Sweet Georgia

You know, I think in the heat of last week’s failed Insurrection of Weenies, we didn’t get to properly celebrate what it really means that we flipped the Senate. Those two new senators from Georgia mean we are about to have Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. Vice President Straight Bette Porter will break all ties and the Democrats can actually get shit done. And they’d better.

We need to restore the Voting Rights Act, pass the Equality Act, reform the courts, make DC a state, complete the ERA, fix goddamn healthcare, pass anticorruption laws, save the freaking planet and end this fucking pandemic. SO. MANY. THINGS.

Think about it, for the first time in America, LGBTQ people will be granted full civil rights and non-discrimination protection. Yeah, we’ll have to contend with SCOTUS down the line. But this, this is a big fucking deal. This is kind of everything.

It always boggles my mind when people say Democrats and Republicans are all the same. Now, as I’ve said many times before, Democrats aren’t perfect. But Democrats (by and large) want all those things, and Republicans just don’t. In fact, they’ve stopped many of them from happening already as House bills go to die on Mitch’s desk. Taking power away from one of the most vile, obstructionist politicians in modern American history is an unequivocal win.

Thanks to Georgia, we now have a shot – a real shot – to make things better. All we need to do is have the courage to push a bold, sweeping agenda. Move fast, help people. Damn, that’s exciting.

In celebration, please enjoy Julia Sugarbaker proving why don’t mess with a Sugarbaker woman – or Georgia. Buh-bye, Mitch. The lights went out on you in Georgia. Now let’s get to work.

p.s. And, yes, the House should absolutely, positively impeach Trump again. And this time the Senate better remove him and keep him from running for public office ever again.

Only Themselves To Thanks

Whenever the world goes particularly crazy – in particular America and its gun-obsessed angry white men – I turn to the soothing rants of the one and only Julia Sugarbaker. Those “Designing Women,” big shoulder-pads and all, had these dudes dead to rights. History continues to show that in general that it has been the cis-het white men who have done the raping and the robbing and the killing and the war mongering for the last 2019 years. It has been the cis-het white men who have done the pillaging and the beheading the subjecting of whole races into slavery. It has been the cis-get white men who have done the law making and the money making and most of the mischief making. So if the world isn’t quite what they had in mind, they still have only themselves to thank. And, for fuck’s sake, don’t let them buy a gun. Entitled racist and misogynistic white men will be the fucking death of us all, if we let them.

Back By Design

Am I sick of all the reboots in Hollywood? Yes, OMFG, yes. Am I still kinda excited they might be rebooting “Designing Women?” Also yes. I think Julia Sugarbaker & friends could be a righteous hoot in 2018. I mean, just last year I was longing for these ladies to come back and read Trump the riot act. Granted, she already did. But, this would be on a much, much (much, much, much) grander scale. Also, you’ve got to think at least one of those designing women would be a gay lady in this day and age. I mean, if the writers don’t make Suzanne Sugarbaker a lesbian this time around, well, I might have to go all The Terminator on them. I mean, she already knew a bunch of lesbian facts back in the 80s. I think she’d be an expert by now.

Only Yourselves to Thank

Man, I miss me some Julia Sugarbaker sometimes. Like, goodness, we could have used her in the 2016 election. And, my word, you just know in 2017 she would be averaging about 2.5 Terminator rants a week – at minimum. Whenever I’m feeling a little low about the state of affairs (like, you know, about having a racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, narcissistic, thin-skinned, money-grubbing moron as president), I think of metaphorically burning it all down with a classic Julia Sugarbaker takedown. And for my money none, not even the “The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia” one, can top this. I recommend playing it for yourself at least once a year, and probably more. Ah, now don’t you feel rejuvenated and ready to take down the patriarchy again?

p.s. In case you were wondering, fear not, The Julia also made her thoughts on The Donald perfectly clear. Somewhere in TV heaven you just know Julia Sugarbaker and Dorothy Zbornak are having a field day trading their best Trump insults back and forth.

Heart of Dixie

Celebrity deaths are strange things. They are at once very intimate, yet really terribly removed. We know the person because of what we see on screen, read on paper, hear in the news. But that’s not really knowing a person, is it? Still that doesn’t stop the odd ache that happens when someone passes who we watched with fondness. And that’s the ache I feel at Dixie Carter’s death.

Julia Sugarbaker was my favorite Designing Woman. How could she not be? She was smart, fierce and unfailingly loyal. She could put anyone, anyone, in his or her place. She was a feminist icon, a liberal icon, an intellectual icon. The original Alpha Bette. She was the definition of a strong woman, right down to the enormous shoulder pads. As a former shy kid (who still reverts back now and then), I’ve dreamed of executing a verbal smackdown with as much passion, precision, eloquence and righteous indignation as The Terminator.

Now I know Dixie was not Julia (reality/fiction – most days I try to keep a somewhat more than tenuous grasp on the two). In fact Dixie was a Republican (albeit an open-minded one), who was much more traditional in her views. But she believed in gay rights and called so-called reparative therapy “insulting.”

I watched countless hours of “Designing Women” in college thanks to the wonder of syndication and Lifetime: Television for Women. I can recite some scenes verbatim. Most of them are Dixie’s. I went on a YouTube frenzy looking for the best Julia Sugarbaker moments when I heard of her death on Saturday.

While several of her greatest hits were there, two of my favorites weren’t. One was the Ray Don episode where Julia shuts down the guy at the bar who is always trying to horn in on a table of women.

“There’s no need for introductions, Ray Don, we know who you are. Of course. You’re the guy who is always wherever women gather or try to be alone. You want to eat with us when we’re dining in hotels. You want to know if the book we’re reading is any good or if you can keep us company on the plane. And I want to thank you, Ray Don, on behalf of all the women in the world, for your unfailing attention and concern. But read my lips and remember, as hard as it is to believe, sometimes we like talking just to each other, and sometimes we like just being alone.”

Seriously, they should print that out on business cards and hand it out in bars. And then, of course, the episode where the ladies were invited to model in the Women of Atlanta calendar, which doesn’t turn out as they’d hoped.

“I'm saying I want you and your equipment out of here now. If you are looking for somebody to suck pearls, then I suggest you try finding yourself an oyster. Because I am not a woman who does that, as a matter of fact, I don't know any woman who does that, because it's stupid. And it doesn't have any more to do with decorating than having cleavage and looking sexy has to do with working in a bank. These are not pictures about the women of Atlanta. These are about just the same thing they're always about. And it doesn't matter whether the clothes are on or off... it's just the same ol' message. And I don't care how many pictures you've taken of movie stars - when you start snapping photos of serious, successful businessmen like Donald Trump and Lee Iacocca in unzipped jumpsuits with wet lips, straddling chairs, then we'll talk.”

Though my favorite Terminator tirade, the one I actually wrote out and posted on my dorm wall for a bit, was posted.

History has shown Julia Sugarbaker to be one of TV’s greatest heroines. And for that, and much more, thank you, Dixie.

Design time

Have you all just gone and completely lost your minds? That's right, The Terminator is back. No, not Ah-nold. Or Kristiana. Or even Summer. We're talking about Julia, Julia Sugarbaker. Now, for the young'uns and uninitiated among us, this name will probably elicit a blank stare. But for those of us geriatric enough and in the know, this name elicits a heady mix of carnal and cerebral lust. You see, Julia was the original (albeit straight) Alpha Bette, minus the fidelity issues and plus a Southern accent.

So, then imagine my delight when I heard the Julia & Co. were finally coming to DVD on May 26. Shout! Factory, the fine folks who put out the fabulous new “My So-Called Life” DVD set in 2007, are giving the first season of “Designing Women” the box set treatment it deserves, complete with an extra reunion special featuring stars Delta Burke, Dixie Carter, Annie Potts, Jean Smart and series creator Linda Bloodworth-Thomason.

I watched “Designing Women” obsessively in college courtesy the wonder that was seemingly non-stop repeats on Lifetime, television for women. Like a younger, sassier, Southerner “Golden Girls,” the show was wonderful for so many reasons. What I loved most about “Designing Women” – besides, of course, its portrayal of close, loving and rich female friendships – was that it played with our preconceived notions of the Southern Belle. Sure, Julia, Suzanne, Mary Jo and Charlene were all archetypes, but they worked hard not to fall into stereotypes. They never shied away from controversy: racism, sexism, homophobia, you name it. And, lordy, they were funny. And fabulous. And fierce. But none were fiercer than Julia. A look at some of The Terminator's greatest hits.

The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia


As God Is My Witness


I Suggest You Try Finding Yourself an Oyster


If God Was Giving Out Sexually Transmitted Diseases


History Has Shown

p.s. This one isn't The Terminator, but it does include my favorite fictitious store name of all time: Georgia Tent & Awning.

Alpha ladies

So last night while researching my AfterEllen post, I came to the startling realization that Julia Sugarbaker and Bette Porter could be sisters. OK, not actual fictional sisters because Julia already has Suzanne and Bette already has Kit, among other issues. But in mind, body and spirit, they’re in complete solidarity. I don’t know how I didn’t see the parallels before. Julia is a fierce, fabulous, feminist Southern Belle whose nickname is The Terminator. Bette is a fabulous, fierce, feminist L.A. Woman whose nickname is Alpha Bette. And, if you think about it, Julia is the original Alpha Bette -- the Alpha Julia. Hear them go off on side-by-side rants and the result is a whole lotta woman, in the best possible sense.

Alpha Julia

Alpha Bette