Angel Came Down From Chem Class Yesterday

Drugs are bad, m’kay? I thought we’d start this week out with a blast, and crash through a plate-glass window, from the past. Here is Helen Hunt in the 1982 made-for-TV movie “Desperate Lives.” It was among the genre of after-school specials that warned about the dangers of pretty much anything and everything in the world. This one in particular was about drugs. Their opinion is that they are bad, very, very bad. The film featured perhaps the most iconic scene in all of after-school special history. In it Helen’s character jumps through a second-story glass window after her boyfriend pushes her into snorting some angel dust. Say what you will about the cheesiness of these kinds of movies, but I’ve never done angel dust. So, uh, I guess it worked.

p.s. To be honest, Helen Hunt’s entire early 80s career, from “Desperate Lives” to “Quarterback Princess” and “Girls Just Want to Have Fun,” deserves its own post. They’re all amazing in their own, very special 80s way.

My Weekend Kill

Dear, sweet Lesbian Jesus, I hope you are watching “Killing Eve.” I am not kidding, as I would never take Lesbian Jesus’ name in vain, especially not about that most sacred of topics – excellent TV shows with complicated female leads and overt queer themes.

If you haven’t been watching (and, again, you should) here’s what you need to know. The new series on BBC America stars the always-stupendous Sandra Oh (which, come on, that alone should be enough reason for you to watch) as Eve Polastri, a normally desk-bound agent who is recruited into a clandestine MI6 team to help chase down a psychopathic assassin named Villanelle (played by the absolutely riveting and chilling Jodie Comer) who has been murdering people all across Europe.

The two women become – and stay with me because this might sound weird – but mutually obsessed with each other in a way that only women can become obsessed with each other. There is respect and curiosity and longing and a burning desire to know everything and anything about her life. Except one of these people is a cold-blooded serial killer who takes pleasure in watching to life drain from her victims’ eyes and the other is trying to stop said killer and the sad eyes thing.

The series also stars out actress Fiona Shaw as Eve’s stoic division chief who is heading up the team, if you were looking for some additional lesbo street cred.

Speaking of the queer stuff, Villanelle appears to have sex with men and women, but has started to pay special attention to women in particular after meeting Eve. I have no idea where it will take her same-sex desires as the series moves on, and that’s great. Because it’s so well done, I just want to come along for the ride. And, the best news is, it has already been renewed for a second season.

The show is fascinating and proof positive that there should be more layered leading roles for women opposite one another, period. This show, with men, would be just another cat-and-mouse catch the killer game. But when you switch the dynamic and allow two women to show the full complexity of their lives and minds and hearts and homicidal tendencies, it’s just fucking amazing television. It really, really is. I cannot wait for the next episode Sunday night. I really, really can’t. Happy weekend, all.

Reading Into The Rachels

I have not seen “Disobedience” yet. But the studio’s marketing department has sent me like 30 emails about clips from the films. (Full disclosure: They also sent me a T-shirt.) So, um, I feel a little like I’ve seen it already. Like, I’m serious. Here are all of the clips.






And while I’m still quite excited to see this film (wariness about all the spitting business aside) one thing that has decidedly made me less excited is the big New York Times feature on Rachel Weisz from over the weekend. It’s everything we hate about straight, clueless writers trying to report on “hot lesbian sex.” No, really, there’s a line in the story that read:

“Baby news aside, the real reason I am below 14th Street is to discuss hot lesbian sex.”

Granted, I expect nothing less of Maureen Dowd whose many less than delightful columns during the 2016 election cycle included the all-time atrocious gem “Donald the Dove, Hillary the Hawk” piece. I also worry that the film’s big lesbian sex scene has been entirely orchestrated by its straight male director without, it seems, any kind of input from actual lesbians. We’ve had more than enough prestige lesbian films directed entirely by straight dudes, thank you.

Here’s the exchange about the big hot lesbian sex scene from Dowd’s article:

Did Ms. Weisz do any research for the love scene with lesbian friends?

“Nooooo,” she said. “You can’t ever ask people how they have sex. (Sebastian Lelio, the director) storyboarded it, so it was all his idea to have just faces and spittle and wetness and the other woman’s face. He wasn’t interested in nudity. He was interested in one woman’s face in pleasure in the frame and the other woman outside the frame so you have to imagine where her fingers and tongue are and what’s going on.”

Again, the spittle stuff is deeply off-putting to read about. Still, I want to give the film a truly fair try. I also never, ever want to hear Maureen Dowd write about lesbian sex ever, ever again.

We're Being Wu-ed

My love for Constance Wu is well documented. Her portrayal of Jessica Huang on “Fresh Off the Boat” alone should make her a national treasure. But Constance is now a officially a triple threat. TV star (thanks to “Fresh Off the Boat”). Movie star (thanks to the upcoming release of “Crazy Rich Asians”). And lesbian heartthrob (thanks to the new indie film “The Feels”).

Now, someone could write an entire thesis on why it took 25 years between major Hollywood films about and featuring primarily Asian-American characters (the last being “The Joy Luck Club” in 1993 – NINETEEN NINETY-THREE). The trailer looks fun and Constance is joined by Nico Santos, who plays Mateo in my beloved “Superstore.” So yay on all fronts there.



Now, onto the lesbian stuff. I’ve been tracking “The Feels” for a bit now, since I learned Constance plays a gay lady in it. It finally became available to stream or buy and I checked it out last week. The plot is a group of friends gets together for a bachelorette weekend. And over the course of drinking and dropping molly they learn that one of the bachelorettes has never had an orgasm, which naturally is distressing to the other bachelorette (played by Constance).



It’s pretty process-y and a tad awkward at times (which, given the subject matter, makes sense). But otherwise well acted and, again, have I mentioned Constance Wu plays a gay lady?

In summation, you may begin (or hopefully continue) your Constance Wu worship now.

I (Really) Like That

After a nice, relaxing extended weekend nothing feels better than listening to a nice, relaxing jam by Janelle Monae. While her new video has an appalling lack of Tessa Thompson (which, fine, I guess the lady needs a break from all the Bisexual Lighting and Pynk worship sometimes), it has seven the Janelles to make up for it. And, the lyrics about liking your inner and outer weirdo are wonderful.

Also wonderful? These clip of Janelle and Lupita Nyong’o dancing to “Make Me Feel.” I mean, they’re enough to make Tessa jealous, no?

Having a bad day? Lupita Nyong’o & Janelle Monae dancing to “Make Me Feel” should help. pic.twitter.com/pCEjuXApWs

— Sesali (@BadFatBlackGirl) April 24, 2018

and then Janelle & Lupita had a dance party right in front of me. just a casual monday night. whatever. #DirtyComputer pic.twitter.com/ioJ5hDhg2q

— Franchesca Ramsey (@chescaleigh) April 24, 2018

Yep, I am 100 percent buying Janelle’s “Dirty Computer” when it comes out on Friday.

Good Fucking Morning

Welcome, new week. Here is a reminder to please not fuck with us. Or, as you can see, we will fuck with you right back. Happy fucking Monday, kittens.

My Weekend 420

A lot of you have been asking about my position on marijuana. Here it is. pic.twitter.com/iEKLHgClFN

— Cynthia Nixon (@CynthiaNixon) April 11, 2018

Happy 420, Stoners and Friends of Stoners. I’m not necessarily a stoner, but I do believe we should legalize the recreational use of marijuana for adults – just like they’ve done here in California and eight other states. And I believe it should be legalized for some of the very same reasons Cynthia Nixon describes here. Look, I don’t know if Cynthia would make a good governor of New York. But I know she has been making a lot of sense when she talks about her policy positions. I mean, maybe the Unqualified Lesbian is onto something. So smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, kittens. Happy weekend, all.

Gender Fuck Thursday

You look like you need some ladies in nicely tailored suits. So here are some ladies in nicely tailored suits. You are welcome.

Cate Blanchett

Should we pass a law that Cate can only walk around in her clothes from “Carol” or a tuxedo? Yeah, I think we should.

Letitia Wright

I want the little sister in “Black Panther” to have her own movie, accompanied – of course – by the all-women Wakandan army.

Lena Headey

In another life, Cersei runs away to pursue her love of genealogy at university and starts wearing nice tweeds and turtlenecks.

Rihanna

I can.not.wait. to see her as one of the eight in “Ocean’s Eight.”

Dame Maggie Smith

I suddenly want to find out everything I can about, what appears to be, Prof. McGonagall’s past as a well-dressed graduate student at an all-women’s magicians college.

Jessica Chastain

I need to make an amendment that adds Jessica in the above “Must Wear a Tux” law.

Bates Hotel

Kathy Bates giving us that Bruno Mars swagger is the perfect pick me up for a Wednesday. On a related note I now want “Lip Sync Battle” to focus solely on actresses over 60 years old battling each other for lip sync supremacy.

The End of the World As We Know It

If you know anything about my love for Pixar movies you’ll now how much this delighted me. Here is a heart-warming clip of the Swedish ending of “Finding Dory.” Um, is this how all movies in Sweden end? If you, my dear Swedish friends, you have been holding out on us.

Monday McKinnon

http://dorothy-snarker.tumblr.com/post/172817315045/holdingontoyoufordearlife-kate-mckinnon-as-90s

Question: Is there anything Kate McKinnon can’t do? Answer: Nope, nothing. Have a good Monday, y’all.

My Weekend Crush

They year of great Bisexual Lighting continues. The latest member of our LGBTQ tribe to claim a spot at the Big Out Table is “Broad City” star Abbi Jacobson, who came out as bisexual in a recent interview. *hold for applause and stoner head nods*

As she told Vanity Fair:

“I kind of go both ways; I date men and women,” she says. “They have to be funny, doing something they love. I don’t know—I’ve never really been interviewed about this before.”

Now, this is a fun switcheroo because on the series it’s Abbi’s character Abbi who is frequently fending off the come-ons of her BFF Ilana (played by Ilana Glazer). Yet in real life Abbi is bi and ready to mingle and Ilana is married to a guy who does computational biology (which is a term I had to Google to even begin to understand…) So, as I was saying, welcome to the table, Abbi. Happy weekend, all.

Eight Is More Than Enough

Yes. That is all. Yes.

Go Pynk

Welcome to 20GAYTEEN, indeed. This trend of female pop stars acting out all of our queer lady fantasies in their music videos? I AM HERE FOR IT. Janelle Monae already blessed us with the best Bisexual Lighting in a music video, ever. And now she, and Tessa Thompson, are back together to get even gayer? How gay? Like dancing in Pussy Pants gay. Like Tessa as the clit and Janella as the labia gay. Like these are the actual lyrics, “Pink like the inside of your, baby/Pink behind all of the doors, crazy/Pink like the tongue that goes down, maybe/Pink like the paradise found.”

Oh, and then there was all of this.



And this.



And this.



And this, I mean, COME ON.



Look, I don’t know if Janella and Tessa are dating and this whole song/video is an ode to the amazing sex they’re having together. But, damn, I sure hope it is. (Autostraddle did an exhaustive investigative report when the “Make You Feel” video came out and evidence has only continued to mount…ahem.)

Also, I hope when inevitably asked by reporters if they’re dating, they simply reply with this image.



Anyway, even without the Janelle/Tessa connection, this video is amazing because you have a major music star singing explicitly about the joys of the female vagina. (Also, Tessa’s been wonderfully inclusive to our trans and non-binary sisters in her posts about the video as well, so props for that – the more people feel included the merrier we are all, I say.) A positively queer and queer positive videa featuring beautiful women of color, well, that is a very, very good thing.

Right, so now the only question is where do I find myself some Pussy Pants?

The American Tales

I am still trying to decide if I’m going to watch the second season of “The Handmaid’s Tale.” It’s not that I disliked the first season, far from it. This is a well filmed, well acted, well written show – of that there is no doubt. My decision is not based on its merits, but whether I can stomach it. Some shows are hard to watch because they’re so unblinkingly realistic. And some shows are so hard to watch because they’re uncomfortably close to being unblinkingly realistic. And “The Handmaid’s Tale” is, very unfortunately, in the latter category. In so many ways, it cuts too close to the bone with our current political climate. Granted, it’s the resistance that is meant to inspire us. But, still, with headlines testing the levels of our incredulity in this endless hellscape of a news cycle, sometimes I wonder how much more I can take – even fictional bad news. But then again, it is very well filmed, acted and written and features out queer characters and women. So, you know, how can I not? So in about two weeks when it returns April 25, will you be watching? Or is the news each day more than enough of that?

Just Another San Junipero Monday

I rewatched “San Junipero” for the umpteenth time last weekend. But like a fine wine and some cheeses, it only gets better with age. I don’t know how you can look at this behind-the-scenes shot of Gugu Mbatha-Raw and Mackenzie Davis and not smile? Because you simply cannot. Now that’s a way to start your week. Happy Monday, kittens.

My Weekend Crush

See, now this is where being an old fogy really hurts my lesbo street cred. Many of you have probably already heard of Hayley Kiyoko. I mean, I’d heard of her the last couple of years. I recognized her name. I knew she was a former Disney and Nickelodeon star turned singer-songwriter. But I never stopped to really listen, or watch, because sometimes I’m like *shakes fist at radio* who are these whipper snappers and why should I care?

Well, in the case of Hayley Kiyoko you should care if you like fun bops (I think the kids say bops again, right?). But you should really care if you like fun bops about girls liking other girls. In fact, creating intricate mini-movies for her music videos that play our like straight-up femslash fanfic is kind of her things.

Like take “Girls Like Girls”


Or her latest, “Curious”


She came out as a gay woman near the start of her musical career. And it has become her goal to normalize LGBTQ relationships, particularly female same-sex relationships, through her music and videos. Fans have dubbed her “Lesbian Jesus,” and she had dubbed 2018 “20GAYTEEN.”

Last week she released her debut album, “Expectations,” which has garnered great reviews thus meeting its own title. See what I did there? Ahem.

And for all the critics saying all she does is sing about girls and make videos where she smooches ladies, well, she told Refinery 29 last week:

“I’ve had several music industry execs say ‘You’re doing another music video about girls?’ I literally looked at them and was like, um, yea...Taylor Swift sings about men in every single song and video, and no one complains that she’s unoriginal. I’m not over-sexualizing my music. I make out with women because I love women, not because I’m trying to be sexy. That’s not to turn heads — that’s my life.”

Hell fucking yeah. Happy weekend, all my new fellow Lesbian Jesus acolytes.

Oh, baby baby, it's a Westworld

“Westworld” is a fascinating show. It’s a spooky with the lights on kind of show that throws our definitions of the most basic building blocks of our existence into question. What makes us human? How do we get our souls? What defines life, period? I’m excited for the start of the second season. And I’m even more excited that an our queer woman like Evan Rachel Wood is at the heart of it all. Wait, do hosts have hearts? The show is a wonderful showcase for the bisexual star. I can’t wait to see what she, and the show, can do. Oh, and Tessa Thompson and Thandie Newton are certainly nothing to sneeze at.

Reunited And It Feels So, So, So Good

The saying is three makes a trend. So three favorite female former co-stars reuniting in real life is a trend that brings three times the joy for our little shipper hearts. Last month in March, appropriately Women’s History Month, we were treated to a trio of reunions of lovely ladies who were once onscreen colleagues.

First there was Stephanie March and Mariska Hargitay, who reunited on the set of “Law & Order: SVU.” Stephanie, a.k.a. ADA Alex Cabot, is reprising her role as a guest star in an episode this month. Alex and Olivia back together again? Yes, all the pleases.



Then there was Simone Lahbib and Mandana Jones of “Bad Girls” fame. Now, admittedly, I never got into the late 1990s, early 2000s series. But I certainly watched Nikki ad Helen fanvids. And I certainly know how much the sight of them here, as if still together after all these years, warms so many hearts.



And finally, how can you not love seeing Bo-Bo and Lil Mama back together again? Anna Silk and Ksenia Solo had a lunch reunion last week and it made me miss “Lost Girl” all over again. I miss all those lovely humans sharing a screen together, I really do.

Tank Top Tuesday

I greatly enjoyed “Thor: Ragnarok” for many reasons. 1) All the 80s awesomeness. 2) All the Cate Blanchett awesomeness. 3) All the Tessa Thompson awesomeness. While I’d seen Tessa in other things, it really wasn’t until Ragnarok where I realized the true scope of her awesome. Like, whoa, that’s a lot of awesome. Sadly while her Valkyrie is meant to be canonically bi, you certainly couldn’t tell from the film. Those scenes were left on the cutting room floor, alas. We can only hope she returns to Thor-land and makes it explicit this time. Or, better yet, just give Tessa’s Valkyrie her own damn film. Tessa is clearly ready. Clearly.

Good Neighbors

As I’ve said before and I’ll say forever, I’m all about the ladies on Dorothy Surrenders. But, that doesn’t mean I’m automatically against all men – or all straight white men in particular. Nope, this man-hating lesbian has loved at least two men unconditionally. I loved my father. And I loved Fred Rogers. In fact, when I was a kid and we’d get dressed up for a special occasion where my dad would have to wear a tie, the highest praise I could give him was, “Daddy, you look just like Mr. Rogers.” And that, neighbor, is the truth.

In these troubled and troubling times, it seems like the next tragedy or tragic assault on our civil rights is just a tweet away. So it’s easy to feel frazzled and cynical and angry all the time. Anger is an important motivator. But, if I learned anything from countless hours watching “Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood” when I was little, it’s that kindness is a better one. Thank you, as always, for coming here and sharing your hearts and minds with me all these years. I appreciate all of you more than you’ll probably ever know. Thanks for making this neighborhood always feel like home.