This Is One Man's World

Well now, if this doesn’t pass the Bechdel Test then I give up. At first glance the new series “Y: The Last Man” may seem like the ultimate lesbian wish fulfilment. (Kidding, we don’t want to kill ALL the men, we just want ALL the men to treat us equally! Alas.) But hopefully what it is is a fantastic showcase for what looks like an amazing cast of female actors: Diane Lane, Olivia Thirlby, Amber Tamblyn, Ashley Romans (who played gay in “Shameless”) and more. And it’s also been confirmed that trans men will be a part of the show, which is great. Also, in a world devoid of all but one dude, you have to think lesbianism will start to look like an appealing option. Just sayin’. I haven’t read the graphic novels on which this new TV adaptation is based, but I have hopes this could be like a lady-led “Walking Dead.” Like maybe it’s a post-apocalyptic world where for once we don’t have to still smash the patriarchy. (Kidding, we all know women internalize the patriarchy and its protection, particularly white women!). Though, and this is an admittedly small quibble, even in a world basically devoid of men, we still find a way to center that one singular guy and make the whole title of the show about him. Some things never change.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Women in Black Edition

Time for some classic black suits. Single breasted. Double breasted. With a pinstripe. With a tuxedo cut. With a tie. Without a tie. Without a shirt. They’re all good. They’ve all very good on women. Very, very, very good. But don’t take my and Ellen Page’s word for it. Please witness my irrefutable proof.

Jameela Jamil

I am so behind on “The Good Place” and I feel terrible about it. Further proof we’re living in The Bad Place.

Carey Mulligan Michelle Williams

Chuck Taylors + a delicate pinstripe + a loose tie = the best maths.

*In my defense, many blonde white women with pixie cuts look alike.

Diane Lane

Shirts are overrated anyway.

Janelle Monae

Jaunty hat game on point. As, of course, is everything else.

Pink & her daughter Willow

Yes, start them young on the path towards suits.

Does Not Pass the What Test?

Some days, we are all Diane Lane. In an interview with Vanity Fair the actress was discussing whether her role in “House of Cards” passes the Bechdel Test and, well, things went a little sideways.

Vanity Fair: There are some fantastic interactions between your character and Claire Underwood. The repartee is like something out of an old movie.
Diane Lane: But we don’t [pass] the rectal test, right? Am I saying it right?
Vanity Fair: You mean Bechdel? Like Alison Bechdel, the Bechdel test [which looks at whether a movie, TV show, or book features at least two women talking to each other about something besides men]?
Diane Lane: Yes, that’s it. When the Bechdel test was first mentioned, I thought, yeah, what’s up with that? Why are guys always able to talk about whatever is going on in the story and then the ladies are coming on talking about the guys? I mean, it’s just dumb. . . . We are playing history back now, looking at things differently.

Now, granted, this is in print and having listened to my fair share of taped interviews I can say much can be lost in translation. But for a brief, wonderful moment of embarrassing mispronunciation, may we all rejoice that a Rectal Test does not actually exist in feminist critique. Thanks for the laugh, Diane. Thanks ever so much.

Resolve this

Right, so it is a whole four days into this New Year and about time for a status check. How many resolutions have you already broken? How many have you conveniently forgotten? How many have you told yourself you’d give yourself a week to start? Be honest now. This is the internet, and no one ever lies on the internet. How about me, you ask? Well, this year instead of draconian dictates demanding better behavior, I’ve decided to make just one resolution. And my sole resolution is simple. Cut myself some slack.

Now you might be thinking, Goddammit Snarker, you slacker, you’re already as slack as slack can get. Put on a pair of slacks and you’ll be the poster child for the Gap’s new slouchy khakis campaign, “Slackers, because only your dad wears Dockers.”

But, seriously, I think it’s something we should all aspire to. People can demand a lot of us – our family, our friends, our work, our partners. But sometimes, oftentimes, we demand the most out of ourselves. And, when we don’t reach our own lofty expectations, we are also often hardest on ourselves. I can and have been mighty hard on myself in the past. Why can’t I write better? Why can’t I post more? Why can’t I answer more email? Why can’t I be better, smarter, funnier, honester – wait, is honester a word? – see the smarter thing above.

And then, then you spend a lot of useless time beating yourself up. This is almost never time well spent and almost always counterproductive. Because instead of the “Why can’t Is,” you should be focused on the “What can Is.” What can I do to write better? What can I do to post more? And, the best question of all, what can I do to be happier? The whys may give you the cause, but the whats will give you the directions.

So, that’s it for me for 2012: Cut myself some slack. If I can’t do everything, I simply can’t do everything. But I can try my very best at the things I can do. And that, that I will always promise you. Well, that and continued adoration of Tina Fey. Please, like you had to ask.

So with that, because I can and because I’m kinda good at it, here are some lovely ladies for you to enjoy in various states of dress. But in black and white, because that makes the objectification more classy. It’s a rule, look it up in your college art books. Hey, just because I’m cutting myself some slack doesn’t mean I don’t want to occasionally have you fine folks stare slack-jawed at your screens.

Michelle RodriguezIf you’re thinking, “My, that’s a big gun,” you’re thinking about the wrong thing.

Catherine Zeta-JonesEvery time I see her I want to turn to Michael Douglas and say, “Dude, nicely done.”

Elizabeth MitchellUncontrollable jealously of a pillow in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

Diane LaneNormally I’m against shoes on the couch, normally.

Stana KaticI finally saw that movie where she plays a wife-stealing lesbian. Poor Greg Kinnear never stood a chance.

Tina TurnerIn contrast, if you’re thinking, “My, that’s a big gun” here, you’re thinking about the very right thing.

Happy 2012, kittens. Be good to yourself, you’re worth it.

Tank Top Tuesday

Sometimes, when putting together Tank Top Tuesday posts, I struggle to find a theme. Sporty shots. Black and white shots. Candid shots. Fancy shots. Shoddy shots. But then sometimes I look at my pictures and realize, honey, you’re really over thinking it. Hotties + Tank Tops = No Additional Explanation Required. In other words, as you can see from Salma Hayek above, I picked these pictures today because they’re hot. You’re welcome. Now go have a nice Tuesday.

Tricia HelferShe is going to guest star on “Lie to Me.” Jesus, Tim Roth. First Jennifer Beals now Tricia? Lucky bastard.

Diane LaneI thought about seeing “Secretariat,” but (spoiler alert) I already know the horse wins. So, um, where’s the suspense in that?

Liv TylerI know a lot of people look at her and see an elf queen, but I’ll always see that gal who cavorted with Alicia Silverstone.

Kate HudsonProof that every gal looks great with suspenders and a belt chain. Even gals who only really ever made one good movie. (“Almost Famous,” duh.)

Amber HeardSpeaking of good movies, boy, “Drive Angry” does not look like one. But, um, Amber is still pretty – and in 3D.

Emily HainesI want Emily to dance around in sparkly shirts and fierce boots while filling my heart with joy forever and ever. And if that sparkly top happens to be a tank top, all the better.

Debbie HarryDebbie doesn’t need to dance around to fill my heart with joy forever and ever. Those cheekbones are more than enough.

Angie HarmonSo much is happening here. A plane. A headset. All that cleavage. I have no idea where this is from. I am completely OK with that. (p.s. You’re reading the Rizzoli & Isles Retro Subtext Recaps, right? Right.)

See, best not to over think things.

My Weekend Crush

What I love most about Diane Lane is that her face, while simply gorgeous, also feels lived in. It is the face of a woman and not a girl. Not that I have anything against girls, but when you look at a woman’s face you see history. You see her past -- her triumphs and her losses, her loves and her heartbreaks, her hopes and her regrets. You see an earned beauty. One needs only look at pictures of Diane when she was a girl to see the difference. The beauty, while always there, now is so much richer. There is a wisdom and complexity -- not to mention a smoldering sexuality -- there now that simply wasn’t there when she was a teenager. You know that saying “Never send a boy to do a man’s job“? Well, flip the gender and that’s Diane Lane’s appeal in a nutshell. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. As a special Weekend Crush Bonus, please enjoy this shot of Diane nuzzling Angela Bassett. I know I do.