This is how I feel like dancing every time I finish my Rizzoli & Isles Subtext Recaps (posting today at AfterEllen, by the way). Oh, Sarah Paulson. You glorious goofball. Like a boss.
p.s. Did you see this picture of Sarah with Tatiana? I think I made an unintelligible happy noise when it popped onto my Twitter feed.
#WomenWhoKickAss @tatianamaslany & @MsSarahPaulson. #SDCC pic.twitter.com/1XAUX7Ipou
— Orphan Black (@OrphanBlack) July 26, 2014
One of the worst things about being so emotionally invested in television is the waiting. Waiting for a good show. Waiting for that thing you’ve been waiting for to happen to actually happen. Waiting for that good show to come back so more stuff you’ve been waiting for to happen can happen. And, in the advent of binge watching (does anyone call it marathoning anymore, or is that too early 2000s?), the waiting gets even more excruciating because you can watch a whole season in one damn day and then have to wait 365 more to see a new one. (OBNOXIOUS FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS, I KNOW.) Anyway, this long string of words about waiting is really just a long-winded way of saying, damn, am I excited to wait for new episodes of “The Fall” is almost over.
The crime drama was as methodical as it was riveting. It’s hard to do both, but this series managed its slow burn in such a way it was impossible to look away. Also, it doesn’t hurt that Gillian Anderson is everything you want in a female character – smart, complex, gorgeous. And then there’s Archie Panjabi, too. So we have two smart women sharing the screen doing smart things together on screen. Also, there’s this little (totally unconfirmed and probably untrue) rumor that Gillian’s police investigator Stella and Archie’s medical pathologist have a “sexual encounter” in the second season. Again, THIS IS PROBABLY NOT TRUE. In fact it is probably just a wishful lie someone made up in a fever dreams. But, goodness, what a dream.
Anyway, I would imagine there will be a lot more attention paid to the return of “The Fall” because of the presence of Jamie Dornan and his involvement in “Fifty Shades of Isn’t It Nice Being a Lesbian So We Don’t Have To Care About This Grey.” Which, I have to say, is a good thing. Because this cat-and-mouse serial killer drama is worth it. Plus, can you really blame the guy? Haven’t we all not-so-secretly wanted to watch Gillian sleep? OK, in a slightly less creepy way, hopefully.
p.s. Yes! The cute lesbian cop! How could I forget her. Seriously, watch this show.
Oh hell, why not? Everyone else is
in on Wonder Woman’s new outfit. Why not me. First, I hate to say it but I’m slightly annoyed by the newcomer casting. Batman and Superman get recognized names and arguably the most iconic female superhero of all time gets someone I need to Google? Anyway, fine. Everyone was new once.
So now onto the important bits: the look. I don’t hate it. I know there are no iconic stars-and-stripes hotpants. And, heavens, will this lesbian miss the hotpants. But I’m also OK with that because if you really, really think about it superhero costumes tend to look a little ludicrous when worn by actual human beings. Remember poor Adrianne Palicki and that never-even-happened Wonder Woman TV debacle? Better yet, let’s collectively pretend it never happened.
Granted, I am not feeling the high-heeled boots because – ugh, high-heeled boots. (Even if it’s some sort of modified chunky platform – who can run like an Amazon on tip-toes?) Also the whole “Batman v. Superman” aura has terribly grimdark what with the Sad Batfleck and Super Rain teaser images. But at least she looks more or less ready for a fight. Sure, her outfit is a lot more revealing than Supe or The Bat, but at least I don’t see her cleavage falling out. Nor is her ass positioned prominently on screen. Sad to say, it’s an improvement over “The Avengers” promos. (Though, is she squats a little too vigorously I might see Wonder Snatch.) In the end I dig her sword. I dig her wristcuffs. I dig her whole “I stole this from the Warrior Princess” vibe. I don’t know if Xena feels the same way, but I’d pay to watch those two duke it out.
Each year Comic-Con comes and the nerds of the world rejoice. Of course, it has become a massive Hollywood hype machine of late. Geek nirvana has become the place for A-listers to drop in, smile pretty, make an entire ballroom of people freak out and unveil the latest trailer for their new film before helicoptering out to their nerd-free tropical islands. I’m imagining that’s how it works; I’ve never been or anything. This year the two trailers that got me most excited were for the latest installment of “The Hunger Games” and the new “Mad Max.” I have to say Katniss edges out Charlize Theron and her shaved head/mechanical arm by a tiny bit because, duh, it’s The Hunger Games. But for sheer blowing shit up in the midst of dust storms at the end of civilization as we know it, the “Mad Max” reboot looks pretty damn cool. So, which are you most excited about? (p.s. You’re welcome to say “Batman v. Superman” and their glowy eyed glare off, but I am not convinced yet – not by a long shot.)
Edit: Leaving our Lord and Spammer in the comments for comedic relief. Ignore (or mock) at will.
I tend to over think things. What does this mean? What does that say? What does it all mean? But other times I know to just turn off my brain and enjoy. So when Lena Headey snarls and laughs at you, you just accept it as a gift from the universe. Oh, wait, did I mention she was also wearing a suit. It’s the little things that get us through the long weeks. Happy weekend, all.
HEYAREYOUWATCHINGFACEOFF? YOUSHOULDWATCHFACEOFF! Sorry, that came out a little more aggressively than I expected. But I can’t help it because “Face Off” has been my secret obsession for several years now. The Syfy reality competition is about finding the best new special effects makeup artist. But if you think this is just applying a little blush and eyeliner, oh child, sit down and let me educate you.
First of all, “Face Off” is one of those reality shows based on talent and talent alone. It is not about personality or gamesmanship or hot tub hookups. It’s just about the ability to create amazing shit out of nothing each week. There’s also hardly any backstabbing and an unbelievable amount of camaraderie on the series. They’re helping and complimenting and supporting each other constantly. There’s no time for bullshit, they have to make monsters…or superheroes…or robots…or every imaginable (and unimaginable) fantastical creature out there.
Why am I telling you all of this now? Well, for one Season 7 premiered on Tuesday (don’t worry, it’s On Demand and streaming so you can catch up). And this season has an out female contestant, Stella Sensel, a 34-year-old freelance makeup artist who lives in Brooklyn with her wife and their dog. (Yeah, that is her below.) They met at an “Amateur Female Jell-O Wrestling match,” so clearly I am rooting for her already.
The other reason is that I will be doing mini-recaps of the series for AfterEllen to track her progress. So you can read them on Wednesdays over at AE. Oh, have I mentioned, YOUSHOULDTOTALLYWATCHFACEOFF.
Melissa McCarthy, Susan Sarandon AND Padma Lakshmi? Too. Much. Awesome. Go on without me. Hey, it’s been another long, busy week and it’s just half way through. So why not get through the second half with the help of some Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals (and/or just Awesome Gals). Also, not all of them are necessarily straight. Fine, mostly these were just cool women being cool together. Some days, that’s all you need.
I was lucky enough to interview Anna Silk for the second time yesterday. She was, just like the first time, lovely. She is always earnest and thoughtful and candid in interviews. I appreciate the care she gives to her character and her fans. You can read the full interview today on AfterEllen. Until then, its fun to remember back before she was Bo, the unaligned succubus. When she was just a frazzled flight attendant trying to make it through another day. Her wardrobe has certainly improved.
I don’t think I really need to pinpoint what, exactly, is so fantastic about this set of pictures. [Click to embiggen the amazingness.] So, needless to say, this is exactly the kind of thing you need to start off a week. Continual giver of earthly delights Jennifer Lawrence simply does not know how to disappoint. Here she is posing with Emma Watson. I think this is the living embodiment of “Hunger Games” fandom meeting “Harry Potter” fandom – but, of course, done with love. We all know Katniss and Hermoine would totally hit it off in real life. Mostly.
You know that saying, “Big things come in little packages?” Well after meeting Kacy Catanzaro that has to be changed to “Big kick-ass Ninja Warriors come in little packages.” I don’t know if you’ve ever watched “American Ninja Warrior” or not. I just started this year because my resolution was to exercise more and watching people perform insane physical feats is basically the same thing. But one of the things I learned when I started watching is that no woman had ever completed the extreme obstacle course before – like ever. And then along came Mighty Kacy, who not only became the first women to complete the Qualifying course, this week she became the first woman to complete the Regional Finals course. That means she is also the first finalist, who will go on to grueling ultimate final course, dubbed Mt. Midoriyama, in Las Vegas.
Two other women after Kacy went on to complete the Qualifying course, and will have their shot at their Regional Finals. So hopefully they’ll meet Kacy on the mountain. But for now, it’s hard not to (and why would you even try) to be awed by her accomplishment – and by her. This is a course that has made mince meat of men twice her size. I’ve watched absolute physical specimens crumple and crash at the grueling requirements of this super-human course. Those who complete it combine strength, flexibility, agility, grip strength, endurance and fearlessness. I’m pretty sure I’d fall and knock myself out on the Quintuple Steps (the very first obstacle, FYI). Kacy, a former gymnast, is all of 5-foot tall, which makes some of the swinging, jumping and hanging obstacles that much harder. But you know what? NO fucking excuses. She works hard, she trains hard. She’s pretty fucking awesome. If you don’t feel inspired watching her compete with the big boys, well, I can do nothing for you, son. Happy Ninja Warrior weekend, all.
Yes, yes – that Jenny Lewis video though. Kristen Stewart, Anne Hathaway, Brie Larson and some chick on drums I don’t really know all perfomring delightful gender fuck in the video as Jenny wears a rainbow-meets-twilight (see, see what she did there) suit. Who can resist Sue Sylvester-style track suit drag with questionable facial hair? Also, I see that rattail. The song – named after pretty much my favorite movie from the 80s – is also pretty great. And the ladies sure look like they’re having a lot of fun. Yes, even Kristen. (I give her a hard time because I care, and also it’s fun, but mostly the caring thing.) If you’re one of the three lesbians who hasn’t already watched – or if you among the millions who wouldn’t mind watching again – please answer me this: Who makes the better dudebro? K-Stew or Miss Hathaway? Answering Brie is cheating.
p.s. I only recently realize Jenny Lewis used to act and appeared in the movie “Foxfire” with Angelina Jolie. That’s her with the zucchini.
Amid the SNARKER SMASH of Tatiana Maslany’s Emmy snub, I hope it was not lost that the very, very talented Kate McKinnon was nominated for not one, but two Emmys. As she told Seth Meyer earlier this week, she was having a fever dream about getting news about the Emmy nominations with the cast of “Orange Is the New Black,” right before she got the news of her actual Emmy nominations. One for best supporting actress in a comedy series and one for best original music and lyrics.
I was, naturally, curious about which song she was nominated for. I didn’t watch much SNL this past season, but did make sure to let The Internet tell me when Kate had done something awesome. But shame on you, Internet, for not telling me about “(Do It On My) Twin Bed.” You will be singing this all day at work, guaranteed.
Cinema’s continual fascination with How Terrible It Is For Women To Age, because what other stories can we possibly tell about women as they age, is beyond tiring. It is especially so when you throw in the adversarial younger woman vs. older woman dynamic – because again, heaven forbid we actually get along as women instead of spar as rivals. Also, have you noticed how it’s always dudes who write and direct these All About Eve-things. Still with that said, the trailer for “The Clouds of Sils Maria” looks like a well-acted – if not entirely new – film with a very talented female cast. I mean, how can you resist the combination of Juliette Binoche, Kristen Stewart and Chloë Grace Moretz? Also, there is a distinctly lesbian vibe happening between Juliette’s older actress, Kristen’s younger assistant, non? I mean, hello, the whole play-within-a-movie is about an older woman who falls for a younger woman. Yes, yes, and then there’s K-Stew’s G-string. Fine, I’m going to go see this. But if there are more lingering shots of puffy alpine clouds than actual lesbian content I’m going to be Bella Swan mopey the rest of the day.
It comes along once a year like Lesbian Christmas. The ESPN Body Issue with naked female (OK, and male too) athletes showing us their assets. It’s a bonanza of flesh and power that I always check out because, um, science? Yeah, definitely science.
So did you hear, the Emmy nominations came out yesterday?
The good news? All the “Orange Is the New Black” nominations including but not limited to those for Taylor, Laverne, Uzo, Natasha and Kate, the nomination for Lena Headey, the nomination for Kate McKinnon, the nomination for Jessica Lange, the nomination for Sarah Paulson, the nominations for the SNL Alumni Holy Trinity of Tina, Amy and Kristen.
The bad news? TATIANA MASLANY WAS ROBBED. TATIANA MASLANY WAS ROBBED. TATIANA MASLANY WAS ROBBED. TATIANA MASLANY WAS ROBBED. TATIANA MASLANY WAS ROBBED. TATIANA MASLANY WAS ROBBED. TATIANA MASLANY WAS ROBBED. TATIANA MASLANY WAS ROBBED. TATIANA MASLANY WAS ROBBED.
Oh, Sorry, Emmys. It wasn’t enough that Tatiana has played NINE DIFFERENT CHARACTERS on screen. She has also played multiple combinations of said characters posing as another one of the nine on screen. And done all of it flawlessly. But, I totally get it, this is a weirdo show about clones and science and stuff only nerds like. And you already nominated a show with dragons – so you could hardly be expected to also nominate one with clones. What is this, the circus? If you went and nominated every performance that actually deserved a nomination willy-nilly regardless of genre people might talk.
Except, you know, the opposite of all of that. I woke up late yesterday to the news and The Internet had already cycled through the stages of grief from Denial to Anger and ultimately Acceptance. But I just can’t get past the SNARKER SMASH stage. Give me something to breaaaak! Or dance just dance it out. Or better yet both. Happy Tatiana Was Robbed, All.
You guys, YOU GUYS. Just when you think you may have reached peak “Frozen” and “Orange Is the New Black” saturation, they get combined in the most delightful way. And there is even an Adele Dazeem reference. See, Internet, this is why I love you. Also, yeah, we all knew about Mulan. (H/T, @joleeqh)
As promised, here is the start of my character recaps of our favorite inmates on “Orange Is the New Black.” In lieu of formal episode recaps, which don’t really make sense when you binge watch, I thought we’d discuss the big-picture narrative arcs instead. And, just as we can all watch the show at our own pace (or all in one day like a crazy person like me), I expect to put these out at random intervals as well. I’d love to hear your thoughts, as always – this is a Safe Place. But, sorry, I don’t have any cookies.
Let us start where it all started. With the reason we met all these complex, beautiful, damaged, fascinating, troubled, magnificent women in the first place. Piper fucking Chapman. This could have so easily have just been a fish-out-of-water story. That it went beyond its simple set up – upper-class, educated white woman goes to jail – to become the richest portrayal of diverse female characters on television today is a testament to its creator, its cast and its writers.
Still, love her or hate her, we owe it all to Piper. She cracked open the door to reveal the wonders (and horrors) that awaited us at Litchfield Federal Penitentiary. But the story is no longer just about her, and therein lies the true strength of this amazing show. And by taking the spotlight away from Piper, it has made Piper a so much more interesting character. Less really is more. The Piper we met when she was first handed her orange uniform, by her own admission, is not the Piper we see today. She is changed – and, despite everything awful that has happened to her, it is for the better.
When you peel back all the artifice we surround ourselves with – our fancy clothes, our college degree, our artisanal soaps – what lies beneath is the raw truth of our lives. How we navigate our way in this world, how we treat other people. What matters is never, really, what we think matters. The car, the house, the country club membership. Who gives a flying shit about any of it. Take that away and we’re all just people passing time, trying the best we can – or not.
Piper isn’t perfect. She’s needy and co-dependent and privileged. She does things she shouldn’t be proud of, for her own selfish means. But then she does other things that show how much she is starting to own up to her own bullshit. She doesn’t give a flying fuck if Larry (Ugh, Larry) keeps her website updated anymore, and that matters. As she tells her father, who has never once visited her in prison, during her furlough:
Mr. Chapman: You are my little girl, that woman in there, that’s not who you are.And then to the older couple at the reception:
Piper: That is exactly who I am.
Older Couple: We’re sure you’re anxious to return to your old self.Plus, holy shit, they could teach a whole class on the complex motivations behind Piper’s decision to contact Alex’s probation officer. Is she protecting her from the drug lord’s retribution? Is she being selfish again to have her close? Was it good? Was it bad? Is it everything all at once? I know, I know – mostly you just don’t care because you’re happy it means the return of Alex Vause. Believe me, I feel you on that.
Piper: I’m not, actually.
I don’t understand… I’m so confused… I just…wait, what? So yesterday “news” broke that Michelle Rodriguez and Zac Efron were dating. Like with a picture of them kissing and everything. Irrefutable proof! I mean, they’re both in their bathing suits. That’s just science. Considering M-Rod has stated publically that she is bisexual, this should not be a big deal. But, if you talk to every lesbian on the planet’s gaydar, it’s a big fucking shock. Like, are they trolling the world? Is it April 1? Hey, more power to them. Two people who work out and wax that much deserve each other. And, you know, who she is smooching certainly doesn’t affect how she looks in a tank top.
When life gives you a long holiday weekend, you give yourself a lesbian movie marathon on Netflix. Since I finished “Orange Is the New Black” ages ago, in between the barbecue and fireworks this weekend was about watching as many movies in the Gay & Lesbian category as possible that I hadn’t seen before. And, because I’m a sharer, I thought I’d pass on my thoughts from my impromptu viewings. A countdown, from least to most recommended (and alternate Netflix recommendations when applicable).
5. Jack & Diane: Pretty much 90 minutes of June Temple having a nosebleed. I know, I know – it is supposed to be a meditation on love and its infectious power or something, but mostly it is just one long, incomprehensible ramble with absolutely zero storyline. Want to watch a movie about young love and metaphorical werewolfism? Skip it and stream “Better Than Chocolate” again instead, with “An American Werewolf in Paris” as a chaser.
4. A Marine Story: I’m happy to report that this movie feels terribly dated now that Don’t Ask, Don’t tell is gone. Want to watch Dreya Weber’s crazy fit body? Skip it and stream “The Gymnast” again instead.
3. Breaking the Girls: Jamie Babbit’s psychological thriller is “Strangers of a Train” with a twist. Not bad, not great. Want to watch a mindfuck movie with lesbian overtones? Maybe skip it and stream “My Summer of Love” again instead.
2. Cloudburst: An older lesbian couple goes all Thelma and Louise when one of their granddaughter’s puts her in a home. Lovely acting by Olympia Dukakis and Brenda Fricker and a poignant look at what it means to love someone the world doesn’t fully realize you’ve loved for 31 years. Don’t skip it.
1. Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same: WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME HOW FUNNY THIS MOVIE WAS? Seriously, I laughed a lot. Sure, it is proudly low rent – the spaceship was made out of two aluminum roasting pants pans taped together – but the writing is so clever it makes up for the lack of budget. Don’t skip it. I mean it, add it to your instant queue immediately.
Other current lesbian offerings on Netflix I recommend from previous viewings include, but are not limited to: Kiss Me, Concussion, The Kids Are All Right and Show Me Love. You should also probably watch Blue Is the Warmest Color, if nothing else so you can get all of the spaghetti jokes.
So, now your turn, what streaming options can you recommend?
Happy birthday, America! Isn’t it fun how we still celebrate our breakup from England all these years later. In honor of the U.S. of A.’s birthday, let’s get crazy up in here. I’ve been jamming out to M.I.A. featuring Missy Elliott & Azealia Banks for the last day and a half. So let’s go smash some patriarchy with Wonder Woman this holiday weekend. And watch some fireworks. And drink some beer. Or just press play and watch this gif over and over and over and over. Hey, how about all of the above?
This is particularly relevant for many reasons eight now including but not limited to a) the new artist tapped to draw Wonder Woman for DC Comics saying he wants her to be “strong,” but “I don't want to say feminist.” And 2) All three of the female Supreme Court Justices being completely done with all the mansplaining about female reproductive freedom happening among their male counterparts. Smash some shit, indeed. Happy Fourth of July weekend, all.
p.s. Promised OITNB character recaps are coming on Monday. Monday, I tell ya. *throws paper in the air and runs off*
So this morning there was brief pseudo-panic when it appeared Chris Colfer has been fired from Glee.
Wut? RT @chriscolfer Due to personal issues, I have been let go from the cast of GLEE. Explanations will come shortly...
— Dorothy Snarker (@dorothysnarker) July 3, 2014As with everything else in life, I blame Ryan Murphy.
— Dorothy Snarker (@dorothysnarker) July 3, 2014Wut, wut? @THR: UPDATED: Chris Colfer's Manager: He's Not Leaving 'Glee' http://t.co/iZu84jxKC1
— Dorothy Snarker (@dorothysnarker) July 3, 2014Oh, so this has been an elaborate scheme to get gays to care about Glee again. Got it.
— Dorothy Snarker (@dorothysnarker) July 3, 2014
I am not a fan of selfies. Granted, I like other people’s selfies. But for myself, eh. Call it the residual effects of Shy Kid Syndrome. But, holy reverse camera, was I happy to see this selfie. Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis really did take the original selfie. Take that, Millennials. Also, Thelma and Louise totally made that jump. Shut up, I want to believe.
So coming off a mini-vacation this past weekend (yes, the oysters were delicious), I’m back to thinking about all things gay. Just kidding, I never take a vacation from all things gay (hence the oysters – though not from Whistable…) I’m going to start (finally) my “Orange Is the New Black” character recaps this week. So to get us all ready, here is a supercut of the most important moments of Season 2. You know, all the vagina references. Please, you knew the sequel was coming. Also, I was dropping hints like crazy with all the oyster talk. Enjoy, my pussies, enjoy.
