Movie Review: Benedetta

Since I think someone asked née demanded a review of the sexy lesbian nuns movie “Benedetta” review, well, here goes. If you were expecting something nuanced and elegant from the director of “Basic Instinct,” “Showgirls” and “Starship Troopers,” uh, I can’t help you there. If you were expecting something absolutely bonkers, you were right. If you’re expecting to enjoy it, well, that might depend on how much you drink beforehand. But, again, is you want to see a movie where a Virgin Mary dildo is a key plot point, well, there you go. To be honest, the first third or so of this movie was kind of bonkers in a good way. The fantasy Jesus action/romance hero sequences were almost “Bitch Slap-ian” in their camp. And I mean it has Charlotte Rampling. But in the end Paul Verhoeven can’t help himself. And we’re left with a ridiculous mess of boobs, torture and literal rolls in the hay. Should you watch it? Probably not. Will you watch it, I mean, I mentioned they use a Virgin Mary dildo, right? Don’t say you haven’t been warned.

Nuns Gone Wild

From a movie I am 100% seeing no matter what to a movie I don’t exactly know how to feel about past fact that the guy who directed “Basic Instinct,” “Showgirls” and “Starship Troopers” making a whole movie about horny lesbian nuns in a 17th Century Italian convent (but, they all appear to speak French so there’s that, too). Granted, in recent years Paul Verhoeven has helmed quality work by the likes of Isabelle Huppert in “Elle.” So now he is working with Charlotte Rampling, so you know not too shabby.

“Benedetta” is apparently based on a true story about a 17th Century Catholic nun and mystic who had a relationship with another nun in their Italian convent. That, naturally, translates to boobs - lots of boobs - in the trailer. And crucifiction. And burning at the stake. I’m not too keen on that bit, as queer trauma doesn’t have to be the only stories that get told about us. But, hey, I like boobs too. So, who knows.

Gender Fuck Thursday

Ugh, you guys. Republican Convention week is always such a struggle to get through. It’s a reminder that there is a huge, vocal and angry swath of society that still really, really doesn’t like us. They don’t like gay people. They don’t like brown people. They don’t like women. They really, really don’t like Hillary Clinton. They also don’t seem to like facts or original material. It’s terribly disheartening, to be honest. So tonight, instead of watching yet another rich, mediocre white man in a suit accept his party’s nomination for president, please enjoy all these glorious suits on a diverse group of women – and one exquisite space alien. What? How else do you describe Tilda Swinton?

Janelle Monae

It should be illegal for her to wear something other than a suit.

Kate Bosworth

Cannot look away.

Maggie Smith

Dowager Countess got swagger, yo.

Ming-Na Wen

If you tell me “Agents of SHIELD” is just Ming-Na kicking ass in a suit I will start watching again.

Lupita Nyong’o

Who wore it…

Viola Davis

…better?
Forget that, I’m convinced this is the same suit and they stole it from each other after spending the night.

Milla Jovovich

I had the craziest urge to watch “The Fifth Element” again recently.

Charlotte Rampling

Yep, yes – everything about this. Yes.

Queen Latifah

Also yes to everything about this.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

I’d vote for that.

Tilda Swinton

From space alien to Bowie doppelganger, get you a Swinton who can do both.

Gender Fuck Thursday: B&W Edition

It’s hard to think of ways to improve the sublime sexiness of a woman in a nice suit. But put her in a nice suit and take a black and white picture and, well, you’ve mad a good thing even gooder. Hush now, I’m looking at black and white pictures of women in suits and ties. Ain’t nobody got time for good grammar. Fine. Better – the word is BETTER. Now, do you feel better? Oh, sorry, not about the grammar. About the black and white pictures of women in suits. Duh.

Cate Blanchett

I’m pretty damn excited to see Cate and Rooney Mara lesbian it up in “Carol," from Patricia Highsmith’s novel “The Price Of Salt” – even if the age difference eeks me out. But, then, I think it’s supposed to.

Charlotte Rampling

At 68 she was just featured in a new ad campaign for Nars lipsticks. I’ve never heard of Nars lipsticks, but I certainly like them more now.

Léa Seydoux

I could make an obligatory “Blue Is the Warmest Color” joke here. But I’ll take the high road I love this looks except for the frilly cuffs. I just want to scissor those. Oh, shit. Sorry, I tried.

Beyoncé

Life’s a lot easier if you just accept and acknowledge that Beyoncé is our new lord and savior.

Charlotte Sullivan

I feel bad that I don’t watch “Rookie Blue.” Yeah, that’s all I got.

Bette Davis

Old-School Suit Game Status: Impeccable.

p.s. Fixed it. My most humble apologies for not delivering Charlotte at first as promised. For shame.

Naked Lady Monday: Black & White Edition

Admit it, things seem classier in black and white. So what might look like just a naked lady in color will look like an artistic naked lady in black and white. Such is the power of the monochrome. So then we feel a little better about ogling because, you know, the art and culture and stuff. Just look at Kristin Scott Thomas pulling her best Joan of Arc. That’s not just classy nakedness, it’s historical. Black and white can turn “nekkid” back to “naked.” Wait, is that a good thing? Regardless, a little black and white is exactly what is in order this Monday, to help turn make might otherwise be NSFW into a refined collection of semi-nude portraiture. Or, at least, that’s what you can tell your boss.

Deborah Ann WollI just finished watching season 3 of “True Blood” and Jessica was criminally, criminally underused. Criminally so.

Amber HeardHot. Gay. Hot some more.

Charlotte GainsbourgNo one wears scarves better than French women.

Penelope CruzThe curve of a woman’s back is one of the ways we know we live in a benevolent universe.

Olivia WildeThe round of a woman’s bum is another.

Charlotte RamplingLet’s make it a rule that all women named “Charlotte” need to get naked today.

Rosario DawsonRosario isn’t nude. But she’s not wearing pants either. Totally counts.

Heather MorrisYeah, so no wonder Santana is doing everything she can do to win Brittany back.

EDIT: Whoops, that should be Naked Lady Monday not Naked Lady Woman. Though there ain’t nothing wrong with a naked lady woman. Nothing at all.

What haven’t you done to your face

News flash: Humans age. Sure, vampires are all the rage in Hollywood these days. But vampires are make believe and humans are real. And, because it bears repeating, we age. Yet somehow the cult of vampirish, anti-aging, baby butt-faced, immobilized-brow lovers in Hollywood keeps on growing. Which is yet another reason I love the Brits.

You see, British women, by and large, act their age. And more to the point, they look their age. Why? Because they don’t fuck with their faces. I was reminded of this when looking up photos of the luminous Julia Ormond to post about her replacement on “Three Rivers”, Kate Moennig’s new medical drama. (p.s. Pull back on the Photoshop, CBS, seriously.) Seeing Julia’s un-nipped, un-tucked, un-stretched face was a bit of a revelation. Julia Ormond is 44. Julia looks 44. And Julia at 44 is fan-fucking-tastic.

Take that certain age and flaunt it, ladies: [Click to wallow in wondrous wrinkles.]

Julia Ormond, 44Olivia Williams, 41Helena Bonham Carter, 43Kristin Scott Thomas, 49Emma Thompson, 50Charlotte Rampling, 63Helen Mirren, 64

Granted, all these women are ridiculously genetically gifted. But what makes them even more sublime is that those little lines, they’re earned. Life leaves a mark and it looks great on your face.

The androgynous zone

My Tilda Swinton love has grown so exponentially since she won the Oscar, I almost wish I hadn’t Weekend Crushed her already so I could gush some more. But what I admire about her most is that she is a true original. In an industry filled with fake everything -- breasts, tans, noses, personalities -- she is authentically herself. And her authentic self looks fucking hot in a suit. Forget a spoon full of sugar, it’s a big scoop of androgyny that really helps the medicine go down. And by medicine, I mean Wednesday. And by go down, I mean…uhm, well. Enjoy.

And just because a free mind is a terrible thing to waste: