuesday: Global Warming Edition

It’s been an unusually warm winter out here in California. Granted, it’s California. So it’s always going to be warmer in the winter than, say, Minnesota. But still, even for the Golden State it’s a little nuts. Especially up here in Northern California. I mean, it’s supposed to hit the 70s this week. It’s still February, right? I know this should probably be wringing my hands about global warming and our carbon emissions. And – don’t worry, Al Gore – I totally do. But I’m also a tiny bit selfishly grateful for our depleted ozone layer. Because it means ladies are going to break out the tank tops that much faster. Hey, don’t judge me. I recycle.

Troian Bellisario

I’m so behind on my “Pretty Little Liars.” Is Spencer gay yet? Because she should be.

Lena HeadeyRemember when Lena was on that show about robots from the future and she ran around in a lot of tank tops. Yeah, me too.

Olivia WildeRemember when Olivia was on that show about teenagers from The O.C. and she made out with Mischa Barton? Yeah, me too.

Maria BelloOh, “Prime Suspect,” you could have been so damn good.

Halle BerryIt’s been 10 years since she won her Oscar. I know, that is blowing my mind too.

Mila KunisMore movies where you make out with Natalie Portman. Less movies where you make out with Justin Tumberlake. Oh, and don’t even consider making out with Ashton Kutcher again, honey.

Charlize TheronEvery time I see her in a tank top I think, “You know what, $140,000 for a kiss might even be a little low.”

Michelle RodriguezIf I had a dollar for each time Michelle gave a camera this look I’d be able to buy everyone of you a tank top, and then some.

Hope Solo

OK, OK – this isn’t “technically” a tank top. But it sure makes me appreciate warm weather. Also sweat. Also abs. Mmmm, abs.

Right, so maybe our carbon footprint isn’t looking so great. But until the rising oceans swallow all the land, I’m going to enjoy this silver lining while I can.

Buddy can you spare a fuck

So, say you’re the star of one of the most critically acclaimed films of the year. Say it has already garnered a slew of awards and nominations. Say it is on the short list for Oscars as well. How best would you follow up said stint in the limelight? A) By taking your time and selecting a worthy follow-up film of equal prestige? Or B) By signing on to a fuck buddy movie with some goofy male co-star and dropping trou repeatedly? If you chose B, you are Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis.

Yes, somehow the actresses filmed rival fuck buddy movies (and they say romance is dead) as their follow ups. Both have blandly generic idioms for titles: “No Strings Attached!” “Friends with Benefits!” Both have mildy annoying, definitely smug male co-stars: Ashton Kutcher! Justin Timberlake! Both have released sexy Red Band trailers to entice the horny masses: Natalie Portman naked! Mila Kunis naked! Ugh, ladies, really?

Look, I know lame rom-coms are a rite of passage in almost any young actresses’ life. I know they’ve run out of “meet cute” ideas. So now they’ve move on to “Already met, let’s fuck.” But how is it that both actresses from “Black Swan” are now in dueling movies with the exact same concept? So now the only question remains, which one looks better? The answer is probably dependent on which male co-star you find less irritating. But as always, in the interest of science, I think we should examine the evidence. To the videotape!

No String Attached


Friends with Benefits

Gosh, will they end up falling in love and having more than just sex? I can’t see that coming at all, in either movie, at all.

You know what, I take it all back. These movies don’t look bad and clichéd at all. In fact, they’re brilliant, but with one minor tweak. Drop Ashton and Justin and just put Natalie and Mila together. Call it “No Strings with Benefits” and have them be two lifelong friends who decide to start having sex instead. We already know they look amazing together. Are you listening, Hollywood? Now that, that is box office gold. GOLD.

Swan Dive

The line between awestruck appreciation and smutty sensationalism is lovingly straddled here at Surrenders. I will freely admit to giving in to my weaker (boobs) impulses (tank tops) sometimes (usually on Tuesdays). So today, I had a bit of an internal struggle about whether or not to post this. You see, it is most definitely smutty, but it’s also pretty fucking sensational. It’s the sex scene between Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis from “Black Swan” that leaked onto the internet earlier this week. But it’s also Christmas. And at Christmas you tell the truth. The truth is this is just too hot not to post.

Though here is the thing, if you plan to see the movie you shouldn’t watch. No, really, you should watch it in the theater. In context, it’s even better. In context, it’s a revelation. In context, it’s not just two incredibly hot actresses going down for a little stimulating simulated sexytime. Context is everything. Of course, the urge to click play is probably irresistible and you won’t listen and you’ll watch and rewatch and rewatch. Honey, I do not blame you one bit. I’ll take my ladies loving – and other things that start with an “L” – on other ladies wherever I can get it. But you’re doing yourself a disservice and you’ve been warned. Don’t worry, I also realize how incredibly mean it is of me to post something and then tell you not to watch it. What can I say, sometimes I suck.

Though if you were somehow still on the fence about seeing “Black Swan,” perhaps this clip will be the one to, shall we say, sway you. I saw the film again last night and can attest to its continued magnificence and madness the second time around. The second time around, you can really enjoy its masterful claustrophobia and punishing perfectionism. And, yes, you can really, really enjoy each and every delicious moment of stimulating simulated sexytime – oral or otherwise. Though, the film is so much more than those two minutes in heaven (see, the conflicted thing again). The sex isn’t even really about the sex – it’s about control and release, passion and paranoia, unrealized longings and unexplored selves. The movie is a grand temple to the elegant, invigorating pursuit of art at any cost. Yes, fine, OK – it’s also hot. Right, at this point you’re probably thinking, “Jesus, Snarker – shut the fuck up so we can click play already.” Which I will now do. Hope it’s as good for you as it was for me.

[I would hope it’s already explicitly implied, but NSFW]

My Weekend Crush

I’ve already crushed all over Natalie Portman with her timeless beauty and regal elegance. Her performance in “Black Swan” is sublime, otherworldly, mesmerizing. But most of us already knew she was good. But after walking out of “Black Swan” (which opens wider this weekend and you should go see it immediately), you’ll probably come away with a new appreciation for Mila Kunis. Flat out, that girl is sexy. Like really, totally, super-duper, hot-diggity, not-kidding-around sexy. I’m not sure if I’m getting my point across well enough here. The girl is sexy.

Now I hadn’t thought much of Mila when she was on “That 70s Show.” I caught enough of her on the show to know she was a) cute and b) annoying. But in “Black Swan” she is something else entirely – carnal. If that sounds dirty, then good because I mean it in the most visceral way possible. In “Black Swan,” Mila is all loose limbs and smoky eyes. You could see why Natalie’s tightly wound Nina would be equally threatened and attracted to Mila’s effortlessly uninhibited Lily. And, trust me, even if nothing I’ve said here convinces you of Mila’s sexy, just wait until you get to that scene. If The Gay really was something that we could convert people to, Mila would be able to build a house out of the complimentary toaster ovens sent to her by grateful new recruits. Yeah, that sexy. Happy weekend, all.

Black magic woman

Perfection is madness. It is a never-ending, all-consuming, ultimately unattainable quest. So then to single-mindedly strive for it is, in itself, a form of insanity. And it is that madness at the center of “Black Swan.”

The film is a thing of horrifying beauty, a gorgeous nightmare set in the world of elite ballet where grace is only achieved through years of punishment. That unforgiving world is Nina Sayers’ whole life. Played in a virtuoso performance by Natalie Portman, Nina is a technically brilliant but emotionally stilted dancer with the New York ballet company who dreams of leaving the corps and becoming the prima ballerina. She gets her shot when the arrogant artistic director decides to put on a reimagined production of “Swan Lake.”

And that is when things start to get freaky. The story is a story within a story. Everything, it seems, has a mirror image. The ballet company is performing “Swan Lake,” about a good swan and her evil twin. Nina looks remarkably like the new ballerina in the corps, Lily (played with irresistible smolder by Mila Kunis), who is also her understudy. And like in “Swan Lake” where the Swan Queen is rivaled by the Black Swan, uptight Nina feels threatened by seductive Lily.

Nina is sheltered in every way – she is a slip of a woman who still lives with her overbearing, stifling mother (played with creepy abandon by Barbara Hershey) and gets tucked in to bed every night in her pink childhood room surrounded by overstuffed teddy bears. Their relationship is the very definition of toxic, and not in the fun, dance-club Britney Spears way.

It’s hard to overstate how beautiful and how powerful Natalie is in this role. Some actors inhabit their parts, she shrinks into hers – both literally and figuratively. She does most of her own dancing and much has already been made of the months of rigorous training and strict diet she underwent to prepare to become this tiny dancer. Her Nina is brittle, driven, timid and obsessed. She is transcendent and terrifying and you can’t take your eyes off her magnificent face – nor can the camera. If Natalie isn’t a lock for the Oscar, she will certainly be in a caged death match with Annette Bening for the trophy come February.

In a way, “Black Swan” is the perfect female companion piece to director Darren Aronofsky’s last picture, “The Wrestler.” Both are about bone-crushing physicality and living solely for one’s art. But “Black Swan” takes the fetishism of ritual, discipline and pain to new heights. Nails split, toes crack – even a hangnail is not just a hangnail.

What is real, what isn’t real, what is a phantasmagorical paranoid lesbian fever dream? The experience is intense and trippy and gory and sexy and crazy and beautiful and painful, all at once. But mostly, just really fucking intense.

Things become unhinged in the best possible way. The movie is grandiose and overblown, preposterous and campy. Parts are even a little cliché. But it’s those very imperfections that make “Black Swan” so viscerally exciting. Like a dancer spinning precariously on point, the movie teeters on the edge of disaster.

But let’s get to why you’re really here. How was the sex between Natalie and Mila? Short version: Hot. Long version: Really hot. Seriously, even if the film wasn’t great – which is it – that scene alone is worth the ticket. Once this comes out on DVD I predict much rewinding, so much so that there might be a slight skip at one particular point on the disc. Have I mentioned that it’s hot?

Taut, claustrophobic, intimate, alive, the film crackles with manic energy. This is a movie that reminds me why I love the movies. To sit in the dark for two hours and become completely absorbed by a story is a sort of black magic. And when the spell is cast as bewitchingly as it is in “Black Swan,” you’re more than happy to fall under its exquisite madness.

UPDATE: To see when “Black Swan” is coming to a theater near you, check out the upcoming rollout dates. Then go see for yourself how everything is terrifyingly beautiful at the ballet.

Damn, Natalie, you a crazy chick

Full Disclosure: I’m writing about “Black Swan” on AfterEllen today, too. So I apologize for not giving you a full complement of different topics to read about today (and yesterday – seems I’m on bit of a double-dipping jag). But (and the interesting stuff if always after the but) in this post I get to curse and talk more about the naughty and plain old batshit crazy parts of the trailer. In other words, pull up a chair, darling.

Right, first things first, watch this thing. If you know nothing, the 10-second set up is that Natalie Portman plays a ballerina with the New York City Ballet who finally gets her shot at the prime role in “Swan Lake,” only to have newcomer Mila Kunis rival her.

Holy fucking shit, right? I am freaked out, I am turned on, I am buying a ticket.

Now much has been made of the kiss (and sex scene), Natalie and Mila have in the film. Someone who read an early script called it “hungry aggressive angry sex.” Natalie called it “extreme.” Mila called it “not smut.” I was a little wary of it before (especially because it is rumored to be ecstasy induced), but now that I’ve seen the kiss I am all aboard the hate sex train.

Speaking of sex, what exactly is happening here? OK, I know what’s happening here. But, still, dayum.

And then we have Mila letting her fingers do the walking. I like this girl already.

If nothing else, you have to be impressed by Natalie’s many faces of horror. I mean, she even pulls an Edvard Munch.

Everything is most definitely not beautiful at the ballet.

Black market

So by now you may have already heard that Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis are going to be in a movie together. You may have already heard that Natalie and Mila play ballerinas. And you may have already heard that Natalie and Mila have sex. OK, OK – at this point those of you who had not heard any of the aforementioned news probably have some questions, several even. Let’s back up. There is this script for a movie being made and, as can happen in this day and age, the script has leaked and, as always happens in this day and age, someone has posted their thoughts about it on the internet.

The movie, “Black Swan,” revolves around Nina (Natalie), a talented dancer in the New York City Ballet who is being primed for the lead role of the Swan Queen in “Swan Lake,” now that the company’s prima ballerina is retiring. But the company director doubts that she has a dark enough side to be able to play both the white and black swans that the role demands. So as she searches for her dark side she keeps seeing Lily (Mila), a girl who at times looks just like her but acts the exact opposite of her. Is it all in her head? Have I mentioned the director is Darren Aronofsky, the man behind “Requiem for a Dream,” “The Fountain,” “The Wrestler” and married to Rachel Weisz – lucky bastard.

Right, so at this point you’re thinking, “Jesus, Snarker. Like 200 fucking words have passed since you said “Natalie” and “Mila” and “sex” in the same sentence. Stop leaving me hanging!” This is what I know about the sex:

It’s “not just nice sweet innocent sex either. We're talking ecstasy-induced hungry aggressive angry sex.”

Has your brain stopped working altogether? Are you painting a “hungry, aggressive, angry” mental picture? Yeah – I did, too. But, and bloody hell there is always a but, once my brain started working again I started to wonder.

Particularly, I’m wondering about the “ecstasy-induced” part. Far be it for me to denigrate a good lesbian sex scene. There are so few of them we pretty much will take whatever we can get. But, once again, my joy at the joy of two women together is tempered by the fact that it is chemically enhanced. It’s the cinematic cousin to every drunken sorority girls’ hook up filmed for the fraternity boys’ enjoyment. And that is in no way good lesbian sex.

Also (more, and more disturbing, spoilers ahead) there is a rape scene in the film involving Nina and the company director. That is definitely not something I am excited about seeing, or want to see at all.

Of course, none of this means I think this is or will be a bad movie. In fact, given the talent in front of and behind the camera, it sounds like it might be a very good movie. But context being what it is, the coupling doesn’t bring the same salacious anticipation I had at first.

And then, well, then there’s the other part of my brain that is screaming, “Shut up, you damn nerd. Natalie and Mila are going to be naked. Together. What is wrong with you?” Good question.