Aloha Your Gays

Look, I know “NCIS: Hawaii” wasn’t really a great show. But it was a perfectly serviceable crime procedural with a likable cast with good chemistry and beautiful Hawaiian landscapes and GAYS. So, obviously I’m bummed that last night’s season finale is its series finale after three seasons. Now it joins the heap of cancelled shows with queer characters. Lucy and Whistler deserve better! We all deserve better! They are among a staggering 36% of LGBTQ+ characters not returning to our televisions next season. So, in case you were wondering, Cancel Your Gays continues unabated. So instead of seeing increasing numbers of inclusive LGBTQ+ characters on our screens, we’re seeing diminishing returns. One step forward, how many steps back now? While the third season hasn’t had nearly enough Lucy and Whistler action (and threw in some gay-ish female killers), the one episode where they played newlyweds is a reminder of what we’re losing. Sigh. Where else will I scratch my crime procedural AND my cute crime-solving TV lesbians who work together itch now? Someone please make really gay Rizzoli & Isles, I’m literally begging.

Honeymoon Period

Look, I don’t want to still be the person in this year of our Lesbian Jesus 2024 who gives out golf claps for major network shows that do the bare minimum when representing queer female couples. But can I just give a sincere golf clap to “NCIS: Hawaii” for finally remembering that Lucy and Whistler are the best/cutest/sexiest part of their show and they should put them together more, finally? Look, it’s still on CBS so we have to give them plenty of positive reinforcement. They’re new to all this, OK?

The third season of the NCIS spinoff has been a rather light on the lady law enforcement ladies loving lady law enforcement ladies action until now. One small peck and a joke about mochi is all we got. But when I read the description for this week’s episode which said “the team goes undercover as newlyweds” and I knew, I knew, they just had put Yasmine Al-Bustami’s NCIS agent Lucy Tara and Tori Anderson’s FBI Special Agent Kate Whistler together for a mission of sapphic subterfuge.

And they did! And it was great! And they bickered! And they kissed! On a balcony! With the freaking ocean as backdrop! And nary an eye was batted that they were playing lesbian newlyweds! See, CBS, you can do this.

And then this scene? Casual/not casual discussion of wedding expectations from a queer standpoint and subtle reminder that not everyone is allowed to have the same dreams. Again, golf clap, CBS. Though, come on, there’s no way Lucy would have resisted climbing that tree at the beginning there as they were hiding.

I’m going to need a lot more of these two this season, please. And more smooching. Look, you gotta earn those claps, CBS.

My Weekend Crush

Please, everyone, light a joyful candle for Kacy (our favorite fictional federal law enforcement duo of Lucy Tara and Kate Whistler). With the slew of queer shows that have been canceled recently (also light a memorial candle for the complex, messy “Queer As Folk” reboot, which became the latest Cancel Your Gays victim), Lucy and Kate are still holding strong on “NCIS: Hawai'i.” Did I expect one of my favorite, life-affirming wlw couples on TV right now to come from a standard-issue mainstream CBS crime procedural? No. Am I thrilled they’ve made their relationship the show’s most fun and minimally complicated relationship to date? Yes. Do I want nothing but “smiles and sunshine” for these two with easily solved “problems” like, “Oh, no I haven’t told my boss I’m dating a woman, but we all already know it’ll be fine.” Yes, very much yes.

Look, I like intense, complicated, unnerving lesbian drama as much as the next queer lady. But I also like to enjoy cupcake couples who offer needed representation and unadulterated joy for its queer followers. And, so far, the series has delivered in the second season, already giving us several glimpses of their domestic bliss, oversized breakfasts and many, many kisses. Bring the smoochies, bring them, show! Why do you think “Heartstopper” is so popular with The Youths? More joy, more smiles, more sunshine.

p.s. Yes, I realize most fictional representation of law enforcement adds to the inaccurate mythologization of police and largely amount to copaganda. I can know how deeply fucked up and flawed our criminal justice system is while still rooting for a fictional TV couple to smooch.

p.p.s. Oooh, if you’ve got a thing for brunettes you’re gonna LOVE the next episode because someone goes undercover with a new hair color per these new production stills.

Law & Lesbians

Streaming services give us a seemingly endless supply of quality (or at very least trashy and addictive) content in small, bingeable doses. In the past month alone we’ve completed “White Lotus,” “Nine Perfect Strangers” and most of “Only Murders in the Building.” They’re so easy to digest because most of these seasons run 8 to 10 episodes, 12 if you’re lucky.

But then there’s good old-fashioned broadcast TV. You know, the kind that runs 22 to 24 episodes as reliably as the sun rises and sets each day. I’ll be honest, I haven’t latched on to too many new broadcast series these past few years because, um, they usually aren’t as interesting. But one thing our reliable square friends are good at doing on broadcast TV that can sucker me in every time is your friendly neighborhood crime procedural.

And, dammit, if I’m not sucked in all over again thanks to “NCIS: Hawai’i.” The spin-off of the “NCIS” universe (yes, I know, groan) is as pleasantly predictable as you’d expect from a cheesy cop show on primetime American television. But, dammit again, if I haven’t already set up a series recording for two reasons.

Because, one, they made Vanessa Lachey the series lead, one of the first times that I can tell that a solo female actress has been at the head of major crime procedural franchise like this (and not automatically paired with a co-lead male actor). Even her character bio lists her as “first female Special Agent in Charge of NCIS Pearl Harbor.” Meanwhile solo dudes a plenty leading the teams on “NCIS,” “NCIS: Los Angeles,” “NCIS: New Orleans,” “CSI,” “CSI: Miami,” “CSI: NY, “Criminal Minds,” “Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior, “Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders” and so on, and so forth…

And, two, because they made two of the show’s female stars gay for each other from the start. Yasmine Al-Bustami plays NCIS agent Lucy Tara, part of Lachey’s team, and Tori Anderson plays Defense Intelligence Agency agent Kate Whistler, who they seem to be positioning as often at odds with the NCIS team over chain of commands issues. So, you know, work AND romantic tension abounds. The series begins with their Will They/Won’t They status firmly in the “Already Did It” category. And now it seems the two women are trying to, uh, keep things professional with very unprofessional results.

Is there already a shipper name? Who can resist a short, feisty brunette with a tall, coldish blonde dynamic? Not me, clearly. I am weak. And the Will They Keep It Up/Won’t They dynamic is more delicious because, FUCK, we’re all adults and no one is vying for valedictorian of chastity school here. The show is from a trio of creators including Jan Nash, who #Gayzolli fans will remember as The Lady Who Took Over As Showrunner From Janet on “Rizzoli & Isles.” But here, they’re actually gay for each other — what a concept! Right now they’re the only overt romantic coupling on the show which, again, what a concept! (Though they are very unsubtly trying to play out the Will They/Won’t They between Lachey and Enver Gjokaj’s ridiculously square-jawed Navy Captain. Gotta give the straight something, I guess.)

Also, I see Whistler drinking wine out of a repurposed jar. Hello, lesbian culture.

Also, I see you little lip bite. Now that’s not even playing fair. Queer gal Kryptonite right there.

Now, I know what you’re thinking already. Is this just Copaganda? Of course! Yes! Abso-fucking-lutely! Our national (international - more on that tomorrow) love of police procedurals helps elevate a heroic mythology about law enforcement that all too often sadly does not hold up under closer (or truly any) scrutiny. But, obviously, these kinds of shows draw us in with soothing narratives about good guys conquering bad guys in a neat 42-minute package each week. Do I still watch it if they put a strong female lead in charge and/or make some of the strong female characters smash with other strong female characters? Of course! Yes! Abso-fucking-lutely! As I’ve already fully confessed, I am weak and clearly easily manipulated by the media.

Anyway, I sure hope they keep the fireworks up between these two because for me they elevate what is essentially your solid B crime procedural to Must Watch status. Again, I am weak and the prospect of 22 to 24 episodes with the chance of lady flirts and hookups throughout sounds pretty OK to me. You’d better not just feed us table scraps on this relationship, show. We want and deserve to feast.

p.s. Was I the only one who thought Whistler came out of her room in only that sweater? The scourge of flesh-toned pants strikes again (plus, I was watching on an iPad so, uh, time to check the prescription).