Go, Cheeseburgers, go

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Just a not-so-gentle reminder that he will die some day. He really will. We know it because Rachel Maddow said it. And, well, it's true. Go, cheeseburgers, go. Now that is something to root for.

Tank Top Tuesday: Got Wood?

LESBIAN BAT SIGNAL: There is a lesbian on TikTok who just splits wood. In a tank top. And plaid. And. It is good. Anyway, I’ve reached whatever stage of my breakup involves watching lots of videos of women splitting wood. Though, it felt greedy to keep it all to myself. I mean, it’s a Tuesday after all. So, you’re welcome.

@nicole_coenen we'll slow it down a bit. #daddydontknow #woodsplitting #woodchop #lesbiansoftiktok #lesbiantiktoks #thirstyrap #queertok #queertiktok #maplemommy #canadian #slowmotion ♬ original sound - ❤️🥺✨Kamarah✨🥺❤️

Bonus Rachel Maddow splitting wood (H/T Miriam).

While she wasn’t splitting wood, Shane and her sledgehammer in a tank was not terrible either. What I feel generous this Tuesday.

My Weekend Plea

Maddow: Don't get this thing. Do whatever you can to keep from getting it.

Rachel Maddow reveals that her partner, Susan, tested positive for Covid-19 and is still recovering, and implores viewers to consider their loved ones when they calculate their own Covid-19 risk. pic.twitter.com/oUz2DBLG63

— Maddow Blog (@MaddowBlog) November 20, 2020

I know we all want to see our families, or the people we consider our families, this holiday season. I know it doesn’t feel right staying home instead of gathering together for Thanksgiving. I know it’s been a tough year. I know we need to be with each other more than ever. But, this year, we simply can’t. We can’t because we love them. We can’t because we’re in a goddamn global pandemic. And, despite being at this for eight plus months already, it’s only getting worse.

We all know this has been a horrible year. The desire to take small or even big risks is understandable. We’re exhausted. We just want to feel normal. But we’re doing this so we, and countless other people, can live to see an even better next year and year after that and many more.

We made the difficult decisions not to see our families for Thanksgiving. And I’m not going back to Indiana to visit my mother for Christmas, despite not seeing her in well over a year now. We’re going to celebrate the two of us, just our little household (plus the three cats and dog). And that will be enough.

The human cost has already been staggering. More than a quarter of a million people have died, and it’s not even really winter yet. This year has been monstrous in its grief, yet at this point we seem almost numb to the magnitude loss. But those are 250,000 families with someone missing from the holiday table forever.

This virus does not care if you are a Republican or a Democrat. It doesn’t care who you voted for or what you believe. Even if this thing doesn’t kill you, it will probably still be a struggle. You might have long-term consequences and serious ongoing health problems. Still if you are lucky enough to get a mild case, the person you go on to infect unknowingly may not.

So, please, heed Rachel Maddow’s words. The person who gets sick may not be you, it may be the person you care about most in the world. And then, there could be no more Thanksgivings together ever. Stay home for the holidays. Don’t gather with people from outside of your household. Keep social distancing. Keep washing your hands. And wear a damn mask. Be safe and save a life. Happy safe, healthy and righteous weekend, all.

p.s. Deleted those comments saying the flu is worse than COVID because this scientist's daughter isn't allowing dangerously deluded misinformation on her personal blog during a deadly global pandemic. Everyone has a right to an opinion, but not a platform. Fuck, and I mean this most sincerely, off with that bullshit.

Going to Bat

Wait, has the CW been reading my dream journals? Because Rachel Maddow is going to have a role in the network’s new lesbian superhero series “Batwoman.” This is like that meme where you smoosh Ruby Rose and Rachel Maddow together and yell, “NOW KISS!”

According to The Hollywood Reporter, the MSNBC host will playVesper Fairchild, from the Batman comics. Her role is described as such:

“Fairchild is a television and radio personality who had a romantic relationship with Bruce Wayne (Batman). The Batwoman catch is that Maddow's Fairchild will never appear onscreen — at least there are no current plans for her to do so. Still, Maddow is expected to "appear" in multiple episodes.”

Fine, that significant reduces the possibility of them kissing. But still! It’s very cool and it turns out Rachel is definitely a Batwoman fan. In 2010 she wrote an introduction for the deluxe hardcover edition of writer Greg Ruck’s Batwoman graphic novel “Elegy.”

For her part, Rachel commented on the news via Twitter saying:

“I know no one's going to believe this is true, but it's true. I'm "Vesper Fairchild" in the new Batwoman TV show that starts this Sunday night on The CW. (My character is soooo not me; turns out playing her is one of the most fun things I've ever done).”

The series debuted on Sunday and is off to a strong, and very gay, start. And if you listened closely you no doubt heard Rachel as Vesper, the uncredited voice of the city. And *spoiler alert* I totally called that twist with Alice. Plus, I do not trust The Crows because militia in body armor with big guns are never the answer.

So that’s Ruby Rose, Rachel Skarsten and Rachel Maddow all in one series? Now that’s what I call a truly R-Rated Lesbian Lust Squad - because of the Rs in their name and, you know, other reasons.

We Didn't Start The Dumpster Fire

🎵We didn't start... 🎵 pic.twitter.com/e1kemOiQhs

— 282 days ago Trump promised 24-hr Hezbollah answer (@MattNegrin) April 26, 2018

Please enjoy this little ditty to start your week. As I’m posting this on Friday, I have no idea whether the song’s contents will still be up to date, or if there have been more embarrassing exists for “the best people.” But I do know Trump and everyone who associates with him are truly, deeply terrible people. So sing it, Rachel.

p.s. If you don’t want to suffer some immediate Trump PTSD, stop the video at 26 seconds.

The Cheese Knows

You guys, you guys. Why did none of you tell me that Tina Fey AND Rachel Maddow were going to be on “The Tonight Show” last night? Don’t you love me? Instead I had to stumble on it myself, by accident. But, oh, what an accident. Tina and Rachel even squared off in a game of Know It All. Is Jimmy Fallon reading my dream journal. I’ll let you watch the magnificence for yourself. .But rest assured I’m getting a T-shirt made that says “Chèvre is goat” and wearing it forever.

p.s. Rachel should have known better than to challenge La Fey on her Night Cheese.



p.p.s. You should watch both ladies’ interviews as well because, hello, they’re Tina Fey and Rachel Maddow.

Ice, Ice, Baby

Good morning, kittens. Are you awake? Are you sleepy? I’m sleepy. So how about a bucket of ice water to wake you up? Oh, not, not on you. That would be rude. How about a bucket of ice water on Rachel Maddow. Yes, Lesbian Nerd Heartthrob Rachel Maddow. Yeah, now you’re awake. The ice water trick is part of this celebrity Ice Bucket Challenge for charity. Rachel will explain the details herself. But needless to say it’s for a good cause and she also gets to throw down a challenge to Liz Cheney. So, really, it’s a wonky nerd dream come true. Happy Monday!

Hottest of them all

Right, so each year I feel a little responsible for creating The Beast that is the AfterEllen Hot 100. It was, after all, a post about my fury over Lindsay Lohan and the Maxim Hot 100 oh so many years ago that helped to start it all. But each year, I also dutifully tell you my vote. (Sure, this year it can be votes, but I am old school and choose to vote only once like the Founding Fathers intended or whatnot.) My picks vary, there are some constants (Tina, duh), but really whatever is turning my brain and/or heart and/or other regions most on at the moment is what makes my list. And this year is no different. Seeing as today is the last day to vote in the AE poll, I thought I would show you mine. So here they are. For all to see. Now you show me yours, it only seems fair.

p.s. You can vote in the AE Hot 100 here.

Signs of the Times

You’d think two days worth of writing about marriage equality with only a handful of comments would cure me. But no, I am a sucker for punishment. Because on this, one of the most historic legal weeks for LGBT rights, I just can’t shut up about how excited I am to see it all happening before my eyes. Just 10 years ago I wasn’t sure if I’d see same-sex marriage legalized in our country in my lifetime. And now I feel certain of it. So if I go on, if I gush, there’s a reason. Sure, marriage is by far not the final frontier in achieving our full and total equal rights. But it would be such both real (the 1,138 benefits, rights and protections granted federally by marriage) and symbolical (the acknowledgement and acceptance of our love as the same) victory that I cannot help but feel giddy. We will prevail because it is the right thing to do. We will prevail because we are a nation build on the concept of the equality of all people. We will win because skim milk marriage is not whole milk marriage. We will win because even Bill fucking O’Reilly thinks it’s just the bible thumpers left opposing us. We will win because love should always win. We will win because, well let’s be honest – we will win because our signs are better.

Supper time

[Click to embiggen the Holy]

I am not a religious person. I worship no gods except Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Rachel Maddow. But sometimes, sometimes the spirit does move me. Particularly when presented with the Lesbian Last Supper. Say hello to Lesbian Jesus and her super gay disciples by artist Bronwyn Lundberg. So while the season of faith and a fat guy in a red suit may be over, let the holy glow of Ellen and her Queer Apostles Jane, Sandra, Rachel, Linda, Shane, Portia, Heather, Wanda, KD, Lily, Melissa and Rosie warm you during these cold winter months. Except for you, Australia. You have fun worshipping in your board shorts.

p.s. I love how all the actresses are named except for “Shane McCutcheon” as Judas. Love her Chucks though. So much more fashion forward than flip-flops.
p.p.s. For the fellas, there is also a the Creation of Neil gay Sistine Chapel for your viewing pleasure.

Truth is a thing

OK, OK, one very last gloat. Because a week ago we did something awesome. Which then prompted Rachel Maddow to something awesome. Yeah, the truth hurts – and is awesome.

Maddow about you

Dear Rachel Maddow circa 1998,

I would have totally crushed on you from afar in our Women in Media: Visibility Equals Power class in college. I would have followed a couple steps behind you in the annual Take Back the Night march through downtown. And then I would have sat as close as I could without being creepy in the local coffee shop while you talked with other short-haired girls wearing combat boots about oppression and empowerment. In short, I would have totally stalked you. Good thing we went to separate colleges.

Love,
Ms. Snarker circa 1998 and 2012

The look

What does a lesbian look like, exactly? It’s a good question without a good answer. Because anyone who tells you he or she knows exactly what a lesbian looks like is wrong. Sure, we can generalize. I, myself, have a propensity for plaid shirts and Doc Martens. But that doesn’t mean al ladies who love ladies wear plaid and Docs or have alternative lifestyle haircuts or prefer cargo shorts and love blazers or own a closet full of clothing covered in cat hair.

So then, it’s particularly galling when people in positions of power who certainly should know better say incredibly stupid things about what lesbians look like. Like Florida Lieutenant Governor Jennifer Carroll who is currently embroiled in a lesbian sex scandal of her own. A fired former employee claims she caught the Republican Lt. Gov. and her travel aide in vag-rante* delicto (*because she was under her skirt at her, oh you know) in her office. The Lt. Gov has denied this claim, in possibly the stupidest way possible to deny this claim. Of, just watch for yourself.

In case you missed it: “Usually black women that look like me don’t engage in relationships like that.” Oh, really? What do black women who do engage in relationships like that look like? Wanda Sykes? Tracy Chapman? Jasika Nicole? Meshell Ndegeocello? Alice Walker? Sheryl Swoopes? Please, I am dying to know. Sigh. The Huffington Post has made a nice response slideshow to this general idiotry thank to the Twitter hashtag #ThisIsWhatALesbianLooksLike. It’s well worth a look (and I even recognize some of your lovely face in there – hey girl!) Guess it’s time for a reminder. Lesbians look like a lot of things Women who love women come in all colors and shapes and sizes and clothing choices. Believe me, it would be a lot easier to find a date if we all looked the same and could identify each other more readily in a crowd. But as is we need to rely on shaky gaydar and that fool-proof strategy of steadfastly refusing to make eye contact while passively hoping that cute girl at the bar will come over and say hi. Because I sure can’t find the common visual trait between all these lesbian and bisexual women. Except they’re all beautiful women and think other women are beautiful.

Wanda Sykes

Ellen DeGeneres

Brandi Carlile

Tracy Chapman

Megan Rapinoe

Leisha Hailey

Jasika Nicole

Jane Lynch

Kirsten Vangsness

Sheryl Swoopes

Amber Heard

Rachel Maddow

Josephine Baker

Sharp shooter

Did the naked ladies not do it for you Monday? Then how about Rachel Maddow holding a rifle? I know, I know – guns are bad etc. etc. But in the hands of one of political journalism’s sharpest shooters? Also kind a crazy hot. The video shoot accompanies a Rolling Stone piece on Maddow and a in-depth discussion of her cyclical depression. So it’s well worth a read. Or you could just click play and watch one of the smartest women on television aim a deadly firearm. No judgment here.

Impromptu Vacation Vixens: Rachel Maddow & Amber Heard

Took a little unscheduled holiday yesterday. Which means I’m behind on everything today. So please enjoy making up the conversation in your head from the time Rachel Maddow and Amber Heard met and posed for a picture together. In my head, it goes a little something like this: Rachel: Oh, um, hi Amber. Amber: Hi Rachel. Rachel: You realize by standing together in one picture we’re going to make the pants drop of every lesbian on the planet. Amber: Let’s do this thing.

Or, at least, that is what they were saying in my head. What were they saying to each other in your head? Or did your head just stop working for a while?

My Weekend Hot 100

Another year, another AfterEllen.com Hot 100 list. Seeing as today is the last day to get your votes in for the hottest ladies on the planet this year, I thought I’d share (well, reshare, since I already shared it in the AE Huddle) my Top 10 for 2012. It’s a harrowing task each year, narrowing it down to just 10 lovely ladies. Respectful objectification is not for the faint of heart. Certainly each year there are as always some steadfasts for me. My love for Tina will never die. But each year I do manage to rotate enough new ladies in to keep it interesting. And, yes, there’s always a dark horse. So this weekend I’ve got 10 crushes.

1. Tina Fey
Duh.
2. Naya Rivera
Duh, squared.
3. Lena Headey
I’m still not into the blonde hair, but I’ll always want to buy her lilies.
4. Kate Winslet
I’ve loved her since “Heavenly Creatures,” which is saying a lot because that film involves her beating someone’s mother to death with a brick.
5. Jennifer Beals
Dear television: Put her back on you. Love, lesbians.
6. Padma Lakshmi
Her propensity for licking food off her fingers is a gift from the heavens.
7. Rachel Maddow
The actual definition of fair and balanced – also smart as hell and cute to boot.
8. Hillary Clinton
Hil in 2016, that is all.
9. Zoie Palmer
Oh Hotpants, my Hotpants.
10. Hope Solo
I fear, respect and lust after her abs in equal measure.

So, those are my 2012 hotties. Now show me yours. Also, don’t forget to vote here. Happy weekend, all.

Maddow loves teevee

You know what I love? Well, a lot of things actually. Puppies. Spring rain. Gentle eyelid kisses. But I also really love when really smart people love really silly things. Like, for instance, when Rachel Maddow (a.k.a. The Smartest Woman on Television) professes her love for “Ice Loves Coco.” No, really. No, really really. Like she even follows them on Twitter. No, really. No, really really. Now, I’ve never watched the “Ice Loves Coco” show. I only peripherally know about Coco because every now and then she will post pictures of her unavoidable body parts which will pop up in some equally unavoidable entertainment headline. And I know Ice T because I listened to the radio in the 90s and watched “Law & Order” in the 00s. But I didn’t realize they had a reality show. And I had no idea their show was some love story for the ages. But I do know that the fact that Dr. Maddow publicly professes her love for the show makes me giddy like a wee schoolgirl. Well that and Rachel in those blue glasses. Man, I love those blue glasses.

p.s. I super suck and haven’t had time to select a winner of Rachel’s book “Drift.” But I will. Soon. And on The Twitters. Stay tuned.

Catch her Drift

Lesbians, nerds, political junkies, blazer lovers and anyone who appreciates thoughtful public discourse and/or any combination of all of the above have long considered Rachel Maddow a pin-up girl of sorts. And now we can finally include the group, book geeks. Her new, not to mention first, book “Drift: The Unmooring of American Military Power” hit bookshelves yesterday. It’s about the peculiar and perturbing state of perpetual war we find ourselves in in America. But don’t take my word for it. Let The Maddow explain herself.

Now, I happen to be lucky enough to have scored myself a signed copy of “Drift.” Yes, Rachel “Dreamboat” Maddow signed something that resides in my home this very minute. Please, try not to let your all-encompassing jealousy be too all encompassing.

But, because I’m a giver – well, more accurately, because Crown Publishing is a giver – I happen to have a spare. That’s right, I have another signed hardcover first edition of Rachel’s “Drift” to give away to one of you. So, kittens, this is your chance. If you’re interested in winning your very own signed copy of “Drift,” please hit me up in the comments section with your email address (spell it out if you fear Das Spam) by next Wednesday, April 4. I’ll randomly pick a winner from all your entries. Then I’ll announce the winner on Twitter, so follow me @dorothysnarker and please include your Twitter handle or what you’d like to be called on the Tweeter Machine in your entry. Consider this contest a little thank you from me to you for coming back day after day, week after week, month after month and year after year to enjoy my tiny corner of the internet. The gift of Maddow is the least I could do, really.

p.s. Oh, and if you have a chance, tell me where you are reading from in the world. I love knowing where all you fine folks are from.

UPDATE: Entries in the contest are now closed. Thanks for playing along!

Gender Fuck Thursday

Yes, yes. I know. This is a lot of Charlize for one week. But I just cannot resist a crisp white shirt and a pair of suspenders. They go together like peanut butter and jelly. The moon and stars. The Captain and Tennille. OK, you see where I’m going with this. And while they’re perfectly nice by themselves (well, I don’t know about The Captain – he seems needy), together something special happens. And that something is hot. Really hot. But you don’t have to trust me. Just trust Charlize & Co.

Emma WatsonIf Hermione looked like this she would have watched softball instead of Quidditch.

Diane KrugerThe tuxedo shirt and bow ties says business. The sleeveless arms say parrrrr-tay.

Kate MoennigShhh. Don’t speak. You’ll ruin the religious experience.

Winona RyderWell, I didn’t say you had to button the shirt.

Kristen BellOr that the shirt had to have any buttons, period.

Rachel MaddowNow comes the part in the religious experience where you should be leaving small offerings as a sign of respect.

Keira KnightleyOK, fine. She’s not wearing a crisp white shirt. My bad.