Tank Top Tuesday

With the embers of the American economy still smoldering at our feet, I think it's time for a little distraction. And what could be more distracting than beautiful women in tank tops? Never mind that Rome is burning, bring on the bread and circuses! I mean, you can't sob uncontrollably at your 401K statement all the time, right? Though – pssst – I've got a hot tip for investors looking for a sure thing during these terribly troubled times. Booze, buy stock in booze. Surely if there is one thing the entire country can agree on right now it's that we all need a drink. So please raise a glass to the lovely ladies of the fall television season. I've rounded up all the new tank-topped promo shots I could find. May they temporarily make you forget that our entire financial system may seize up and die at any moment. Shoot, who cares if the economy is in the tank when you can look at women in tanks? And if all else fails, barkeep, another round on me. And keep 'em coming.

Sarah Shahi, “Life”I still miss Carmen. Luckily, I don't have to miss her tank tops.

Eliza Dushku, “Dollhouse”Never mind the shut downs. In Joss we trust.

Evangeline Lilly, “Lost”Deserted islands don't seem like such a terrible option right now.

Elizabeth Mitchell, “Lost”p.s. Plus who knew they had such a wide tank top selection?

Jessalyn Gilsig & Hayden Panettiere, “Heroes”Looks like Take Your Daughter to Tank Top Day is in full swing.

Natascha McElhone, “Californication”Hank Moody is an idiot.

Michaela Conlin, “Bones”I can't wait to meet Roxie.

Elizabeth Reaser, “The Ex-List”Statistically, at least one of those exes has to be female, right?

Eva La Rue, “CSI: Miami”I hardly recognize her not inexplicably bathed in orange light.

Nadine Velazquez, “My Name is Earl”This isn't technically a tank top. But, look, midriff.

Summer Glau, “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles”TV show titles shouldn't have colons. There, I've said it.

Lena Headey, “T:SCC”p.s Abbreviating it doesn't make the colon any less odious.

Olivia Wilde, “House”A pocket tank? That's officially the gayest thing I've ever seen.

Once more, with feeling

Gosh, I know I said I wasn't going to write about our wacky Na-kook of the North of a vice presidential candidate anymore, but I simply couldn't resist the return of Tina Fey as Sarah Palin on this weekend's “Saturday Night Live.” The really funny (and by funny I mean sad) thing about Tina's reappearance as Republican vice presidential nominee is how close it actually is to the real thing. In fact, it's so close, Tina probably could have just read Palin's answers verbatim from her interview last week with Katie Couric and have elicited the same, and perhaps even bigger, laughs. She is truly a Not Ready for Primetime Player.

Tina on Palin:


Palin on Alaska:


Palin on the bailout:


Palin on deregulation:


I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Probably both. One heartbeat away, people. One. Heartbeat. Away. ... Shudder. As Tina said last week at the Emmy Awards:

“I want to be done playing this lady Nov. 5. So if anybody can help me be done playing this lady Nov. 5, that would be good for me.”

Amen, sister. Amen.

And the winners are...

Thanks to all who entered for the giveaways of Bryn Christopher's EP. And if you watched the premiere of “Grey's Anatomy” you know I wasn't lying about the fast-forwarding stuff. Though Yang getting impaled by the icicle totally made me stop and press rewind. But, without further adoing, the winners are:

kennedyismyhero
The Red Hot Paprika
Sarah in Chicago
chapin
byrneme

All winners were picked with the help of a random number generator doohickey (yes, that's the technical term). Thanks again to everyone who entered and stay on the lookout. Who knows when more goodies will fall into my lap.

My Weekend Crush

While she doesn’t make me want to, say, strangle an unsuspecting mountain ox with my bare hands, Olivia Wilde is all kinds of sexy. In fact, she is almost too sexy. And, as long as we’re being perfectly honest, she was the wrong kind of sexy for me as a blonde. Not that there is anything wrong with blondes. Far from it. Still Olivia, with her alpine bone structure and expertly arched eyebrows, was just too perfect as a blonde. Like fresh from the pages of FHM perfect. And that's not my kind of perfect. But as a brunette, woo doggy, now we’re talking. Though I guess dark hair and blue eyes have always been a weakness of mine. I blame Wonder Woman Lynda Carter. It helps, too, in Olivia’s case that she has played gay for our pleasure not once but twice. First as Alex on “The O.C.” and now as Thirteen on “House.” It is as the enigmatic Thirteen where I really noticed Olivia as more than just a pretty face. Beautiful. Mysterious. Bisexual. Damaged. Come to mama. On second thought, maybe that mountain ox should be worried after all. Happy weekend, all.

Grey zone

Ladies (and discerning gentlemen), I have seen The Scene in tonight's “Grey's Anatomy” premiere. You know, The Scene called “awesome, awkward, totally endearing” between Callie and Erica. [Note: This would be your spoiler warning. Shoo, shoo!]

For those who plan to fast forward to the good parts, you're going to have to fast forward for quite a long time. There are a couple of cute, quick non-addressing the issue scenes early on. Then one subtexty, quick non-addressing the issue scene in the middle. And then you'll need to skip to the last eight minutes of the whole two-hour show to get to the good stuff. But when you get there, it is indeed “awkward” and “endearing.” I'm going to reserve “awesome” for now, just because my definition of awesome usually involves kissing. It also lasts longer. The Scene in question is only about a minute and a half.

But in that 90 seconds you get to hear them say “the experiment was kind of a success,” “I've never done this before,” “this kinda makes us virgins” and “we can be scared together.” You also get to see them make faces like this:

See what I meant about endearing?

You'll just have to watch for the rest. But until then, please enjoy something that really is awesome. The kind of awesome that sustained Callica fans through the long, hot summer. The kiss:

p.s. By the way, the scorching soundtrack to their kiss in last season's finale is “The Quest” by Bryn Christopher. If you like what you hear, I have five digital EPs of his to give away. If you want one, leave your email in the comments (feel free to spell it out to foil spammers). Enter until midnight tonight. I'll pick five at random and let you know the winners Monday.

UPDATE I: Thanks for entering. See the winners here.

UPDATE II: Look, ma, no fast-forwarding. [Hat tip, Debbie!]

Just another happy couple

So Lindsay Lohan is gay. And so is Clay Aiken. That sound you're hearing is the universe letting out a collective “Duh!” But, then, this week's admissions – both casual and on covers – is another reminder of the power that those words still have. Sure, we all knew. Heck, I'm sure most of our grandmas knew. But once you say those words out loud, it takes away the whispers. It takes away the alleged. It takes away all that is seemingly suspect. It's just fact now, just life, and life goes on.

Admittedly, Lindsay's coming out process has been the most fascinating to watch. Having one of America's hottest starlets potentially be part of a lesbian relationship was like fresh carrion to the gossip vultures. But that's not what made it fascinating. Nor was it because of her status among the paparazzi princesses who crashed and burned to a chorus of flashbulbs. No, what made it fascinating is that her experience seems to mirror that of so many young gay or questioning women today.

Lindsay found someone she liked. That someone happened to be a girl. So they started hanging out together and going everywhere together. And soon they were just together. And they never hid it. Sure, they never confirmed it until this week either. But there they were shopping together and traveling together and attending parties together and working together. They held hands. They cuddled. They kissed. They were out without being out.

Then earlier this week while calling into Loveline to talk about their friend DJ AM's plane crash, they finally confirmed what all our eyes already saw:

DJ: Now, you guys, you and Samantha have been going out for how long now?
Lindsay: (laughter)
DJ: Like two years? One year? Five months? Two months?
Lindsay: A long...a very long time.
DJ: Well good, well I hope you guys stay together. You are a very lovely looking couple.
Lindsay: Thank you very much.

I haven't always been a fan of Lindsay's. Actually, I was a fan of hers before I wasn't a fan of hers (call it my inner John Kerry). While I'll never support the vapid excess that led to her reckless behavior, I'll be the first to applaud her for pulling herself together and not squandering her talent. And talent she has, the real deal. Just re-watch “Mean Girls,” trust me. So it's unfair to lump her in with the famous for being famous Paris-Kim-Nicole set.

Yet with that simple confirmation Lindsay has hopefully forever closed the door on the last bit of so-called salaciousness in her life. It's only fun to gossip about rumors. Facts, well, they take all the naughtiness out of the equation. Ellen and Portia go to the supermarket and the movies and the car wash together all the time. But while the paparazzi still follow them, you don't see them splashed across on the gossip sites every day. They're old news – just another boring happy couple. And, now, maybe Lindsay and Samantha are one, too. Gosh, wouldn't that be refreshing.

From L to X

Dear Mama Chaiken,

Sometimes, when you get it right you get it so right. Sure I've bitched. Sure I've moaned (both the good and bad kinds, ahem). But today when I read, straight from Xena's chakram, that none other than Lucy Lawless was going to make an appearance on the final season of “The L Word” I almost forgave you for all your transgressions. (Well, not Dana, I'll never forgive you for Dana. Or the floating words. Or the inexplicable character personality whiplash between seasons...wait, wasn't I forgiving you?)

But, hello, inspired casting. To have Xena and Bette on the same show? Now that's an Alpha Lesbian pairing for the ages. I mean it, that might almost be too much for our little gay brains to compute. You might hear heads exploding all across the globe. Talk about la mort heureuse.

Sure, we don't know the specifics yet. Lucy just told us to look for her “on The L Word at some point.” But she couldn't tell us anything about it because “it's deep in the closet.” That wording has to be ironic. Look, I'll tell you right now that Lucy and Jennifer Beals better share some screen time. That's just mandatory. In fact, she better meet and mingle with the entire cast. And, as a special favor, can you have her bring the breast plate? What? I had to ask.

So, many thanks for spreading lesbionic joy among the masses. And, just in case you still have a guest spot left for yet another dykon next season, might I suggest – oh, dream of dreams – Jodie Foster. Heck, if you can get Jodie I'll even forgive you for the Dana thing. Think about it.

With love (and sometimes hate),
Ms. Snarker

p.s. While I'm a tad miffed you didn't tell me this gaytastic news in person, a big Warrior Princess sword tip to The Gentleman for relaying it instead.

Emmys on the Rocks

What do you call five Emmy hosts and not one single laugh? The first eight minutes of last night's Emmy Awards telecast. And when I say not one single laugh, I mean the sound you'd hear in a black hole. And it got a whole lot worse before it got a whole lot better. And, when I say a whole lot better, I mean Tina Fey. Once, twice, three times a Tina Fey. What? You thought I'd miss an opportunity to rave about my gal? Again? Sheesh, it's like you don't even know me at all. But more on her later.

The Emmys are, at best, Oscar's less flashy younger sister. At worst they're the wicked stepsister Oscar can't uninvite from Thanksgiving dinner. Last night's show started out in stepsister territory and was only saved from a permanent banishment from all future family gatherings by some deserving winners. No, I'm not talking automatic-for-the-Emmy winners like Jeremy Piven (third consecutive, really? Though his zing on the uber-lame Emmy opening bit redeemed him a tad). Speaking of the five-headed hosting monster of Bergeron-Klum-Mandel-Probst-Seacrest, I've seen more chemistry in a bag of Pop Rocks.

And while I'm on the topic, whoever had the bright idea to have two men literally rip the clothes off of Heidi Klum should be fired. No, wait, they should first be paraded into a public square and have their clothes ripped off. Then they should be fired. I'd expect some terrible, not to mention terribly sexist (the real kind, not the Palin variety), stunt on “Who Wants to Marry America's Most Eligible Pirate Whisperer,” but never on a show that is actually supposed to award excellence.

Now I will try to forget the night's copious blerg-worthy bits and only think the happy thoughts the night's most deserving winners gave me. A salute to the people who made losing those three hours of my life called the Emmy Awards seem almost worth it.

Glenn Close: Best Actress in a Drama

“We're proving that complicated, powerful, mature women are sexy in high entertainment and can carry a show. I call us the sisterhood of the TV drama divas.” Darn tooting!

Sandra Oh: Emmy Presenter/Nominee

“My parents couldn't be prouder, unless I actually was a doctor.” Oh, Sandra, please don't let that stop you from playing naughty doctor with me whenever you want.

Laura Linney: Best Actress in a Miniseries/Movie

The woman who played Abigail Adams thanks all the “community organizers who helped form our country.” Yes, she can...go there. p.s. Is it just me or does Laura totally look like Laurel Holloman's long-lost sister here?

Stephen Colbert: Outstanding Writing for a Variety/Music/Comedy Program

His bit equating McCain with prunes later in the night was great, but what was best was watching a truly humbled and honored Colbert accept the trophy. Person/character, character/person. Now I can't wait to see the character crow about it next week.

Tina Fey: Queen of Fucking Everything
(Best Comedy Writing, Actress, Series)

Oh, kittens. From her proclamation of “Oh, nerds” when she won her first award of the night (for writing) to her thanking of her parents for “raising me to have confidence that is disproportionate with my looks and abilities. Well done. That is what all parents should do” (while winning for acting) and her recitation of all the places online and TV you can watch “30 Rock” (watch, dammit, watch!) she alone made those three hours of my life worth it. Plus, did you see her holding hands with Amy Poehler when she came on to present? Commence femslash in 5-4-3-2-1...

[Click any to enlarge, especially that last one.]

p.s. I cannot possibly overemphasize how much the show (minus its winners) both sucked and blew. Wretched, utterly wretched.

My Weekend Crush

It's been an auspicious week for lesbians on the butcher side of the spectrum. First Ellen DeGeneres gets her easy, breezy on as the new face of CoverGirl. And then Rachel Maddow does the seemingly impossible. She beat her MSNBC cohort, series lead-in and perennial ratings king Keith Olbermann in only her second week on the air. On Tuesday, Maddow's show scored 1.8 million total viewers to Olbermann's 1.6 million. She also got 25,000 more of the much-coveted (by advertisers, anyway) 25-54 demographic. How much do you want to bet 24,999 of those 25-54 year olds were lesbians harboring serious crushes?

After only a fortnight of holding court, the former Rhodes Scholar is already a force to be reckoned with in the political landscape. While she is unabashedly liberal, she isn't blindly partisan. Talking points are the anathema of her show. Her winning mix of unstoppable smarts, persuasive passion, hilarious incredulity and adorable dorkiness make her any thinking gal's dream date. But what really makes her so good is that she cares. She cares deeply about politics. She cares about who is telling the truth. She cares about who is lying. She cares about what works. She cares about what doesn't work. She cares because she knows that political decisions matter in people's personal lives. Some line-item in a 200-page bill could actually means something in your everyday life. It could mean you finally get health care to cover your child. It could mean your company gets a tax break to ship your job overseas. It could mean that your government can deny you even the most basic protections simply because the person you love happens to be of the same sex.

Lots of people hate politicians, and with good reason. But politics doesn't have to be about strife and division. It should be about working together to find ways to make sure our government truly work for the people it represents. Rachel knows that. And that's why she cares. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. Damn, how sexy is that smarty?

Grey’s gays

I've already admitted that I don't watch “Grey's Anatomy.” It's too “look at my navel, isn't it's fascinating” for my taste. But even I can't help but get excited at the prospect of the return of Callie and Erica in one week. An actual female gay couple on scripted broadcast television? And neither one is pregnant? (Oh, yeah, Shonda Rhimes kiboshed that speculation, hallelujah!) Now, all you Callica fans can finally see the real thing after months and months of tiding yourself over with fanfic. So, what will the new season hold for TV's favorite (read: only) female doctor couple?

According to The Ausiello Files, fans will have to wait to the end of next Thursday's season premiere for the good stuff. But when it comes, it could be very good indeed. He reports:

“There's an awesome, awkward, totally endearing scene between the two of them at the end of the premiere. Sara Ramirez, in particular, is just fantastic.”

Awesome? Awkward? Endearing? That sounds like my first lesbian kiss, but you'd also have to add “Clumsy” to my list of adjectives. And, is it just me, or does Sara Ramirez look a little extra gay in this still from the first episode?

[Click to examine for gayness]

Though, seriously ABC, could you have possibly seated Sara and Brooke Smith further apart in this promo shot? Sheesh, why not ship one of them to Siberia, it would be closer.

In other news, Ausiello hints that the Callica love train may not be the only Sapphic action at Seattle Grace this season. Could it be that the the new female intern (Janina Gavankar, but she'll always be Papi to you and me) is also bisexual? Again, he reports:

“Meanwhile, looking ahead, there's buzz that Callica may not be the only members of Seattle Grace's rapidly expanding LGBT community. Although I haven't been able to confirm this, there's a rumor going around that when the casting call for the new female intern went out last month, interested parties were told they had to be comfortable making out with both men and women. Coincidence then that the actress who got the role hails from The L Word? Only time will tell!”

While it's a tad obvious to go with an L Word actress for the role, I'm always happy to see more of The Gay on the old idiot box. Imagine that, three gay woman on one show. What a concept. Damn, I may actually have to start watching, navel lint and all.

Easy, breezy, lesbian...

With all this ridiculous talk about lipstick in the national discourse it took a lesbian, and the Chapstick one at that, to put it all into perspective. Ellen DeGeneres has officially confirmed rumors from last week that she was the new face of CoverGirl. I am going to allow the full implications of this to sink in while I enjoy a refreshing beverage. Hey, I say it's never too late/early/in between for a nice vodka tonic with a twist of lime. Mmm, refreshing. So, have you had a chance to give this news a good pondering? If so you, like me, should be reveling in the fact that an openly gay and relatively butch woman has been picked by one of the nation's top cosmetics companies to be its new face of beauty. You've come a long way, lesbo.

Ellen revealed the news on her talk show yesterday. She struck some faux supermodel poses (what, no Blue Steel?) and then showed a behind the scenes photo of her “hours and hours” of lip liner application. Her campaign starts in January and already CoverGirl is promoting Ellen for having “smarts, confidence and a beauty that flows from the inside out.” Regardless of how you feel about makeup (I hardly touch the stuff), it's a step in the right direction for someone like Ellen to be the next CoverGirl. So, in honor of her historic spokeswomanship, let's all be lipstick lesbians today – if only in spirit. If we can explode the myths about lesbian femininity and redefine traditional beauty norms, can the total eradication of the mullet be far behind? We can only pray. And until then, is my lipstick on straight? Wait, wrong word.

Breaking news

So, yesterday, while scanning the “Top News” from the Associated Press on my cellphone, I came across something that simply did not belong. See if you can spot it for yourself:

[Click to embiggen]

Let's see: Interest rate cuts reassessed, Asian market commits suicide thanks to Lehman Brothers, Health plans suck and even economists know it, cellphones and train conductors don't mix and – wait, hello, hello, what's this? – Megan Fox had a femme Nikita?

Yes, Megan Fox, America's hottie du jour, once dated a Russian stripped named Nikita. Why? Because she “smelled like angels.” Paging, Cinemax After Dark, Cinemax After Dark, your plotline is waiting.

But what I found less astonishing than the fact that Megan had a brief foray into the love that dare not speak it's name (except maybe in Russian), was the fact that the AP would package the story along with the rest of its important “Top News.” While I love celebrity gossip as much if not considerably more than the next gal, um...priorities? It's not like yesterday was a slow news day or something, what with the U.S. economy collapsing and all.

Still, I have to give the AP a little credit for not running with the headline from the original GQ cover story where Megan talked about her Sapphic strip teaser. It demurely reads: “MEGAN FOX WAS A TEENAGE LESBIAN!” Yes, all caps. Yes, an exclamation point. Though, I guess I shouldn't expect subtlety from a magazine that runs these sorts of shots.

Still, don't let the headline fool you. Megan makes sure to clear one thing up for all the fellas reading at home:

“Look, I'm not a lesbian. I just think that all humans are born with the ability to be attracted to both sexes. I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl — Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands.”

Pssst, Megan, there's a name for that – it's bisexual. Hey, I'm just trying to make sure she gets her story straight, so to speak.

Dream Team

Oh, please, you knew I couldn't resist. Who is that sexy lady in the Tina Fey glasses? Oh, wait... In case you missed it, here is the best (and sort of the only) reason to have watched the season premiere of “Saturday Night Live” over the weekend. If Tina's accent was any more on-the-money I'd expect to see a dead moose tied to the hood of her truck. And how great was it to see Amy Poehler do her Hillary again? Sigh, yet another reason to bemoan that fact that Hill didn't prevail in the primaries.

So now the only question is who does the best creationism-teaching, Roe v. Wade-abolishing, crony-hiring, Bush Doctrine-unknowing and (still) Bridge to Nowhere-lying governor of Alaska: Tina or Gina?

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin

Gina Gershon as Sarah Palin

While it's hard to beat a bikini, you know whose clip I prefer. (Last name rhymes with gay...ahem.) My favorite line? “I can see Russia from my house!”

And with that, I think it's time to stop talking about she who should not be vice president. She is a distraction, and a dangerous distraction at that. Also, in real life, she is actually not all that funny. Nope, not funny at all.

My Weekend Crush

Some very wise lesbians across the pond recently voted Rachel Weisz their hottest of hotties. My only response (despite the survey's potentially dubious methodology) is jolly good show, England. Rachel is magnificent. I do not use that word lightly. But Rachel deserves its full definition. She is a magnificent actress, a magnificent talent, a magnificent beauty. For too much of her early career she struggled to find material that matched her true abilities. But then came “The Constant Gardener.” I defy you to watch this film and not forever fall in love with her. It simply can't be done. Everything that made you care about Tessa came from Rachel: her passion, her sensuality, her determination. So the heartbreak of that film was knowing, from the start, that such a magnificent life force was so brutally ended. Because of that I could only watch that film once, good as it was. Still, I think what really makes Rachel so magnificent is that she has something so wonderfully womanly about her. From her face to, well, all the rest she is quite possibly the perfect Eve. (Click that, trust me on this.) Clearly, that apple never had a chance. Happy weekend, all.

I only say this because I care

Dear America,

What the fuck? Seriously, huh? I go away for 10 days and you go ape shit. And by ape shit, I actually mean simians throwing poo. How did the bespectacled, beehived governor of Alaska become The Issue in this presidential election? Did someone slip something funny into my vacation margaritas and this is all really just a very strange, very bad dream? If so, I’m ready to wake up. Like, now. Like, yesterday. Like, make it stop.

Having observed (more like tried to avoid) the Palinification of this campaign for the past 11 days, I am of two minds as to what to do about this mess you find ourselves in. The big part of me wants to rip my hair out and scream at you, yes you, America. How could you fall into such a misguided and ultimately unrequited girlcrush? Remember back in high school when you had that crush and your friends, your parents, your teachers, your lunch ladies all told you she was totally, completely, dangerously wrong for you and you should just walk away and find a nice, sensible, worthy girl to give your affections to instead? Yeah, it’s like that, only so much more important.

Then there is another, smaller part of me that wants to do a begrudging golf clap to the entire Republican Party for such a brilliantly cynical political move. My God, they’re genius at being evil. I mean, who else could scream SEXISM at even the slightest disagreement over Palin’s credentials when they’re the ones who said Hillary Clinton’s voice reminded every man in America of a nagging wife demanding you “Take out the garbage!”? Who else could cry SMEARS when they’re the ones who put out an ad so patently false and sleazily misleading that every major news organization has decried its accuracy? Who is suddenly OUTRAGED by questions into a candidate’s personal life when they lead the torch-wielding mob that went after Obama for his ex-pastor Jeremiah Wright and spread the ridiculous rumors about him being a secret Muslim? They did. They did. They so fucking did. Shit, you have to hand it to those crafty elephants, they've got big brass ones when it comes to being utterly shameless. So I can see how you might get fooled at first glance, America, by their diabolical ways. But you and I both know that the truth still matters.

Look, America, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye but you must know that deep down, I really do love you. I think you’ve got unlimited potential and a great big heart. And, most importantly, I know you’re not this dumb. So you're going to see though all of this devious spin and make a smart choice for your future. For now I’m going to give you some time to get over this little infatuation. Moon over she who should not be vice president as Charlie Gibson undoubtedly will lobs some softballs her way on TV tonight. I'm not worried. Clearly this just a phase (and not the gay kind of phase because we all know those are permanent). But come November 4, please promise me that this whole thing will be out of your system. I can't bear to see you throw yourself at someone else who is clearly not good enough for you. Remember the Dubya debacle? No one wants to see you you waste another eight years of your life on a mistake. I only say this because I care.

With love,
Ms. Snarker

p.s. Sarah Haskins totally agrees with me. So if you won't listen to me, America, please listen to the only sane Sarah in this scenario.

UPDATE: Oh, and just in case the sensible Sarah or I inspired you to "Just say no," check out Women Against Sarah Palin.
[Hat tip, Debbie and Jill!]

Absence makes the heart go...crazy

Oh, ladies (and discerning gentlemen), have you missed me? I've missed you. I'm not going to lie, I loved being on vacation. Sure America went a little crazy and formed a totally inappropriate girlcrush in the 10 days I've been away (sweet merciful Zeus, if I see Sarah, Palin and Totally Not Hillary on one more magazine cover I'll vomit...seriously, I stole an air sickness bag from the plane just in case). Still I was able to avoid most cable news and much of The Internets long enough to feel rested and relaxed. So now I'm happy to return to my life's work: bring you insanely gorgeous photos of insanely talented women. I consider it a calling. And not too many women get more insanely gorgeous and insanely talented than the inimitable Cate Blanchett. She looks so fucking hot in these photos from her 2003 ad campaign that I'm actually jealous Donna Karan's name gets to share the same frame with her. Have I mentioned that my time away has also made me irrational? Regardless, please consider these shots my holiday gift to you. Trust me, they're a lot better than the "My Blogger Went on Vacation and All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt" souvenirs I had considered buying you all.

I don't know who that dude is, but I don't like him. Get away from her. You're not worthy! Sorry, there goes that irrationality again. [Hat tip, Collins!]