Mask Up, Ladies

Never mind women in tank tops. These days, women properly wearing face masks in public is my new sexuality. After seeing how amazing Cate Blanchett looks in a face mask to prevent the spread of coronavirus, I thought I’d share the love. Because, and I cannot stress this point enough, all women look amazing in face masks. Why? Well, wearing a face mask means 1) you believe in science, 2) you care about other people, and 3) you aren’t an enormous asshole – at least not on the issue of spreading a potentially deadly and debilitating highly communicable respiratory illness.

I know, it seems absolutely insane that six months into a global pandemic we still have to try (largely in vain) to get more people to wear face masks. Like they’re mandated in my state (as they should be across the county) yet compliance is still hit-and-miss. But the very same people screaming about their “FREEDOMS!” are the people who keep telling Black Americans they won’t get shot by police if only they comply. But ask them to comply by putting a piece of cloth over their big, stupid mouth and nose to keep those around them healthy and you’d think we rolled the Constitution into a blunt and started smoking it in front of their faces.

Anyway. Long story short, be like Charlize, wear a damn mask. And, while you’re at it, wash your hands and fill out your Census.

Charlize Theron

I have every confidence if Charlize/Furiosa/Andy ran across you not wearing a mask, they would 100 percent kick your ass.

Janelle Monae

Giving out food to those in need and accessorizing with a hat. She can do it all.

Tilda Swinton

Masks, for humans and space aliens.

Jennifer Lopez

Ageless, flawless, but definitely not maskless. Bonus points for the tank top on a Tuesday, too.

Lady Gaga

Honestly not sure if this mask is medically sound, but it sure is hard to miss.

Naomi Osaka

Wearing the names of Black women and men killed by police on your way to winning her second U.S. Open championish is, what the kids today call, a whole mood. A very, very good mood.

Chrissy Teigen

A mask plus three pizzas? Who says the perfect human being does not exist?

Hillary Clinton

We probably wouldn’t even still have to be wearing masks if the stupid Electoral College didn’t exist.

Kamala Harris

A mask, a blazer and some Chucks. Now that’s my Vice President Straight Bette Porter.

Pretty Super

The Super Bowl is kind of a de facto national holiday here in the states. It’s a day of over indulgence and screaming at the television and watching obscenely expensive advertising – oh, and some sportsballs. So, naturally, the day after is a bit of a national hangover day.

My favorite part of the Super Bowl? Three of the ads featured lesbian public figures (Ellen and Portia’s Amazon Alexa ad, Ashlyn Harris and Ali Krieger’s Budwesier ad, and Katie Sowers’ extended Microsoft ad).

My other favorite part? Shakira and Jennifer Lopez absolutely crush it during the halftime show. Quick reminder: Sharkira is 43 and JLo is 50. Oh, and if you don’t think all that Latino excellence on one stage together – not to mention that pointed imagery of children in light cages – went unnoticed. But, mostly, just damn. Now that’s ladies showing you how to put on a damn show. So enjoy it for the first time – or again, and again, and again. I’ve got to hydrate and find the Tums.

Oscars So Oscars

So, that happened? In a year with ample great films directed by women (Greta’s “Little Women,” Lulu’s “The Farewell,” Céline’s “Portrait of a Lady on Fire,” Marielle’s “A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood,” Lorene’s “Hustlers,” Olivia’s “Booksmart”) and truly great performances by women of color (Lupita in “Us,” Awkwafina in “The Farewell,” J-Lo in “Hustlers”) how is it even mathematically possible that only one person of color was nominated in the acting categories and a big, ugly zero women were nominated for best directing in for this year’s Oscars?

Oh, yeah, because the Academy is 84% white and 69% male. That’s how. It’s always fun to hear folks complain about “identity politics” when straight white men have been supporting/promoting/celebrating/voting for other straight white men for, I dunno, fucking centuries.

I mean, apparently “Little Women” directed itself. How else can you explain its multiple best acting nominations, its best adapted screenplay nomination and its best picture nomination – but it’s lack of best director nods? Women, we’re amazing – we can make movies without ever needing to direct a single soul. What can’t we do?

Also, ScarJo getting two, yes two, nominations and Lupita, J-Lo, Awkwafina getting none? And the one black acting nomination coming for yet another role about slavery because those appear to be the only black narratives the Academy consistently recognizes? Because we really, really should.

SGALGG/GGALGG: Globes Edition

Well, I’m just going to pretend Ricky Gervais didn’t twat it up with his general everything (fuck that transphobe). Otherwise it was a night of some heartfelt speeches, and some deserving winners. A few baffling winners. And a ton of just staggeringly talented actresses all in one room together. I mean, Carol Aird and Therese Belivet and Queen Anne and Lady Sarah were all there. And many real-life couples as well. Beanie & Bonnie! Ellen & Portia! Kate McKinnon & Everyone In Their Dreams. So in a way it was really the Golden Lesbians, as it should be.

SGALGG

Cate Blanchett & Nicole Kidman

Look, Cate, I’m no Therese. But I have other qualities, I promise.

Charlize Theron & Reese Witherspoon

Reese looks like she’s about to climb Charlize and can you blame her?

Glenn Close & Jennifer Lopez

J-Lo, please cast Glenn in “Hustlers 2.”

Michelle Williams & Busy Phillips

I know they’re just “best friends,” but the way Busy cried at Michelle’s beautiful speech was pure love.

Sian Clifford & Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Yes, I know they play sisters. Still hot.

Olivia Colman & Kaitlyn Dever

I’m not a big May-December person, but if Patrick Stewart can marry a woman 39 years his junior why the fuck not? Like, this is only a 22 year difference, so…

Salma Hayek & Patricia Arquette

They didn’t do anything particularly gay, but boobs so you’re welcome.

Amy Poehler & Kerry Washington

Amy just tested Kerry’s boob tape. With consent. Always with consent.

Helen Mirren & Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Dame Helen is not above flirting to get into Phoebe’s next project.

Helen Mirren & Meryl Streep

And with Meryl, too. Shameless, shameless.

Tiffany Haddish & Awkwafina

Put them in a movie together. Make them girlfriends. What? I thought we were just saying wishes.

GGALGG

Kate McKinnon & Emily Lynne

Fine, it’s Kate’s sister, but I was fine with it for Phoebe & Sian so why the hell not.

Beanie Feldstein & Bonnie Chance Roberts

Say it all together with me, “Awwww.” Also definitely not her sister.

Ellen DeGeneres & Portia de Rossi

Ellen & Portia seem to be competing for the most Big Top Energy.

Gender Fuck Thursday: JLo Edition

I don’t know what otherworldly magics/incredible genes/hard work Jennifer Lopez is employing, but damn is it workings. I mean, dayuuuuum. She hosted “Saturday Night Live” over the weekend and legit the first three sketches were all about how attractive she is. I am in no way kidding. About her attractiveness or the redundancy of the sketches. But then, she did come out to do her opening monologue in this tuxedo.

Which then turned into some high kicks with The Rockettes.



Which then turned into her wearing That Green Dress.



So, then, I guess I can’t blame the SNL writers for being redundant. JLo is just that damn hot.

p.s. I finally saw “Hustlers” and she is very, very good in this movie. And, no, I’m not just talking about that dance scene.

SGALGG: Oscars Edition

Where there is an award show there will always be Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals. These Oscars are, of course, no different. I mean when you seat Jennifer Lopez next to Meryl Streep, what were you expecting?

Jennifer Lopez & Beyoncé

Fine, if JLo had to trade in Meryl for any other snuggle partner, I guess Queen Bey is an OK substitute. I guess.

Amy Adams & Amanda Peet

All I hear in my head when I look at this picture is “mwah, mwah, mwah” kissing sounds.

Jennifer Aniston & Emma Stone

Starting the Hugs Across America movement all over again.

Jennifer Hudson & Angie Harmon

DOES MAURA KNOW? And on a Gayzzoli Recap Day. For shame.

Reese Witherspoon & Nicole Kidman

Everyone’s a cheater today. Nicole, you’d better hope Naomi Watts doesn’t find out.

Emma Stone & Julianne Moore

This is a two-timing I approve of. I mean, I like Jen. But Julianne all day long.

Iman & Paula Patton

No cheating here. Paula kicked that Blurred Lines idiot to the curb where he belongs.

Patricia Clarkson & Sienna Miller

I’m having major “High Art” flashbacks, minus the heroin.

Natalie Portman & Rashida Jones

Fine, so they’re not acting super gay to each other. But I just dig that they’re friends.

Meryl Streep

Jacket on point.

Scarlett Johansson

Undercut on fleek.

I think Meryl speaks for all of us about Scarlett’s haircut. YAAAAASS.

SGALGG: Globes Edition

You didn’t think I’d let a big fancy dress up party with shiny trophies go by without a heaping helping of Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals. Granted, the evening had Gay Gals Acting Like Out Gay Gals thanks to Jodie Foster. (p.s. Love how the camera operator panicked when the gay stuff started and panned to the nearest lesbian, Jane Lynch.) Still, nothing like a bunch of fancy frocks to make a gal feel pretty and witty and gay. And they ladies spread the love around liberally this year. And with so many lovelies about, wouldn’t you too?

Anne Hathaway & Amanda Seyfried

The way they were snuggling on the stage during “Les Miserables’” big win made me think we had secretly crashed their wedding.

Anne Hathaway & Jessica Chastain

Well, I’d want a hug with those arms, too, Anne.

When hugging it out doesn't do it, by all means resort to kissing it out.

Lena Dunham & Girls

It's mandatory for all winning costars to snuggle at the Globes. I approve.

Lena Dunham & Julia Louis-Dreyfus

I find a big smooch soothes a los quite well, too.

Vanessa Hudgens & Selena Gomez

Once the envy of tween girls everywhere, now the object of affection of an entirely different group of girls – tweens and otherwise.

Vanessa Hudgens & Ashley Tisdale

They look like guests attending Anne and Amanda’s wedding.

Tina Fey & Amy Poehler

NOW KISS, TIMES INFINITY.

Tina & Amy Redux

This is what I imagine they look like after the aforementioned mandatory makeout session.

Thandie Newton & Lucy Liu

Yet another couple of invitees to the Hathaway-Seyfried nuptials. I wonder what they bought off the registry.

Jennifer Lopez & Jessica Alba

The girl to the left behind them is thinking one thing: Threeway!

BONUS: GGALGG

Coming out has clearly made Jodie want to do a little dance, make a little love and get down tonight.