Everything Oscars All At Once

I’ll admit, somewhere toward the middle of the more than three-and-a-half affair when the German War Movie was picking up technical award after technical award, I started to worry. But Everything Everywhere was All At Once Oscars. Asian Excellence for the win! And the show went off without a single case of on-stage millionaire-on-millionaire violence. So, uh, progress?

While I thought the telecast was overall a tad dull and none of the bits landed with much more than a sensible chuckle (well, other than when Hugh Grant — who had previously given one of the most intentionally caddish red carpet interviews I’ve ever seen— rightfully compared his face to a scrotum), I was generally pretty pleased with the winners. Michelle Yeoh! Ke Huy Quan! The Daniels! Yes, I was rooting for Angela Bassett to do the thing (or perhaps for Stephanie Hsu to pull off the dark bagel upset). Yes, I’m happy for Brendan Fraser even though “The Whale” ain’t it. And what did I tell you about Sarah Polley? (She also happened to be one of the only notable female stars at the Oscars in a tuxedo, so a grateful Lesbian Nation thanks her for her service.)

Other than that, the blah beige “champagne” carpet set the style tone. Given that I watch this show every year in sweatpants and a hoodie, I really don’t have anything substantive to say other than these folks sure are nice to look at. So here are the rest of my extremely queer observations from Hollywood’s biggest night. The Good, the Gay and the SGALGG from this year’s Academy Awards.

Angela Bassett & Michelle Yeoh

This is the moment that made the AP go Horny on Main.

And, honestly, can you blame them? Because *low whistle*

Cate Blanchett

Cate recycling her luxury hotel curtains to make an elegant drapey top for the Oscars feels like the ultimate admission that she was rooting for Michelle this whole time too.

Stephanie Hsu & Everyone Everywhere All At Once

getting hit on by Florence Pugh

getting armtime with Angela

making the edibles kick in with David Byrne

and finally getting a (loving) talking to from Mother Evelyn

Florence Pugh & Her Bed Sheets

I like Flo a lot. And I too would prefer to show up at formal events in my fitted sheet and shorts with pockets.

You also have to give her bonus points for changing into her duvet for the after party. Extra double bonus points for hitting on Daughter/Stephanie and Mother/Michelle in the same night, too.

Sarah Polley

Honestly, I would wear exactly the same thing if I ever went to the Oscars. So the Relatability Queen wins again.

Jessica Chastain

The only celebrity to wear a mask all evening.

Also, she got to hold hands with Halle Berry and hug Michelle Yeoh so who is the real winner here?

The Female Torso

If the blah carpet’s signature color was bridal white, the Vanity Fair afterparty’s theme was Gray’s Anatomy. Cause you got an anatomy lesson from all the exposed rib cages, upper abs, lower abs and bra-like offerings on display at the after parties.

And now, onto the GGALGG:

Ariane DeBose & someone’s upset husband

Janelle Monae & someone who isn’t Tessa Thompson

Tessa Thompson & Flo & the Duvet Cover

Cara Delevingne & Jamie Lee Curtis

Rebel Wilson & fiancée Ramona Agruma

Sarah Paulson & Queen Latifah

Don’t worry, Dana actually brought Eboni Nichols as her date.

Olivia Wilde, Sarah, Tracee Ellis Ross, Holland Taylor, The Queen

I don’t even know how to describe this other than some kind of Lesbian Moonie Wedding Ceremony.

Sharon Stone, Sarah, Holland, Sienna Miller & Patricia Clarkson

And then this is, obviously, the reception where they’re recruiting for more Queer Sister Wives, duh.

Still, I think the best moment from the whole night was Halle Berry, the first woman of color to ever win a Best Actress Oscar, handing the first Asian woman and second woman of color ever to win her Oscar. That and Michelle, Halle and Jessica walking off like this. Women. I sure do like us.

My Weekend Crush

* Looks at scoreboard * Well, that’s another one for our team. Congratulations to Rebel Wilson, who has found her Lady Knight in shining armor (and made it Instagram official this week). The comic actress introduced the world to her new girlfriend with the post, “I thought I was searching for a Disney Prince… but maybe what I really needed all this time was a Disney Princess. #loveislove”

Aw, well good for them. Her new princess, Ramona Agruma, founded a fashion line and and already has matching eyebrows with Rebel so let the queer twinning commence. I know Rebel’s had a bit of a rough go in the press in the last few years. And her recent weight loss prompted those backhanded kinds of fat-shaming headlines about how “unrecognizable” and great she looks now and so on. But I liked Rebel before and I like her now and I want for her what I want for everyone — to be happy, healthy and stone-cold gay. Happy weekend, all.

Lady Trailers

For all the lost puppies and dead children and toenail fungus, the Super Ad Bowl was somewhat less sexist and exploitive than in years past. Somewhat. But what I was most pleased by was the number of movie trailers featuring prominent female leads. Sure, dinosaurs and Andy Dwyer stole the show. But ladies made their presence felt and I couldn’t be happier. Sure, they were the leads or co-leads) in only four of the thirteen movie trailers that aired (well, five if you count “50 Shades of Grey”). But the movies were flat-out the ones I was most excited about anyway. Here is a rundown of the best Super Bowl trailers for ladies listed from those I am excited to very, very excited about.

Terminator: Genisys

I don’t understand why a robot would age as much as Arnold Schwarzenegger has aged. Like, seriously, wouldn’t he just rust instead of turn grey and wrinkly? But I all kinds of pumped to see Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, the Unburnt, Queen of Meereen, Queen of the Andals and the Rhoynar and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Dragons as Sarah Connor.

Tomorrowland

I have no idea what this movie is about. I think The Future? Or The Past? Possibly The Alternate Reality? But I do like that its chief protagonist appears to be a young girl who gets taken on a magical (otherworldly? both?) adventure to “Tomorrowland.”

Insurgent

Any movie where a woman gets to run full speed at Kate Winslet and tackle her like a linebacker is a movie I will gladly pay to see, even if all the shit blowing up all around her makes absolutely no sense.

Pitch Perfect 2

PLEASE LIKE I NEED A REASON TO BE EXCITED ABOUT THIS.

Considering that for the last two years a movie with a female lead has lead the box office (both part of “The Hunger Games” franchise, but still), it makes sense to let the ladies have a movie moment during the big game. So, which trailers got you jazzed. I know, I know, the one with the dinosaurs. But which other ones?

My Weekend Crush

Yes. That is all. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. YAAAAASSSSS.

LOLcats, word

Welcome to your week. Cats, Ellen and Rebel. Cat Ladies of the Internet, represent. Happy Monday.

p.s. Apologies for the short post. But tomorrow is Gayzzoli. I gotta rest up and stretch my subtext muscle.

My Weekend Crush

So last weekend I went to see my previously confessed guilty pleasure and it turned out to be a total pleasure with only the smallest twinge of guilt. The guilt had nothing to do with “Pitch Perfect,” which turned out to be loads of fun and elicited more than a few snorts of laugher. No, instead the guilt was that it took me this long to fall hopelessly in love with Rebel Wilson. Some might remember the Australian comedian as the horrifying roommate from “Bridesmaids.” But in “Pitch Perfect” she sets herself up as a true scene stealer. She projects a mix of bravado and sweetness with a sense of humor that manages to be both understated and hyperbolic. All in all she catches you off guard with her charm and her hilarity.

And in a series of talk show appearances to promote the film, she has only proved more charming and more hilarious. Like when she told Leno that during her audition for “Pitch Perfect” the producers must have thought, “Well, she kind of looks like Adele, but can she sing?” Or when she told Kimmel that, having come from a family of professional dog showers, she thought “Best in Show” was “such a good documentary.” Or when she told Conan that using the proper term for a female dog got her in trouble her first day of kindergarten. I now want to watch everything she’s ever been in and all the things she is going to be in. Also, did you know girlfriend can straight-up rap? Word. Happy weekend, all.

Fast pitch

I blame “Glee.” For a multitude of sins, really. But specifically, I blame “Glee” for the burning desire with which I want to see “Pitch Perfect.” Yes, the movie that sounds a lot like “Glee: The College Years.” But, dammit, if I don’t plan to slink off and see it the second it comes out. Part of this is because I can’t resist the intoxicating combination of young people’s aspirations and jazz hands. Let’s all be honest and acknowledge that the singing and dancing is what makes us love “Glee” even when we shouldn’t (though last week was an improvement, I thought). And this is singing and dancing without a curfew or with Rebel Wilson. Certainly, a few things seem rather derivative. Did the new girl really get discovered singing in the shower? Did Fat Amy really get pseudo-slushied? Also, I’m having a hard time telling Bland Leading Boy No. 1 from Bland Leading Boy No. 2. But the story is written by longtime “30 Rock” scribe Kay Cannon, so it has to be more than just Ryan Murphy Lite. Also, and I cannot repeat this enough, Rebel Wilson. Anyone who can make me snort laugh twice in a trailer deserves at the very least the price of admission.