My Weekend Crush

I haven’t commented on the Britney Spears situation much because it should go without saying that I was on Team Free Britney. Obviously, her situation is complicated by her unfathomable fame and the spectacularly public nature of her mental health issues. I hope she is now able to surround herself with people who will truly look after only her best interests, and she is able to enjoy her life however she sees fit. Bottom line, I want this woman to have a good life because heavens knows she has given enough of herself for the entertainment of others since before she just a girl (and definitely not yet a woman). Anyway, long story short, I want this woman to live a long and fulfilling life doing whatever she wants and being healthy and happy. Happy weekend, all – but especially to Britney Spears.

Music Monday: Free Britney, Bitch

Britney Spears is, hands down, one of the best pop performers we’ve ever produced. “Toxic” is still an all-time banger. Hell, they’re all still bangers. Because Britney embodies the pop aesthetic perfectly. As it turned out, too perfectly. That this very talented woman has been under conservatorship for the last 13 years, and is now petitioning to get out is a painful reminder that free will is never guaranteed. This is what we do, I guess, when women “act out.” Like, sure, she shaved her head and hit a car with her umbrella. Robert Downey Jr. infamously woke up in a strange kid’s bed after yet another drug bender. Yet he maintained his career and his financial and personal decision making and his free fucking will throughout (I mean, he did go to jail a few times, but still no one filed to take away his decision making abilities altogether.) Anyway, this is a long way of saying Free Britney, Bitch.

While obviously the whole jailbait branding of her early career was problematic. But then selling sex is pretty much a fundamental keystone of rock ’n roll. Like if you didn’t realize you were a gay lady before watching the 2000 VMAs, I’m pretty sure you knew right after a then 18-year-old Britney tore off those tuxedo pants. Hello. May the courts realize this and let this not-a-girl-definitely-a-grown-ass-almost-40-year-old woman run her own life. Yet last month the court denied her request to remove her father as a conservator. As if we needed more reminders of the iron-fist patriarchy imposes over young girls and women already. Look, while it’s healthy to seek help — especially in times of mental distress, removing one’s free will is never truly helping. In fact it’s exactly the opposite. So, go get ‘em, Brit-Brit.

Music Monday: It's Britney's May, Bitch

I love me some Britney Spears. Full stop. No explanations needed. Zero apologies. Given the pervasiveness of that Justin Timberlake’s “It’s Gonna Be May” meme at this time of year, with the help of some smart ladies on The Series of Tubes, I saw we reclaim the start of May for more deserving parties. Here’s to a “Piece of May” May instead. And, while we’re at it, Free Britney.

Also extremely acceptable would be “Let May Take You on an Escapade” May. Seriously, why are we even still talking about Justin when Janet and Britney are right there.

*headdesk*

I’m not sure, exactly, how our culture has devolved to the point where the unplanned pregnancy of a 16-year-old starlet sibling is cover story material. Or how the mother of said sibling could allow her maternal instincts to be so crippled to think that her teenage daughter’s impending maternity is anything but private. Or how, in some twisted way, this all seems like a family crisis turned into a publicity stunt. Or how, in this day and age, teenagers still don’t realize that if you’re going to have sex, use a fucking condom. But what I do know is that this isn’t a “story.” And for God’s sake, has no one in the Spears family every watched and after-school special?

p.s. Fitting that this “news” should be in “OK” magazine when it is in fact nothing of the sort. Irony never gets old.

Little girl lost

The thing is, I’ve always wanted to shave my head. It’s true. Some wild, unexpressed part of my personality wonders what I’d look like bald. Part of it is rebellion. But part of it is that my hair is a large part of my identity. It’s long. It’s thick. Strangers have been know to ask to touch it while I’m out and about. Yeah, I know, that last bit is weird. But in the end, I’ve never shaved my head and probably never will. Thing is, I like my hair. I like myself. And, OK, I worry that I might have a misshapen scalp or weird birthmark hiding under there.

This lengthy and unsolicited mediation on my hair brings me to my point. Britney Spears and her newly-shaved head makes me sad. While I understand the urge, her very public shearing seems to be both an act of rebellion and a shedding of identity. I try not to blog too much about the paparazzi princesses - Paris, Lindsay, Britney, Nicole, et al. I do so mainly because I think they’re uninteresting and unimportant. I find no joy in yet another shot of some sad person drunk/naked/covered in her own sick.

But Britney’s recent downward spiral complete with photos and video and her clipped locks for sale on eBay screams out for commentary. And mine is this: People who love Britney Spears, please help her. While I’ve never met the woman and am in no way privy to the inner workings of her soul, I can tell you that shaving your head in some little salon in Tarzana in full view of the cameras is a probably cry for help. So, someone, help her.

Have you no sense of decency, sir, at long last?

I’m not sure if it is the stars who’ve gotten stupider or the paparazzi who’ve gotten more predatory (I suspect it’s a heady mix of the two), but the recent rash of upskirt shots is beyond tasteless. It’s beyond vulgar. It’s just plain wrong. And this is coming from a gal who, for the most part, enjoys seeing various exposed ladybits. But things have gotten out of hand. Way, way out of hand. Does anyone really want to see this? Sadly, the answer must be yes or the photographers would stop aiming low. But, to me, these images represent a lack of common decency. Have we really sunk to this as a culture? Have we really been reduced to bread and circuses? I feel sad, so very sad.

Deliver us from Britney

Bans on gay marriage/domestic partnership passed in seven of eight states yesterday. And, irony of ironies, the second marriage of avowedly-hetero, avowedly-Bush backing superstar/dingbat Britney Spears ended the same day. Thank heavens those seven states saved the sanctity of marriage for someone like her. Cause, you know, us gays would only muck it up. Sigh.

EDITORS NOTE: Lest we burst our own bubble too quickly today, let us still rejoice in yesterday's landmarks:

• First woman speaker of the house: Nancy Pelosi
• First Muslim in Congress: Keith Ellison
• First Democratic Socialist in Congress: Bernie Sanders
• First Jewish governor of New York: Eliot Spitzer
• First African-American governor of Massachusetts: Deval Patrick
• And, according to the Gay and Lesbian Victory Fund, 67 openly gay candidates were elected to state and local offices (more than ever before).

Plus, ding-dong the witch is dead jigs of joy for Rummy, Rick Santorum, John Hostettler, Katharine Harris and Richard Pombo. Wow, for me? Is it Christmas already?

Isn't something important happening today?

Never mind the elections. On CNN and Fox News today, the big “Breaking News” item was Britney Spears filing for divorce from Kevin Federline. Now I am all for the dissolution of this marriage. Perhaps now we can get back to good, old, hot Britney. But just think what kind of coverage this “breaking news story” would get if it wasn’t – say – the day all Americans exercise their democratic rights and possibly change the course of history. Priorities, people, priorities.

Damn, she did it again...

Well, the news we had all feared is, alas, true. Britney Spears is pregnant, again. Good, 'ol Britney just loves to be barefoot and pregnant.

Plus, what's with all this celebrity use of late-night talk shows as a platform to announce life plans. First Arnold announced his running for governor on Leno, now this.

Oops, she did it again

Oh. My. God. Y'all! Please, let this not be true. Britney Spears may actually be pregnant. Again. Let this be just idle tabloid fodder. For the love of all that is right and good in this world, let her not spew forth another spawn.

The universe cannot be subject to ANOTHER sculpture of Britney giving birth on a bear-skin rug. As her genius spouse would say, "Y'all Aint Ready." Word.