Snarker Takes a Vacation

Ms. Snarker is taking a much-needed vacation. A girl can get exhausted from all that snark. I'll be back next Wednesday. Cheers.

Everything coming up Rosie?

ABC released its first cast photo of The new View with Rosie and without Meredith Vieira and Star Jones. I'm glad Star's gone, but oh Meredith, Meredith - wherefore art though Meredith? Not to be mean (oh fuck it, let's be mean) but the hot factor has decreased precipitously with her departure. It will be very interesting to see, when the show premieres Sept. 5, how the new chemistry works. Having an out lesbian who has no qualms about being a loud-mouth join an already acerbic crew will be a test for American audiences. And she is supposed to be the moderator of the group. My evil side wished Star had stayed for just a little while so we could see those two throw down. Now that would have made for some awesome television. It will also be interesting to see whether Rosie keeps up her odd, haiku-esque stream-of-consciousness postings at her blog Rosie. Will Barbara allow it? Stay tuned...

Emmys: Not So Gay

The gay and lesbian quotient was harder to find than Waldo at the Emmy Awards telecast Sunday night. A quick rundown of the kinda, sorta, totally gay moments from the show:

• Law & Order: SVU star Christopher Meloni racing across stage on a Segway and thanking his imaginary chiropractor’s lover in the process.
• Leslie Jordan quipping his statuette for guest actor in a comedy series win was “the first woman I ever slept with.”
• Barry Manilow
• Clip from “Weeds” where Elizabeth Perkins asks Mary Louise-Parker non-chalantly if she’d ever slept with a woman, or would want to. Damn, now I wish I watched Weeds more often.
• Commercial for new series “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip” featuring out actress Sarah Paulson (Hey, we’ll take any vaguely GLBT content we can get, OK?)
• Stephen Colbert greeting the crowd with, “Good evening, Godless sodomites.”
  
  
  

Can a dick dance?

A while back, Tucker Carlson was spectacularly called out by Jon Stewart (My own personal Jesus, even though he is Jewish…) for being a major league dick. And, as if to prove that he has no shame whatsoever, the tie-wearing conservative squawk box is now a “Dancing With the Stars” contestant. All I have to say is that sometimes, you just have to sit back and soak in the delicious humiliation that life dishes out at someone else’s expense. He looks like even more of a dick with his spray on tan and Staying Alive shirt than I even though possible.

Here We Are Now, Under-represent Us

It's Less Moes, Mo' Problems on network TV these days. The Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation released its 11th annual study examining the diversity of the upcoming television season and the results were not so pretty, witty or gay. LGBT characters make up 1.3 percent of series regular characters on the six major broadcast networks for the 2006-07 schedule. The loss of Will and Jack from the primetime lineup means that this coming season slips to only eight gay male characters and one lesbian among the leading/supporting characters. Yes, you read that right, ONE LESBIAN. Hell, I could throw a rock in any direction at the supermarket and hit more lesbians than that. Long story short, when it comes to your regularly scheduled programming, the major network programmers think gay is not OK. Whatever. All the good shows are on cable anyway.

Attack of the Pants

Oh dear. Something has gone seriously, seriously awry with Paula Abdul’s pants. They appear to have swallowed two-thirds of her body. Or, perhaps Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson have finally had enough of her incoherent ramblings and decided to give her the mother of all wedgies. Either way, these pants redefine the term “high waisted.” And not in a good way. Click on the image to enlarge these monstrosities.
UPDATE: Those adorable Fug girls agree with me. These pants look like an aborted attempt at a body stalking. It is as if she had been thinking about bringing the onesie back, but then decided the world needed to be introduced to them in baby steps.

Kelly FUCKINROCKSTAR Clarkson

So, I've always considered Kelly Clarkson the most talented and refreshing of the American Idol victors. And, staged or not, this "impromptu" performance by her, the lead singer of Yellowcard (whose name is Ryan Key and whose new occupation is apparently Kelly Clarkson's boyfriend) and the hair band Metal Skool is fun to watch. She plays air guitar, chugs Chivas and sings "Sweet Child of Mine." See it here. Rock on wit ya bad self, Miss Independent.

Loving them lovely lady lumps?

Oh good, more gay for pay quotes from married female celebrities. Christina Aguilera gave an interview to New York’s HX magazine praising the female form. I agree with her wholeheartedly about the appeal of naked women versus naked men, but do such “revelations” always have to coincide with times when people have a product to sell? I’m crazy about the barn-burning retro groove Christina has on “Ain’t No Other Man.” But, she sings, “Ain’t no other MAN,” not “Ain’t No Other Halle Berry.” Plus, these bisexual revelations would be a lot more convincing if they didn’t keep choosing such obvious crushes. Halle Berry. Angelina Jolie. Jessica Alba. Puh-lease. Someone say Frances McDormand or Laura Linney or Kate Winslet and now you’ve got my attention.

Sometimes, you’ve got to say what the fuck

Raise your finger is you’re sure. More one-fingered salutes from the famous and pissed off. Here are new parents Michelle Williams and Heath Leadger telling the press to stick their cameras where the sun don’t shine while vacationing in Mexico. Of course, the irony is that pictures like these garner more attention than the boring shots of people lounging on deck chairs in assorted sunny locales. I like his sign though, just in case the photographers didn't understand the universal language of flashing the bird.

Cheeseburgers now banned from paradise

Nicole Richie really is a body image nightmare. She looks like - and I don’t say this lightly - an Auschwitz survivor. I’ve juxtaposed a photo of her on the beach last week with a clever celebrity parody by 14 of Gallery of the Absurd. But, from the looks of things, Nicole’s skeletal frame has gone beyond simply amusing to downright frightening. This is made more disturbing by the fact that countless young girls worship at the altar of celebrity these days. Though, if they insist on deifying such anorexic anomalies, perhaps they should consider bearing offerings of cheeseburgers and chili fries to place at their feet.
[source, source]
8/16/06 UPDATE: Seriously, it's so much worse than we thought. Look at the weight she has lost in a scant three months. Scary. Very scary.

Astute social commentary, sans words

Jodie, Jodie, Jodie. Back in Brooklyn, Jodie Foster has a wordless hello for the paparazzi from the stoop of her West Village apartment. She looks butch and pissed. But – my, oh my - look at how long her finger is. I am going to leave that one without comment. Enjoy more butch and pissed photos of Jodie from the set of “The Brave One” here. These are even better than the Jodie and a Gun shots from last week.
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Oh the gender-bendy goodness

Electro-punk gender-bender and all-around badass Peaches has a new, interesting video out called "Downtown."Personally, I think she looks hot in a tux.

If you're not familiar with Peaches, she performed at The Planet in season 2 of the "L Word" and can be heard coochie-cooing it up with P!nk on the sexy single "Oh My God" (Which, if you haven't heard it, you should. Cause, damn).

You talking to me?

Now, here is another actress who has picked similar roles of late (independent women facing sudden crisis) whose choices aren't grating on me. Jodie Foster may be playing a lot of "in jeopardy" parts, yet they haven't gotten old. I guess "Panic Room," "Flight Plan" and now "The Brave One" are proof that we never tire of seeing Ms. Foster kick serious ass.

Plus, DAMN, look at her arms. I love women with sinewy forearms. And I love a woman with sinewy forearms brandishing a firearm. Check that, a big gun.



These are shots of Jodie filming "The Brave One" in Brooklyn this week. In the movie, Jodie plays a woman recovering from a brutal attack who seeks revenge. Kind of sounds like "The Accused" without the lawyers.
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An open letter to Sarah Michelle Gellar

Dear Sarah Michelle Gellar,

You know I LOVED you in Buffy. Girl, you were fierce. I own all seven seasons on DVD. I may or may not (but let’s face it, it’s more likely may) own a couple Buffy action figures.

That said, I feel I must say this for the good of your career and my image of you as an actress who does not suck.

Please, stop making supernatural thrillers. Just stop. Stop it now.

I just saw this trailer for “The Return,” and let me tell you, it sounds an awful lot like “The Grudge.” You know: a bad thing happens, the bad thing comes back and now the bad thing is after Sarah Michelle Gellar, but this time she has brown hair. Someone wake me from my been-there, done-that, bored-now coma.

I noticed on IMBD that you have a couple romantic comedies in the works (though to be honest, those haven’t – cough, “Simply Irresistible,” cough – worked out so well for you in the past) and a few dramatic ensemble pieces. These are all good signs.

Because if I ever see you looking scared in another supernatural thriller that doesn’t have “Buffy” attached to the title, I’ll put a stake through your heart myself. Metaphorically, of course, not in a creepy stalker way.

Yours,
Ms. Snarker

I need snakes off a plane, STAT!

Something tells me this is not what Julianna Margulies had in mind when she left ER.

I mean, when your costar goes from George Clooney to an angry python you have to start wondering about your career choices. Sure, the movie has garnered unprecedented internet buzz because of its B-movie title and plot. (You’ve got snakes. You’ve got a plane. You’ve got a blockbuster, baby!). But I doubt she ever thought when she turned down $27 million to stay one more season on ER in 2000 that a scant six years later she would be wielding an axe at a some slithery menaces while Samuel L. Jackson screamed, “I want these motherfucking snakes off the motherfucking plane!”

Deep down, you know Julianna was hoping this movie would die the quick direct-to-video death it probably deserves, she would collect a tidy paycheck and the world would keep wondering, “Whatever happened to that nice Nurse Hathaway?”

Just wild about Harry

Warner Bros. has announced that the sixth installment of the beloved Harry Potter series will be coming to a theatre near you November 21, 2008. Yes, that is right, in a little more than two years you can revel in the wizardy goodness that is “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.” Never mind that the film has no director or no cast yet. Trifles! It has a release date and that is what matters.

In other slightly older, but more immediately satisfying Potter news, the in-production fifth installment of the franchise, “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix,” has announced a delectable new cast members. Namely, Helena Bonham Carter (you know, from “A Room With a View,” “Fight Club,” “Corpse Bride”) who has joined the endless parade of esteemed UK actors to hop on board (think Michael Gambon, Emma Thompson, Ralph Fiennes, Gary Oldman, Maggie Smith). "Order of the Phoenix" rises into cineplexes July 13, 2007.

Oh, and well-known authors Stephen King and John Irving have asked Potter creator J.K. Rowling not to kill off her best boy wizard in final book. Because, you know, they’ve never off-ed major characters in print.

Oh, and one more thing. If you want to see Potter’s privates, prepare your passport. Daniel Radcliffe will appear in a London stage as “a stable boy who has an erotic relationship with his horses.” The role requires him to appear naked and “symbolically blind six horses.” Yeah. I'm just going to let that one speak for itself.

Look ... Pretty.

Just because it is a Monday and just because we could all use a little more beauty in our lives, I bring you: Angelina Jolie.


Yes, I know it’s a cliché to drool over Angelina Jolie. But, really, how can you not. These are photos of Maddox, Zahara and Shiloh's mama working it for the St. John clothing line. Her face is so ridiculously perfect your eye keeps scanning it for flaws.

He ain't heavy, he's my anti-Semite

I must say, I've grown weary of the long, depressing and endless Mel-o-Drama surrounding the anti-Semitic remarks hear 'round the world. I strongly disagree with Mel Gibson's strict unyielding, right-wing doctrine (nor do I tolerate his current or past racist, sexist and homophobic remarks), but I think this whole debacle has ventured into a sad place where we're all now just reveling in the schadenfreude of it all. I wish there was a way we, as a people, could actually find that "path to healing" that Mel professed to want in his second (though probably not last) public apology. Wouldn't it be amazing if, from a crazed moment of bigotry, some truer understanding and perhaps acceptance of everyone's differences occurred. What can I say, I'm a dreamer.

Today, longtime Gibson friend Jodie Foster weighted in on the whole debacle in a Los Angeles Times article. I was wondering when/if she might speak up. The two are close pals which, at least in my mind, speaks somewhat to his character. (Or against hers?) Plus - while she has never confirmed this publicly - all signs point to the simple truth that she is a gay woman. Jodie has always struck me as very, very smart. I would hope a very, very smart (gay) person would not be buddy-buddy with a complete bigot. But hell, what do I know.

Here is what she had to say about Mel. You can read the whole article here (free registration required).

(Those) sentiments were shared by longtime Gibson friend Jodie Foster, who, upon hearing the news while on the New York set of her new film, refused to believe it."Someone told me what had happened, and I said, 'That is just so not true,' " she said. When it was confirmed, Foster said, she was stricken with deep sadness that a man she considers "one of the nicest, most honest men I have ever met" had taken such a fall. Although she and Gibson speak regularly, Foster had no idea he was drinking again."Is he an anti-Semite? Absolutely not," Foster said. "But it's no secret that he has always fought a terrible battle with alcoholism. I just wish I had been there, that I had been able to say, 'Don't do it. Don't take that drink.' "

Like Devlin, she does not believe that drunkenness excuses hurtful remarks, but she bristles at accusations in the media that Gibson is using his alcoholism as a "get out of jail free" card from charges of anti-Semitism."It is a horrible disease, and it affects everyone differently," Foster said. "I do not have personal experience with addiction, but I have seen it take many paths in people I know. For some, it is a soft slide off the barstool, and some experience true psychotic episodes."

She points to friends Christian Slater -who has had many drunken run-ins with the law, including a 1997 scuffle with a police officer after allegedly hitting his girlfriend - and Robert Downey Jr. as examples of the personality-changing effects that drinking can have on the alcoholic."Would I have believed Christian Slater, who is the nicest, gentlest man in the world, would hit a woman? No," Foster said. "Or Downey, you cannot find anyone in the film business who does not love Downey, and look at some of his exploits.""Mel is honest, loyal, kind," she said, "but alcoholism has been a lifelong struggle for him and his family." (The actor and his wife, Robyn, have been married for 26 years and have seven children.)

Do you think you’re capable of playing sadness?

Now, here is a film with some overt lesbian context. Sadly, it’s overt content involving the murdered bisexual title character and another living bisexual femme fatale. But, hey, we’ll take whatever gay glimmers we can get.

The trailer for “The Black Dahlia” is up at Yahoo! Movies. It has a decidedly noir feel, which makes sense given the time period and subject matter. For those unfamiliar with the story, the Black Dahlia murder case caused a sensation in 40s Los Angeles. Aspiring actress Elizabeth Short (nicknamed The Black Dahlia after her death) was found murdered and mutilated in a vacant lot on Jan. 15, 1947. The crime remains unsolved to this day.

I’m having some trouble warming to Josh Hartnett as gumshoe narrator. His voice is so flat. Plus, he has always struck me as just another one of those good-looking, moderately-talented man-child actors. You know, pretty to look at but not much there. Still, I guess I should reserve judgment until I see the whole thing.

However, Hartnett is surrounded with a killer (no pun intended…ok, some pun intended) cast. Elizabeth - seen only in flashback, I believe - is played by our very own Jenny Schecter (or Mia Kirshner as she insists on being called in the real, non-L, world). Hartnett’s vampy sometimes lady-loving dame is played by Hilary Swank. Aaron Eckhart plays a LAPD sergeant with his own lovely lady friend, a glam Scarlett Johansson.

The trailer’s whiff of gay content involves Hilary purring to Hartnett: “Elizabeth and I made love once. I just did it to see what it would be like to be with someone who looked like me.” (Hey, Hilary, have you met Keira? She’s been asking herself that very same question…) Look for the film in theaters Sept. 15.

It's oh so quiet, and so peaceful until...

Damn. I just checked out the trailer for Jamie Babbit's sophomore release "The Quiet" and color me impressed. The out director behind the campy coming-of-age lesbian comedy "But I'm a Cheerleader" returns to the big screen with an intense, dark family drama. From the looks of things Babbit hasn't lost her knack for picking pretty casts. The film, slated for limited released in New York/Los Angeles starting Aug. 25, stars Camilla Belle ("When a Stranger Calls") and Elisha Cuthbert ("24").

Belle plays Dot, a deaf teen who is suddenly orphaned and sent to live with her godparents and their daughter Nina (Cuthbert). But all is not shiny or happy with her new family where dark secrets and darker desires lurk underneath. Nina is a popular cheerleader (Hey, Jamie, I sense a theme) with, shall we say, issues. The trailer shows no overt lesbian content, but there are a few splashes of subtext. (Nina's cheerleader friend asks her, "How do you know if you're a good kisser?" They then share a look that lasts a beat too long…) Plus, there is all that whispering Nina does in Dot's ear.

The Hollywood Reporter ran a full feature on Babbit and her new film today. Edie Falco and Martin Donovan also star as Nina's parents. Check out more on "The Quiet" here and here for trailers and other goodies. That's it. I'm sold. Bring on the popcorn.

8/4/06 UPDATE: Wow, I just found a ton of extras including interviews with Jamie, Elisha and more plus several exclusive clips from the movie over at iFilm. Check them all out here. Jamie does, however, quash our little gay hopes by saying outright, "This is not a gay movie." Oh well, we can always dream. Jamie also confirms my own first impressions of the film, namely its mix of "American Beauty" and "Heavenly Creatures."

They're cousins, identical cousins all the way...

Is it an act of extreme self-esteem hubris to date one's own clone? Keira Knightley is a lovely young lass. And talented to boot. But seeing her here, dressed strangely similarly to her doppelganger boyfriend Rupert Friend just amplifies the "I'm fucking myself" quotient of their relationship. I've heard about seeking a mother or father figure, but seeking out your own figure is just weird.

Ladies and gentlemen...rock and roll

I must say, this news kind of makes me feel old. MTV is 25 today. Pretty soon, the channel will be too old to fit in its own demographic. I know I am. I've long since abandoned MTV to its own worst devices. But I will say, back in the day I thought Music Television was the shit. I remember laboring over an impeccable MTV logo instead of paying attention in algebra. Ahhh, youth.

So "Happy Birthday" ya big galoot. Video really did kill the radio star. Though, I believe the Pussycat Dolls are a sign of devolution. And Paris Hilton is clearly a harbinger of the apocalypse.

You can watch MTV's first hour of broadcast, commercials and all, on the MTV website. I'm fairly certain this is the most exposure the Split Enz and Cliff Richard have received since, well, 1981.

Why is this man smiling?

As I watch the spectacle surrounding Mel Gibson's latest masterpiece,"When Movies Stars Go Wildly Anti-Semitic," I've noticed a disturbing trend coming from certain factions. Namely, the heavy blaming of the bottle and the heavier playing of the pity card. Something along the lines of, "Poor Mel. Isn't alcoholism terrible. Brave of him to seek help."

What? Hello? Is this thing on?

The man ranted to the deputy: "Fucking Jews...The Jews are responsible for all the wars on the world...Are you a Jew?"

The same man told Diane Sawyer two years ago that he was categorically not anti-Semitic and that "for me, it goes against the tenets of my faith to be racist in any form. To be anti-Semitic is a sin. To be anti-Semitic is to be un-Christian. And I'm not."

Sooooo, let me get this straight. You're not anti-Semitic, but the tequila you consumed was. Fucking tequila. It's probably Jewish!

His racist remarks were just the tip of the iceberg on Mr. Gibson's Wild Ride. He vowed to get revenge on the arresting officer saying he "owned" Malibu. He called a female officer "sugar tits." He even tried to pee on the jail floor.

What can I say, the man is pure class.

Mr. The Passion of the Christ issued an apology over the weekend saying that he "acted like a person completely out of control" and said things that he did not "believe to be true and which are despicable" because of his "disease of alcoholism." On Monday, the obligatory statement was issued that he had checked into rehab.

You know what, Mel is right. Alcoholism is a terrible disease. But it's one that can be treated and controlled. Ignorance and hatred, those are even more insidious and the recidivism rate is killer.

UPDATE: Looks like Mel has gone mea culpa crazy. Here is his second, more contrite, more directly apologetic statement where he reaches out to the Jewish community. He is "not a bigot" and he wants to meet one-on-one with Jewish leaders to discuss the "path for healing." My thoughts? Oy vey.