Lesbians prefer blondes

Look, twinsies! The first shot of new Nip/Tuck couple Portia de Rossi and Joely Richardson has been released by FX. (Click to enlarge.) They look so happy. They look so healthy. They look so on the verge of being the victims of a horrible, horrible hate crime. Oh wait, sorry, that’s just me reading too much into the body language. Actually, Portia is totally giving Joely a naughty “Just wait until I get you home and into bed, missy -- you’re in big trouble!”-look. I’ll bet she’s doing mental calculations on how many moves it will take to undo Joely’s bra. It’s like “Name That Tune,” but much more fun. “I can undo that bra in three moves!”With Joely’s character Julia lesboing up, this mean Roma Maffia’s character Dr. Liz Cruz will have some lady-loving competition this season. I’ll admit, I haven’t watch Nip/Tuck regularly in quite a while. The whole Carver thing along with assorted other insane/inane plot points convinced me I could find better ways to spend an hour on Tuesday nights. I probably won’t watch regularly this season either. But, I do plan to tune in for the “anything but tame” hot lesbian sex Joely and Portia will be having, however short the afterglow ends up being. Also, I had no idea Lauren Hutton was on this show, did you? Oh, wait, she appears to be a new character. Wow, she looks great. Damn, it’s like FX is taunting me with all this beauty, daring me to start watching again. Must. Resist. Must... Fine, I’m programming it in. But I swear I’m just going to skip to the good parts.

Nip/Tuck spoils our fun

**SPOILERS! Nip/Tuck Spoilers! Seriously, I mean it! SPOILERS!**

So, in classic “Nip/Tuck” fashion, the new season hasn’t even started yet and already it has delivered a potentially infuriating WTF moment. If Watch with Kristin is right, it really sucks:

“Julia (Joely Richardson) and her new girlfriend (played by Ms. Portia de Rossi) -- yes, I said girlfriend -- will be the victims of a violent crime this year. I’m hearing the pair is kidnapped, sexually assaulted and left to deal with the emotional ramifications of the event for many episodes to come.”

Like I said, WHAT THE FUCK?! I was all excited about all the hot lesbian sex Portia and Joely were supposedly going to have together. I mean, sure, they suffer from Lesbian Twin Syndrome, but I’m willing to overlook it in the name of, uh, art. And then this. Why? WHY! God, can’t there be any happy, healthy, sexy, non-pregnant, non-emotionally scarred lesbian couples on TV? Must we all end up in therapy? According to Kristin, sadly, yes:

“I’ve heard the storyline is so dark, it’s one of the darkest in Nip/Tuck’s history and actually involves a hate crime.”

Look, it’s all good and fine and honorable to raise awareness about the horrible, horrible effects of hate. But this is a show about plastic surgery, people. And it’s not a show know for a) it’s deep social activism or b) it’s tact. Ugh. This reminds me why I stopped watching in the first place. I might still tune in for the sex, though. What? I never said I had any tact either.

Blonde on Blonde

Remember when I said that Portia de Rossi was going to appear on the new season of Nip/Tuck as a “manipulative lesbian mother whose teen daughter wants to have plastic surgery?” Well, it just got a whole lot more interesting. According to TV Guide, her character will enter into a torrid relationship with Joely Richardson’s character Julia. Wow, that’s a whole lot of blonde going on right there. If the TV Guide folks are to be believed the pair’s sex scenes are “anything but tame.” Hello. Think Ellen has already programmed her Tivo for that episode?

p.s. Good God, how skinny is Portia’s shoulder compared to Joely’s? She better put on some padding before their roll in the sack together or somebody could lose an eye.