My Queer Year's Resolutions

Sure, sure. We all make and promptly break New Year's resolutions. Eat less. Exercise more. Stick to a budget. Make a budget. Volunteer for a worthy cause. Finally finish "War & Peace." Etc. Etc. Etc.

But instead of focusing my own flaws (of which, clearly, there are none) this New Year's, I resolve to dissect other people's problems. So, without further ado, I give you my five resolutions in hopes of making 2007 as gay a year as possible.

1. For Rosie O'Donnell: Stop and think - really, really think - before you speak. Stop entering needless feuds with other celebrities. Stop offending entire ethnicities with your ignorance. Stop crying homophobia over insignificant incidents. And, for God's sake, stop writing your blog in haiku.
2. For the writers of "The L Word": Rediscover your sense of humor. It's that thing located above your sense of impending doom and penchant for killing off beloved characters. That thing that is generally followed by the sound of laughter and people enjoying themselves. That thing that makes us feel happy instead of like slitting our wrists after we watch each week.
3. For Sarah Paulson: Win that Golden Globe and plant a big, wet, sloppy kiss on Cherry Jones on your way to the podium.
4. For Jodie Foster/Queen Latifah/Michelle Rodriguez/et al: Come out. Make it official. Bring a friend. Your toaster ovens are waiting.
5. For Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz: Consider lesbianism. Preferably with each other. Preferably with pictures. That's all.

Happy New Year, all.

While the cat's away

So, did you find everything your little heart desired under the Christmas tree this year? What, still no Halle Berry? Well, better luck next year. Ms. Snarker had a nice low-key holiday and is now whiling away the last few days of 2006 in the land of milk and plenty of corn. Unfortunately, it’s also the land of glacial dial-up connection. That said, here are a few items of note that I had the patience to sit and wait and wait and wait to load while I’ve been away:

• The Donald and The Rosie had some sort of dust-up. Yeah, if I wanted to watch loud-mouthed, overly-opinionated idiots with bad hair argue during the holidays, I’d visit my born-again relatives on Long Island.
• Sarah Michelle Gellar has signed on for the new “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle” movie. That sound you hear is a million Buffy fans simultaneously screaming, “You left TV for this shit!?”
• That long-discussed “Sex and the City” movie might be back on. Admit it, you miss the hell out of those girls. Round of cosmos on me, barkeep.
• And finally, if by some cruel twist of fate or serious misjudgment of character, you haven’t watched “Ugly Bettty,” this is your chance to make amends before the new year. ABC Family will play an 11-hour marathon of the season so far starting at 9 a.m. Sunday. Don your ponchos, people, you’re in for a treat.

I'll be home for Christmas

Well my pretties, I’m headed home for the holidays. And by home, I mean a place with non-functioning internet access. Sigh. That means postings will be few and far between from now until the New Year. But, fear not, I shall return snarky as ever the first week of January. In the meantime, soothe yourself with visions of this sugar-plum dancing in your head. I knew there was a reason I always liked Santa’s Little Helpers. Thanks for reading in 2006. Have a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Happiness is a warm gun

Consider this My Vacation Crush (trademark pending…) What is it about a woman who walks softly and carries a big gun? Let’s face it, lesbians love a woman with a badge and handcuffs. They’re smart. They’re tough. And they’re usually wearing sensible shoes. Plus, when they’re TV cops, they can’t give you a speeding ticket.

When good hair goes lesbian

Well, as we’ve discussed before, lesbian hair can be its own worst enemy. Now, it seems we’ve infected straight women. Why else would they do this to their heads? America’s Next Top Model Cycle 4 winner Naima seems to think wee floating sideburns are the hotness. And Selma Blair looks like Edward Scissorhands fell on her after a bender. Perhaps this is their silent protest to Rosie being banned from dyking up her hair while on “The View.” Or, maybe, they’re trying to tell us something else. Something like, “I’m not gay, but my hair is.”

That thing they do

Eighteen days until the season 4 premiere of “The L Word,” not that anyone is counting. It’s the show we love to hate, but dammit if we can‘t stop watching. I’ll let you in on a little secret, I got the screeners for the first half of the season last week. Amazingly, I resisted the urge to sit through all 6 hours in a sleep-deprived row. After watching the premiere, I can report that the writing staff hasn’t lost it’s touch for character personality whiplash and one-sentence write-offs. Ahhh, consistent inconsistency. I’ll post a more formal preview later. For now, enjoy the latest promo with its new couplings and assorted comminglings.

Martha Stewart, butch magnet

Last week, domestic diva/convicted felon Martha Stewart was on Howard Stern’s Sirius Satellite radio show and revealed some very good things. How good? Well, she owns a $1,200 vibrator named “Thumper.” She was like honey to the butches while in pokey, being hit on by “some girls who looked like boys. Some had mustaches and beards” Martha took the attention in stride.

“They’d want to have lunch with me, like a lunch date. Everybody in prison has a business plan. I’d have lunch with them if they were interesting.”

And while she didn’t engage in any L.U.P. sex (Lesbian Until Paroled, a variant on the fabled L.U.G., Lesbian Until Graduation), she did witness some “trysts” between inmates. Forget cookies and doilies, someone sign Martha up for “Girls in Prison 2.”

LesboSpace is coming

Lesbians gather round, we’re about to have a MySpace of own. The producers of “The L Word” are planning to bring Alice’s fabled “Chart” online. Dubbed OurChart.com, this new social-networking site for gay women is expected to go live in January. Producers said the site is not a “promotional stunt,” but will function as a real, stand-alone community.

Cast members Jennifer Beals, Katherine Moennig and Leisha Hailey will serve as OurChart founding partners. They will have their own personal pages, along with “L Word” creator and executive producer Ilene Chaiken, and develop content. As founding partners, the actresses will share in the revenue (cha-ching, ladies). OurChart will also have celebrity guest bloggers, interactive contests and podcasts. About 75% of the content will be user-generated and the rest will be show-related, said Chaiken.

“This will be the first site of its kind,” she said. “It will be the first site to marry the rich, beautiful content of an established media site with interactive user-generated content, but we think it's going to be the ultimate online destination for this vibrant and engaged community. This is a place where I will make myself available to our audience in a way that I never have before.”

Read the story here. Start thinking about your screenname now.

Pucker up

Thank you all so much for voting in the Weblog Awards. You've made me feel like a triumphant loser. If I could, I'd give all of you a big kiss. And then rent a U-Haul. Move in. Drink tea. Start dressing alike. Smother each other. Stop having sex. Process our problems. Drink tea. Resent each other. Continue to not sleep together. Have sex with an ex. Break up. Date another ex. Sleep together again. Get back together. Drink tea. Break up again. And become best friends. Whew, aren't you glad we didn't kiss?

My Weekend Crush

You can keep your Izzie McHotties and Kerry McLezzies (if you don’t speak McDreamy, that’s the blonde from Grey’s and the lesbian from E.R.) I have my very own Dr. Feelgood. Call 911, cause Dr. Allison Cameron is making me swoon (wow...that was bad...wow). Jennifer Morrison plays the serious and seriously hot doc on the wry, acerbic medical drama “House.” If don’t watched, you should. It’s much better than “E.R.” and, dare I say it, better than “Grey’s Anatomy.” Morrison imbues Dr. Cameron with an undercurrent of sadness and a soft spot for damaged people. Oh yeah, I’ve totally got a shot. Happy weekend, all.

Love is in the air

Heartened by Mary Cheney and Heather Poe’s recent announcement, George W. Bush and Donald Rumsfeld decide to finally make it official. In an interview with “People,” W praised the love between the women that dare not speak its name, well half of the love between the women that dare not speak its name:

“I think Mary is going to be a loving soul to her child. And I’m happy for her.”

No word on his classification of Heather’s soul or level of happiness for it. This being “People,” America’s go-to coming out magazine, W also took the opportunity to add:

“The thing is, I’m not ashamed – Rummy and I are in a very stable relationship. We enjoy playing leisurely games of war. But, you know, without the cards.”

Or, at least, that’s what I thought I read…

One last time, but this time with a beat

This is the last time I’ll bug you about voting for Best LGBT Blog. No, I haven’t finally found my dormant sense of shame. Voting ends today. If nothing else, please enjoy the fabulous Lady Kier. Thanks, all.

Double vision, oh wait, twins

Melissa Etheridge and Tammy Lynn Michaels gave “US Weekly” an exclusive first look at their twins, Miller Steven and Johnnie Rose. Come on, go ahead. Say it. Say it. Awwwww... OK, now that that is out of the way, Tammy expressed ambivalence toward the shoot in her blog. Uneasiness aside, it’s great to see such a happy, healthy image of gay parenting. Oh, and with much better hair.

Sorry of sorts

Rosie apologized yesterday on “The View” for her “ching chong” heard round the world. She said she was sorry, that she never meant to hurt anyone. I still sense that she doesn’t see what was offensive about her lame fake Chinese. Joy Behar defended her “joke” and pointed out “two Asian girls” in the audience who thought it was funny. Plants. Whatever. She apologized. I say, move on. And, with any luck, someone somewhere will stop before making random ching chong/kung fu/so solly noises at the next Asian person they see. But I won’t hold my breath.

Golden girl

Oh Sarah, Sarah. That adorable little overbite. That winsome sparkle in your eyes. That easy, yet accessible intelligence. All that and now you’re Golden. OK, you’re almost Golden. “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip” actress Sarah Paulson got a Golden Globe nomination for best performance by an actress in a supporting role in a series, mini-series or motion picture made for television (whew, say that in one breath) this morning. She is, as far as I can tell, the only out actor/actress to be recognized. Other notable queer-ish nominees: Annette Benning for playing gay and crazy in “Running With Scissors” and Chiwetel Ejiofor for playing gay and fabulous in “Kinky Boots.” Oh, “Ugly Betty” got a nod as did its star America Ferrera and that show is family, m’kay [insert snaps and head bobs here…] Check out the full nominee list and start dreaming about what Sarah and Cherry Jones will wear now.

In praise of the female back

This is my second favorite part of the female body. The long lines, the graceful arch, the soft skin. It is poetry and promise. It is sin and salvation. It is the rise and fall of empires. And, well, it’s just damn sexy. Oh, what’s my favorite part? Patience, patience.

God, make her stop. Seriously, stop it!

My shamelessness knows no bounds. Just a reminder, you have until Friday to vote for Best LGBT Blog in the 2006 Weblog Awards. Will I win? Heavens no. But my ego/megalomania/ deluded sense of self still needs daily massaging. You can vote once every 24 hours. And, international visitors, don’t be shy to get your vote on. It’s blogging without borders here. Sometimes, it’s blogging without brain cells. But that is a separate issue...
p.s. To those who have voted, thanks from the depths of my ink-black heart. Oh, and keep voting. You marvelous fools, you.

Caption me this

What the ladies of "The L Word" are really thinking this season...
And, what Jennifer Beals thinks every time she walks on the set...

The L stands for "Look, pretty!"

Say hello to all the new, pretty faces on “The L Word.” Season 4 starts Jan. 7. The drooling begins today. So, without further ado:

Meet Jodi and Phyllis

(Marlee Matlin and Cybill Shepherd)

Meet Tasha and Papi

(Rose Rollins and Janina Gavankar)

Meet Paige and Kate

(Kristanna Loken and Annabella Sciorra)

And welcome back Marina

(Karina Lombard)

I'm sorry, I don't speak Ching Chong

Well, well. After calling out Kelly Ripa for being homophobic, Rosie O’Donnell is now being called racist for making “ching chong” noises while describing a Chinese newscast recently on “The View.” Now, as an Asian-American woman, I’ve heard those very same “ching chong” noises all my life. I say this not for sympathy (I only use sympathy to get votes), but as context. These days, whenever I get a random “ching” or “chong” I don't feel hurt, I just think, “What an idiot.” After the former Queen of Nice's remarks, the Asian American Journalists Association issued a statement asking for an apology. And, I have to say, I agree. While meant in jest, her remarks fall into that lazy spectrum of stereotyping that is nonetheless unacceptable. Do I think Rosie was intentionally racist? No. Do I think she made racially insensitive remarks? Yes. And therein lies the rub. Intent does not define racism (or any –ism or –obia for that matter). It merely amplifies its impact. Hypocrisy cuts both ways – to the right and left. Let’s say we’re sorry and move on, shall we? Oh, and Ro, let's be a little more creative with our jokes in the future. ‘Kay?

Give peace a chance, to shake its ass...

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe it’s just Monday. But this is not what I expected to see under the heading: Nobel Peace Prize Concert. Call me old-fashioned, but I think a hint of butt cheek is best reserved for your more loosey-goosey awards. Like, say, the MacArthur Fellowship. Hell, they’ll give that thing to anyone.

Snarker under no circumstances recommends

This time of year, folks falls all over themselves with capitalist helpfulness to recommend things to buy for your assorted loved and not-so-loved ones. Well, not me. I am definitely not here to help. Instead, I give you the anti-gift guide. These are things that you should, under no circumstances, give to another living human being. Particularly another gay human being.

• In Film: “Bar Girls” - Worst. Lesbian. Movie. Ever.
• In Music: The Pussycat Dolls - You can’t watch them dance on the CD. So, really, what’s the point?
• In Books: “The Well of Loneliness” - Self-loathing and suicide doesn't mix well with eggnog.
• In Gaming: Nintendo Wii - If you give it to someone you love or hope to one day love and they play like this, you’ll never want to sleep with them again.

Shameless. Gratuitous. Totally unnecessary…

..and yet here I go. My don’t-humiliate-myself campaign continues. So, if you have a spare 2.5 seconds, consider voting for me in the 2006 Weblog Awards for Best LGBT Blog. Am I actually the best blog? Clearly no. But pity goes a long way.

My Weekend Crush

I’m in the mood for a classic this weekend. Think timeless. Think elegant. Think sexy as hell. Think Marlene Dietrich. No one, before or after, has ever rocked a suit harder. And, if you’ve never seen “Morocco,” then you’ve never seen what a woman in a tux should look like. Happy weekend, all.

But will she wear the blue body paint?

Hey Ugly Betty-ites, today is your Christmas, Valentine’s Day and Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition release date all wrapped up in one. Rebecca Romijn will join the show’s cast full time starting next year. She will apparently play Faye, the shadowy, gauze-wrapped, low-voiced (yeah, how they gonna make that one work out?) figure who has been plotting all season with Wilhelmina to take back control of Mode. But already, in my head, something like this is happening between her and Salma Hayek as they try on dresses one night in the Mode fitting rooms. Yeah, this might take a while. Take amongst yourselves…

UPDATE: Those tricksy writers fooled us all and Rebecca is not playing Faye but instead – wait for it, wait for it – Alex Alexis Meade, the presumed dead but really just pulling an Alexis Arquette on us brother turned sister of Daniel Meade. Just in case there was any doubt, this show is - indeed - awesome.

Boys Club: No Girls Allowed!

I have always loved the movies. Something about the communal experience of stories told in the dark with a room-full of strangers makes my heart go pitter patter. But, I must say, this year’s offerings haven’t made my pulse race like those past. Maybe it’s fatigue. Maybe I’m just cranky. But, I think it’s that the movies keep leaving me out of the equation. Especially the important movies at the end of the year (i.e. Oscar bait). The big-budget prestige pieces look like an exclusive men’s club. “The Departed,” “Blood Diamond,” “Flags of Our Fathers,” “Letters From Iwo Jima,” “The Good Shepherd.” Nothing against the fellas. This isn’t a “men are bad” rant (we’ll save that for another day). I’ve just grown weary of all the testosterone. Sure, we’ve been thrown a couple bones - “The Queen,” “Dreamgirls.” But, overall, we’re relegated to romantic comedy land, chick flick zone and the slasher ghetto. As they say in real estate - location, location. Plus, WTF, are Matt Damon and Leonardo Dicaprio in every movie?

Let me be your Dennis Kucinich

So, voting began today for the 2006 Weblog Awards and by some fluke I’m a finalist in the Best LGBT Blog category. As you can see from my fellow nominees above, I’m the amuse bouche of the bunch. Small. Light. But, hopefully, tasty. If you like what you see, please consider voting for me. This is not a victory campaign. I am not that deluded. It’s more of a please-don’t-completely-embarrass-myself campaign (the vote counts are posted live, yikes!) You can vote once a day until Dec. 15. So, go nuts. And congrats to all the other nominees who are about to kick my ass.

But are they naked or nekkid?

The end of the year is always flooded with inane “Best of” lists. Here is one of the stupider, while simultaneously more stimulating, ones. The Top 10 Nude Scenes of 2006. It’s an all female affair. Salma is No. 1 (shouldn’t she always be on top, ahem...) and hanging out at No. 10 is everyone’s favorite soup chef, Lauren Lee Smith. The worst thing about this list? I haven’t seen a single one of these scenes. Hell, I’m not sure I know who all the actresses are. Looks like I've got some work to do.

More Slayer sneak peeks

Buffy’s been gone for three years and suddenly she’s all over the place again. You really can’t keep a good woman down. With the impending arrival of season 8, in comic form, Joss Whedon has been back on the Q&A trail and gave TVGuide.com another sneak peek, with lots of tantalizing images. The highlight? This exchange:

Q: Does (Buffy) get comic-book superheroine breast implants?
A: She really doesn't. I've been fortunate that I've never
worked with a T&A artist. I'm very specific about that.
Q: Isn't that the raison d'etre of lots of comics?
A: That's part of why I stopped reading comics for a while.
All the people I work with draw actual women.

I love Joss. I miss Joss. TV needs Joss. But, I'll settle for comics.

Mother Mary, how seasonal...

Well, as you probably already know, Mary Cheney and her longtime partner Heather Poe are expecting a child. The vice president’s lesbian daughter has always been the most prickly and frustrating of dichotomies to me. So let’s get right to the key issue here. Ladies, the hair. The hair. Is this really the kind of hair we want bringing a child into the world? Is this the kind of hair that represents happy, healthy gay parenting? Is this the kind of hair that says, “Screw you conservative wingnuts!” and “Thanks, but no thanks liberal activists,” we’re doing this our way? I think not. This is the kind of hair that barks orders to sweaty yet nubile basketball players from the sidelines at Virginia Tech.

Holy crap!

This crazy blog is a finalist in the 2006 Weblogs Awards in the Best LGBT Blog category. I feel like all of those overly-sincere actors the day the Oscar nominees are announced. It’s an honor just to be nominated. But, I really mean it. I’m ridiculously honored. I think there must have been a mistake. Perhaps I should ask for a recount? Because lord knows I have no chance of winning. I’m up against Pam’s House Blend and Queerty and Towleroad and lots of other blogs you’ve probably heard of before, unlike this little outpost. But, if somehow you’ve stumbled here and by chance like what you see, please consider throwing a vote my way. Thanks for reading. I’m going to go lie down now.

UPDATE: Voting starts Thursday and there should be hyperlinks to the nominated blogs by then, one would assume. And thanks for the congratulations. I feel all warm and fuzzy, though perhaps that's just the fleece I have on...

Just a little off the top, please

Doesn’t anyone go to the stylist the day of a big event and say, “Make my hair to look pretty!”? I mean, do they really go and say, “I’m going to the Billboard Awards, make my hair look like a cinnamon roll or a hobbit or a deranged Pentecostal housewife!”?

Some guys have all the luck

Jude Law is one lucky bastard. It doesn't seem fair. Hell, he can keep Cameron. Just hand over Kate and no one gets hurt. Le sigh.

Ladies, you need to cool it...

After all this talk about fake skit comedy shows, the real deal pulls through. Last weekend, SNL's Amy Poehler had her say about stars flashing their business all over town. Lady garden, snicker.

UPDATE: The clip is dead, please enjoy this partial transcript. Lady garden gets me every single time.

Speaking of Britney Spears, I’d just like to take a minute to address this latest trend: flashing your business while coming and/or leaving a limousine. Ladies, you need to cool it. Nobody wants to see your baby factory…What’s next? Shots of stars pooping out of a window?

And lastly, ladies, what’s up with all the deforestation going on down there? You need hair down there! It’s a backup system for underwear! Even when you’re showing it, you’re not really showing it! There was a time when a lady garden was as big as a slice of New York pizza. Then it turned into an upside down John Waters mustache!

Studio 60 sends me to Cloud 9

Well, that was lovely. I’ve been a fan of “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip” since its pilot blew me away with its smarts, wit and backbone. Today, I’m as much a fan as ever (OK, the skits could be considerably funnier). But overall, big kuddos. Monday's episode (the last before the new year) was an early Christmas gift. Funny. Principled. Romantic. The show has two of my four favorite female characters from the new season: Jordan McDeere (the brilliant Amanda Peet) and Harriet Hayes (the brilliant and out Sarah Paulson). All season long we've been treated to layered portrayals of interesting, intelligent and independent women.

Last night both actresses got to add “love interest” to that list. Now, I realize praising an episode where both women’s roles primarily boils down to “romantic foil for lead male character” might seem like a blight on my feminist street cred. Hey, let’s face it, everyone loves romance. That’s why romantic comedies are so popular. Note how when movies are about married couples, they’re usually called “dramas.” But, getting back to my point, Studio 60 makes me happy I own a television. Really happy. Get a little happy for yourself and watch the full episode online.

p.s. In case you were wondering, my other two favorites from the new season are Ugly Betty’s Betty Suarez and 30 Rock’s Liz Lemon.

What a thing to wake up to...

Geez, when even the venerable New York Times takes pictures like this of Penelope Cruz, you know resistance is futile. I have yet to catch “Volver,” (not that I don’t love Pedro “Estrogen is my Inspiration” Almodóvar), and these shots make me wonder why I’ve waited. Cause, look. Pretty.

The soundtrack of our lives, lesbian style

I read that “Come Over Here” by the lovely (and out) Sarah Bettens will appear on the new season of “The L Word.” It’s a sexy little number, and I’m looking forward to hearing it on the show. Which got me thinking about other songs used in memorable lesbian moments on TV and film. So, pop quiz hot shot. Hey, stop groaning. If you read chapters one through six in the Lesbian Pop Culture Manual, as assigned, you should do just fine.

Match each lesbionic TV/film moment with its soundtrack:

1. Willow and Tara dance on air on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”
2. Paulie reaches “Well of Loneliness”-levels of depression over Tori in “Lost & Delirious.”
3. After a night with Marina, Jenny awakens to eggs with a side of engagement ring from Tim on “The L Word.”
4. Jessie sings to an adoring Katie on “Once and Again.”
5. Claude gets it on with a pink-haired Leisha Hailey, I mean Lucy, in “All Over Me.”

• “Cannonball,” Damien Rice - ( answer)
• “I Can’t Take My Eyes Off You,“ Melanie Doane - (answer)
• “God Bless the Child,” Billie Holiday - (answer)
• “Superglider,” Drugstore - (answer)
• “You Had Time,” Ani DiFranco - (answer)

So, how'd you do? Well, next time study more. Hey, at least the homework should be fun.

My Weekend Crush

Oh Parker Posey, you had me at “Hey, hey hello!” The reigning “Queen of the Indies” has taken on countless memorable roles (“Party Girl,” “Clockwatchers,” “Personal Velocity”) and a couple questionable ones (“Blade: Trinity,” that Pepsi ad with Jimmy Fallon…) Through it all she has infused each characters with sly wit and an endearing kookiness. And her work in all those Christopher Guest movies? Priceless. Plus, has anyone ever rocked the Dewey Decimal System harder? I think not.
Happy weekend, all.

Rock this

Tina Fey and her bi-curious shoes got a full season pick-up today for her freshman series “30 Rock.” I’ve already divulged my love of all thing Fey (to recap: the glasses, the funny, the smarts, oh my!) So can I get a “Woo!” and a “Hoo!” The show is doing nicely since its move to Thursday night, too. Now, just bring back Stephanie March and we’re golden.

p.s. How cute is Tina Fey's daughter, Alice? This cute. Wow, I guess that makes Tina a bona fide MILF.