My Weekend Crush

As the incomparable Mercedes Jones, Amber Riley brings her locomotive of a voice to our living rooms each week. Instantly sassy, irresistibly brassy, her Mercedes is a talent who refuses to play second fiddle, even when that’s all-too frequently the role thrust upon her. She said it herself: “I’m Beyonce. I ain’t no Kelly Rowland.” What Riley brings to Mercedes, besides those ridiculously perfect pipes, is a refreshing burst of confidence. On “Glee,” her presence speaks volumes without even using her voice. On a stage filled almost exclusively with slim starlets and six-packing studs, Riley is more of an everyteen (though in real life she is the crush-appropriate age of 24).

Her size became a subplot for a millisecond last season, but it does not define her. Instead Riley’s Mercedes is known for her confidence, strength, loyalty and – of course – that voice. I know this will be sacrilege to some, but I really loved her rendition of “Sweet Transvestite” in this week’s “Rocky Horror Glee Show” episode. Yes, it was silly they changed “transsexual Transylvania” to “sensational Transylvania.” No, she isn’t Tim Curry. But, lord, who is? Instead she gave it her own sexy stamp. Bonus points for using Brittany and Santana as backup dancers. I don’t know about you, but watching all three of them dance together is definitely good for relieving my tension. Happy weekend and Halloween, all.

Bite Me

I have a thing for vampires, this is no secret. The fangs, the biting, the immortality. That’s one sexy combo. It helps that lady vampires are being portrayed right now on screen – both big and small – by some very attractive actresses. So with Halloween approaching, I thought we’d pay tribute to these toothsome talents. But why mindlessly ogle when you can make it a cutthroat competition? Let’s sink our teeth into the beautiful bloodsuckers from the three biggest vampire series out currently (“True Blood,” “The Vampire Diaries” and the “Twilight” saga) and see which group tastes the best.

TRUE BLOOD

PamHot, blonde and into chicks.

Sophie-AnneHot, ginger and into chicks.

JessicaHot, ginger and not into chicks, but I would happily spend an eternity trying to convert her.

THE VAMPIRE DIARIES

KatherineEvil, but has a good doppelganger so, you know, kind of the best of both worlds.

CarolineI like her so much better as a vampire than a human, is that wrong?

IsobelWe all knew Jenny Schecter was a vampire already, this is just more upfront about it.

TWILIGHT

Esme and Alice CullenDoes the fact that they’re not really mother and daughter makes it any less creepy that I think they make a nice looking couple? OK, still no.

RosalieI’m just going to say it, I don’t like Nikki Reed as a blonde.

JaneDoes the fact that her character is, like, 1,000 years old make it any less creepy that she is actually 16? OK, still no.

So, which lady vamps do it for you? Who sucks the least, figuratively? Or the most, literally? Yes, I know I went there with all the bad puns. Bite me.

Fat and Happy

Opinions are like assholes, or so the saying goes. So it only follows that many assholes have opinions. But you are still taken aback, way aback, when an asshole is such an asshole about her opinions. Like, for instance, the Marie Claire blogger who posted her thoughts on the new CBS sitcom “Mike & Molly.”

Let me break down the essence of her post for you:

HEY FATTIES, EAT SOME UNPROCESSED FOOD AND GET OFF YOUR BIG ASSES. ALSO, STOP KISSING. GROSS.

And I’m not even really paraphrasing there. This is what was actually written.

My initial response was: Hmm, being overweight is one thing — those people are downright obese! And while I think our country’s obsession with physical perfection is unhealthy, I also think it’s at least equally crazy, albeit in the other direction, to be implicitly promoting obesity! ….

So anyway, yes, I think I’d be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other ... because I’d be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room. ….

I’m happy to give you some nutrition and fitness suggestions if you need them — but long story short, eat more fresh and unprocessed foods, read labels and avoid foods with any kind of processed sweetener in them whether it’s cane sugar or high fructose corn syrup, increase the amount of fiber you’re getting, get some kind of exercise for 30 minutes at least five times a week, and do everything you can to stand up more — even while using your computer — and walk more.

(p.s. That last sentence is 84 – EIGHTY FOUR – words long. How about learning how to slim down your writing instead, lady?)

WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK WAS THAT FUCKING SHIT?

The post has made the rounds, been roundly criticized and, by my rough estimate, garnered some 6 gazillion very unhappy replies in the comments section. The writer has apologized, said the post was an insensitive, thoughtless reaction to her own struggles with anorexia. Blah blah blah. That may well be true. While we should be rightfully furious with its writer (a Maura Kelly – who has been published in The New York Times, The Washington Post and Glamour, among others. Also, she loves peanut butter!), we should also see this as a symptom of a larger, more insidious disease we have as a society. This Maura person articulated it almost perfectly.

In our society, we think to be loved you have to look a certain way. If you don’t look that certain way you are unworthy, unhealthy, unhappy, undeserving. If you don’t look a certain way you shouldn’t kiss, find love, walk across a room. If you don’t look a certain way you should be ashamed, disgusted and hate ever fiber of your big, ugly, repulsive body.

What a colossal load of unrelenting horse shit.

Without getting into the flat-out fallacies of Maura Kelly’s argument (all weight can be managed through diet and exercise, etc.), let’s talk about her piece’s casual yet calculated cruelty. It’s a cruelty that permeates our society. It’s fed by the fashion and beauty industries. It’s fed by Photoshopping the already beautiful into impossible beauty. It’s fed by almost every image we see projected and plastered everywhere. This is how you should look, if you don’t look like this how could you possibly be happy? An entire body-shaming industrial complex profits from our continued misery.

It shouldn’t be a radical statement to say that we are all humans and that we all deserve happiness no matter our size, race, sexual orientation, disabilities, whathaveyou. Yet here we are, in the year 2010, and some people are still saying how gross it is that two fatties have the audacity to actually kiss. How dare they be happy, don’t they know?

Treating all people with basic human decency and respect, now that’s fucking beautiful.

Tank Top Tuesday

Sometimes, when putting together Tank Top Tuesday posts, I struggle to find a theme. Sporty shots. Black and white shots. Candid shots. Fancy shots. Shoddy shots. But then sometimes I look at my pictures and realize, honey, you’re really over thinking it. Hotties + Tank Tops = No Additional Explanation Required. In other words, as you can see from Salma Hayek above, I picked these pictures today because they’re hot. You’re welcome. Now go have a nice Tuesday.

Tricia HelferShe is going to guest star on “Lie to Me.” Jesus, Tim Roth. First Jennifer Beals now Tricia? Lucky bastard.

Diane LaneI thought about seeing “Secretariat,” but (spoiler alert) I already know the horse wins. So, um, where’s the suspense in that?

Liv TylerI know a lot of people look at her and see an elf queen, but I’ll always see that gal who cavorted with Alicia Silverstone.

Kate HudsonProof that every gal looks great with suspenders and a belt chain. Even gals who only really ever made one good movie. (“Almost Famous,” duh.)

Amber HeardSpeaking of good movies, boy, “Drive Angry” does not look like one. But, um, Amber is still pretty – and in 3D.

Emily HainesI want Emily to dance around in sparkly shirts and fierce boots while filling my heart with joy forever and ever. And if that sparkly top happens to be a tank top, all the better.

Debbie HarryDebbie doesn’t need to dance around to fill my heart with joy forever and ever. Those cheekbones are more than enough.

Angie HarmonSo much is happening here. A plane. A headset. All that cleavage. I have no idea where this is from. I am completely OK with that. (p.s. You’re reading the Rizzoli & Isles Retro Subtext Recaps, right? Right.)

See, best not to over think things.

SGALGG: The Revenge

You know what I like? I like it when women who break up with guys who then immediately start dating women 20 years younger their junior find a way to still show up their exes in spectacular fashion. So when Elisabeth Moss and Fred Armisen got divorced earlier this year, and then he started to date his 23-year-old “Saturday Night Live” co-star Abby Elliott (he is 43, by the way), I thought, “Bring it, Elisabeth.” Granted, Elisabeth is only 5 years older than Abby, but her ex still managed to trade younger. Well, consider it brought. Besides her continued “Mad Men” success, Elisabeth is set to make her London stage debut next year. Opposite Keira Knightley. Who she falls in love with. In a revival of “The Children’s Hour.” Hmm, getting lesbionic with Keira night after night in front of a live audience? That’ll do it.

So, I could quibble about the play itself. Really, must we revive the lesbian love ends in tragedy and despair thing again? But the casting is amazing and the story while sad is well told. So bully for them. Of course, this role will require research. So let me offer these helpful, Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals-y acting tips to Elisabeth to prepare for her West End debut.

Hang out with fake gay ladies.Though you might want to take Joyce up on her offer next time, for practice.

Hang out with real gay ladies.Tell her you like vampires, gay ladies love vampires.

Dress like a gay lady.You know the cop contingent is your favorite float at the Pride Parade.

SGALGG at every opportunity.Erika Christensen looks more than happy to help.

Hey, but no SGALGGing with Tina.Sorry, she’s mine.

Become part of a lesbian ship.Do they have a portmanteau yet?

Become the ham in a very pretty sandwich.That’s the kind of bread you really want to butter.

Add a different kinds of Hamm.I mean, come on, even lesbians like a little Jon Hamm.

Look ridiculously hot.So random women everywhere are forced to go, “DAMN, GIRL.”

When all else fails…

…just keep getting licked.

Never mind the Stanislavski Method, this is the SGALGG Method.

My Weekend Patriotism

The President of the United States of America is looking into a camera and telling gay kids everywhere that “You are not alone. You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t do anything to deserve being bullied. And there is a whole world waiting for you, filled with possibilities. There are people out there who love you and care about you just the way you are.” Does it negate the deep disappointment I feel about how his administration has handled DADT, ENDA, gay marriage, etc.? No. Does it make me proud to have a president who cares enough about gay kids to speak to them directly and tell them their lives have worth? Yes. The leader of the free world wants gay kids to know they shouldn’t be bullied and they shouldn’t kill themselves. It seems so simple, but it is so very significant. This is how things get better. Thank you, Mr. President. Happy weekend, all.

UPDATE: A little more on why, despite our disappointments, this is still a Big Fucking Deal. (Joe Biden.)

Shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen

You know when you first hear a song and think, “OK, that’s dumb.” Then you hear it again and go, “OK, that’s dumb, but it has a good beat.” And then by the third time you hear it you’re singing the chorus at the top of your lungs in the car? Yeah, it’s like that.

So right now that song for me is “Whip My Hair.” There really isn’t anything to it. The title is two-thirds of the lyrics. In fact, on its surface the song’s pedigree is its most interesting attribute. You see, the insanely precocious half-pint whipping her hair back-and-forth like a pro is none other than Willow Smith, the 9-year-old daughter of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith. Yes, that’s right, another one. The couple’s son Jaden was in “The Karate Kid” remake this summer and now Willow has a hit single. I swear, at this rate I’m pretty sure one of the Pinkett-Smith offspring will run for president in 2012.

What makes the whole hair whipping phenomena more interesting is its juxtaposition with the also just-released “I Love My Hair” video by Sesame Street. The cherry little number is an ode to African-American hair and, well, adorable. So damn cute.

So, well, you can see where this is all going? Yes, kittens, the inevitable “Whip My Hair”/“I Love My Hair” mash-up. Please, by all means, enjoy.

Not to over-intellectualize the reasons for one’s possible enjoyment for any or all of these videos, but - um, you know – sometimes a gal just wants her hair to look good.

Purple Pride

People have criticized the “It Gets Better” project. They say it’s idle words and cold comfort for kids who are hurting now. But it’s much more than that. It’s a community coming together for a community that isn’t always easy to find when you’re new. It’s a community showing those who are just realizing who they are what it looks like to finally figure it out fully. It’s a community reassuring each other that, yes, we have all been there and, yes, it does really get better.

It’s also those who support our community showing us what it means to be an ally. Yesterday, our biggest straight ally to date stepped in to the conversation. Our Secretary of State Hillary Clinton released an “It Gets Better” video. Before you watch, I want you to think about the magnitude and significance of this – a sitting Secretary of State filming a message of support intended specifically for GLBT youth. That’s a powerful message from someone with real power.

Oh, Hillary. Just when I think I couldn’t possibly love you more.

Today is also Spirit Day, a day to remember GLBT youth who have tragically taken their lives and rally to end anti-gay bullying. I admit, I’m not wearing purple. I wore my one purple shirt to work on Monday and, alas, do not own another. (It was my high school color, and no one wants to be reminded too much of the days when you were forced to look like a grape while dealing with acne and adolescence.) But I’ve changed my Twitter profile for the day. And I know each time I think about Hillary’s support, I’ll swell with purple pride. It does get better, and it will because so many people – like Hillary, like everyone else who has recorded a video – care enough to make sure it does.

Glee Gone Ewww

Look, “Glee,” I’m excited about the “Rocky Horror” episode next week as anyone. I am ready to Time Warp all up in this business. But I was not prepared for a horror of another kind. What is happening in this GQ photoshoot? I understand that all parties involved are, in fact, above the legal age of consent and therefore this photo isn’t technically underage. But, doesn’t it look underage? And isn’t that the nod and wink they’re trying to convey by it being set in a high school. Of course, it’s no surprise the shot was done by perennially plaid-shirted and bespectacled photographer/creepy uncle you don’t want to sit next to at family dinners Terry Richardson. He gives almost all his shoots an uncomfortable, bad 70s porn feel. But what is supposed to be hot here is just, well, creepy.

So creepy that it is making me feel weird/wrong/worried about getting arrested just by looking at these pictures. In fact, I feel my only recourse other than finding some sort of industrial memory erasing soap with which to scrub out my brain is to rate the pictures on an “EWWW”-Factor scale from 1 to 10, 10 being something involving sex dice, riding crops and your grandparents.

Dianna Agron, Cory Monteith and Lea Michele

The first person to Photoshop Cory out of this picture and replace him with Heather Morris or Naya Rivera gets a cookie. Watch where you put those hands, young man. Well, at least Lea is touching Dianna. But my Faberry fantasies are a strictly two-person only affair. In other words: Go away forever, Finn!
Ewww-Factor: 8

Lea Michele

Really, a sucker? Really? How original. Why didn’t they just give her a banana to suck on? Though, I wish the photo was a little higher resolution so I could tell what that tattoo was of.
Ewww-Factor: 6

Dianna Agron

Speaking of tattoos, I really wish this picture was bigger so I could see what was written on Dianna’s side. And, yes, I kind of wish there was a stiffer breeze in that auditorium.
Ewww-Factor: 4 (Two of those points are all me, by the way.)

Lea Redux

OHMYGODMYEYESWHATNOSTOPSERIOUSLYATLEASTCLOSEYOURMOUTHORLEGSORBOTHWHATNOSTOP!
Ewww-Factor: 300

What is seen cannot be unseen. I’ll be needing that cookie now. And a Silkwood shower.

Getting Lippy

Hey, who wants to talk about that British show with all the gay ladies and the skinny, androgynous, hipster-haired lesthario who is definitely not Shane? No one? Really? Fine. I’ll just go eat this crumpet in the corner with a spot of tea then. Weather’s been nice for this time of year. Turned a touch cold last night. Wait, what’s that? You do want to talk about that British show with all the gay ladies and the skinny, androgynous, hipster-haired lesthario who is definitely not Shane? Well why didn’t you say so. I’ve been dying to discuss “The L Word with Better Accents” “Lip Service.” Let me just finish this tea first.

SPOILER ALERT: Talking about the show means talking about spoilers for the pilot episode. Also I’m also going to talk about some spoilers for the pilot episode of “The L Word” – you know, for all three of you who have never seen it.

First of all, stop comparing it to that other lesbian show. “Lip Service” is nothing like “The L Word.” “Lip Service” has a thin, tortured lady’s lady with an edgy hairdo named Frankie. “The L Word” has a thin, tortured lady’s lady with an edgy hairdo named Shane. Frankie takes pictures. Shane cuts hair. Different, not the same. Oh, shit. Didn’t Shane start taking pictures in, like, season six or something? Damn.

“Lip Service” is set in Glasgow, “The L Word” was set in Vancouver Los Angeles. LS starts out with three main gay ladies, TLW started out with six main gay ladies. LS began with a death, TLW ended with a death. LS took 1 minute and 25 seconds to get to the first lesbian sex scene, TLW took 10 minutes and 35 seconds to get to the first lesbian sex scene. LS has hot Scottish accents, TLW had hot Jennifer Beals arms.

All joking aside, the shows have very different tones (LS is a little more raw, TLW was a lot more glossy) and very different obvious initial story arcs (LS is about lost love, TLW was about self awakening). I would still advise all “Lip Service” actresses steer clear of any swimming pools, just in case.

The bigger question remains: How was it? It was good. I wouldn’t say I fell in love instantly, but I most definitely want a second date. And I can’t wait to get it naked. You know the biggest problem with “Lip Service” so far? No one is especially likable yet. Tess whines (though her robot love was adorkable), Cat furrows her brow while showing varying levels of concern and Frankie looks very Shane today. Granted, we are only one episode in. But one episode into “The L Word” I already loved Alice, adored Dana and wanted to be bossed around like a bad puppy by Bette.

I believe the rest of my feelings about “Lip Service” can be best expressed in screencaps. It was between that or interpretive dance. I think, for everyone’s sake, I made the right decision.

Meet Frankie
First Lesbian Sex
Why It’s Better to be British
Meet Tess
Meet Cat
Meet Her One Facial Expression
Yes, Really
But How Was It?
Bonus: Ship it.

God bless the BBC.