My Weekend Killer

GIVE IT TO ME. GIVE IT TO ME NOW. Words cannot adequately harness how fucking excited I am about the second season of “Killing Eve.” As soon as the creepy, ethereal “Addicted to Love” cover in this trailer started, I was instantly transported back to the show’s intoxicating aesthetic. The cat-and-mouse, lust-and-loathe obsession that these two have for each other is like nothing else on television right now. Sure, the world is garbage and our “president” is declaring fake emergencies for his racist vanity projects. But we have Eve and Villanelle and really large kitchen knives and the delicious visual paraphrasing of “love makes you do the wacky” to help us get through the day. And at least until April 7, may that be enough. Happy killer weekend, all.

My Weekend Crush

Today is kind of a free day in the United States. Thanksgiving is always on a Thursday and if you have a job that’s even halfway decent to its employees they give you Friday as well. Otherwise, well, you take a vacation day or *cough, cough* call in sick. It’s the American way, alright? So please enjoy this day, wherever you are, with the same kind of effervescent freedom and whimsy Cate and Sandy are displaying above. Happy four-day turkey weekend, all.

My Weekend Crush

Have you ever wanted to live inside a picture? Like this one? Or this one? Or maybe this one? Well I’m pretty sure life would be amazing in this fanart poster by Instagrammer loubbie.isreal for “Ocean’s 9.” Like, all the lawns are green and everyone recycles and no one agrees with Nazis and Donald Trump had a near death experience choking on his overcooked steak with ketchup and changed his life to become a marine biologist to challenge his lifelong fear of sharks and nobody heard from him ever again. And we all lived happily ever after. Happy weekend, all.

"Ocean's 8" Lesbian Movie Review

Yes, kittens, “Ocean’s 8” is a lesbian movie – in its heart where it counts. OK, fine, technically it’s a lesbian-in-spirit movie on screen. But, come on, Cate Blanchett is called “Lou” and slinks around in a series of increasingly amazing suits and then rides off into the sunset on a motorcycle – quite literally. So, Harold, that’s pretty lesbian.

But really, what “Ocean’s 8” is is a reminder that the world needs to be shown more women together, period. In fact, if you put a group of smart, talented, charismatic women together and give them something to do other than pine for a man, the result is basically magic.

Look, Hollywood has been doing this for decades with men. Men at work. Men at war. Men in prison. Men in space. Men stealing shit. Men buying shit. Men, men, men. We get it, my dudes. You do things.

But, here’s a revolutionary realization, so do women. Women also work, go to war, go to prison, go to space, steal shit, buy shit. Women, women, women. And, guess what, they’re good at it, too. And it’s interesting, and different, than just watching a bunch of dudes do the exact same thing.

Take your “Killing Eve” or your “Orange Is the New Black” or your “Hidden Figures” or any other entertainment that trusts women to tell their own stories, to be their own stars. There is something deliciously alive and fresh about the chemistry between these casts. Why? Because for so damn long we haven’t been shown women as much more than the love interest, side kick, token female.

But guess what, we contain multitudes upon our multitudes.

“Ocean’s 8” is unabashedly fun and unquestionably clever. It’s also unashamed of its femininity. Now by femininity I don’t mean it’s “Ocean’s 11” with a cheap pink makeover. This isn’t that “Made Just For Women!” crap they try to sell us like pens and razors. This is fundamentally female in a way that celebrates women’s abilities and differences. And, at the same time, should be universally interesting because, duh, women are interesting.

All of the women are wonderful – Cate, Sandra, Anne, Sarah, Rihanna, Mindy, Awkwafina, Mindy. I would happily watch them read all of updated privacy policies I have steadfastly ignored over my lifetime out loud. And then I would ask them to read them again, but more slowly.

In short, I will happily watch “Ocean’s 8” again – and again, and again. Will I make Lou and Debbie kiss in my head each time? Of course. But then, everyone else is, too. Because, as I said, “Ocean’s 8” is totally a lesbian movie. It just doesn’t know it yet. But, luckily, we do.

My Weekend Crush

One of the very best things about “Oceans Eight” – besides being a movie featuring eight talented and diverse actresses pulling off the kind of heist caper previously relegated to mainly menfolks - is the parade of suits Cate Blanchett has worn leading up to its release. I mean, the woman has suit range.



Oh, did I mention that last suit has RAINBOW STRIPES down the legs? Because it does, it really does.



You know Sandy approves of her suit game, you just know.




(and, of course, you know Sarah Paulson approves, or at very least has lovingly ribbed Cate about her suit game.)

The other best thing about “Oceans Eight” is how Cate’s co-stars love to stare lovingly at her impeccable visage. I mean, they’re no Kristen Stewart in the smitten department, but close.



Happy “Ocean’s Eight” premiere weekend, all.

Ladies Who Laugh

Well now, isn’t this a nice thing to wake up to? Cate Blanchett and Sarah Paulson showed off their BFF troublemakers sides when they appeared together on “Today” yesterday. The two friends had Hoda Kotb and, later, Savannah Guthrie laughing until they cried – quite literally. It also features Sarah teasing Cate about not winning an Oscar for “Carol.” Cate teasing Sarah for only having one an Emmy. And then Cate sits on Sarah’s lap and, well.



Anyway, the whole thing has to be seen to be enjoyed, rewatched, enjoyed some more.



p.s. I know you guys like me, you really like me, because not one, not two, but three of you send me this video all like, “Snarker, guuurl, you’ve GOT to see this!” My most sincere and lesbian thanks, ladies.

p.p.s. Only oblivious straight women would ever deign to ask Cate and Sarah what movie they were in together. The indignity! Also, straight ladies, you should totally watch “Carol.”

p.p.p.s. If you want to see the entire cast (well, six of eight) of “Ocean’s 8” play Never Have I Ever and crack each other up, please enjoy. I am here to spread joy and many, many wonderful ladies laughing together.

Eight Is More Than Enough

Yes. That is all. Yes.

A Perfect Eight

Look, I know Christmas was yesterday, but who is to say we can’t celebrate a second day? (Heck that song with the partridge says we can celebrate 12 days, dammit.) But instead of two turtle doves, on this second day of Christmas I give you eight awesome ladies. I know, I know – you might have seen it already since the “Ocean’s Eight” trailer was released before Christmas. But, let’s be honest, it’s the gift that keeps on giving.

p.s. I love every. single. thing. Cate Blanchett is wearing.



p.p.s. I also love what Awkwafina is wearing.



p.p.s. And what Sandy is wearing.



p.p.p.s. And what Sandy is doing to Sarah here.



p.p.p.p.s. Fine, I love everything, everyone, all of it, the whole eight-chilada.

Another Ocean To Cross

I have said for the past two months (78 days, to be exact) that “Oceans 8” is one of the only things I’m looking forward to in 2017. And now, dammit, I’ve finally realized that “Oceans 8” isn’t coming out in 2017. It’s not coming out until 2018. And summer 2018 at that. GODDAMIT, UNIVERSE. Throw me a bone here. I need every sliver of joy I can get to make it through each day. At the very least you have to give me more than one single picture of the elegant eight sitting together/apart in a subway car. Fine. Sigh. I’ll take it. Hey, it is a rough year. We take what we can.

My Weekend Crush

One of the few things bringing me real and consistent joy in the hellscape that has been 2016 is the set photos from “Ocean’s 8.” The lady power spinoff of “Ocean’s 11” continues to delight. Like, for real, every picture is so damn delightful. And I hope they delight you as much as they delight me. Happy delightful weekend, all.

Helena Bonham Carter threatening Anne Hathaway’s life. Delightful!


Rihanna wearing an “I’m With Her. And Her.” T-shirt. Delightful!


Sarah Paulson doing anything. Always delightful!


Cate Blanchett and Sandra Bullock kissing while wearing Anne Hathaway masks. Weirdly delightful!


Cate Blanchett’s arm porn. OK, that’s just hot. Delightfully hot.

I'd Cross The Ocean For You

When we first heard about “Oceans 8” we were all like, “YAAAS.” So many talented, amazing, crazy hot women in one movie together. And then, then we saw the first set photos. And we are like, “SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY.” In particular, seeing Cate Blanchett in her sexy Keith Richards gear makes us all like, *INDISTINGUISHABLE GURGLING NOISE*



I want them to show “Oceans 8” and the new “Ghostbusters” as a back-to-back double feature. And I want every self-respecting woman in the world to go see it them. And then I want us to walk out arm-in-arm and greet each man we pass with a knowing laugh. Poor dears. It’s our time now.

p.s. Does it look like Cate is in a modern-day remake of “Carol” with Sandy here? At the very least she’s asking Sandra Bullock if she found some gloves on her counter.

My Weekend Crush

So today we have a good news, bad news situation. Because I want to send you into your weekend on a good note, we’ll deal with the bad first. Bad news, guys, they probably won’t be making a “Ghostbusters” sequel. The all-female reboot that made manbabies shit themselves has apparently not done well enough at the box office for the studio to proceed. Because it was such an affront to their fragile manhood to allow four smart, funny, talented women to play roles once occupied exclusively by men, we now don’t get to find out how these ladies would have dealt with Zuul. Well, at least we got to ruin all those men’s childhoods along the way.

So now, the good news. A new “Oceans Eleven” spinoff is in the works, but this time with an all-female cast. YES! YES! BRING ME ALL THE MEN’S CHILDHOODS TO RUIN! I know, that alone seems delicious enough. But wait until you get a load of this cast: Cate Blanchett, Sandra Bullock, Anne Hathaway, Rihanna, Helena Bonham Carter, Mindy Kaling and Awkwafina. HOLY SHIT, GUYS. GIVE IT TO ME NOW NOW NOW NOW. This news is so exciting on so many levels including but not limited to anything to do with a gloved or ungloved Cate Blanchett, two Asian cast members, freaking Rihanna, etc. etc. etc. The only question now is who will be No. 8? ? I have a few suggestions: Helen Mirren, Angela Bassett, Kathy Baker, Kate McKinnon, Tilda freaking Swinton.

For all those who criticize the idea of an “all-female” anything, just think for a minute. Really think. No one calls “Saving Private Ryan” and “all-male war movie” or “Reservoir Dogs” an “all-male crime caper” or “The Hangover” an “all-male gross-out comedy.” Yet, that’s what they are. And, also, pretty much, all-white to boot. The reason male is the default isn’t because male is the default experience for the world. Quite the opposite considering women make up 51 percent of the global population. It’s because of years, decades, centuries, eons of systematic and institutional conditioning to construct society in a way that benefits one and only one group of people. Dudes.

So in light of both this good news and bad news this weekend, I just want to remind menfolk at home of one thing. When women enter into what was perceived as men’s spaces it is, in fact, not an assault on your personhood. Not in the least. Instead, and this is important, it is a validation of women’s personhood.

You see? You see how that works? The world is meant to share. And, if you take even a tiny step back, you can see how ridiculous it is that we don’t. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. While we’re on the subject of men being terrible, please enjoy these women explaining why they aren’t funny. Hey, if I’m already a man-hating lesbian, best to play the part thoroughly.

Gravity of the Situation

It’s not too often I get excited about a movie that I’m almost certain will fail the Bechdel Test. But in the new space thriller “Gravity,” I just might be. It’s been another predictable summer of dudes blowing up shit at the box office. Superheroes, soldiers and spectacularly stupid stuff have crammed the theaters. The two movies I was most interested in seeing (“The Bling Ring,” “The Heat”) I missed because I’d rather spend my weekends supporting shows with amazing female casts (“Orange Is the New Black,” “Orphan Black,” “The Fosters”) that are the rule, not the exception. Don’t worry, I’ll catch those movies on Red Box of Netflix or whatever some lazy Sunday afternoon in the future. p.s. I did see “The Conjuring” in the theater which was quite good with an amazing cast and did pass Bechdel’s Test because talking with another woman about a demonic ghost totally counts.

But for now only one trailer has me most mesmerized and ready to perhaps head back into the theater. It’s “Gravity” a lost-in-space drama about two astronauts literally adrift. If you check out the on-screen cast it’s only Sandra Bullock and George Clooney. Like, no kidding, those are the only two characters in this piece. The film is from director Alfonso Cuarón, the man behind “A Little Princess,” “Y Tu Mamá También,” “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban” and “Children of Men.” And fucking hell trailer makes it look like your worst nightmare. If it’s possible to feel claustrophobic in the endless expanse of space, these clips do it.





At Comic-Con, Cuarón told the press he got predictably sexist pushback from the industry about having a female lead. Like, why do we even need one? This is a movie about space, chicks don’t need to be in space. A report from Women in Hollywood quotes him as saying:

When I finished the script, there were voices that were saying, 'well, we should change it to a male lead.' Obviously they were not powerful enough voices, because we got away with it. But the sad thing is that there is still that tendency.

You know, of all the genres, women have actually done quite well for themselves in science fiction. Think Ripley in the “Alien” franchise, think Sarah Connor in “Terminator” franchise, think Dana Scully in “The X-Files,” hell, Princess fucking Leia!

So while this movie more than likely will fail Bechdel’s golden rule about having two named female characters who take to one another about something other than a man, I think it will still advance our presence on that final frontier.

Chick flick power

I wants it. I needs it. Gives it to me now. Now. Now. Sorry, sometimes I get a little impatient when presented with things I want. Things like two movies featuring three of my favorite actresses. Also one of my favorite actors. But, as is almost always the case with me, it’s all about the ladies. Sandra Bullock, Melissa McCarthy AND Tina Fey? Yeah, we’re gonna need a bigger popcorn boat.

First, Sandra and Melissa in “The Heat.”

This is your friendly neighborhood odd-couple female buddy cop movie. Which in and of itself is awesome. Not because of the formula, necessarily – which is well tread. But that it’s two women instead of the standard two men. Thank you, “Bridesmaids.” And then there’s the matter of the two very, very funny women who make even middling material (I’m talking to you “Miss Congeniality” and “Mike & Molly” somewhat enjoyable).

Then there’s Tina and Paul Rudd in “Admission.”

Now, it too seems to follow a formula, though this time the rom-com one. But it has enough of an interesting twist – possible long-lost son given up for adoption – to make it more than your by the numbers meet cute, overcome obstacle, fall in love flick. Plus, it’s pretty hard to any human to resist the combo of Tina and Paul together. Damn near impossible, actually.

Is it next spring yet?

SGALGG: Oscars Edition

I love the Bridesmaids more than cheese. Granted, this isn’t saying a ton because I’m lactose intolerant and too much cheese makes me bloaty. But still, dammit, if I don’t love me a hunk of Camembert every now and again. You always hurt the ones you love, no? But, truly, the Bridesmaids typified what I enjoyed about this award season. Ladies enjoying each other’s company, making each other laugh and giving us all great entertainment in the process. Which, after all, is the true spirit of Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals. Sure, it’s about the touchy feely fabulosity of those fauxosexual moments. But it’s really about women being comfortable in the presence of other women and appreciating each other for the fantastic creatures that we are. So, in that spirit I give you a very special Oscars Edition of SGALGG.

Rose Byrne & Melissa McCarthyNo true drunken straight gal hookup starts without shots. Scorsese!

Viola Davis & Octavia SpencerI just love these two together. Also, this is a Viola Davis Arms Appreciation Post.

Viola Davis & Meryl StreepI just love these two together. Also, this is a Viola Davis Back Appreciation Post.

Busy Phillips & Michelle WilliamsThese two are obviously taking a couple shot for their Facebook profile pictures so they can simultaneously change their statuses to “In a Relationship.”

Gwyneth Paltrow & Penelope CruzIs it just me, or does this totally look like albino Batman is giving hot Robin a hug here?

Glenn Close & Janet McTeerGlenn’s all, “Did you see her flash those puppies in ‘Albert Nobbs?’ Yeah, keep your hands off. They’re MINE!”

Claire Danes & Rashida JonesI am overcome with the unshakeable desire to see Claire guest on “Parks & Recreation” as a grown-up Angela Chase who befriends Leslie and Ann.

Jessica Chastain & Milla JovovichI feel like they’re silently acknowledging to each other that 1) They had two of the prettiest dresses on the red carpet and 2) They’d love to see each other’s dresses in a pile on their hotel room floors.

Dianna Agron & Malin AkermanI feel like Dianna is not-so silently acknowledging the No. 2 point above.

Amy Adams & Olivia WildeReboot. I’m sorry, I think my brain short circuited for a minute from all the pretty. Reboot. I’m sorry, I think my brain short circuited for a minute from all the pretty. Reboot. I’m sorry…

Ginnifer Goodwin & Sasha AlexanderSuddenly, looking at Ginnifer’s sexy pixie cut, Jane Rizzoli is starting to feel a little insecure.

Heidi Klum & Bar RefaeliClearly they did this purposely to get into SGALGG.

Cameron Diaz & Kate HudsonPlease see above.

Miley Cyrus & Kelly OsbourneWell now it’s almost starting to feel desperate.

Amy Adams, Jennifer Westfeldt, Claire Danes & Paula PattonYou want us to do you one on one? Or two by two? Or we could do three on one? Or we could do four by four? Do four by four? Four by four.

And finally, I call these last group of pictures: Meryl Streep Seduces The World

With Sandra BullockSandy is reminding Meryl of the time they kissed and trying to impress her with her finger size.

With Rooney MaraNow is your chance, Rooney. Kiss her! Hard, on the mouth!

With Octavia SpencerAnd we’ve come full circle with the drunken straight gal hookups. Someone must have yelled Scorsese and Meryl obliged.

Bonus: Angie’s Right LegI think we should acknowledge that Angelina’s bisexual side was alive and well at the Oscars as her right leg was obviously trying to initiate a threesome with Angie & Brad.