Meet your maker

WARNING: “True Blood” season finale spoilers. Or as I like to call, “What the fuck was that?”

Right, so I think we can all agree this season of “True Blood” was, well, not good. Pretty bad. Shit, let’s get real – it was a hot, hot mess of a mess. The main problem with the fifth season was that it was segregated into a million small, separate stories where none of the characters talked to anyone but the people in their small, separate stories. Bill didn’t talk to Sookie. Sookie didn’t talk to Eric. Eric didn’t talk to Pam. Pam didn’t talk hardly at all. This strange compartmentalized season had a million small, separate stories I didn’t care one whoop about. Terry and the smoke monster. Andy and the fairy quintuplets. Alcide and the pack. Hoyt and the Obamas. I just really didn’t care. (Well I cared a little bit about Hoyt, but mostly because I care about Jessica.) Oh, and Russell Edgington – I really fucking hate Russell Edgington. Though Eric killing him felt even better than I thought it would. Plus the whole tiresome religious zealot allegory told via Lilith and The Authority? Pat Robertson exists already – I don’t need to be reminded of that sort of bullshit on my silly, sexy vampire show.

But here’s the thing that if not redeemed the season (because, really, I cannot overstate what a hot, hot mess of a mess it was) is the Pam and Tara relationship. Pam turning Tara. Pam teaching Tara, reluctantly. Tara caring for Pam, reluctantly. And then, well, the kiss. That kiss was something. Sure we all saw (or at least hoped we saw) it coming. Pam and Tara together? That’s HOT. But it also makes a strange kind of sense. In fact it’s the only thing that makes sense in this screwy, sloppy season. All Pam’s vampire life the only other person she has cared for was Eric. And all of Tara’s human life, the only people she has cared for are Sookie and Lafayette. And then Eric releases Pam. And then Sookie and Lafayette turn Tara. And those two, all they have is each other. They hate it at first, naturally. But despite it all a bond forms. A bond built out of earned respect and mutual admiration. These are both tough, tough women. These are both survivors. Is it slightly maternal? Sure. But remember Bill slept with his maker Lorena for decades. And Eric sleeps with his sister. Incest isn’t really a thing in the vampire world, so cool your outrage jets folks.

So what will keep me coming back for “True Blood” season 6? Definitely not Billith the bloody tampon monster. Nope, it’ll be the love – hard-earned and well-deserved – between Pam and Tara. In a season that went from ridiculous to “bitch, please,” it was the one true moment of tenderness that didn’t feel farcical. With any luck, come season 6, we’ll finally be able to see that date they owe each other. Because, come on, hot.

First rule of Fight Club

WARNING: Right, so if you haven’t watched the season premiere of “True Blood” yet, shoo. Get. Go on now. Spoilers are coming up. But if you’ve already watched or have no intention of watching but want to know what I’m talking about anyway, please, let us proceed together.

Right, so how much more do we love Tara now? Or, I should say, Toni. Man, I have to say she was one of the consistenly most annoying characters on “True Blood,” through no fault of her own but the writing’s consistent insistence on making her as the angry, clueless, angry some more victim. And, well, that’s no fun at parties. But now that Tara has effectively rebooted her life as an octagon-ready MMA fighter with a hot MMA fighting girlfriend, I suddenly find her so much more interesting. So much more.

Granted, we’re not really sure where this storyline is going. It’s problematic that Tara’s new identity comes with secrets and lies (Toni? Atlanta? Dead grandma?). And it’s also problematic that Tara seems to have come to whatever section of the gay-lesbian-bisexual sliding scale she is on after a series of really disastrous relationships with men. But, I’m just going to be super shallow and say how consequences-be-damned hot the scenes between Tara/Toni (Rutina Wesley) and Naomi (Vedette Lim) were in Monday’s premiere. What, you’re having trouble remembering? Let me help you with that.

Yes, the lying. Yes, the deception. Yes, the fake name. Yes, I know. I know. Still, so hot. If that’s the last we see of the luscious Naomi this season I will be a very, very, very unhappy camper.

Also, what’s in the water over there on “True Blood.” Right now Sookie and Jessica are practically the only female characters (OK, minus a few Merlotte’s waitresses) who haven’t gotten their lady loving on. To date: Pam (with the Estonian stripper), Queen Sophie-Anne (with Sookie’s cousin Hadley) and Nan from the American Vampire League (with some very topless lady in her limo) and now Tara and her MMA sparring partner? Granted, most of those are vamps – who I think might all be bisexual or pansexual or just plain equal opportunity about their horniness/hunger. But, still, that’s a lot of ladies willing to step up to the bat for our team on one show.

Right, like I was saying: Go Tara/Toni. Get it, girl. Get. It.