Same story, different lesbian

Everything about “Grey’s Anatomy” makes me want to pound my head into a wall these days. Granted, what little I used to watch I stopped watching altogether as soon as news of The Great Parking Lot Blowout That Blew of 2008 happened. But now comes news that can only be deemed an insult to anyone with eyes and short-term memory.

Let’s take a trip in the way-back machine, way back to November 3 when Grey’s creator Shonda Rhimes issued a statement after Brooke Smith’s firing that read, in part:

“The impact of the Callie/Erica relationship will be felt and played out in a story for Callie. I believe it belittles the relationship to simply replace Erica with 'another lesbian.' If you'll remember, Cristina mourned the loss of Burke for a full season.”

And then there was Callie's own admission to Erica about her sexuality from this season's premiere when she said:

“I'm not sure I even like kissing girls. I don't, actually, like kissing girls. I just like kissing one girl – you.”

Guess what, NEVER MIND suckers!

Turns out Callie will indeed simply “replace Erica with ‘another lesbian’.” And that lesbian would be played by one Jessica Capshaw. Jessica will join the cast as Dr. Arizona Robbins, a pediatrician who comes in to help Bailey with a case for a three-episode arc in January. And word on the lesbo street is that she shares a kiss, if not more, with Sara Ramirez’s Callie.

Where. To. Start? Let’s start small and let the anger build organically, shall we.

First, um, Arizona ? Did they get her name while playing “I Spy” on a road trip to the Grand Canyon ? “I spy, with my little eye…a Baskin-Robbins! I spy…an Arizona Route-64 sign! Hey, that’d be a great character name…”

Second, didn’t I read that Callie and crazy Sadie were flirting recently? Oh, wait, sorry – that’s right. They are bisexual, so that means they are fast and loose with the fellas and the ladies. Carry on. These ridiculous stereotypes won’t perpetuate themselves.

Third, when exactly did “The L Word” become the farm team for “Grey’s Anatomy?” First Papi (Janina Gavankar has wisely since left her blink-and-you’ll-miss-her role) and now Bette’s cast-off Nadia all stop into Seattle Grace? You remember T&A, err, TA Nadia, right? She thought Bette had boxer’s arms and then they went at it like teenagers on prom night in Bette’s Saab.

Finally fourth, and most infuriatingly, how did this show and its lesbian characters turn into a dramatic recreation of those dumb “Upgrade” commercials? I mean, they didn’t even try to pick an actress who looked significantly different than Brooke. They just went for a younger and (by some mouth-breathing executive’s assessment) hotter model. Jessica is 32, Brooke is 41. The math does not lie, it only makes your blood boil.

I know that television is a medium know for its unrealistic beauty standards. And I know that many people watch television just so they can see beautiful people do beautiful things. Still this kind of obvious “trading up” points at what continues to be an ugly truth in our society. Women and their stories remain largely ornamental. So if we do not fulfill a preconceived notion of what is attractive, we are expendable.

Well fuck that noise, “Grey’s Anatomy.” Sell your bullshit elsewhere, because we’re not buying it anymore (seriously, even your straight stuff stinks: Izzie and Denny and the brain aneurysm, WTF?). We have eyes and short term memories and senses of decency. We are not expendable. We are not interchangeable. We are not stupid. Everyone, come join me on NBC at 9:30 p.m. on Thursdays instead. I hear there’s this great show with this smart lady that doesn’t insult your intelligence at every turn. Something about “30” and a “Rock.” Yeah, suck it ABC.

My Weekend Crush

As much as we'd like to think the days are over when it was considered “brave” for a straight actor to portray a gay character, the world stubbornly keeps reminding us of the risks inherent to anyone who dares to associate herself with the love that dare not speak its name. Fifteen years ago when Tom Hanks won his Oscar for getting kissed on the hand by Antonio Banderas (and, of course, dying from a terrible, terrible disease) in “Philadelphia,” it broke ground. Yet here we are in 2008 and playing gay can still put you on shaky ground.

I never watched much of “Grey's Anatomy” before Brooke Smith walked into Seattle Grace and up to Sara Ramirez. And now that she has walked out, I can guarantee that I won't be watching much anymore. While I love (seriously, love) Sara, it was always Brooke who sold me on Callica. This season it was her eyes I saw their romance through. Her eyes that lingered. Her eyes that brightened. Her eyes that showed you everything you've ever felt in that electric rush of new love.

It is a testament to Brooke's sheer talent that as Erica Hahn she erased all memories of “it puts the lotion in the basket” for me. And then, well, then there was the glasses scene. In less than two minutes she brought up what is a universal revelation in the life of almost every gay and lesbian person. The lightbulb. Whether it comes quietly to oneself or jarringly in the open, it happens. Damn, I am so gay.

Watching the full spectrum of emotions on Brooke's face – elation, revelation, heartbreak – it was all so wonderfully real. The catch in her voice was the catch that comes from an answer you never even though to ask the question to but now can't believe you ever lived without knowing.

All of this, of course, makes Brooke's unceremonious ouster this week all the more outrageous. Whether it was for the most unacceptably egregious reason (that the gay was too gay) or simply an insipidly egregious reason (that Erica was too Erica), it was wrong. And it made no sense. And, it was a whole lot of wrong some more. In a hospital full of navel-gazing whiners, aggrandizers and assholes, at least Erica was straight forward. And no chemistry? That doesn't even dignify a response other than one specific finger vehemently raised.

So I applaud everyone fighting the good fight to bring Erica back (they've settled on sending leaves, by the way, so grab a rake and find out more here). But for me, Grey's has lost the right to have a character as rich and as real as Erica. And they've certainly lost the right to have an actress as gifted and – yes, I'm going to say it – brave as Brooke. Hell, you'd need glasses not to see that. Happy weekend, all.

November isn't for lesbians

Hey, ABC, fuck you. No, seriously, I mean it. Fuck you. It's really hard to overstate my sincerity when I say this. Fuck you. Fuck. You. FUCK YOU! Just when I was happily praising you for your realistic, sensitive portrayal of a late-in-life coming out, you had to go and fuck it all up. By now you have probably heard that “Grey's Anatomy” has unceremoniously fired Brooke Smith, abruptly ending Callica and pissing off lesbians everywhere. Erica Hahn's last day at Seattle Grace is Thursday. This news is beyond shocking, it's beyond sad, it's beyond insulting. It's infuriating. It's so fucking infuriating.

It's also a reminder that lesbian and bisexual viewers are continually and callously shortchanged by their televisions. Callica was the only lesbian/bisexual couple on primetime broadcast TV. This means after Thursday there will be no lesbian/bisexual couples on primetime broadcast television. Let's let that sink in for a minute. Television is, of course, notorious for being non-inclusive. But no lesbian couples, not a single one? Zero? That's not just being non-inclusive, that's being delusional.

And almost more infuriating is the supposed reasoning. ABC execs “had issues” with the “explicit direction” of Callica’s relationship, and disliked Erica’s character. So let's break their “reasoning” down. Issues with the explicit direction? Translation: Gay relationships are still icky, especially when love and sex are involved and it's not on “Girls Gone Wild.” Dislike for Erica's character? Translation: She doesn't look like Olivia Wilde. Dammit, why didn't we hire Olivia Wilde?

Couple this shocking news with the news that Melissa George's new intern character Sadie has been de-gayed and you have a show that has gone from one of the best depictions of a gay relationship on TV this year to one of the very worst in the span of just a week. Now Brooke Smith has said show creator Shonda Rhimes' hands were tied with the decision, which is probably true. But she certainly didn't help the situation by issuing a statement that borders on insulting and flirts with idiocy.

“Brooke Smith was obviously not fired for playing a lesbian. Clearly it's not an issue as we have a lesbian character on the show – Calliope Torres. Sara Ramirez is an incredible comedic and dramatic actress and we wanted to be able to play up her magic. Unfortunately, we did not find that the magic and chemistry with Brooke's character would sustain in the long run. The impact of the Callie/Erica relationship will be felt and played out in a story for Callie. I believe it belittles the relationship to simply replace Erica with 'another lesbian.' If you'll remember, Cristina mourned the loss of Burke for a full season.”

God, where to start? A) Calliope is not a lesbian, she is bisexual. That point was made explicitly, twice, last week when she slept with Sloan and realized it was no better/worse than sleeping with Hahn. B) The magic and chemistry could not not be sustained? Have you been watching the show? Did you see Brooke's speech last week? No magic and chemistry my ass.

Queer TV fans are painfully aware of the scarcity of their storylines on TV. But that doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt when a relationship so many can finally relate to is taken away for at best arbitrary and at worst bigoted reasons. We deserve to see our lives reflected back to us when we turn on our televisions. And we're allowed to be really fucking pissed when they aren't. ABC, you need glasses. Because this is just blind stupidity.

p.s. Let ABC know how you feel here. Hey, does anyone else think we should flood them with pairs of glasses, à la "Jericho" and the peanuts? Or maybe that's just my blind rage talking.

November is for lesbians

Now, I don't know about you, but I have a love/hate relationship with November. On the one hand, I love it. It's my birthday month. It's still fall. And it has loads of lesbians on TV. On the other hand, I hate it. I turn a year older. It's almost winter. And it has loads of lesbians on TV. Wait, when did lesbians on TV become a bad thing? When they're on TV in November, just in time for sweeps month.

Oh, sweeps, those two times a year when TV is filled with big stars and lesbian kisses. Heck, sometimes it's even filled with big lesbian star kisses. This month is no different. Already we've seen Callica consummate on “Grey's Anatomy” and Reese propose to Bianca on “All My Children.” Doctor Feelbad “House” was apparently a little, um, overexcited about his lesbian content because last month's episode with Thirteen's hot (though ultimately disappointing) girl-on-girl action came premature for sweeps.

But the month isn't done delivering The Gay. First on Wednesday, “Bones” forensic artist Angela reunites with her college fling Roxie. Turns out they dated for a year in art school. Ah, L.U.G. love. Though, clearly, some residual feeling still exist since they're totally working the lesbian twin look.

As for their reunion, well, it involves murder and naked portraits. Gosh, isn't that always the way with exes?

Then on Nov. 13 say hello to Melissa George as the new bisexual intern Sadie on Grey's. Producers have teased that she has a “history” with our fair narrator herself, Meredith. I doubt it. But photos like this, clearly, are meant to make us go hmmm. Meredith's face says no, but Sadie's forearms say yes.

Which is where the conundrum comes in for viewers like us. Look, we know this is all just an obvious, desperate (not to mentioned clichéd) ploy to prop up the ratings. But we're totally still going to watch. How can we not? When you're used to crumbs, any stray cookie that gets thrown your way will seem like a feast. And, to be honest, it's not all bad.

The Callica storyline has been one of the more thoughtful and nuanced lesbian/bisexual storylines I've seen on mainstream television in recent history. Last week, in particular, Erica's revelation – in both the figurative and biblical senses, ahem – was just about as poetic and heartbreaking an illustration of that light bulb moment as you can put to screen.

You are glasses. Wow. More stuff like that, please, November.

Grey zone

Ladies (and discerning gentlemen), I have seen The Scene in tonight's “Grey's Anatomy” premiere. You know, The Scene called “awesome, awkward, totally endearing” between Callie and Erica. [Note: This would be your spoiler warning. Shoo, shoo!]

For those who plan to fast forward to the good parts, you're going to have to fast forward for quite a long time. There are a couple of cute, quick non-addressing the issue scenes early on. Then one subtexty, quick non-addressing the issue scene in the middle. And then you'll need to skip to the last eight minutes of the whole two-hour show to get to the good stuff. But when you get there, it is indeed “awkward” and “endearing.” I'm going to reserve “awesome” for now, just because my definition of awesome usually involves kissing. It also lasts longer. The Scene in question is only about a minute and a half.

But in that 90 seconds you get to hear them say “the experiment was kind of a success,” “I've never done this before,” “this kinda makes us virgins” and “we can be scared together.” You also get to see them make faces like this:

See what I meant about endearing?

You'll just have to watch for the rest. But until then, please enjoy something that really is awesome. The kind of awesome that sustained Callica fans through the long, hot summer. The kiss:

p.s. By the way, the scorching soundtrack to their kiss in last season's finale is “The Quest” by Bryn Christopher. If you like what you hear, I have five digital EPs of his to give away. If you want one, leave your email in the comments (feel free to spell it out to foil spammers). Enter until midnight tonight. I'll pick five at random and let you know the winners Monday.

UPDATE I: Thanks for entering. See the winners here.

UPDATE II: Look, ma, no fast-forwarding. [Hat tip, Debbie!]

Grey’s gays

I've already admitted that I don't watch “Grey's Anatomy.” It's too “look at my navel, isn't it's fascinating” for my taste. But even I can't help but get excited at the prospect of the return of Callie and Erica in one week. An actual female gay couple on scripted broadcast television? And neither one is pregnant? (Oh, yeah, Shonda Rhimes kiboshed that speculation, hallelujah!) Now, all you Callica fans can finally see the real thing after months and months of tiding yourself over with fanfic. So, what will the new season hold for TV's favorite (read: only) female doctor couple?

According to The Ausiello Files, fans will have to wait to the end of next Thursday's season premiere for the good stuff. But when it comes, it could be very good indeed. He reports:

“There's an awesome, awkward, totally endearing scene between the two of them at the end of the premiere. Sara Ramirez, in particular, is just fantastic.”

Awesome? Awkward? Endearing? That sounds like my first lesbian kiss, but you'd also have to add “Clumsy” to my list of adjectives. And, is it just me, or does Sara Ramirez look a little extra gay in this still from the first episode?

[Click to examine for gayness]

Though, seriously ABC, could you have possibly seated Sara and Brooke Smith further apart in this promo shot? Sheesh, why not ship one of them to Siberia, it would be closer.

In other news, Ausiello hints that the Callica love train may not be the only Sapphic action at Seattle Grace this season. Could it be that the the new female intern (Janina Gavankar, but she'll always be Papi to you and me) is also bisexual? Again, he reports:

“Meanwhile, looking ahead, there's buzz that Callica may not be the only members of Seattle Grace's rapidly expanding LGBT community. Although I haven't been able to confirm this, there's a rumor going around that when the casting call for the new female intern went out last month, interested parties were told they had to be comfortable making out with both men and women. Coincidence then that the actress who got the role hails from The L Word? Only time will tell!”

While it's a tad obvious to go with an L Word actress for the role, I'm always happy to see more of The Gay on the old idiot box. Imagine that, three gay woman on one show. What a concept. Damn, I may actually have to start watching, navel lint and all.

Sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g...

[Spoilers, spoilers Will Robinson! “Grey’s Anatomy” spoilers!]

Once again, I am going to preface this post by saying that these are just rumors and speculations. The rumors come from TV Guide (soon-to-be EW) scoopmeister Michael Ausiello, who is as close as you come to a reliable source in this department. The speculations come from me. OK, last chance spoilerphobes. Leave now or forever hold your peace.

From his May 28 Ask Ausiello:
Question: Grey's scoop, please!
Ausiello: I hear someone may be preggers — and that someone shared a red-hot smooch in the finale!

To which I say, “Nooooooooooooo!”

Now, I can’t be the only one who thinks the “red-hot smooch” couple in question is Callie and Erica. The Meredith/McDreamy kiss was more romantic. The Izzie/Alex kiss was more desperate. The rest were tangential. Judge for yourself which was “red-hot.”

I don’t even watch/like Grey’s, but I appreciate a well-written lesbian/bisexual storyline as much as the next gal. That kiss was genuine. That kiss was hot. That kiss was genuinely hot.

Sadly, I can also smell a pregnant lesbian storyline coming from miles away. Empirical evidence aside, a Callie or Erica pregnancy simply seems more feasible within the context of the show. I mean, come on, is Shonda Rhimes really going to make Pompeo or Heigl pregnant next season? Seriously, think about it.

Of course, I could be wrong. I could be very, incredibly, completely wrong. And let’s hope that I am. But if I am not wrong then, dude, what the fuck?

Must the pregnant lesbian storyline be TV’s go-to plot point for the Sapphically inclined? What is it about lesbians that makes writers automatically think procreation? Is it that they see two women together and immediately assume that means double the maternal instinct? Or is it just easier to desexualize them by making them all about the kiddies?

Look, I have nothing against real-life pregnant lesbians. In fact, mazel tov! But the pregnant couple/custody battle/insemination struggle lesbian storyline is beyond old and moldy (and not in that good exotic French cheese kind of way). Just off the very tippy-top of my head I can rattle off “Friends,” “ER,” “Queer as Folk,” “The Wire,” “Exes & Ohs,” “The L Word,” “Cashmere Mafia” and that doesn’t even include TV movies or guest appearances.

The ridiculous overuse of the pregnant lesbian storyline denies the rich array of other experiences in our relationships between the k-i-s-s-i-n-g, then love, then marriage and then – finally – a baby in a baby carriage.

So, you know, let’s just hope I’m wrong.