Service terminated

WARNING: Contains major spoilers for “Lip Service” episode 2. Also, a lot of curse words. And, yes, even a mention of Ilene Chaiken. Forgive me, it is all unfortunately unavoidable.

Right, so, HOLY FREAKING HELL WHAT THE GOOD GOD ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Um, they killed Cat. Like they really, really very, very killed Cat. I believe the sequence was Cat, text, car, dead. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. More than 24 hours after watching the episode and I’m still equal parts shocked and perplexed. And, much like the now very dead Cat’s signature facial expression, I have furrowed brow that just won’t quit.

In the interest of rational discussion and to prevent me from just repeating eight paragraphs worth of expletives, I feel it’s best to approach the whole “OH MY GOD THEY KILLED CAT” issue from a variety of angles, one at a time.

First, let’s talk story. As far as storytelling devices go killing off a major character can be high risk but also high reward. Think killing Joyce on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” Think killing Rita on “Dexter.” Think killing Gary on “Thirtysomething.” (Anyone here old enough to remember Thirtysomething? Anyone? Moving on.) But with risk comes failure and we only need to say the name Dana and gay ladies the world over shake their fists at an angry sky and scream, “Damn you, Ilene Chaiken, damn you to hell!”

This falls somewhere between those two. This is no “The Body.” The emotional resonance just wasn’t there. It wasn’t. Cat, while integral, is not as beloved. In fact my most prevalent emotion when seeing her was baffled annoyance. You have the perfect girlfriend, you tit. Stop mucking it up with that bean pole. So I can’t entirely say I’m sad to see her go. So in terms of losing Cat as a character, I’ll take it with a shoulder shrug and move on. (Though, this is nothing against the lovely Laura Fraser – who did the very best brow furrowing she could with a character whose entire existence revolved around fastidious indecision.)

Next, let’s talk about execution. Sure, they killed Cat – but how did they do while doing it? Here I’d say I give them good marks for showing how utterly horrible the sudden death of a loved one can be. Because watching that hour of television was utterly horrible. The painful silence. The awkward decisions. The terrible emptiness. It was a pretty miserable hour of television because death is pretty miserable business.

But then, sometimes it isn’t. Don’t get me wrong, death is death and it’s always bad. Still I can say from personal experience that amid the horrible sadness can also be glimpses of, dare I say it, the unstoppable human spirit. That thing that propels us to go on, love each other, do better, try harder. We didn’t see that – not one bit. Granted, it’s early. Cat just died. Everyone’s still in shock. It’s all so utterly horrible and raw. But let’s hope it’s coming, let’s hope really hard.

And finally, let’s talk impact. While I’m a tad “meh” about killing off Cat as a character, I’m 100 percent “WTF” about killing off Cat the character with relationships with all the other characters. Because this is where Cat’s death will have the biggest effect. Cat, for all her flaws, was a bit like the glue. Obviously there was the triangle with Sam and Frankie. Then her brother and Tess. So her death won’t just have a ripple effect; it’ll be a monster tsunami. And this is where I feel the writers went wrong. Sure, they felt painted into a corner because Laura was leaving for another show (which, by the way, she was ultimately dropped from – doh!), but there are so many other ways to make a character scarce that don’t blow up an entire season like killing her did.

And, make no mistake, that is what the writers have done – they’ve detonated a bomb on Season 2. When you kill a major, major character off in the second episode of a brand new season you ensure that that entire season will be about dealing with the repercussions of that death. When The Chaiken did in Season 3 of “The L Word” she at least had the decency to do it with only two episodes left. Sure, it still sucked big, hairy donkey balls. But then they were able to regroup after the season, pretend enough time had passed and move the fuck on.

“Lip Service,” on the other hand, has made moving on damn near impossible and that means more than likely we’re in for a lot of sad, angry, depressed, confused and gloomy lesbians on our TV. Oh, goody. Just what I always wanted. While we’re at it, does anyone feel like clubbing some baby seals for fun? Look, there are so few shows just about gay women on the television that it seems a damn shame to make the one we have such a bummer. And while I certainly don’t think that artists have a mandated responsibility to make all queer programming smiley, happy, sunshiney goodness, I can’t help but feel disappointed. This is not the TV show I signed up for. This is not the sexy, sudsy lesbian drama I dreamed about.

The thing is, it didn’t have to go this way. Sure, they were handcuffed by the need to write off Laura’s character. But death seems like the most severe and unforgiving way to handle the situation. She could have freaked out and left. I mean, it worked for Frankie. She could have gotten another job and left. Sure, also sudden, but less devastating for the other characters. Hell, she could have been replaced with another actress. I mean, it worked for “Bewitched.” Anything but this. Anything but turning it into a big lesbian downer.

I hope I’m wrong. I hope the writers do something amazing. I hope they find a way to bring back that something special, make us all smile again. I really do. But for now, and for I’m guessing the foreseeable future, my prevalent emotions remain HOLY FREAKING HELL WHAT THE GOOD GOD ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Excellent Service

So, remember how I was super excited about the return of a show with inferred lesbian subtext? Guess what, I’m also super excited about the return of a show with real lesbian stories. See. I’m no monster. I can be a rational, fact-based consumer of televised programming, too. And, believe me, my excitement is very, very real. It seems like forever since we last got a taste of Lip Service, probably because it has been kind of forever. The first season ended in November 2010. So we’ve gone well over a year without having a major show on our televisions just about women who sleep with women. Granted, it’s about more than that. We aren’t just our naughty bits. But, be honest, we really love this show because we don’t have to use a straight filter or gay goggles when watching. We can just enjoy the pure, unadulterated lady lust. Can I get an ahymen?

You know, as much as we complained – and boy did we complain – about The L Word, we also watched the hell out of it. Because it was ours and ours alone. And there is still, in 2012, a real hunger to see ourselves reflected back to us. While representation has gotten better – we’re sprinkled through a dozen or so North American shows right now – it’s still in many ways limited. And while it’s great to be part of ensembles, heavens is it fun to watch us all in a group.

p.s. What in good God have they done to poor Laura Fraser’s face? It’s like “When Photoshop Attacks: Demon Head Replacement.” Well at least Hot Cop looks good. We’d have come after them if torches if they touched Hot Cop’s face.

p.s. I got so excited for the lesbian action I forgot to tell you that Lip Service returns Friday, April 20 on the BBC3.

Hungry eyes

Lesbians have a love/hate relationship with lesbian movies. We love to watch them, but we hate how bad they often are. As any nascent lesbian going through her I-must-consume-every-lesbian-movie-ever-made phase can tell you, not all lesbian movies are created equal. In fact, don’t tell the religious right this, but instead of using their so-called “ex-gay” therapies, they’d have much better results by forcing us to watch “Bar Girls” and “Claire of the Moon” on a continuous loop. They’re almost bad enough to turn even the gayest gal straight. Almost.

So this weekend, I thought I’d have a lezzer movie binge and watch one I’d never seen before. Somehow, despite my best intentions, I’d never had a chance to catch “Nina’s Heavenly Delights.” This is kind of crazy considering 1) the cast is crazy gorgeous and 2) it’s about food. Hello, gorgeous people and food consumer a good 85 percent of my waking thoughts. And it was also nice to see Shelley Conn and Laura Fraser in earlier roles, since I’ve seen both subsequently in other projects (“Mistresses” and “Lip Service,” most recently).

Was it a great film? No. Choppy plotting, uneven characterizations, contrived situations. Also, I could have done without ghost dad. I felt at any minute Whoopi Goldberg might show up and say, “Nina, you in danger, girl.” But it was cute in its own way and had so much pretty to look at in the form of Shelley and Laura that I can forgive it some of its sins. But, yeah, it’s not going on my iPhone next to “Imagine Me and You,” or anything.

What it did give us was one truly sexy moment between Shelley’s Nina and Laura’s Lisa. And I’m not talking about any of the kisses, though they were nice. They really were. But, what I thought worked best in the film was its hunger. And not just for chicken xacuti. I mean the other kind of hunger. Laura in particular does a lovely job of conveying her hunger, with her big eyes and eager face. It’s also a testament to her acting abilities that I find her entirely winsome in this film whereas I find Cat on “Lip Service” a tad irritating. But right, back to the scene.

Right, now if the whole movie had been like those 19 seconds, well, that would have been truly heavenly.