Elementary, Dear Enola

Goodness, doesn’t this look fun. I’ve never read “The Enola Holmes Mysteries,” but if they’re anything like this trailer I really should have. The new Netflix film based on the young adult book series has an impressive roster of stars (“Stranger Things” Millie Bobby Brown, Superman/perpetually square jawed Henry Cavill, “Hunger Games” survivor Sam Claflin, forever goth queen Helena Bonham Carter and out queer actress Fiona Shaw, to name a few) and a fun premise. My only gripe, they took a book series by a female author about a spunky and norm-defying female heroine and gave it to a male screenwriter and male director to adapt. But, in better news, Millie and her older sister Paige Brown are listed as producers. So, ladies, tell the stories you want to tell and be in charge of those stories. And if those stories involve imaginary sisters to imaginary famous detectives who have imaginary adventures where they dress in-and-out of drag and fight people while solving mysteries in unconventional ways, all the better.

"Ocean's 8" Lesbian Movie Review

Yes, kittens, “Ocean’s 8” is a lesbian movie – in its heart where it counts. OK, fine, technically it’s a lesbian-in-spirit movie on screen. But, come on, Cate Blanchett is called “Lou” and slinks around in a series of increasingly amazing suits and then rides off into the sunset on a motorcycle – quite literally. So, Harold, that’s pretty lesbian.

But really, what “Ocean’s 8” is is a reminder that the world needs to be shown more women together, period. In fact, if you put a group of smart, talented, charismatic women together and give them something to do other than pine for a man, the result is basically magic.

Look, Hollywood has been doing this for decades with men. Men at work. Men at war. Men in prison. Men in space. Men stealing shit. Men buying shit. Men, men, men. We get it, my dudes. You do things.

But, here’s a revolutionary realization, so do women. Women also work, go to war, go to prison, go to space, steal shit, buy shit. Women, women, women. And, guess what, they’re good at it, too. And it’s interesting, and different, than just watching a bunch of dudes do the exact same thing.

Take your “Killing Eve” or your “Orange Is the New Black” or your “Hidden Figures” or any other entertainment that trusts women to tell their own stories, to be their own stars. There is something deliciously alive and fresh about the chemistry between these casts. Why? Because for so damn long we haven’t been shown women as much more than the love interest, side kick, token female.

But guess what, we contain multitudes upon our multitudes.

“Ocean’s 8” is unabashedly fun and unquestionably clever. It’s also unashamed of its femininity. Now by femininity I don’t mean it’s “Ocean’s 11” with a cheap pink makeover. This isn’t that “Made Just For Women!” crap they try to sell us like pens and razors. This is fundamentally female in a way that celebrates women’s abilities and differences. And, at the same time, should be universally interesting because, duh, women are interesting.

All of the women are wonderful – Cate, Sandra, Anne, Sarah, Rihanna, Mindy, Awkwafina, Mindy. I would happily watch them read all of updated privacy policies I have steadfastly ignored over my lifetime out loud. And then I would ask them to read them again, but more slowly.

In short, I will happily watch “Ocean’s 8” again – and again, and again. Will I make Lou and Debbie kiss in my head each time? Of course. But then, everyone else is, too. Because, as I said, “Ocean’s 8” is totally a lesbian movie. It just doesn’t know it yet. But, luckily, we do.

Eight Is More Than Enough

Yes. That is all. Yes.

A Perfect Eight

Look, I know Christmas was yesterday, but who is to say we can’t celebrate a second day? (Heck that song with the partridge says we can celebrate 12 days, dammit.) But instead of two turtle doves, on this second day of Christmas I give you eight awesome ladies. I know, I know – you might have seen it already since the “Ocean’s Eight” trailer was released before Christmas. But, let’s be honest, it’s the gift that keeps on giving.

p.s. I love every. single. thing. Cate Blanchett is wearing.



p.p.s. I also love what Awkwafina is wearing.



p.p.s. And what Sandy is wearing.



p.p.p.s. And what Sandy is doing to Sarah here.



p.p.p.p.s. Fine, I love everything, everyone, all of it, the whole eight-chilada.

Another Ocean To Cross

I have said for the past two months (78 days, to be exact) that “Oceans 8” is one of the only things I’m looking forward to in 2017. And now, dammit, I’ve finally realized that “Oceans 8” isn’t coming out in 2017. It’s not coming out until 2018. And summer 2018 at that. GODDAMIT, UNIVERSE. Throw me a bone here. I need every sliver of joy I can get to make it through each day. At the very least you have to give me more than one single picture of the elegant eight sitting together/apart in a subway car. Fine. Sigh. I’ll take it. Hey, it is a rough year. We take what we can.

My Weekend Crush

One of the few things bringing me real and consistent joy in the hellscape that has been 2016 is the set photos from “Ocean’s 8.” The lady power spinoff of “Ocean’s 11” continues to delight. Like, for real, every picture is so damn delightful. And I hope they delight you as much as they delight me. Happy delightful weekend, all.

Helena Bonham Carter threatening Anne Hathaway’s life. Delightful!


Rihanna wearing an “I’m With Her. And Her.” T-shirt. Delightful!


Sarah Paulson doing anything. Always delightful!


Cate Blanchett and Sandra Bullock kissing while wearing Anne Hathaway masks. Weirdly delightful!


Cate Blanchett’s arm porn. OK, that’s just hot. Delightfully hot.

I'd Cross The Ocean For You

When we first heard about “Oceans 8” we were all like, “YAAAS.” So many talented, amazing, crazy hot women in one movie together. And then, then we saw the first set photos. And we are like, “SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY.” In particular, seeing Cate Blanchett in her sexy Keith Richards gear makes us all like, *INDISTINGUISHABLE GURGLING NOISE*



I want them to show “Oceans 8” and the new “Ghostbusters” as a back-to-back double feature. And I want every self-respecting woman in the world to go see it them. And then I want us to walk out arm-in-arm and greet each man we pass with a knowing laugh. Poor dears. It’s our time now.

p.s. Does it look like Cate is in a modern-day remake of “Carol” with Sandy here? At the very least she’s asking Sandra Bullock if she found some gloves on her counter.

My Weekend Crush

So today we have a good news, bad news situation. Because I want to send you into your weekend on a good note, we’ll deal with the bad first. Bad news, guys, they probably won’t be making a “Ghostbusters” sequel. The all-female reboot that made manbabies shit themselves has apparently not done well enough at the box office for the studio to proceed. Because it was such an affront to their fragile manhood to allow four smart, funny, talented women to play roles once occupied exclusively by men, we now don’t get to find out how these ladies would have dealt with Zuul. Well, at least we got to ruin all those men’s childhoods along the way.

So now, the good news. A new “Oceans Eleven” spinoff is in the works, but this time with an all-female cast. YES! YES! BRING ME ALL THE MEN’S CHILDHOODS TO RUIN! I know, that alone seems delicious enough. But wait until you get a load of this cast: Cate Blanchett, Sandra Bullock, Anne Hathaway, Rihanna, Helena Bonham Carter, Mindy Kaling and Awkwafina. HOLY SHIT, GUYS. GIVE IT TO ME NOW NOW NOW NOW. This news is so exciting on so many levels including but not limited to anything to do with a gloved or ungloved Cate Blanchett, two Asian cast members, freaking Rihanna, etc. etc. etc. The only question now is who will be No. 8? ? I have a few suggestions: Helen Mirren, Angela Bassett, Kathy Baker, Kate McKinnon, Tilda freaking Swinton.

For all those who criticize the idea of an “all-female” anything, just think for a minute. Really think. No one calls “Saving Private Ryan” and “all-male war movie” or “Reservoir Dogs” an “all-male crime caper” or “The Hangover” an “all-male gross-out comedy.” Yet, that’s what they are. And, also, pretty much, all-white to boot. The reason male is the default isn’t because male is the default experience for the world. Quite the opposite considering women make up 51 percent of the global population. It’s because of years, decades, centuries, eons of systematic and institutional conditioning to construct society in a way that benefits one and only one group of people. Dudes.

So in light of both this good news and bad news this weekend, I just want to remind menfolk at home of one thing. When women enter into what was perceived as men’s spaces it is, in fact, not an assault on your personhood. Not in the least. Instead, and this is important, it is a validation of women’s personhood.

You see? You see how that works? The world is meant to share. And, if you take even a tiny step back, you can see how ridiculous it is that we don’t. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. While we’re on the subject of men being terrible, please enjoy these women explaining why they aren’t funny. Hey, if I’m already a man-hating lesbian, best to play the part thoroughly.

Vacation Vixens: Emma Thompson & Helena Bonham Carter

Looks like Sybil Trelawney and Bellatrix LeStrange went through kind of an experimental phase in college.

God save the queens

God save the queens of England. After watching “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2” last weekend, I reaffirmed my long-simmering Anglophilia. Heavens, the Brits are lovely. First of all, those accents. God damn, those accents. And they’ve got crisp composure about them. You know, that stiff upper lip thing. But then there’s that wonderful juxtaposition that can happen. Those proper accents, that cool exterior and then seemingly out of nowhere the they can say the most shockingly hilarious or absolutely filthy things. It’s the bawdiness under the sophistication that I think I enjoy the most. I mean, any dame who’ll wrap herself in a union jack flag and nothing else at age 65 and look better than most 25 years old doing it, well, that’s a woman you want to share a pint with – preferably more. A few more of my very favorite English lasses. Rule Britannia, baby.

Lena HeadeyAnd now I have to go rewatch “Imagine Me & You,” immediately.

Rachel WeiszOf course she married 007, just look at her.

Shelley ConnSome of you thought I didn’t give Shelley the proper love in the “Nina’s Heavenly Delights” post. Trust me, I love her good and proper.

Helena Bonham CarterSure, Bellatrix is totally evil and batshit crazy. But, admit it, also kinda sexy.

Kate WinsletSuch a pretty face, such a potty mouth.

Alex KingstonWhat I wouldn’t give to roll over and say, “Hello, sweetie.”

Kristin Scott ThomasDon’t you hate it when jam from your crumpet gets on your hand and you have to lick it off slowly? Wait, sorry, got the wrong word again – replace “hate” with “love.”

Julia OrmondI feel forever robbed by Showtime for not giving us a Julia/Eve Best love scene on “Nurse Jackie.”

Emma ThompsonFew people so fully embody a word as Emma does “delightful.”

Emma WatsonI always knew she would grow up, well, perfect.

Picture perfect

KITTENS! Did you miss me? I missed you! So much! Like crazy! I had an aces vacation though. I got to see Italy for the very first time. I got to wade into the Mediterranean Sea for the very first time. I ate pretty much every carb I could find across five countries. I learned that instead of exchanging our worthless dollars for Euros, Americans should just bring suitcases full of Converse and Coca-Cola to barter with instead. And, of course, I took lots and lots of pictures. Pictures of the beautiful Tuscan landscape. Pictures of the impossibly azure water. Pictures of food, glorious food. And, yes, even a few pictures of myself. (If you’re so inclined, you can catch a few of my holiday snaps over at Ms. Snarker Regrets.) What I learned is that taking good pictures is hard and that I should probably stick to this word thing. But that’s not to dissuade others from lifting a lens. And, if the lady behind said lens happens to be lovely herself – like the luscious Rosario Dawson – well, all the better. Say cheese, darlings.

Marion CotillardLight, camera, drool.

Naomi WattsMy what a big…lens you have. Yes, lens, definitely lens.

Diane KrugerThis is exactly how I looked reviewing my vacation pictures in the hotel room. And by “exactly,” I mean that I too had a suitcase and a camera.

Kristen BellSome Kristens seen perennially sunny in front of a camera.

Kristen StewartSome do not.

Helena Bonham CarterOh, Helena, if I was wearing that outfit I’d insist on being the one behind the camera as well.

Penelope CruzThere should, however, be some sort of law that Penelope only gets to be on the receiving end of a camera lens.

Mena SuvariWhere’d she go? Remember when she was everywhere?

Drew BarrymoreHey, it’s Thursday. And nothing says, “Welcome back from vacation,” like a little Gender Fuck.

It’s good to be back, kittens. It’s good to be back.

Vacation Vixen: Helena Bonham Carter

I absolutely cannot wait to see what madness she wears to the Oscars.

Tank Top Tuesday: Oscars Edition

Let’s not pretend the best actress Oscar race is anything but an all-out, steel-cage deathmatch between Natalie Portman and Annette Bening. All the nominees are great, but come on, those two are the battle royal. Actually, it’s nice to have a tight race instead of a presumptive frontrunner blow-out. And these two actresses really acted their asses off last year. But, in the interest of recognizing all of the lovely ladies who were nominated today, please enjoy this very special Top Thespian Tank Top Tuesday. Being nominated for an Academy Award is rewarding and all, but looking great in a tank top is its own reward.

BEST ACTRESS

Natalie Portman, “Black Swan”I bet Natalie Portman never, ever thought she’d be able to say, “In the last year I shagged both Jackie and Kelso from ‘That 70s Show.’”

Annette Bening, “The Kids Are All Right”Still courting the gay vote with her lesbian hair and chunky glasses, I see.

Nicole Kidman, “Rabbit Hole”Now that she is no longer using Botox, three cheers for the imminent return of emotions to Nicole’s forehead.

Michelle Williams, “Blue Valentine”Take that, Katie Holmes.

Jennifer Lawrence, “Winter’s Bone”The best thing Bill Engvall has ever contributed to society.


BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Hailee Steinfeld, “True Grit”This isn’t a tank top, but Hailee is 14 so I’m not going to go there.

Helena Bonham Carter, “The King’s Speech”Every time I abbreviate HBC, I “accidentally” slip in an “I” before the “C.” It’s really more appropriate that way, don’t you think?


Jacki Weaver, “Animal Kingdom”Her nickname in the film was “Smurf,” that’s so awesome I won’t even quibble that she refused to take her overshirt off.

Melissa Leo, “The Fighter”Remember when she played Helena’s ex on “The L Word?” Remember when Helena had children?

Amy Adams, “The Fighter”Even if you weren’t adorably and winsome, Amy, we’d still love you forever for that lesbian scene in “Standing Still.”